My Husband’s ex wife...

[shambles01]

My husband was married for 10 years with his ex wife and had children too. When we got married he started to talk about his ex wife extensively, for example on our first day as a married couple I made a joke about something and he said oh my ex made that joke. I remember instantly stopping laughing and mentally noting never to mention anything along those lines again. Maybe that’s silly of me but I just felt some type of way, I don’t know how to explain it. Every time my husband talks about her I feel like that, it’s just this unexplained feeling of anger and hurt, (I hope that’s not strange of me to fee like that)?
Almost everyday his ex wife comes up one way or another in our conversation and it was almost as if he is reminiscing about her and his life with her, it was like he either missed her or was comparing her to me or both. I started to be swayed more towards the latter the day when, in my husband’s words, he described his ex wife as the “dogs bollocks”. She was apparently so beautiful and skinny etc. I mention this because when he told me this he then said it would be nice if I started to wear makeup when I’m at home to “look beautiful for him“. I did. It angered me but I did it because I was just in that frame of mind that when he looks at me he obviously doesn’t think I’m the “dogs bollocks” because I‘m on the healthier side so I thought maybe with makeup I can improve that a little?
Moving a bit forward. I am now half way through my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy so everything is new to me but this will be my husband’s fourth child so not a new experience as such for him. When my appetite returned after the first trimester’s morning sickness and I started having cravings leading met to eating a bit more, he said to me “the stored energy you’ve already got probably means you don’t actually even need to eat, the pregnacare vitamins will probably be enough to sustain the baby”. In other words I’m so fat I don’t really need to eat and the baby would still get the nutrients it requires. On top of this in the same conversation he told me when his ex wife was pregnant, as soon as her pregnancy was confirmed she started doing sit ups and what not so she doesn’t put on weight, in other words saying she was so body conscience and I’m just stuffing my face. I got enraged that he would suggest that to me but my eating habits did change slightly for a few days after these remarks where I would eat less or not at all but then everything returned back to normal. The real turning point was when we had an argument about something, (it was my fault I was being hormonal and unreasonable), and he repeatedly said get your fat self out, you’re fat this, fat, fat that etc when we were arguing about something completely away from that. From that day forward which was about a month ago, I used to weigh 14 stones and now I’m 12.4 stones so I’m losing weight despite being pregnant. Every time I’m hungry or craving, (usually an unhealthy food), I would think of how my husband called me fat and either not eat at all or stick to fruit. I’ve been on a diet of just fruit and veg for a month now and as much as I am enjoying the weight loss look sometimes I think to myself my husband has put me in the position where I’m overthinking the calories in every little thing I eat now which is adding stress to an already stressful time. There was a period of time where he didn’t mention his ex wife for a while and the wight loss was consuming me anyway but today he mentioned her again about how she used to be a really good cook, (my husband is hardly ever a fan of anything I cook for him), and it just bought back all those horrible feelings I get whenever he talks about her. I’ve confronted him in the past about him talking about his ex so much, I said it makes me self conscience and insecure but he said that she was a part of his life and always will be because she’s the mother of his children and that I just have to deal with my insecurities, that’s my problem. I guess I took that on board and when he did mention his ex I would just seem neutral and just listen to what he was saying and then have a cry in private.
Since I got pregnant my husband would compare every child he saw, whether it was in a film or when we were out and about, to his own children, oh she looks like my first child, that child looks like my youngest etc and he go through a moment of despair. I also feel strange when he talks about his children which makes me fee like a bad and not supporting wife because I don’t know what to say when he’s in that state, for fear of saying the wrong thing. His children he has described to me as being as beautiful as their mum. He often makes digs at me about how the baby will be ugly like me or fat. At first I thought it was just joke/banter talk but it was reoccurring.
I feel confused about everything, his ex wife, his children with her, his issue with my weight. Every time anyone of these things comes up, which is about 10 times a day, I fee like this rage boiling in me but simultaneously I feel like crying because I feel hurt that I would never be as good looking or as skinny or as good at anything like his ex wife was and that our baby has a bar to meet in their looks compared to his children with his ex. I say to myself it’s because of hormones I feel all of this and that I’m overreacting, overthinking everything but I don’t know? How do I deal with my husband’s previous life he had with his ex wife?

[Cherrysoup]

Tell him to fuck off back to her if she’s so fucking amazing. Twat.

[cantarina]

You know how he is making you feel. Trust yourself. Everything he is doing is calculated to make you strive to please him to live up to this glorious ex. You are being controlled, utter madness to lose weight while pregnant and the baby certainly won't survive on vitamins alone. And it is disgusting that he would imply that the baby would be ugly.

Your pregnancy should be a time of joy not being put on the spot, found lacking and manipulated. Motherhood in the first few months is hard enough when husbands are supportive and loving, you will likely find it easier to go it alone. I bet the ex would have a few tales to tell if you were able to have a cards on the table conversation.

[DBML]

Op, you’re looking at this as if your husband has a case of mentionitis and that he therefore must still be harbouring feelings for his ex wife.

I would put money on this not being the case. In fact I would bet that your husband knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

It is an abusive behaviour. It is a way of controlling you.

Do not encourage this or tolerate this behaviour by doing what he is trying to manipulate you into doing...and do not even blink an eye when he mentions his ex, he’s only using her as a tool anyway.

Personally I think you would be better off leaving this idiot. But at the very least order yourself a large pizza and refuse to share it with him. Don’t give him any more power.

[RedWine123]

He sounds awful. Please eat properly, if you don’t, the only people that will suffer are you and your baby. If he loves his ex wife so much, he can go and be with her. You deserve so much better. Prioritise yourself and your baby.

[Runnerduck34]

Im sorry love, its absolutely not you its him! He sounds horrendous, emotionally abusive. Dont try and justify his behaviour your feelings are nothing to do with pregnancy hormones but completely understandable.
His marriage to his first wife clearly wasnt the dogs bollocks, they are divorced. Maybe she saw through him and ran for the hills.
I think you need to run for the hills too, he wont change . hes not supporting you but is undermining you to make you feel.insecure. frankly he sounds downright nasty, dont spend your life with this man.
Can you talk to family and friends in RL , put a plan in place to leave him.

[Isthisnothing]

Op there is absolutely no way he was telling his ex she was beautiful or the dogs bollocks when he was with her. He probably told her she was like a man with her skinny body. Or else he probably told her she was getting fat and that's why she dieted so extremely.

The way he is talking to you is nothing to do with you. It's all him. He knows exactly what he's doing. I know you're married and you have a child on the way but this is not love, this is abuse.

And as for 'joking' that the baby is going to be ugly or encouraging you to starve the foetus, it breaks my heart.

When that baby comes you are going to be consumed with love. Get yourself away fr this man and into a safe place.

[LightDrizzle]

Why don’t you see his children?
Did his ex-wife “make up a load of lies” about him being abusive etc. and “not let” him see his own kids?
Because in the U.K. a non-resident parent who seeks regular contact with their children will get it, unless there are extraordinary reasons why they shouldn’t.
I’d like to hear his story about the reason for the divorce. I suspect they are a pack of lies.
Presumably he treated her like a queen and was a doting father but she cheated or something and turned into a bitch over the divorce, so scarring him that you have to jump through hoops ensuring your behaviour doesn’t “upset” him.

[megladon2020]

He sounds like a twat but it sounds like he's always been a twat! The warning signs were there early on.

It's really important that you look after you and your baby. Please speak to your midwife. What's it going to be like after you've had dc and he's then berating you because you're not loosing the 'baby weight' fast enough- I bet his exw lost it in an hour. You need supportive people around you not someone who constantly puts you down. Do you have anyone you could go and stay with?

[Dollyrocket]

This man is a vile, abusive pig. Please get help and leave him.

[pinktaxi]

Start preparations to leave and go. He is just vile. If you weren't pregnant, I would say, if you think so much of your exW, then fuck off back to her. Then leave. As it is take care of yourself and your baby, an make preparation to go.

[WoollyMammouth]

Your hormones aren’t the problem here and neither is the ex, the problem is your abusive husband.

[user1471082124]

Please read your post and try to digest what you are saying.
Your lovely baby is growing inside you. It is making its brain and using all the energy that requires. Our brains are made from fat, like olive oil. The baby is processing the connections. This is an important time for development. If you are continually stressed your baby is bathed in stress hormones. Not good for development.
Please talk to your midwife. She can signpost you to support. You are being emotionally abused and there is some coercive control. You are at risk of further harm and I would say a huge risk of post natal depression because this will continue and may escalate
Please start to take care of yourself.

[1Micem0use]

Please talk to your midwife. Tell them everything you've written here

[Cantbelievethiss]

Echoing everyone else

[Mix56]

Fuck.That Shit.

This is just the start. Please call your Mum, get in your car, & go home.
It is not OK, You need a balanced healthy diet for your baby.
You need to separate from this poor excuse of a lying Dick, if EW was so hot, perfect, fit & he is so Great, why did she dump him ?
He is an abusive monster.
L T B

[flamingochill]

I've read your post with a face like this It's like a horror movie or something. You are being abused by the person who should be adoring you.