I think DD(18) might have EUPD (BPD). How do I help her?

[copingwitheupd]

Dd has always been very emotional, and can turn from lovely to violently angry in a second. One minute she is friendly and the next she is horribly abusive. She lies about everything and shows no remorse for how she behaves. She is very sensitive and we have to make huge allowances for her in normal everyday things. She uses screens as a way of hiding from the world, and from things she has to do and is a massive procrastinator. She is very academic, and comes across as shy and sweet in public and no one can believe she treats us the way she does. It was a real struggle to get her to school through the sixth form, and she lied a lot to her teachers about her work. She was diagnosed with a mild sleep disorder, and for a long time I thought she would be better if she just got a good night's sleep, but now I think it is worse than that.

I know she has self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts but she won't talk about why, and she refused to keep going to the counsellor we found for her. She did go to the Gp off her own bat, but they just recommended Steps to Well-being and she won't pursue that. She is extremely closed about her feelings, and refuses to talk about her outbursts except to blame everybody else. I think she has soured every family holiday we have ever had.

Lockdown was not going too badly but a couple of weeks ago she flipped for no reason we could see and started attacking her brothers physically, throwing things and breaking plates. She is refusing to have anything to do them or even to eat with us as a family, although she will act fairly normally when they are not around. I thought she had calmed down but then yesterday she tipped a plate of food over her brother just for walking into the kitchen where she was to get a snack. She says she wants them to die, and threatens to hurt them. I feel sick at the thought of the damage growing up with her has done to them, and sick at the thought that she might hurt herself because I love her so much.

Over the years I have googled everything from anxiety to autism to sociopathy but nothing quite fit. Now I'm pretty sure she has EUPD as she fits about 90% of the criteria but I have no idea how to get her help because she won't even entertain the idea of talking to a doctor or counsellor. DH wants to set down some clear boundaries (if she doesn't sit down with to eat she'll have to cook her own food, if she is violent again she will have to leave the house) but I think tough love has never worked with her before so it won't work now. I'm also really hesitant to suggest she has EUPD because I think she will twist that and turn what we say against us.

We are basically looking forward to her going to university in the autumn so we can live a life not tiptoeing on eggshells. It feels horrible to say it but I cannot wait for her to leave. And then I worry that she will crash and burn at university and hurt herself or worse. Or that she will have to come home and I'm not sure I can cope any more with her living in the house permanently (I can just about cope with holidays, I think.)

Does anyone have any recommendations of books to read about how to help her, and manage our family life? Or websites? If you have EUPD did you accept a diagnosis or were you in denial for a long time? What is the best way to stop her being so horrible to us whilst loving her and looking after her?

Tl;dr: I'd love any advice from anyone with experience for DD who I'm pretty sure has EUPD.

Sounds like she needs boundaries. You are enabling her behaviour. I’m a MH practitioner plus I’m 100 percent sure I also have BPD. I’m not diagnosed but I have plenty of female family members who have been diagnosed, and as a practitioner, recognise it in myself and can spot others with it a mile off. Luckily for myself I have tons of awareness and self insight and so with age have managed to regulate my emotions through my own self development and education. It’s still there though at my core, and I expect it will be forever.

Anyhow good luck, there’s not much that can be done or said via an Internet forum and EUPD is very complex. You absolutely do need to read up on boundaries though, there’s brilliant books out there. That will at least help you through lockdown.

It’s not all bad you know, if you can reign it in and harness the gifts that this personality disorder brings you can be very successful in life. I have to be completely honest though, I don’t think it’s something you’re born with. I believe many are born with sensitive temperaments, but this interacts with an environment that fosters the development of certain personality disorders.

I can already see it in my own daughter. Highly sensitive from day one (compared to my others) she thrives under VERY firm boundaries.
The moment I give up on those all hell breaks loose, and she seems to lose control. Consistency, firm boundaries and plenty of validation for her feelings, is the best I can do.

I think the diagnosis from BPD to EUPD changed more than a decade ago. It’s is not diagnosed in young adults. One would say that excessive personality traits exist.
I understand that a lot of women diagnosed with personality traits or EUPD are often autistic. And often the autism is not diagnosed.

Seems like you’re in a dreadfully tough situation.

Going to read through the whole thread later but watching with interest as am considering my dd 18 mental health she also self harms and seems to have difficulties with relationships and friendships. She can fly off the handle but isn’t physical. She refuses to see the gp so struggling to help her

How has your week been coping?

Thank you so much for asking. It has been a quieter week, and she has behaved fairly well, although still refusing to have any contact with her brothers - not coming to meals, avoiding the rooms where they will be. I've not made an issue of it but it is a big deal to me, because family meals have always been important to us. No idea what to do if we manage to go away on holiday: I can't imagine she will want to come, nor do we really want, nor will she be able to stay in the house on her own.

I'm trying to work on positive conversations but I feel like there is an elephant in the room we are going to have to discuss at some point.

I am glad to hear that you are all getting some respite. Maybe just some space, time and distance, a period of her doing her own thing and not being expected to join in right now will settle her enough for her to want to rejoin of her own accord when she is calmer and has more perspective and tolerance.

Mealtimes were a powder keg in my house when my DD’s emotions were in high alert. I found it v depressing and a failure as parent that my family were unable to sit around the table civilly for a meal. Then I just lowered my expectations so that the main aim was to get through a morning with out a blow out - The Walton’s wasn’t realistic. But taking the heat out allowed her to find herself. The only place we could sit around a table was in a specific curry house (when I think of it now it’s probably because there would only ever be another table at the end of the restaurant in at the same time) - we even had to strategically position her. My DH and I sort of boxed her in to separate her from two siblings who she literally couldn’t face. I remember our first successful meal out (it was a Mother’s Day) my DH said after “that was amazing - no kick offs” - I looked at my watch - we had been in there 55 minutes! But it was progress. And it built up over time. Now she is fully involved at family meals and loves cooking and baking for the family. I do recognise the despair though that you are going through. You will be able to engage with her about the elephant in the room after the dust settles for her.....it’s impossible to connect when they are in a heightened emotional state.

I did reflect on the boundaries or hugs mention by PP and it is both. But maybe start with her boundaries. Maybe she would like to express some personal boundaries that are important to her - noise, space, interruptions, expectations etc. Just listen and be open. Then it is much easier to reach a compromise and agree/negotiate respectful boundaries that apply to you all.

How are you all getting on copingwitheupd?