Can't get over an ancient mistake.

[likestodraw]

I'm going to be told to just get over it, but I'd really like some practical ideas about how. This is ruining my life.

When I was 18 I met someone who I quickly became very close to. We spent all our time together. We went travelling together. We occasionally slept together and regularly told each other we were in love.
I then got a boyfriend but we stayed close, we still sometimes slept together. He had a couple of girlfriends. The other relationships never changed how close we were. We both assumed that we would end up together, but we were really young still and not ready for 'forever' yet. We were trying to have our cake and eat it. We were shits to the other people involved and I'm sorry for that now, but everyone was young and nothing was serious.

A few years went by, we were in our early-mid 20s, he got a girlfriend, initially nothing changed between us, but she loathed me and their relationship became serious. I got a serious boyfriend a year or so later.

They got married. We got married. We had kids, they had kids.

20 years has gone by since we met now. I have a lovely husband who is a wonderful father and a great friend, but we're like flat mates. I have never got over that first love. I keep it under control, just, and sometimes the sadness fades to almost nothing. But then every so often it engulfs me like a wave and I am completely overwhelmed.

I always thought there'd be a point when we were together, always thought there'd be another chance, but then life just took over. I moved in with my now husband for practicality's sake, got pregnant unexpectedly, then got married. He asked his wife to marry him shortly after I told him I was pregnant.

I just can't bear the thought of this going on forever. We're still regularly in touch, my husband is friends with him, his wife accepts I exist.

It's so crappy and I just want to remove the part of my brain that remembers him. I just can't seem to move past the mistake I made in thinking there'd always be another chance.

Lots of people have this same situation, but you should be able to stop thinking about this, and not dwell on it so much. Time passes,and thoughts should be able to fade away.

I have had something like this in my life years ago, and repeat thinking about it was driving me mad. But I do a lot of writing, and writing things down that bother you,is a good way to get things out of your head, and get some reality back.

Do you. All my sympathy OP. It will hurt, it's like a birth, you have to let go of what might, even of what is, to go for want you want, and it will be a building in progress for sometimes : uncomfortable.
Keep the contact to a minimum until then. This is a lifelong CRUTCH that you are getting rid of.

I'm sorry you're going through similar @Indecisivelurcher it's really miserable.

@Carouselfish it is good he's not in your life anymore. But it is so hard.
I totally understand what you say about the thought of never seeing each other again being painful. The thought of hearing one day that he's died is incredibly painful.
We used to discuss (in a silly, young way) what we'd do when we retired together. I miss those people we were.

This sounds v painful op
Counselling is the only way

@hibeat you have hit the nail on the head there. It is a crutch. I have issues with eating too that are also a crutch.

What he did or didn't feel is basically irrelevant isn't it. It's inside me and I need to deal with it.

It is so bloody painful. But I feel ridiculous for hurting so much. I have friends who have been through real grief. This is just so pathetic, the facts don't warrant the emotions.

Ah OP I totally get you. You sound like a lovely, level headed person - don't beat yourself up or let some of the comments get you down. You're doing the right thing in trying to let go of the fantasy and keep your family together.

It's very difficult to come to terms with a life that's different to the life that you thought you would lead. The problem with early attachments like this is you just feel so much more when you're younger, everything is more intense. And as you grow older you still hold onto that feeling with the same intensity because it's not had the opportunity to develop, either into friendship or into a more stable (but less intense) relationship. In contrast, the relationship with your husband has probably developed into a more realistic relationship since you guys started dating. At 18 your personality and character are still forming, and one person can have such a profound impact on your sense of self. They can shape who you are for the rest of your life. It makes perfect sense that if you have feelings that are so strong for someone when you're 18 you get to the point where you don't know what it's like to be an adult and not have feelings for them, and this makes it extremely difficult to "get over" it, it's too baked into who you are. I just don't think that happens when you're older. Your personality is formed and you know who you are. You might meet someone who affects your life deeply but I don't think they have the same impact on your character.

The roaming thing is completely understandable. Our society glorifies independence and adventure, discourages settling young, and trivialises the feelings of young people, 'puppy love' etc. Etc. I was (too much of!) a sensible kid and actually remember reasoning that it was fine to break up with my then boyfriend to "be free" because even though it felt like I was in love with him, I obviously couldn't possibly be since everyone said that you couldn't really love at that age. I reasoned that if I would only find the real deal later on, why be tied down now? I felt so very cheated by all the adults when, as an adult myself, I realised that yeah, you totally can feel real love at that age. Didn't make the same mistake twice! And by the sounds of it, neither did you, since you settled down with someone who you think is wonderful.

So yeah, don't beat yourself up. You know that the feelings you have for this man are based on a younger you, a younger him, and neither of those people exist anymore. You know that if you had stayed with him you would not be living this rose tinted life, and most importantly of all you know that you love your family! I'd really focus on connecting with your husband, maybe look through some old photos or something and try to capture how you felt at the start with him.

Don't feel pathetic, I personally believe sometimes brain biology can have a role in experiences like this, where it becomes an all-consuming obsession.

In conditions like OCD it is thought that there are unusual levels of neurotransmitters present in different brain structures, and some people think that limerence is similar in nature to OCD. (Not saying that limerence is what you're experiencing as I don't know that that quite fits and the concept of limerence is itself debatable, but you do seem to be consumed by obsessive thoughts from what you are reporting, which is similar to experiences of OCD)

For some people medications are helpful for OCD to help redress brain neurotransmitter activity.

Now I'm just throwing this out there to show ideas some people have about biology that may have a role in all-consuming thoughts, but of course this is not in any way professional advice and I think counselling is definitely a good step to explore what you're experiencing.

Most of us have regrets OP, mosymt of us have had a crossroads & looking bCk wonder what it might have been like if travelled the other road. It may not have been better 15/20 years on than the place you are at now. When I think back on these moments & have indecision I say ' You made a decision that you thought was right at the time...so it was the right decision'. Hindsight only & rose tinted glasses changes what you felt in that moment. You are sad or unhappy or looking for something that is missing. A happier time is lovely to remember... but you need to find a source for your happiness here & now. Counselling will help, let this man go... it feels scarey but you will be more free & happier without him & in the future this time of decision will be something you can look back on & think...'I made a decision that I thought was right at the time...so it was the right decision for me'. Be kind to yourself OP...let him go, carrying the sadness is hurting you. Counselling will help.

Do you think it’s possible that you are clinically depressed ? As well as having feelings for this man of course - I’m not saying they are not real.

Do you think it’s worth speaking to your GP? I mean about feeling sad and down for so many years, not Necessarily all the details. Some medical conditions like vitamin D deficiency or an under active thyroid can also make you feel depressed.

When I’m depressed I find it hard to get perspective on things and I can obsess about small issues. Things just go round and round in my head.

Meds ( if you need them ) can help, alone with the counselling.

It’s a mix of how you feel about your DH (so you compare what might have been with your ex) and the loss of your younger, carefree and responsibility free self.

It’s easy to think “what if” when things aren’t straightforward in your life.

Like pp suggested maybe counselling will help you see things more clearly.

Other side of the coin. I'm 42 and met my now husband at 19. Broke up for a year at 23 and got back together because we couldn't not be in each other's lives and hated the thought of each other with someone else. Thought I'd be single and frivolous for a year but it wasn't actually what I wanted after all.
Moved in together a year after we got back together and married 5 years later. 2 amazing kids, which are the only reason I can still tell myself I did the right thing.
I think I went for what I thought I needed not what I wanted and that the thought of him with someone else is too horrible. Now I'd never leave because I'm not unhappy most of the time, just unfulfilled as we are more like best friends.
If we hadn't of got back together I'm sure I'd be saying the same as you now.
If you'd got together you may be saying the same as me.
I can relate to being in a marriage that's more friends than anything else. We are building the life we want together and that's too close to give up. Not sure if you can message privately in here, but I'd be happy to message if you can.

Gosh. Well yes I can see that OCD type tendencies and depression are possibly impacting on this.
I was diagnosed by the GP with PND/anxiety 11 years ago, but I refused a prescription and never went back. I told DH and he didn't really respond, and I told my mum who just asked 'are you better yet' every time we spoke until I said yes. I made everyone feel uncomfortable so they ignored it so it would go away.
I told my old love who listened and was kind. He's always so kind.
I just sort of carried on and things slowly felt easier.
But maybe the depression never really went away. I don't know.

I'm a 'creative' as a job and I try and put it all into my work, I went through a phase of thinking I can just use all these emotions, he can be my muse... which is ok for a bit then the sadness crashes over me and I just so desperately want to sit with him and talk to him and hold him and just be 'us' again.

This sounds like the series ‘Normal people’

@thebeachismyhappyplace2 if only I was a novelist eh, could've made a pretty penny.

I did find that show a painful watch, though their lives were much more beautiful than mine. And my brothers quite nice.

@biscuitcakes

I'm sorry. That sounds sad. A thread on here with lots of people talking about their husbands feeling like flat mates partly prompted me finally posting this. I've been on mn over a decade and wanted to many times.

Maybe that thread could help you? It certainly seems to be quite a common feeling. Maybe it is our age. I keep hoping that there's some golden fields just over the hill, when the mid life slog is over I hope I'll be glad I stuck with my marriage, I hope we'll find each other again and have a deeper relationship for having weathered this rubbish bit.

@biscuitcakes here-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3926712-Housemate-style-marriage-join-me-if-this-is-you

This happened to me. It was him who turned up at my door and told me how he felt. We are together now and have never looked back. We had known each other for 20 years.

Likestodraw - if it’s meant to be you will end up together. Right now might not to be the right time because of life circumstances but if feelings are still strong between you then your paths will cross again!

For all the stories where people are saying maybe this was them and they managed to "get" their lost love.... That is fantastic for you , really . But it's not great for the ones that don't end up with our "the one". And that is who this thread is for. Because the OP isn't looking to actually be with this man, she's looking to get over him. Because that is where true peace lies.

This is pretty outing and I might need to burn this Username (my friends know and they are on Mumsnet). Anyway as an antidote to love winning all...

I met my "one" when I was 22, he was 23. It was perfect except that we lived 200 miles from each other , we had a long distance relationship, I was absolutely besotted , totally in love.

We had an argument about something daft and he found solace in his flatmate , they got together, went out for three years and got married. I was heartbroken but moved on with my life.

We move on 15 years to a couple of years ago, when I contact him to catch up and we reignite our relationship. It's perfect for about three months, then when I start making plans to move closer to him he turns around and tells me that he's been sleeping with his friends wife for the last three years and he's going through a hard time getting over it. If I could just hang on a few more months we can finally be together.

I told him to fuck off. God , I was such an idiot , I totally loved this guy!

This story isn't an indication of your man and your relationship, I'm not saying "learn from me, don't get hurt". That doesn't work.

Just to say I know what it's like to really , really love someone for a long time and the only thing that's truly helped me is working on myself and counselling . I honestly think you need to do that.

Oh god @Likingthecamber2951 I'm sorry

Yes, I want to get over it. Even if he feels the same as me, even if he turned up on my doorstep to tell me that... we'll that wouldn't be a happy ending. That would break so many hearts. It would ruin my children's secure family. If he did turn up on my doorstep I would tell him to go away.

My husband is a bit older than me and I have entertained a 'lady tango in Halifax' type scenario. But that's just total fantasy and I don't want to spend the next 30 odd years in misery waiting and hoping.

LAST tango. Not Lady tango....

Ohhh ... Last tango in Halifax , I've been in that fantasy more than once !!! I really , really loved that man. I thought about every possible scenario , over the 15 years we weren't in contact I thought about him a lot , and anytime I was even marginally close to his home I would look for him ( I'm talking a 50 mile radius here lol) . I used to go on holiday and wonder if he would be there lol. I was crazy about him . I won't even tell you some of the crazy thoughts I had. But like you I would never look to break up a marriage . He was single when I contacted him.

Now my retired fantasies include a dog, a nice little garden , an art class and loads of friends . If I can get here so can you , especially with your family beside you xxxx.

And I know my first love made it easier by turning into a complete bastard ,. But you can still get over him. I know you can.