Can't get over an ancient mistake.

[likestodraw]

I'm going to be told to just get over it, but I'd really like some practical ideas about how. This is ruining my life.

When I was 18 I met someone who I quickly became very close to. We spent all our time together. We went travelling together. We occasionally slept together and regularly told each other we were in love.
I then got a boyfriend but we stayed close, we still sometimes slept together. He had a couple of girlfriends. The other relationships never changed how close we were. We both assumed that we would end up together, but we were really young still and not ready for 'forever' yet. We were trying to have our cake and eat it. We were shits to the other people involved and I'm sorry for that now, but everyone was young and nothing was serious.

A few years went by, we were in our early-mid 20s, he got a girlfriend, initially nothing changed between us, but she loathed me and their relationship became serious. I got a serious boyfriend a year or so later.

They got married. We got married. We had kids, they had kids.

20 years has gone by since we met now. I have a lovely husband who is a wonderful father and a great friend, but we're like flat mates. I have never got over that first love. I keep it under control, just, and sometimes the sadness fades to almost nothing. But then every so often it engulfs me like a wave and I am completely overwhelmed.

I always thought there'd be a point when we were together, always thought there'd be another chance, but then life just took over. I moved in with my now husband for practicality's sake, got pregnant unexpectedly, then got married. He asked his wife to marry him shortly after I told him I was pregnant.

I just can't bear the thought of this going on forever. We're still regularly in touch, my husband is friends with him, his wife accepts I exist.

It's so crappy and I just want to remove the part of my brain that remembers him. I just can't seem to move past the mistake I made in thinking there'd always be another chance.

But maybe the depression never really went away. I don't know

Neither do I but it’s perfectly possible. Maybe you are older and wiser than 11 years ago and might listen to your doctor now.

I have to say I think it’s pretty sad that neither your husband or your mum encouraged you to go back and at least talk to your doctor. When you are in the middle of it you can’t see things clearly yourself - that’s when you need your loved ones to advise and care for you.

If the doctor thinks that medication would help you should at least try it. Let’s face it, you have been trying to deal with this alone for more than a decade. What do you have to lose?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/antidepressants/

Once the chemicals in your brain are in balance you will be able to make better use of the counselling. And any professional counsellor will want you to follow medical advice.

Honestly I think what you need some support with is managing your ‘big’ emotions. Seems like you got very rigid ideas in your head about what ‘young’ people are like and what ‘grown ups’ are like. You mentioned something about thinking at your age you’d be over these sorts of emotions.

Armchair psych here - seems to me when you were younger you were afraid of strong feelings so you legged it from them. Now you’re older you suppress them because they’re not for ‘adults’.

I reckon that sort of area is where your focus could go. And realising you can be a headstrong younger person and a mature adult - it’s about integrating all those aspects of yourself. Right now you’re focused on this man as the outlet for all these feelings but I think even if he didn’t exist you’d still feel this conflict inside yourself.