Fed up

[familys2018]

Just really need someone to talk to right now . Can't sleep and feeling pretty crap . I actaully think I'm in the wrong and feel guilty for brining it up . My partner works constantly. Every weekend early mornings to late evenings half the times also works away . This weekend he was supposed to of worked away but sad he didn't go because I had mentioned him working too much . I know this was a load of crap because he wouldn't give work up for me . Anyways I accepted what he said just for an easy night . He then said this weekend we will do what ever I want . Make food together . He will do me brekfast in the morning , watch movies all day and basically chill together . So I asked again if there's work take it and he said no this is my weekend . End of . That was Wednesday. Thursday I was in work and had a text saying I have been offered to work this weekend . Just checking with you if I should take it ? Now in my head obviously he wants to because he would of just said no and not of mentioned it to me . I replied go for it and he did . He was texting his boss earlier and I seen a text saying take it hour going to do Sunday aswell with a laughing face . He obviously knows he will and is taking the piss . For some reason it really upset me . I didn't say anything to him. So we came to bed and I was a little quieter than usual and he asked what was wrong I kept saying nothing because I know when ever I say something he doesn't like or criticises him he flips a bit . I just said I think you prefere work than being with me . And yip he lost it . I never lose it with him but I said god I fucking hate you on time's . I got a load of abuse back but I just turned over and pretended to
Go to sleep .that was 2 hours ago . He's fast asleep and I'm wide awake thinking maybe I'm being over sensitive. Iv ruined the whole weekend now he will ignore me for days because of this 😢

[Dery]

“OP, the more you reveal the worse it gets.

You’ve given up on you’re whole life for the crumbs this man deems you worthy of.”

This. You are absolutely right not to bring children into this situation. But do you want that to be your life? Through my voluntary work on non-molestation orders, I have known a few clients who have given up the opportunity for a family because they felt their marriage was too difficult or even dangerous a situation to bring children into, and now, when it’s too late, bitterly regret having given up the chance to have children rather than the marriage itself. If they had done the latter, they could have had a chance of family life with another man. Please don’t be them.

[Dollyrocket]

OP, the more you reveal the worse it gets.

You’ve given up on you’re whole life for the crumbs this man deems you worthy of.

He doesn’t need to change, you’ve made it loud and clear how willing you are to be his doormat..

[LannieDuck]

I don't play mind games at all.

No, but he does.

I loved going to see my friends and going out.

So do it! You have as much right to do things you enjoy as he does.

It sounds like you do all the housework? Do you work FT too? If so, why are you picking up his chores?!

[EKGEMS]

You really need to re-evaluate your choice in men because you have a real horse's ass

[IM0GEN]

So y never see him as he’s working all the time. But you never go out with your friends either.

I think you are just the housekeeper he has sex with.

[Candyfloss99]

He doesn't want to spend any time with you as he'd rather work but he also doesn't want you to spend time with anyone else? Wake up and realise what he's doing to you.

[RandomMess]

Truly it's awful! You have made him the centre of your life and happiness yet he treats you like shit 😳

Please leave, go to your Mums and get the divorce rolling!

There is so much more out there waiting for you, friends and fun - people that WANT and WILL spend time with you.

[Thatnameistaken]

Honestly you need to look at how you can get out of this situation, there is no magic wand to sort his head out, he will never change.
It sounds like you'll have your mum's support so remove this awful man from your life before he uses up any more of your precious years.

[familys2018]

Hi randomness my mother has told me the exact same thing as you . She hasn't really liked him from the start . I have lost all my friends because he didn't like the way I was before . I loved going to see my friends and going out . I was pretty wild 😂 too wild so I did need to calm down a bit but now I have been out 4 times in 9-10 years . And never see anyone . I have been realising all this these last few months . When I read back what I have wrote things do make me think things are a lot worse than I think x

[RandomMess]

He wants to have kids so you are stuck and won't leave...

Your MH would be much improved if you were with someone that truly loved you and it showed in their actions not just words twice a year...

There are so many red flags waving!!!!

[familys2018]

Thankyou very much everyone for your comments I am really taking everything you all have said in . We have been on the rocks these last few months . So I think any little thing is upsetting me lately . We have no children although he has been keeping on for the last year . I told him that we both would make awful parents because of the way we are . I don't want our child being scared to ask their father anything just incase he's in a mood or our child constantly wondering what he has done to make daddy not like him today . Also I said because his moods are making me really anxious lately I can't hardly deal with my self let alone a child 😢. I have said to him also that if that's really what he wants I will leave him go. I don't want to be selfish and stop him from having some thing that he really wants . I don't know if having a baby will actually change him for the best but I'm not risking it . All I have ever done is want to make him happy . He literally doesn't do anything for himself . I do everything. DIY bins the lot . So I don't know why he's always so moody and snappy . I have also told him time and time again if he has gone off me to tell me but he keep saying that he hasn't . He's not very loving with words but every night when we are home together we put a film on and snuggle up next to each other we always go to bed the same time , sex life is ok . On my birthdays and Valentine's Day he will always write essays on my cards . So I really believe he does love me he just needs to sort his head out If he does I think things would be perfect . X

[Thatnameistaken]

If you haven't already got kids with him, please don't. You will be totally on your own with them and you will all come 3rd place behind work and football.
You sound lovely, go out and find a man who wants to spend time with you.

[RandomMess]

He will not change.

You have proved time and time again you will put up with home treating you like shit. His MH is not excuse to treat you this way. He is doing what he wants when he wants because he doesn't love you, he only lives himself and you make his life easier.

[familys2018]

Also he said he wouldn't be late so I have done food shopping earlier and got all the food ready and he's still not home 😭 x

[familys2018]

Sorry I I haven't come across clearly . I do love him and when he's nice he's really nice . He has very bad mental health issues which I honestly believed for years it was me making him unhappy or mad . But it's not it's him . When he's not working he says he can't deal with him self let alone me . If he does have a day off it's very rare and if it's a nice day even tho he will agree the night before we will go out and do something he always plays up in the morning and then it makes me not want to go . I don't play mind games at all . He's got it so easy with me . Only thing I want from him is honesty and to be nice to me . I know he loves me too . I don't want to end it neither does he . I just really wish he would change . He has sort councilling so we are waiting for the appointment now . I told him to work at the start of the day . He lied to me and said that he's got the weekend off for me . He was supposed to of been working away . It wasn't that it was because no one wanted to go up and wanted a break . After we had the conversation about him not going in . Because he said he wanted to have a nice weekend with me . I agreed and I said I can't wait . We were planning what we were going to do . End of we got on with the night . Then the next day when I was in work he text me saying there's work and can he do it . So I said yes . It upset me saying yes but I thought I would prefere to work rather than spend the weekend with me after . Then when I seen that text last night I told him why it upset me . He's a manager . It does my head in because he's always been like it . Always saying we are saving for something but we never are it's just excuses for him to get out of the house all the time x

[Queenie42]

What does your DP do for work? Sounds like mine.
I feel you need to clearly tell him what you want. He needs simple instructions, for example, Asking you wether he should work the weekend, if you don't want him to, tell him bluntly.
I don't feel he's abusive unless there's a bigger picture here.

[RandomMess]

What do you get from this relationship?

He doesn't spend time with you

He sulks (abusive)

He ignores you (abuse)

Seems like you are a domestic appliance to me!!! You earn your own money, you do all the household stuff and provide sex.

[LannieDuck]

Btw, what on earth were you apologising for? Being upset that he's working again? You're allowed to be upset at never seeing him. He knows you want to spend more time with him, and yet chooses not to. You're allowed to be upset at that.

He chose to take the shift. Yes, you gave him permission, but no-one forced him to sign up to it.

[LannieDuck]

I couldn't be doing with those mind games.

He obviously wants to work, and he wants you to be ok with it. You're not, and he knows that. So he puts you in a position where you either have to say it's ok for him to work, or you have to be the 'bad guy'.

Of course, when you feel pressured to say that it's ok for him to work, he immediately gets his 'get out of jail free' card. Now if you make any hint of being upset, he can just say 'but you told me to work!'.

Et voila. He gets to work, and you're the bad guy for being upset about it. Very manipulative.

The only way to play is to not play. You tell him clearly that you want to spend more time with him, and you want to spend time with him at the weekends. What he chooses to do about it is up to him. His shifts are his to decide. He makes the choice between working and spending time with you - it's not your choice to make (and you'll end up getting blamed whatever you choose).

You'll soon find out whether he prioritises you or not. And then you'll need to decide if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone you never get to spend any time with.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

I don't understand why you don't communicate with him. Tell him what you want rather than expecting him to guess and then being annoyed with him. Clearly he works too much but the communication being the pair of you is dreadful. Stop playing guessing games and be honest with each other. If you wanted him to honour his promise not to work this weekend, why the hell didn't you say that? He's not psychic.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Sorry but also struggling to see where the 'relationship' is here?

He's always at work, or dealing with you being pissed off with him for working. You told him to take work is he was offered it, then got angry with him for it?

It doesn't sound as if either of you enjoy each other's company. Personally, I'd end this. Life is too short to be with someone you don't like.

[C0NNIE]

What the point of him? You never see him and you don’t like him anyway.

Just end it.

[ChristmasFluff]

This isn't a relationship. It's two people who rarely see eachother, don't like eachother much and are constantly playing at a weird one-upmanship of who can be most passive aggressive. Or outright aggressive.

What's the point?

One of you should end this - or do you really want to be like this for the next year/5 years/10 years?

It actually comes across as though you like moaning about how awful he is, but have no intention of binning him.

It's fine to carry on doing what you've always done, but don't expect to get anything other than what you've always got.

You cannot change him. There is no tactic you can try that will work. So your choice is to either stay and accept him as he is, or end the relationship. You make that choice every day anyway, whether you recognise it or not. So next time you are pissed off with him for working, remember, you are choosing him. Every day.

[familys2018]

I finally had a message off him only because I sent one saying please don't be funny with me when you get home and he replied he's not , then sent another one . Pretty long for him . He basically said I told him to work the weekend and in fact he could if actaully done with a weekend off 🤣. I then wrote back exactly what had happened and the next text he changed the subject because I think he remembered what actaully was said and he messed up. But o just said I won't mention it again he can work when and as long as he wants I just want an argue free life . I can't cope with any drama no more I have had way too much of it with him . I don't know weather I'm a cow for thinking this but he text half an hour ago saying great my van won't start and he's stuck a good two hours away . I thought well shouldn't of bloody gone to work should you 😀. I don't tho I phoned him and said do you want me to come get you and he just said a guy from work is on the way up . So between our argument and this I can now say I am
Going to have a great night with him . Not lol x

[Candyfloss99]

Find yourself a man that you actually see and who actually looks forward to spending time with you.