getting uninvited as a punishment?

[SRB450]

My bf's grandma recently passed away. We were making plans for attending the wake and funeral two days in advance of the actual events and the conversation ended badly. I was asking questions about the times to be certain places, what to bring, dress code, etc (I'm new to his family's traditions and to the country) and he kept saying "I don't know". I was getting frustrated about not getting responses so I could plan my schedule over the next two days, but made sure to keep calm. I knew he was going through a lot and I was trying hard to be sensitive despite my frustration. He started getting really frustrated too and claimed I was making things awkward. He was raising his voice. Then he abruptly yelled at me, slammed his hands on the table then left the house and slammed the doors as he left.

And this is what all our disagreements have in common, because this is where the silent treatment starts. It could last days, but the wake was the next day and the funeral the day after. I still had no information. I called his mom for info later that day (I told her nothing of our argument) and got a few more details. I promised her I would watch the family house while everyone left, as robberies are common during funerals and only a small number of people could attend in person due to covid19.

My bf normally calls me when he leaves work, but not that evening. He didn't say hello when he got home (in fairness, I didn't either) and I got no more details about the following days' events. We went to bed in silence and woke up the same way the next day, which was the day of the wake. I didn't hear from him that day either. He ended up going straight to the wake from work that evening and didn't call me, message me or come to pick me up. I had been silently uninvited. He came home very late that night, after I had gone to bed. I still had received no messages or information from him about our plans to travel to the funeral the next day, but I assumed he would definitely still want me to go. The next morning he got up really early and left on his own without me while I was still in bed.

I do not have my own car and the funeral took place in a small rural town about 40 minutes drive from our house, so I had no way to get there - transit doesn't travel to there. It also meant I would have to break my promise to watch the family house since I now had no way to get there. So I called him in the car right after he left and asked what was happening, but it only resulted in more angry words, sarcasm and he hung up on me. So I was uninvited to the funeral as well.

I'm really at a loss here. I'm tired of being made to feel like this when he's emotional or dealing with family issues. He takes it out on me and makes me feel like I'll never measure up to his family. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. I don't always say the right thing in the right way, so I'm not claiming I'm just an innocent victim. But I know the silent treatment just makes things worse. We have talked about taking different approaches to resolving our conflict before. We always agree to do better, but the silent treatment rears its head again and again. I'm sure he feels terrible and I think he's punishing himself more than me in this situation, but I'm also worried his family will think I'm incredibly inconsiderate for not attending the wake and funeral. I have no idea the reason he told them I wasn't there and I don't know how to tell them why myself. Does anyone have advice?

@Oakmaiden yes, I should have at least said hello when he came home the first night or said good morning the next day. I guess I was hoping he'd be the one to break the silence this time. It's always me. As it turns out, it was me this time too. You're right that it's def not a healthy relationship atm. I'm trying to figure out if the good times are still worth fighting for and if this time is something we can reasonable resolve.

[quote Likingthecamber2951]@paisleydaisy

I think uninviting someone to a funeral without telling them is abusive. I think regular silent treatments that can last for days is abusive. It can be used a very effective manner of control, and is passive aggressive rather than overtly aggressive but that can be worse as it is harder to pinpoint what is happening .

To the OP, you said that you didn't speak to your bf when he came in from work and you didn't speak at all that evening. (He wasn't speaking to you at all either) Why is that, why didn't you try to speak to him? ( This isn't a judgement at all I just want to know why you didn't talk to him )[/quote]
@Likingthecamber2951to answer your question, I didn't try to speak to him because I still felt a bit hurt. I realize in hindsight I probably should have taken the high road and broken the silence, but I also feel like I am often the silence breaker and I was hoping he'd be the one to do it this time. It was still me.

Still think it sounds more like incompatibility than anything else.

It's obviously not a good relationship OP so maybe walk before children are involved. You really shouldn't need to "fight" for your relationship

@bubbleup

"I learned there were only a few family allowed at the funeral mass, so I offered to house sit for that time period. Not the wake. And I still planned to go to the graveyard and the post funeral get together after."

When you learned that it was just going to be a few family members you should've backed off. Not offering house sitting (since you're not meant to be in anyone else's house for a start), not going to the graveyard etc.

You were basically clawing at any way to get involved when they just wanted to grieve together. It wasn't about you.

I agree. You just added an extra layer of stress to him. As for ringing the Mother, oh dear.

You really shouldn't need to "fight" for your relationship

This is true whether or not he is abusive. He does not seem to be a suitable partner for SRB450.

Thank you everyone for your comments so far. I've tried to read everything with an open mind. Even the comments that I don't fully agree with.

It seems people agree I shouldn't have called his mom for extra details, even though we are close and even though I didn't call her to discuss him. I guess I will have to stop that for future. It just makes it a bit harder in the short term because I already don't have many close connections here, and now I will have one less. But I guess that's fair.

It also seems the consensus is I should leave him. Despite the silent treatments when we argue, things are pretty good. But if others see this as too abusive to stick with, maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Hard to say since I don't really have shining examples of good relationships to look at. Til today I thought all relationships required some degree of effort, but many people have commented it shouldn't be hard from time to time and I shouldn't have to "fight" for anything.

Thanks for all your comments and candor. Please keep them coming.

Your patterns of communication are unlikely to change unless there is a strong will to do so. Hey, maybe he did feel pestered for information at a time he was grieving as some posters allude to here, maybe it was overstepping to contact his mum, we can't really tell, we aren't there but I'm sure you would work on that to save the relationship. The silent treatment for days on end with you always been the ice breaker, if he isn't willing to change that you are in for a life of misery. Imagine you in the future, maybe with a young baby, feeling overwhelmed away from your family and really needing support... and he pulls these antics.

You need to know that he will change or you need to walk away. Don't get pregnant. You are right, it shouldn't be this hard. You deserve better.

It also seems the consensus is I should leave him. Despite the silent treatments when we argue, things are pretty good. But if others see this as too abusive to stick with, maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Hard to say since I don't really have shining examples of good relationships to look at. Til today I thought all relationships required some degree of effort, but many people have commented it shouldn't be hard from time to time and I shouldn't have to "fight" for anything.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and you certainly should not have to fight for anything.

The responsibility for his silence here is all his and his alone; you do not have to try and jolly him out of it. This is being done by him to punish you for having transgressed in his mind.

Abusers can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. I am sure your abusive parents were "nice" to each other sometimes but again their nice/nasty cycle was a continuous one too. It is not your fault this man is the ways he is and you did not make him that way.

Remember also that abuse is about power and control. It is NOT about communication or a perceived lack thereof. Communicating with an abusive person exercises patience at best and destroys your soul at worst. Communication's definition is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Communicating with an abusive person is not possible because the abuser blocks or argues mercilessly with what you say unless you parrot their experience, ideas, or words. Attempting communication with an abusive person is pointless, especially when you're in an intimate relationship with one.

Abusive relationships are void of communication. In healthy relationships, communication flows two ways - from one partner to another and back to the first until each understand the issue in its entirety. In healthy relationships, both partners want a win-win outcome.

Not so in an abusive relationship. In an abusive relationship, the victim seeks communication. The victim is looking for a win-win and will sacrifice until it hurts in order to reach a resolution. The abuser wants to win, and he or she wants the victim to lose. No matter how much the victim gives, it will not be enough until the victim completely complies with the abuser's way of doing things. And after that happens, the abuser continues to abuse to remind the victim of how bad things could be if they stop obeying.

Ask yourself this question:- "Does my partner value me?"

No? Okay then. It's time to value your needs on your own. Since your abusive partner will most likely be angry no matter what you do, you may as well make yourself happy. After a while, the ridiculousness of calling your abuser your partner will probably show you there is no relationship between the two of you at all. You will realize that the longer you stay in the relationship, the more needless mental and emotional damage you will receive.

I think he sounds like a dick. He has no intention of resolving the silent treatment issue, no intention of not repeating it, he just hopes you'll be quiet and get over it in a few days.
I don't think he will change, so you should decide if you can put up with this or say enough is enough... And maybe consider silently moving out and booking a one way flight back to Canada.

I think you don't need to analyse any of it any more, he's not a nice person and your life/his treatment of you will not get any better if you stay. Your best bet is to prepare for the day you can leave him for good and fly home to Canada. I wouldn't even tell him until you've gone.

This last comment just seems to say you really didn't try to understand the situation but pass judgement. In fact, you sound a lot like him. OP I think youare gaslighting here because several people have said similar things to bubbleup including me and there is nothing to indicate any of us had not tried to understand your situation. Your last bit - "you sound a lot like him" is not nice on your part.

But if others see this as too abusive to stick with... some posters have said this, and those that have have said (eg as per christmasfluff's post) it because you described his behaviour as silent treatment which is abusive.

I didn't try to speak to him because I still felt a bit hurt give some thought to the fact that when he doesn't try to speak to you about things, you label it as abusive.

There are considerate ways to give advice and then there are inconsiderate ways. I'm open to any and all comments and advice delivered in a way that's considerate even if I wouldn't personally have agreed with the sentiment. That's why I came to this forum for help.

@paisleydaisy

I think you are a mass of contradictions and I think maybe you are looking to provoke the OP in some way which I don't understand. The OP is not gaslighting by defending herself against an unpleasant comment, the idea is ridiculous.

OP, take care of yourself xxx

I think you aren’t suited. You should have given him space, made it clear you were happy to attend to support him but leave it at that rather than pushing for details, and he should have communicated to you what he needed/wanted.

This isn't a good relationship. Relationships are supposed to make your life better not worse. Leave and set your standards higher.

I would be concerned that he has already mentally broken up with you, but because he can't communicate directly, he hasn't the guts to tell you.

@bubbleup

And if OP had posted the other side of the story I'm willing to bet you'd label him controlling.

"my nan died and only 10 people are allowed to the funeral. My boyfriend is bombarding me with questions about the schedule but mum has asked that I don't bring him as there are too many people already. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I did walk out in a temper. I want to be alone and haven't been speaking to him. Now he's called my Mum and is pressuring to be involved by house sitting"

You have been inconsiderate. Your schedule is much less importance than people grieving the loss of their relative.

Silent treatment is unacceptable and you don't seem well suited.

Is this s reverse?

Op.... I think you didn't do anything wrong here. Im irish. I know the funeral etiquette. A partner of a grandson for 4.5 years would always be included in the funeral ceremonies. Obs with covid limits now you rightly let his mom know you didn't expect to be in the church.

What is very concerning is that he left you behind knowing you couldn't go without him. What did his family think???? What did he tell them? Be very careful he hasn't gone off telling them that you couldn't be bothered. He is in the wrong here and you would want a serious and frank discussion with him. His treatment of you is not acceptable and I would be ringing his mom telling her that he left without you.

@SmileyFaceSadFace

Are you sure you were ever invited in the first place?

In Ireland (pre covid) there's no invite process, especially in rural areas. If you vaguely know the person or know a related person to the deceased, you 'show your face' so you either go to the removal at the funeral home, the house after, or you attend the funeral the following day.

Covid means that only a set amount of family members can go here at the moment - so OP was not out of order offering to to house sit (its common for burglaries to happen given funeral times are advertised on rip.ie) nor was she out of order thinking she could attend the grave site and afterwards to the house, subject to the familys' wishes.

There is a schedule of sorts usually and the OP was reasonable in asking what it was given the travel logistics involved and potentally who they would need to stay with for the two days of the funeral.
She did nothing that I would see as a faux pas for an Irish funeral - even one in Covid times.

He is an arse. And he'll probably have rewritten it so he's the victim in all this and forever throw it back in your face you didn't support him. Which is BS. So write a lovely sympathy card to whichever parent is the child of the granny explaining that you wished you could have paid your respects in person, maybe include a nice memory you have of grandma. And reconsider the relationship - he's not a nice person and does not treat you well.

He sounds a difficult person and shouldn't be acting this way. But it does sound as if the funeral was a close family affair and you weren't invited even when you wanted to be involved. This is when you should have backed off. I agree you don't sound at all suited to each other and only seem to be making each other unhappy.

The OP was invited to the funeral. Nice and simple.

Simple it isn't. If it was simple she would have been at the funeral.

I was just trying to clarify it for the PPs who all keep saying she wasn't invited to the funeral. It's misdirection for the real issues in the OP in my opinion.

@Likingthecamber2951 in my first post I wrote: I don't approve of silent treatment but I am not sure that how he reacted was silent treatment here or more to do with him being really angry and wanting to be on his own? Which is a bit different from silent treatment which is an act of intentional aggression. Do you think it is usually an act of callous intention with him? If so you should leave. Either way, you don't sound suited to each other though, I am sorry - it is a long way to travel to find that out flowers I think you might need someone who wants to discuss things and talk more, who uses words to resolve conflict, who understands you and that you need to know what is what, what is happening when. And there are cultural differences between your native Canada and Ireland, it might be that too I have been pretty consistent.

@Likingthecamber2951 sorry - it did not format properly - in my first post I wrote: I don't approve of silent treatment but I am not sure that how he reacted was silent treatment here or more to do with him being really angry and wanting to be on his own? Which is a bit different from silent treatment which is an act of intentional aggression. Do you think it is usually an act of callous intention with him? If so you should leave. Either way, you don't sound suited to each other though, I am sorry - it is a long way to travel to find that out I think you might need someone who wants to discuss things and talk more, who uses words to resolve conflict, who understands you and that you need to know what is what, what is happening when. And there are cultural differences between your native Canada and Ireland, it might be that too. I have been pretty consistent.