Fed up

[familys2018]

Just really need someone to talk to right now . Can't sleep and feeling pretty crap . I actaully think I'm in the wrong and feel guilty for brining it up . My partner works constantly. Every weekend early mornings to late evenings half the times also works away . This weekend he was supposed to of worked away but sad he didn't go because I had mentioned him working too much . I know this was a load of crap because he wouldn't give work up for me . Anyways I accepted what he said just for an easy night . He then said this weekend we will do what ever I want . Make food together . He will do me brekfast in the morning , watch movies all day and basically chill together . So I asked again if there's work take it and he said no this is my weekend . End of . That was Wednesday. Thursday I was in work and had a text saying I have been offered to work this weekend . Just checking with you if I should take it ? Now in my head obviously he wants to because he would of just said no and not of mentioned it to me . I replied go for it and he did . He was texting his boss earlier and I seen a text saying take it hour going to do Sunday aswell with a laughing face . He obviously knows he will and is taking the piss . For some reason it really upset me . I didn't say anything to him. So we came to bed and I was a little quieter than usual and he asked what was wrong I kept saying nothing because I know when ever I say something he doesn't like or criticises him he flips a bit . I just said I think you prefere work than being with me . And yip he lost it . I never lose it with him but I said god I fucking hate you on time's . I got a load of abuse back but I just turned over and pretended to
Go to sleep .that was 2 hours ago . He's fast asleep and I'm wide awake thinking maybe I'm being over sensitive. Iv ruined the whole weekend now he will ignore me for days because of this 😢

Iv ruined the whole weekend now he will ignore me for days because of this

If this is how he acts then he's a twat. Bin.

Other than that, if a man asks you what you want, tell them, you have nothing to lose (cos if they don't suit you or are crap, they're no loss.)

So you could've said to him what you want etc- when he said he'd been offered work, say you'd really like the weekend together as he'd suggested. If during your couples weekend it became clear to you that he'd rather be at work, you could've adjusted your opinion of him accordingly, and binned if need be.

He does sound a bit of a workaholic.

Thankyou for your reply 😊 honestly he just works and works only time off he has is two weeks a year for a holiday . He will be working away for the next few weekend after this one so it just got me feeling a bit down why he would still want to work it after promising me he wouldn't . The only reason why I replied to him go for it was because I thought he must of wanted to work other wise there was no need to even mention it to me . Men 😂. I work non stop too but have given up a lot of hours because we were never seeing each other. I just wish he would do the same sometimes x

He's picking work over you so of course you are annoyed. It's unacceptable that he'll now ignore you for days. I think this relationship is over you are both just scared to say it.

I'm confused. You told him to go for it and he did. Now he's in the wrong again. How does all this fit in financially? You need the money?

My DP is very similar OP. He is a work-a-holic and money motivated. I totally sympathise with you and understand you're frustration. My DP will do at least six days a week, used to be seven until he realised it was impacting our relationship. He's also in a high pressure job, in charge so takes work home. He used to fall asleep on the sofa, not eat properly, get stressed. He would still be the loving, kind man and do date nights but he was knackered. We both talked and agreed it wasn't right, I told him I won't continue a relationship . He changed his job immediately and has every Sunday off and one weekend a month. He's sleeping better, more energised. Don't get me wrong, he's still a work-a-holic and always will be, it's him and he's been like it his whole life. You can't change someone unfortunately. He now chooses a better work life balance.

It's all about choice. Your DP makes his own decisions and his actions speak louder than words. You haven't ruined the weekend, if he's smart enough he'll realise he's in the wrong. He needs to apologise for flipping and see it from your POV.

Hi everyone thank you for all replying . I didn't have the best night of sleep literally dead 😴. He left for work half an hour ago and when he was laying in bed waiting for his 4 th alarm
To go off I turn around and I say I'm sorry and put my arm around him . I had morning said back to me . Now I know this will continue for days . This is why I always keep things to myself it just isn't worth it . I don't get it tho he nags and nags and sounds really concerned when asking what's wrong then if I eventually say it all blows up . I don't know how to comment to individual people on here but the only reason why I said go for it after he had text me saying I know I said I wasn't going to work but there is work available this weekend and I'm not texting you just because I want you to say for me to do it but it's up to you . To me this ment he wanted to go to work after all the bull shot he give me for half an hour the day before saying I'm defo not working this is your weekend we will have a lovely two days il cook
You brekfast in bed ect ect . I actaully was really
Looking foward to it . I'm
Not even angry I'm just really Sad. I know he preferred working than having time off with me . He says he hates working away but I know he loves that too . I am really just 2nd best to him . He will take days off for football tho . The only time he will . He will go support a team and will take every weekend
Off for that . We don't even need the money . He earns a shit load . And even tho Iv cut down hours I still work a good 12-14 a day x

I think that deep down you wanted him to reply saying "no it's ok I won't take it" and were disappointed that he didn't and just took the work?

Also you can misinterpret texts - his boss could have meant that anyway, especially if he's a workaholic.

I think you need to have a chat at some point but don't stop yourself from having a nice weekend - are you doing anything nice for you that you can tell him about when he's back? I.e. "it's a shame you couldn't get the weekend off, we could have done X together. maybe you can get an upcoming one off and we can do something similar?"

Hi 😊 well the only thing I have done is food shopping which he hasn't done once since lockdown because he's always working plus he won't que . Like I said tho that's what you have to do now with everything that's going on . I have gone every single week takes a good 2 hours . After working all day too . I knew for a fact that he woundnt if told his boss no . He's too much of an arse licker to him . He doesn't care tho that he upsets me but god help if he upset his boss . I said last night also no wonder your boss loves you it's because you work 24/7 and I'm right . He honestly thinks his boss is his best friend. They act like it when you do everything for them . He's the only one in the company today working every one else is spending this weekend with their families before they go away to work next week . Iv still not heard off him. He always texts me in the morning so I am 100 percent going to have the silent treatment for a few days xx

Dump him, he's awful

Find yourself a man that you actually see and who actually looks forward to spending time with you.

I finally had a message off him only because I sent one saying please don't be funny with me when you get home and he replied he's not , then sent another one . Pretty long for him . He basically said I told him to work the weekend and in fact he could if actaully done with a weekend off 🤣. I then wrote back exactly what had happened and the next text he changed the subject because I think he remembered what actaully was said and he messed up. But o just said I won't mention it again he can work when and as long as he wants I just want an argue free life . I can't cope with any drama no more I have had way too much of it with him . I don't know weather I'm a cow for thinking this but he text half an hour ago saying great my van won't start and he's stuck a good two hours away . I thought well shouldn't of bloody gone to work should you 😀. I don't tho I phoned him and said do you want me to come get you and he just said a guy from work is on the way up . So between our argument and this I can now say I am
Going to have a great night with him . Not lol x

This isn't a relationship. It's two people who rarely see eachother, don't like eachother much and are constantly playing at a weird one-upmanship of who can be most passive aggressive. Or outright aggressive.

What's the point?

One of you should end this - or do you really want to be like this for the next year/5 years/10 years?

It actually comes across as though you like moaning about how awful he is, but have no intention of binning him.

It's fine to carry on doing what you've always done, but don't expect to get anything other than what you've always got.

You cannot change him. There is no tactic you can try that will work. So your choice is to either stay and accept him as he is, or end the relationship. You make that choice every day anyway, whether you recognise it or not. So next time you are pissed off with him for working, remember, you are choosing him. Every day.

What the point of him? You never see him and you don’t like him anyway.

Just end it.

Sorry but also struggling to see where the 'relationship' is here?

He's always at work, or dealing with you being pissed off with him for working. You told him to take work is he was offered it, then got angry with him for it?

It doesn't sound as if either of you enjoy each other's company. Personally, I'd end this. Life is too short to be with someone you don't like.

I don't understand why you don't communicate with him. Tell him what you want rather than expecting him to guess and then being annoyed with him. Clearly he works too much but the communication being the pair of you is dreadful. Stop playing guessing games and be honest with each other. If you wanted him to honour his promise not to work this weekend, why the hell didn't you say that? He's not psychic.

I couldn't be doing with those mind games.

He obviously wants to work, and he wants you to be ok with it. You're not, and he knows that. So he puts you in a position where you either have to say it's ok for him to work, or you have to be the 'bad guy'.

Of course, when you feel pressured to say that it's ok for him to work, he immediately gets his 'get out of jail free' card. Now if you make any hint of being upset, he can just say 'but you told me to work!'.

Et voila. He gets to work, and you're the bad guy for being upset about it. Very manipulative.

The only way to play is to not play. You tell him clearly that you want to spend more time with him, and you want to spend time with him at the weekends. What he chooses to do about it is up to him. His shifts are his to decide. He makes the choice between working and spending time with you - it's not your choice to make (and you'll end up getting blamed whatever you choose).

You'll soon find out whether he prioritises you or not. And then you'll need to decide if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone you never get to spend any time with.

Btw, what on earth were you apologising for? Being upset that he's working again? You're allowed to be upset at never seeing him. He knows you want to spend more time with him, and yet chooses not to. You're allowed to be upset at that.

He chose to take the shift. Yes, you gave him permission, but no-one forced him to sign up to it.

What do you get from this relationship?

He doesn't spend time with you

He sulks (abusive)

He ignores you (abuse)

Seems like you are a domestic appliance to me!!! You earn your own money, you do all the household stuff and provide sex.

What does your DP do for work? Sounds like mine.
I feel you need to clearly tell him what you want. He needs simple instructions, for example, Asking you wether he should work the weekend, if you don't want him to, tell him bluntly.
I don't feel he's abusive unless there's a bigger picture here.

Sorry I I haven't come across clearly . I do love him and when he's nice he's really nice . He has very bad mental health issues which I honestly believed for years it was me making him unhappy or mad . But it's not it's him . When he's not working he says he can't deal with him self let alone me . If he does have a day off it's very rare and if it's a nice day even tho he will agree the night before we will go out and do something he always plays up in the morning and then it makes me not want to go . I don't play mind games at all . He's got it so easy with me . Only thing I want from him is honesty and to be nice to me . I know he loves me too . I don't want to end it neither does he . I just really wish he would change . He has sort councilling so we are waiting for the appointment now . I told him to work at the start of the day . He lied to me and said that he's got the weekend off for me . He was supposed to of been working away . It wasn't that it was because no one wanted to go up and wanted a break . After we had the conversation about him not going in . Because he said he wanted to have a nice weekend with me . I agreed and I said I can't wait . We were planning what we were going to do . End of we got on with the night . Then the next day when I was in work he text me saying there's work and can he do it . So I said yes . It upset me saying yes but I thought I would prefere to work rather than spend the weekend with me after . Then when I seen that text last night I told him why it upset me . He's a manager . It does my head in because he's always been like it . Always saying we are saving for something but we never are it's just excuses for him to get out of the house all the time x

Also he said he wouldn't be late so I have done food shopping earlier and got all the food ready and he's still not home 😭 x

He will not change.

You have proved time and time again you will put up with home treating you like shit. His MH is not excuse to treat you this way. He is doing what he wants when he wants because he doesn't love you, he only lives himself and you make his life easier.

If you haven't already got kids with him, please don't. You will be totally on your own with them and you will all come 3rd place behind work and football.
You sound lovely, go out and find a man who wants to spend time with you.

Thankyou very much everyone for your comments I am really taking everything you all have said in . We have been on the rocks these last few months . So I think any little thing is upsetting me lately . We have no children although he has been keeping on for the last year . I told him that we both would make awful parents because of the way we are . I don't want our child being scared to ask their father anything just incase he's in a mood or our child constantly wondering what he has done to make daddy not like him today . Also I said because his moods are making me really anxious lately I can't hardly deal with my self let alone a child 😢. I have said to him also that if that's really what he wants I will leave him go. I don't want to be selfish and stop him from having some thing that he really wants . I don't know if having a baby will actually change him for the best but I'm not risking it . All I have ever done is want to make him happy . He literally doesn't do anything for himself . I do everything. DIY bins the lot . So I don't know why he's always so moody and snappy . I have also told him time and time again if he has gone off me to tell me but he keep saying that he hasn't . He's not very loving with words but every night when we are home together we put a film on and snuggle up next to each other we always go to bed the same time , sex life is ok . On my birthdays and Valentine's Day he will always write essays on my cards . So I really believe he does love me he just needs to sort his head out If he does I think things would be perfect . X

He wants to have kids so you are stuck and won't leave...

Your MH would be much improved if you were with someone that truly loved you and it showed in their actions not just words twice a year...

There are so many red flags waving!!!!