My Husband’s ex wife...

[shambles01]

My husband was married for 10 years with his ex wife and had children too. When we got married he started to talk about his ex wife extensively, for example on our first day as a married couple I made a joke about something and he said oh my ex made that joke. I remember instantly stopping laughing and mentally noting never to mention anything along those lines again. Maybe that’s silly of me but I just felt some type of way, I don’t know how to explain it. Every time my husband talks about her I feel like that, it’s just this unexplained feeling of anger and hurt, (I hope that’s not strange of me to fee like that)?
Almost everyday his ex wife comes up one way or another in our conversation and it was almost as if he is reminiscing about her and his life with her, it was like he either missed her or was comparing her to me or both. I started to be swayed more towards the latter the day when, in my husband’s words, he described his ex wife as the “dogs bollocks”. She was apparently so beautiful and skinny etc. I mention this because when he told me this he then said it would be nice if I started to wear makeup when I’m at home to “look beautiful for him“. I did. It angered me but I did it because I was just in that frame of mind that when he looks at me he obviously doesn’t think I’m the “dogs bollocks” because I‘m on the healthier side so I thought maybe with makeup I can improve that a little?
Moving a bit forward. I am now half way through my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy so everything is new to me but this will be my husband’s fourth child so not a new experience as such for him. When my appetite returned after the first trimester’s morning sickness and I started having cravings leading met to eating a bit more, he said to me “the stored energy you’ve already got probably means you don’t actually even need to eat, the pregnacare vitamins will probably be enough to sustain the baby”. In other words I’m so fat I don’t really need to eat and the baby would still get the nutrients it requires. On top of this in the same conversation he told me when his ex wife was pregnant, as soon as her pregnancy was confirmed she started doing sit ups and what not so she doesn’t put on weight, in other words saying she was so body conscience and I’m just stuffing my face. I got enraged that he would suggest that to me but my eating habits did change slightly for a few days after these remarks where I would eat less or not at all but then everything returned back to normal. The real turning point was when we had an argument about something, (it was my fault I was being hormonal and unreasonable), and he repeatedly said get your fat self out, you’re fat this, fat, fat that etc when we were arguing about something completely away from that. From that day forward which was about a month ago, I used to weigh 14 stones and now I’m 12.4 stones so I’m losing weight despite being pregnant. Every time I’m hungry or craving, (usually an unhealthy food), I would think of how my husband called me fat and either not eat at all or stick to fruit. I’ve been on a diet of just fruit and veg for a month now and as much as I am enjoying the weight loss look sometimes I think to myself my husband has put me in the position where I’m overthinking the calories in every little thing I eat now which is adding stress to an already stressful time. There was a period of time where he didn’t mention his ex wife for a while and the wight loss was consuming me anyway but today he mentioned her again about how she used to be a really good cook, (my husband is hardly ever a fan of anything I cook for him), and it just bought back all those horrible feelings I get whenever he talks about her. I’ve confronted him in the past about him talking about his ex so much, I said it makes me self conscience and insecure but he said that she was a part of his life and always will be because she’s the mother of his children and that I just have to deal with my insecurities, that’s my problem. I guess I took that on board and when he did mention his ex I would just seem neutral and just listen to what he was saying and then have a cry in private.
Since I got pregnant my husband would compare every child he saw, whether it was in a film or when we were out and about, to his own children, oh she looks like my first child, that child looks like my youngest etc and he go through a moment of despair. I also feel strange when he talks about his children which makes me fee like a bad and not supporting wife because I don’t know what to say when he’s in that state, for fear of saying the wrong thing. His children he has described to me as being as beautiful as their mum. He often makes digs at me about how the baby will be ugly like me or fat. At first I thought it was just joke/banter talk but it was reoccurring.
I feel confused about everything, his ex wife, his children with her, his issue with my weight. Every time anyone of these things comes up, which is about 10 times a day, I fee like this rage boiling in me but simultaneously I feel like crying because I feel hurt that I would never be as good looking or as skinny or as good at anything like his ex wife was and that our baby has a bar to meet in their looks compared to his children with his ex. I say to myself it’s because of hormones I feel all of this and that I’m overreacting, overthinking everything but I don’t know? How do I deal with my husband’s previous life he had with his ex wife?

[Wishingstarr]

Shambles01 I have been married for 24 years and my husband has never treated me the way your husband is treating you. He is abusive and does not love you. Can you please answer these questions:
A) How old are you? How old is he?
B) How did you meet?
C) How did his first marriage end?
D) Why have you never met his children?
E) What happened to his ex-wife?
F) Do you have family or friends you can turn to for help?
G) Also, what was your dating life and engagement like and why did you decide to get married?
H) Are you working outside the home.

I apologize for all the questions but they will help us understand your current situation. Stay safe and please eat some protein and drink plenty of water.

[purpleboy]

God this is so sad, he is grinding you down constantly and making you feel worthless.

I guess it's pretty obvious why the ex wife didn't hang around.

You really need to consider your options going forward, if your child witnesses his behavior throughout their childhood it will seriously fuck them up, they will in turn become abusive or victims of the same pattern of abusive behavior. I'm sure that is not what you want for your child.

You are worth more that this, don't let this man take away your self esteem and your identity, you are beautiful exactly as you are, and please start eating, you won't be doing your baby any favors by starving it.

[Tiredmum100]

You are being abused. I would run. He sounds like an absolute fucking areshole and that's putting it midly. I've been with someone like this. Making comments about my weight, when I had lost weight he pulled my plate away from me on holiday saying I'd had enough. I left him11 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made. I knew it would only get worse (there was other emotional abuse too). But yes they make you feel worthless so you stay as you feel it's all you deserve. It's not, it's really not. Are you watching coronation street? The story line on there shows how brain washed people can be. Please get help in real life. Do you have a parent or friend near by? You and your baby are important and need to be healthy. Speak to your midwife. A lot of abuse begins in pregnancy. You deserve more!!!

[Flittingabout]

I know what it is like to have to stop myself mentioning my ex in a reminiscing not comparative way every few days initially to now very rarely...what you describe isn't normal.

It isn't normal to mention an ex AFTER a new partner has discussed how the comparisons make them feel shit.

He is abusive for that alone.

[GinWithRosie]

OP...have you ever met his ex wife or his children? Does he still see them? If not...why not? I think the answers to these questions will be very telling. I also think he will not have told you the truth about them!

Is there any way you could find out about his ex wife and children, and how/why their relationship ended? It is very probable that he was abusive to them also...this type of abusive personality doesn't just suddenly start...he has always been this way!

You need to leave! (I've never said that before on here!) You are being abused.

[20wedding19]

I too am shocked at the level of abuse here and have never encouraged an OP to leave but my goodness please, you need to leave immediately. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and (lightheartedly) joke I'm getting so fat and my DH always reassures me, says I'm growing a human being and I'm not fat.
You need to listen to your body right now for your baby's sake. Ive drank literally gallons of full fat milk (hated the stuff before) but that's what my body was telling me to do.
On my worst days he has done everything in the house such as cleaning etc. Please, you should be being treated like this too, it should be a very exciting time but I can understand you may be vulnerable too, that's natural in pregnancy, how your husband is reacting too it is not
Did he only start acting like this after marriage? Something about your OP makes me think you or your husband (or both of you) are from a different cultural background. I'm sorry if I have got that totally wrong but my DH is from a completely different culture but is very westernized however I've seen how others in his culture stay in marriages that are similar to this.
This makes me so sad. I hope you have done kind of support network you can go too

[5LeafPenguin]

You are right to be worried, he is not being kind to you or the baby.

I expect that he is not like this all the time and that sometimes ( when he's in a good mood and you do what he wants) he is nice to you. People are commenting that you've never met his exw or children, but maybe he's explained that in the past and that it's not his fault.

Here's the thing, what he's doing to you is really bad. It's abusive and controlling. The power dynamic in your relationship seems very one sided and that can be a sign that you are afraid to challenge him because you know there'll be payback.

What has he told you about the end of his first marriage. A red flag would be if she left the family home and took the children with her...especially if you realise that he would never leave your home and you would have to do the same thing.

You might not want it to be true because it's a frightening situation but it's unlikely to change.

Please talk to someone in real life. Maybe show your op to the midwife or your GP. Or call women's aid. If you have family or a friend you can trust talk to them too. 💐

[PussGirl]

What a horrible, unkind man you're married to.

As for his gorgeous, thin ex who exercised all through her pregnancies - she may well have been bullied into it by him too.

My ex used to make comments about my being scruffy if I wore jeans & no make-up because he felt I ought to "make an effort for him". He also used to compare me to various exes regarding breast size, hair colour & so on. Twat.

Current DP thinks I'm gorgeous even with no make-up and hair all over the place - and he tells me! Yes he loves to see me all dressed up too but it's always my choice.

It won't improve, sadly.

[Dery]

@shambles01

You feel confused because you know, deep down, that this is not how a husband should behave. In fact, the situation you are describing is dangerous to you and your baby. Your DH is a bastard. It is not normal to torment your second spouse with mentions of your first spouse. He's done it to make you feel insecure and to make you cling to him and feel like you have to earn his affection. Really abusive stuff.

As PP have said, it is very odd if you have been together long enough for you to get married but you have not actually met his children or his ex. That suggests there is serious abuse of his family in his background and he has now moved on to abuse you.

But even if you have met his children and his ex, and even if he was lovely to them (very unlikely or they would probably still be together), he is treating you appallingly. He is abusing you. And he is endangering your health and the health of your baby. No way should you be losing weight while pregnant. No way will the baby develop as s/he should on just the pregnancy vitamins.

I've just started reading The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser and it makes very clear that abusers target partners who are deeply kind and habitually put others before them. I'm guessing that describes you. The fact that you posted asking how you could deal with your H's previous life with his first wife shows that you think the onus is on you to fix his nasty behaviour. Because you, as a kind, loving human being who tends to put others first assume it's your job to adapt to him. Not his job to stop treating you so bloody appallingly. But it's NOT your job to adapt to this behaviour because his behaviour is so profoundly wrong.

The fact that he has started/ramped up his abuse now you're married and pregnant is also typical of abusive men - it's because he feels like he's got you now and it will be harder for you to get away. Which is true. It will be harder for you to get away. But it is still possible. And it is what you need to do to save yourself and your baby.

You posted asking how you could deal with his previous life so you clearly didn't post expecting to be told to leave. So you have a lot to come to terms with here and it will take some time.

So: one step at a time, OP. You don't have to do this all at once. Do you have friends or family you can easily get away to even if only temporarily at this stage? Don't discuss it with him as he will not facilitate this. Maybe just explain that you feel a change of scene would do you good. The truth is you would be escaping domestic abuse and the rules are clear that you are allowed to move households to do that. But you don't need to put it to him in those terms. And you don't need to make a final decision about your relationship. But if you spend some time away from him around people who treat you lovingly and don't try to stop you feeding yourself and your baby, you will probably start to recognise that your problem is your H not his family and that being with him is very bad for you.

[ErickBroch]

OK. Firstly, he is abusing you. Secondly, he probably abused his ex wife in the same way. This stuff about how amazing his ex wife is most likely fictitious and he is just using it to control, upset, and abuse you. I am really sorry it has taken until posting here to see it - this relatiionship is extremely unhealthy and plain dangerous.

You need to run for yourself and your baby.

[firsttimemum30]

Please stop dieting and lose approx 15 stone when you kick his abusive ass out the door.

[Mary1935]

Poor you OP he’s a cruel man and this is not love.
Please contact women’s aid.
I would talk to your mid wife.
You seem very young.
He will emotionally destroy you.
Bastard.
🌺🌺🌺🌺

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

This is a really unhealthy relationship for you to be in.

He is constantly undermining you, making you question your worth, your weight, your looks... he should be making you feel like a queen. Instead, he's making you feel terrible.

Can you leave? Today? Do you have somewhere to go? Please don't put up with being treated like this.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I’ve been on a diet of just fruit and veg for a month now and as much as I am enjoying the weight loss

Oh hun, you know you can't do this, you need a balanced diet to make the baby. I'm sure you want it to be the healthiest it can be. I know it's hard as I have an eating disorder sometimes myself, but when you're pregnant you can't be dieting, you have to think of the baby.

I say to myself it’s because of hormones I feel all of this and that I’m overreacting, overthinking everything but I don’t know?

No, it's not you, he's verbally and emotionally abusive.

I'm concerned with how he's going on about how the baby is going to end up supposedly fat/ugly, that he might be abusive to your child. Words stick.
-
I would assume his ex left him because he's an arsehole.

He is only going to get worse- please separate from him.

You seem very young.

@Mary1935 Wankers can fuck with us and do our heads in at any age.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

I've never done a LTB before but here it is.
Leave this wanker op hes a nasty piece of work.

[Blondebakingmumma]

You are pregnant! Eat for your baby!

[Namechange7654321]

Your husband is an abusive arse.

You need to put yourself and your baby first. Please eat properly for the sake of your growing baby!

[frillydress]

I'm so sad for you OP that he had so many signs since the first day of marriage and you thought it was normal, could laugh it off and was fooled that he might become loving. Then to go get pregnant to him, who calls his own unborn baby "probably fat and ugly" imagine how much patience he's going to have with baby?! The baby will also grow up being compared to his siblings if not by intelligence by looks as well as everything else. The baby will definitely have a better upbringing and self confidence being raised by you alone.

What a narcissistic horrible man.

[frillydress]

Also please eat, you're depriving your baby to please a cunt. hope you find the courage to leave, ASAP.

[beautifulmonument]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP.
Your husband is abusive and if you don't leave he will destroy you. I know being a single mum sounds scary but it's not that bad, I've been there. It's a million times better than being with an abusive man. You need to rescue yourself and your baby from this situation. You don't want your baby growing up thinking that this is how people treat each other.

[FizzyGreenWater]

You need to leave. Ideally as ap before your baby is born so that you do not have to go through birth and newborn stage with no support from a horrible, abusive creep.

He is an ABUSER.

This isn't anythign to do with you, your shape or size, your personality, or even his ex. In fact it's more probable than not that he was just as hideous to her while they were together and that he's just hit on the 'perfect ex wife' tactic as a particularly unpleasant way to hurt and control you. Do you know why they split?

Do you have anywhere you can go? Who owns your home?

Please please leave. Everyone here will tell you the same. Get out and get support for the next few months,

[Oliveoil2020]

Funnily enough, I've been on the other side of a situation like this.

My ex left me for OW and she got pregnant within a few months. She is much younger and much slimmer than myself, however she clearly had/has major insecurities about me ( no idea why, unless ex talks about me and our grown up kids?).

This OW spent her entire pregnancy and post pregnancy, cutting and pasting headless shots of skinny women all over social media (pretending they were her) with phrases such as "It only took me 8 months to get back into shape. So sad for the ex wife who is still fat after 20 years!" as well as telling everyone that my ex hated that I was obese (I'm a size 14) and that was why he divorced me!

Looking back on it now after several years, the woman still has major issues but it's become so ridiculous now that it's rather funny. In your case, I think that any man who treats their partner as your husband is treating you (especially in pregnancy) needs a good talking to! When I had kids, family sized bars of chocolate, cans of Guinness and wearing elasticated trousers for 3 years after births was completely the norm!

Your weight loss is bad news during pregnancy. Focus on you and the baby. NEVER do anything to please a man who treats you like yours is doing. xx

[user1481840227]

Agree with the pp who said he's already abusing your baby.

Your baby needs nutrients and protein and so on, this isn't healthy, a pregnancy vitamin can't do everything.
Also the stress won't be good.
Some things that happen in pregnancy cannot be undone when the baby is born. Fetal malnutrition can have long term consequences! It's not like you can just undo that when the baby is born and eventually able to eat its own food!!

Your husband might be causing you to respond like this, but you're the one who can choose to eat.

Please get away.

[Balkin]

Your husband sounds like a grade A prick.

[Imissmoominmama]

Are you ok OP? You posted in the early hours, but you don’t seem to have read any of the replies.