getting uninvited as a punishment?

[SRB450]

My bf's grandma recently passed away. We were making plans for attending the wake and funeral two days in advance of the actual events and the conversation ended badly. I was asking questions about the times to be certain places, what to bring, dress code, etc (I'm new to his family's traditions and to the country) and he kept saying "I don't know". I was getting frustrated about not getting responses so I could plan my schedule over the next two days, but made sure to keep calm. I knew he was going through a lot and I was trying hard to be sensitive despite my frustration. He started getting really frustrated too and claimed I was making things awkward. He was raising his voice. Then he abruptly yelled at me, slammed his hands on the table then left the house and slammed the doors as he left.

And this is what all our disagreements have in common, because this is where the silent treatment starts. It could last days, but the wake was the next day and the funeral the day after. I still had no information. I called his mom for info later that day (I told her nothing of our argument) and got a few more details. I promised her I would watch the family house while everyone left, as robberies are common during funerals and only a small number of people could attend in person due to covid19.

My bf normally calls me when he leaves work, but not that evening. He didn't say hello when he got home (in fairness, I didn't either) and I got no more details about the following days' events. We went to bed in silence and woke up the same way the next day, which was the day of the wake. I didn't hear from him that day either. He ended up going straight to the wake from work that evening and didn't call me, message me or come to pick me up. I had been silently uninvited. He came home very late that night, after I had gone to bed. I still had received no messages or information from him about our plans to travel to the funeral the next day, but I assumed he would definitely still want me to go. The next morning he got up really early and left on his own without me while I was still in bed.

I do not have my own car and the funeral took place in a small rural town about 40 minutes drive from our house, so I had no way to get there - transit doesn't travel to there. It also meant I would have to break my promise to watch the family house since I now had no way to get there. So I called him in the car right after he left and asked what was happening, but it only resulted in more angry words, sarcasm and he hung up on me. So I was uninvited to the funeral as well.

I'm really at a loss here. I'm tired of being made to feel like this when he's emotional or dealing with family issues. He takes it out on me and makes me feel like I'll never measure up to his family. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. I don't always say the right thing in the right way, so I'm not claiming I'm just an innocent victim. But I know the silent treatment just makes things worse. We have talked about taking different approaches to resolving our conflict before. We always agree to do better, but the silent treatment rears its head again and again. I'm sure he feels terrible and I think he's punishing himself more than me in this situation, but I'm also worried his family will think I'm incredibly inconsiderate for not attending the wake and funeral. I have no idea the reason he told them I wasn't there and I don't know how to tell them why myself. Does anyone have advice?

@paisleydaisy

The only thing you have been consistent in is defending the OPs boyfriend and being rude to the OP.

You say that posters who have identified the behaviour of repeated silent treatments as abusive but you actually accuse the OP of gaslighting because she defended herself against a PP who was rude and unpleasant.

You obviously have no idea of what gaslighting actually is and is in fact a technique used by abusers. The very fact that you identified that treatment from what was said is laughable. That is where the mass of contradictions begins.

I'm not going to speak with you about this anymore. It's a waste of my time as you already have everything decided in your head.

The second paragraph in my last post should read

You say that posters who have identified the behaviour of repeated silent treatments as abusive are over reacting and over reaching but you actually accuse the OP of gaslighting because she defended herself against a PP who was rude and unpleasant

@likingthecamber - I really think that you need to read all the posts more carefully. It isn't quite as straightforward as you think. I don't want to be involved with this anymore either so I am out too.

"In Ireland (pre covid) there's no invite process"

There isn't in the UK either pre-covid. But that is completely irrelevant to this situation as we currently have covid restrictions.

@Likingthecamber2951 I was rude and unpleasant? 😂 bloody hell. I'm off too but what a moment to wander back into the thread.

"That is where the mass of contradictions begins.

I'm not going to speak with you about this anymore. It's a waste of my time as you already have everything decided in your head"

As do you you'd decided that you were right even before the OP updated and didn't bother to address the fact that you would look for signs of abuse if the OP had written the other side of the story. You've ploughed away insulting people and ignoring very valid points because you want it to be abuse. That is a very twisted way of thinking

@Likingthecamber2951 You say that posters who have identified the behaviour of repeated silent treatments as abusive are over reacting and over reaching - no - this isn't right - and if you read all the posts you will see some inconsistencies in the OP's posts - I said that whether or not he was in fact giving out the silent treatment in a controlling abusive way (you will note that the OP didn't reply as to whether she thought it was this or not) her own behaviour was as a separate issue demanding in the circumstances of a funeral as she described it - ie I would say this is demanding quite genuinely (I didn't say over reaching or over reacting): I was asking questions...he kept saying "I don't know". I was getting frustrated ...He started getting really frustrated too and claimed I was making things awkward. He was raising his voice. Then he abruptly yelled at me, slammed his hands on the table then left the house and slammed the doors as he left....I called his mom for info later that day... I have no idea the reason he told them I wasn't there and I don't know how to tell them why myself

As I say, I am out now - I was just responding to your last posts. I don't think the whole "ltb he is abusive" is helpful to anyone in this sort of situation. That isn't a "mass of contradictions".

I'm frequently irritated by how easily others on MN advise women to leave their partner rather than working on the relationship - after all, no one's perfect and we don't head for the divorce courts every time we argue. But in this case, it seems that your relationship is already in its closing stages, and I must agree with PP that your best course of action would be to break up with him and return to Canada.

If you want it to work, you need to learn some assertiveness techniques.

He doesn't get to decide whether it's 'too soon' to discuss whatever he's upset about this time. If there's a problem, you have the right to a civilised discussion about it.

Oh dear, this is all getting a bit fraught.

OP, I'm Irish and I totally understand wanting to know the funeral details and thinking you were going, and I also totally understand why you would ring his mam and that she wouldn't be put out or think less of you for it. Has anyone told you about RIP.ie? Usually all the details go up there within a few hours. (I find it very difficult to live without that system in the UK, to be honest!)

The main thing that sticks out to me is this:

*“We have a lot of ups and downs, like I'm sure many relationships do”
@SRB450.

Good relationships don’t.*

The PP is right. Good relationships don't. You're into the end game now, whether you know and accept it or not. So maybe time to start planning what your life will look like without him. Do you like your life, job, the region you live in? Where would you live if you were on your own, would you need a car or licence? Have you a bank account, work visa sorted etc?

He's a moody one and this is the life stretching out in front of you but it is not the one you were destined to lead. I dare say even his own mammy wouldn't blame you.

To be honest, it sounds to me as if he hasn't ever thought about the culture shock you might face. Now the responsibility of familiarising you is getting too much for him and he's building a narrative where he's trapped with you to mind since you came over with him - and a "big sigh of relief" will be a significant outcome of it for both of you when you do eventually break up.

Break up with him. This isn't something that's going to improve.

Good relationships do have ups and down, though, because bad things happen in life, like bereavement, illness etc. They affect us because we're human. My DH and I have been through a lot. The first year of our marriage was very tough; my DSis's abusive first marriage broke up and I had to support her through that, then my FIL died in a car accident and his paternal DGM died 3 months later (I always felt it was of a broken heart) and his DGF had to go into residential care where he died 2 years later. My MIL was in a really bad place too, understandably, and needing a lot of support.

Then we went through infertility, failed IVF and the adoption process. Our DDs, now 11 and 9, have brought us a lot of happiness, but adoption brings with it a lot of challenges.

I then had to face reliving the traumatic memories of the childhood SA my DSis and I went through. I had to go through a police investigation, which led to one case being brought to the CPS, but there was insufficient evidence for charges to be brought.

In many ways the last year has been the hardest, where I've struggled with my MH and physical health, pneumonia last year and then CFS and now long-term COVID-19. The lockdown has been very tough on our DDs, and I really do worry about what will happen if schools don't open in September.

To say there are no ups and downs isn't being realistic. I suppose, though, it hinges on how you face these ups and downs in life. If you can keep talking to each other and finding ways of coping and supporting each other, then your relationship doesn't have to suffer. But it's naive to think good relationships will always be happy and romantic, because that really will be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Sorry, that was a bit long. But I do want to explore what people mean when they say good relationships don't have ups and downs?

@Mittens030869

So sorry for your load, because it has been heavy.

Indeed there can be ups and downs in marriages and there, when life throws very challenging curve balls at you, as you have had.

But ups and downs in marriages where one person, emotionally abuses the other is not normal, and is not acceptable.

Those are two different ups and downs.

Raising children can definitely bring challenges to a marriage and can make it seem like a heavy load, but you trundle on to a better moment...while telling yourself "this too will pass".
I have been in that place, tired, worn out and fed up.

But I have never felt that my downs were because my husband was treating me like shit, even if at times we DID irritate the hell out of each other.

Hope you have a run of good luck soon and your health improves.

But ups and downs in marriages where one person, emotionally abuses the other is not normal, and is not acceptable.

I know. My parents' marriage was abusive; I only realised this when I read some of his letters to her. Previously I thought he was just emotionally dependent because of being ill with Parkinson's Disease. But his letters were emotional blackmail and about coercive control, like he did with me and my siblings. I saw it through the experience of adult life, and my understanding of what he did to us.

My DSis's first marriage was abusive too, and she only understood that when she met her very loving current DH.

Thank you for the kind words, this is a horrible time for so many of us.