Can't get over an ancient mistake.

[likestodraw]

I'm going to be told to just get over it, but I'd really like some practical ideas about how. This is ruining my life.

When I was 18 I met someone who I quickly became very close to. We spent all our time together. We went travelling together. We occasionally slept together and regularly told each other we were in love.
I then got a boyfriend but we stayed close, we still sometimes slept together. He had a couple of girlfriends. The other relationships never changed how close we were. We both assumed that we would end up together, but we were really young still and not ready for 'forever' yet. We were trying to have our cake and eat it. We were shits to the other people involved and I'm sorry for that now, but everyone was young and nothing was serious.

A few years went by, we were in our early-mid 20s, he got a girlfriend, initially nothing changed between us, but she loathed me and their relationship became serious. I got a serious boyfriend a year or so later.

They got married. We got married. We had kids, they had kids.

20 years has gone by since we met now. I have a lovely husband who is a wonderful father and a great friend, but we're like flat mates. I have never got over that first love. I keep it under control, just, and sometimes the sadness fades to almost nothing. But then every so often it engulfs me like a wave and I am completely overwhelmed.

I always thought there'd be a point when we were together, always thought there'd be another chance, but then life just took over. I moved in with my now husband for practicality's sake, got pregnant unexpectedly, then got married. He asked his wife to marry him shortly after I told him I was pregnant.

I just can't bear the thought of this going on forever. We're still regularly in touch, my husband is friends with him, his wife accepts I exist.

It's so crappy and I just want to remove the part of my brain that remembers him. I just can't seem to move past the mistake I made in thinking there'd always be another chance.

When you were both single you never actually got together though - you varied between friends and what people now call fuck buddies. If there was really something there you would have gone for it.

It sounds like you have something missing in your marriage and so through rose tinted glasses you dream of the youth and carefree times - don't we all do that sometimes. Look at sorting your marriage and family life to be better. The trouble is your husband whom you live with day in day out cannot compete with a dream fairy tale that you have in your head.

l was so sure I didn't want to be tied down, and that we'd have another chance further down the line so that to me would read you'd only be with him if nothing better came along?

@AmethystMoonShine Thankyou for saying that. I am going to find a counsellor. There are other things I really should address that are probably all tied up in this too. This is just an obvious wound to pin my hurt on.

There have been crappy times when I've clung onto my conversations with him as the one thing that got me through. My husband is not an emotional man and just doesn't understand me really. I know I can't say certain things to my husband. I have poured out so much to my old friend, when the babies were tiny and I was a bag of anxiety and depression. Having him in my life is just a massive part of who I am.
But I need to try and figure out how to just be me because although I gain so much from knowing him it also makes me so so sad.

God I really need a fucking gin now.

I think what your post shows is that timing is everything. He was right person at the wrong time. I’ve had this too. You are clearly a very lovely person because you are thinking of both your families and doing the decent and sensible thing 💐

When he first got with his now wife all those years ago, were you jealous and immediately realising what you could have had?

@likestodraw

I'm sure if we'd somehow settled down together we wouldn't be discussing 'big ideas' anymore. I'd be pissed off with him not taking the bins out or something.

My logical brain understands all this but my emotions just refuse to get the message.

So true! I think you actually have pretty good self-awareness :)

@TitianaTitsling I don't know. It wasn't like that as I remember it. I just wanted to rampage around the world without anyone else.

For some mad reason I didn't think it was possible to rampage around with someone else. I know now that being in a committed relationship doesn't mean your life is over... back then I thought I had to be single to be free. I was a strange one.

@VeganCow I just never believed it would last. He used to moan to me about her and how clingy and jealous she was. I just thought it would fade out like others had.
By the time I realised that wasn't going to happen it was far too late.

You've romanticised it in your head because you were young and carefree. The truth is, you'd have got it together if you both wanted to, falling into a relationship with someone you love is simple, not a TV show-like on/off drama. Maybe there's an element of delusion looking back, or if not, rose tinted specs.

Grow up ffs

@Ohdearfindingthisboringnow

Yes. My poor husband who is lovely and practical and brings me tea every morning, he has no idea. And that's bloody awful and unfair. How can he compete with a fantasy.

@Sugartitss

Totally fair response! I'm a prat and that is why I've never said this out loud irl.

This sounds hard OP. I would try to invest in your present relationship, throw yourself into appreciating and loving him. When your attention and focus is used in this way it is not available for some romantic ideal which, as you know, can be anything you want it to be in your head, and would not be the lived reality.

When you spend time focusing, investing in and appreciating your own relationship it is often returned to you in kind - build your happiness piece by piece together in your relationship and also find it in your own interests, don't centre it and wish it away on an intangible chased dream.

I think you know what you need to do here, you have plenty of self awareness, you need to reduce your contact with him & end the intimate connection. Stops the texts, calls, meet ups or at least only occasionally & when unavoidable. Distance will make you feel more in control..You can either tell him why or not. Telling might trigger other outcomes that are unexpected.....he could tell his wife & you cd have that to deal with, she could tell your husband if she is upset, annoyed etc, he could say he has often thought about it too, he could say that we must be together? He could say I've never thought of it since, we were only ever fwb, what are you talking about? What do want here OP... to be tempted to leave your marriage or to let the fantasy go for once & for all. Cutting down contact will mean accepting the fantasy is never going to come true & is over. That is very sad for you because he was either definitely or subconsciously part of your life plan & it did not happen as you thought it should. You should see a counsellor... there are many years & many ties here & you need support working thro it. But if you want your marriage, this man needs to be relegated to category of only friend & v occasional friend at that. I think def see a counsellor to talk to about... it might take some of its power away as you work through it all.

I want to get rid of the fantasy. I want to get back the time and headspace this takes up. I want to stop feeling sad and like I'm missing something.

I will never tell him. And could never risk my marriage. Though I am just by feeling like this that's why I want it to stop.

It often does feel like a compulsion.

I think it probably feels a lot worse than it is because you can't ever say it out loud. It's all in your head. Talking things out will help massively. Either some you trust implicitly or a therapist.

Honestly , start being kinder to yourself. I'm older than you and I've felt something similar. I think you sound like a good person, you don't need to take on board everyone's negative and sometimes bitchy comments.

Just look into counselling , it's what £40-50 an hour and you'll probably want a minimum of around 6-8 sessions , you can do it fortnightly or even monthly to make it affordable, just check with the counsellor before you start. Do work on your self esteem alongside it, but books and start prioritising yourself .

What you are going through is important , and it can be really awful and difficult to work through.

A few years went by, we were in our early-mid 20s, he got a girlfriend, initially nothing changed between us, but she loathed me and their relationship became serious. I got a serious boyfriend a year or so later.

If this relationship was a valid possibility, he would have left his girlfriend (now wife) during this period and got with you.

He moaned to you about her being clingy and jealous but he still got serious and then engaged, then married. I think you’re an ego trip for him.

Agree with Amethyst and am another counsellor who’d take you very seriously. It sounds like exploring your relationship history with a therapist might help you get some clarity. As well as BACP you could also look at Counselling Directory. Do ring a few people and wait until you find someone you feel you ‘click’ with, as that’s very important.

@Likingthecamber2951
Oof. I just had to dive into the bathroom because reading that made me cry.

Thankyou for being so kind.

It's just very lonely feeling like this.

@MayFayner possibly. No one ever truly knows what's going on inside someone else do they.

Counselling it is. I have one friend who is close but from school and so separate to all this, we talk and talk about so many things but I've tried to say this and I just can't even to her.

Gosh @liketodraw I am similar, I've never 'met' anyone else in this boat or who understands what I mean. Sympathy.

I'm the same age as you. I've never got over my first love. Never loved anyone the same although Ive felt lesser kinds. Am in stable relationship with partner and children, first love is happily married maybe with kids. We aren't in touch like you are. I always thought we'd end up together. We didn't. It's terribly heartbreaking and I won't ever get over it, the unfairness of it and feeling cheated by love and life really. I dream about him and the dreams make me very very sad. But. The person I was in love with and who was in love with me is gone. It was the young version of who he is now. Fiery, impassioned just like the relationship. That's what I keep telling myself. The idea of never seeing him again however, of one of us dying, is awful. Then again, seeing him and him not feeling the same towards me, which Im sure would be the case, is almost as bad. I guess I just accept my lot and think, maybe one day. op, you're living more of a half life than that, he is either too in your life or, if you're ever going to act on your feelings, not enough. It's crappy but you need some kind of resolution in your own mind, one way or the other.