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My Husband’s ex wife...

91 replies

shambles01 · 12/06/2020 02:42

My husband was married for 10 years with his ex wife and had children too. When we got married he started to talk about his ex wife extensively, for example on our first day as a married couple I made a joke about something and he said oh my ex made that joke. I remember instantly stopping laughing and mentally noting never to mention anything along those lines again. Maybe that’s silly of me but I just felt some type of way, I don’t know how to explain it. Every time my husband talks about her I feel like that, it’s just this unexplained feeling of anger and hurt, (I hope that’s not strange of me to fee like that)?
Almost everyday his ex wife comes up one way or another in our conversation and it was almost as if he is reminiscing about her and his life with her, it was like he either missed her or was comparing her to me or both. I started to be swayed more towards the latter the day when, in my husband’s words, he described his ex wife as the “dogs bollocks”. She was apparently so beautiful and skinny etc. I mention this because when he told me this he then said it would be nice if I started to wear makeup when I’m at home to “look beautiful for him“. I did. It angered me but I did it because I was just in that frame of mind that when he looks at me he obviously doesn’t think I’m the “dogs bollocks” because I‘m on the healthier side so I thought maybe with makeup I can improve that a little?
Moving a bit forward. I am now half way through my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy so everything is new to me but this will be my husband’s fourth child so not a new experience as such for him. When my appetite returned after the first trimester’s morning sickness and I started having cravings leading met to eating a bit more, he said to me “the stored energy you’ve already got probably means you don’t actually even need to eat, the pregnacare vitamins will probably be enough to sustain the baby”. In other words I’m so fat I don’t really need to eat and the baby would still get the nutrients it requires. On top of this in the same conversation he told me when his ex wife was pregnant, as soon as her pregnancy was confirmed she started doing sit ups and what not so she doesn’t put on weight, in other words saying she was so body conscience and I’m just stuffing my face. I got enraged that he would suggest that to me but my eating habits did change slightly for a few days after these remarks where I would eat less or not at all but then everything returned back to normal. The real turning point was when we had an argument about something, (it was my fault I was being hormonal and unreasonable), and he repeatedly said get your fat self out, you’re fat this, fat, fat that etc when we were arguing about something completely away from that. From that day forward which was about a month ago, I used to weigh 14 stones and now I’m 12.4 stones so I’m losing weight despite being pregnant. Every time I’m hungry or craving, (usually an unhealthy food), I would think of how my husband called me fat and either not eat at all or stick to fruit. I’ve been on a diet of just fruit and veg for a month now and as much as I am enjoying the weight loss look sometimes I think to myself my husband has put me in the position where I’m overthinking the calories in every little thing I eat now which is adding stress to an already stressful time. There was a period of time where he didn’t mention his ex wife for a while and the wight loss was consuming me anyway but today he mentioned her again about how she used to be a really good cook, (my husband is hardly ever a fan of anything I cook for him), and it just bought back all those horrible feelings I get whenever he talks about her. I’ve confronted him in the past about him talking about his ex so much, I said it makes me self conscience and insecure but he said that she was a part of his life and always will be because she’s the mother of his children and that I just have to deal with my insecurities, that’s my problem. I guess I took that on board and when he did mention his ex I would just seem neutral and just listen to what he was saying and then have a cry in private.
Since I got pregnant my husband would compare every child he saw, whether it was in a film or when we were out and about, to his own children, oh she looks like my first child, that child looks like my youngest etc and he go through a moment of despair. I also feel strange when he talks about his children which makes me fee like a bad and not supporting wife because I don’t know what to say when he’s in that state, for fear of saying the wrong thing. His children he has described to me as being as beautiful as their mum. He often makes digs at me about how the baby will be ugly like me or fat. At first I thought it was just joke/banter talk but it was reoccurring.
I feel confused about everything, his ex wife, his children with her, his issue with my weight. Every time anyone of these things comes up, which is about 10 times a day, I fee like this rage boiling in me but simultaneously I feel like crying because I feel hurt that I would never be as good looking or as skinny or as good at anything like his ex wife was and that our baby has a bar to meet in their looks compared to his children with his ex. I say to myself it’s because of hormones I feel all of this and that I’m overreacting, overthinking everything but I don’t know? How do I deal with my husband’s previous life he had with his ex wife?

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dottiedodah · 12/06/2020 07:34

You need to eat well when pregnant .Your Iron levels need to be topped up by a healthy diet ,not being restricted and losing weight when pregnant?! WTAF .I would see if you could move back with your parents /family if you can .He is not over his ex or has forgotten why they split up and is being very unfair to you .