My bf's grandma recently passed away. We were making plans for attending the wake and funeral two days in advance of the actual events and the conversation ended badly. I was asking questions about the times to be certain places, what to bring, dress code, etc (I'm new to his family's traditions and to the country) and he kept saying "I don't know". I was getting frustrated about not getting responses so I could plan my schedule over the next two days, but made sure to keep calm. I knew he was going through a lot and I was trying hard to be sensitive despite my frustration. He started getting really frustrated too and claimed I was making things awkward. He was raising his voice. Then he abruptly yelled at me, slammed his hands on the table then left the house and slammed the doors as he left.
And this is what all our disagreements have in common, because this is where the silent treatment starts. It could last days, but the wake was the next day and the funeral the day after. I still had no information. I called his mom for info later that day (I told her nothing of our argument) and got a few more details. I promised her I would watch the family house while everyone left, as robberies are common during funerals and only a small number of people could attend in person due to covid19.
My bf normally calls me when he leaves work, but not that evening. He didn't say hello when he got home (in fairness, I didn't either) and I got no more details about the following days' events. We went to bed in silence and woke up the same way the next day, which was the day of the wake. I didn't hear from him that day either. He ended up going straight to the wake from work that evening and didn't call me, message me or come to pick me up. I had been silently uninvited. He came home very late that night, after I had gone to bed. I still had received no messages or information from him about our plans to travel to the funeral the next day, but I assumed he would definitely still want me to go. The next morning he got up really early and left on his own without me while I was still in bed.
I do not have my own car and the funeral took place in a small rural town about 40 minutes drive from our house, so I had no way to get there - transit doesn't travel to there. It also meant I would have to break my promise to watch the family house since I now had no way to get there. So I called him in the car right after he left and asked what was happening, but it only resulted in more angry words, sarcasm and he hung up on me. So I was uninvited to the funeral as well.
I'm really at a loss here. I'm tired of being made to feel like this when he's emotional or dealing with family issues. He takes it out on me and makes me feel like I'll never measure up to his family. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. I don't always say the right thing in the right way, so I'm not claiming I'm just an innocent victim. But I know the silent treatment just makes things worse. We have talked about taking different approaches to resolving our conflict before. We always agree to do better, but the silent treatment rears its head again and again. I'm sure he feels terrible and I think he's punishing himself more than me in this situation, but I'm also worried his family will think I'm incredibly inconsiderate for not attending the wake and funeral. I have no idea the reason he told them I wasn't there and I don't know how to tell them why myself. Does anyone have advice?