Doubting my own judgement

[counters22]

Please help… I am trying to decide whether to ask my husband for a divorce and am totally confused and have lost faith in my own judgement.
I’m afraid of staying in a relationship that isn’t good enough and can’t be fixed, but I’m also afraid of leaving and regretting it. How do you know/decide what to do!?

I’ve considered divorce on and off over the years (since 2014) so we’ve definitely had our issues over the years. Each time we say we’ll give it a few months to try and improve things but the fact that I’m here now I guess suggests that we don’t manage to make permanent improvements (although in 2017 I didn’t think we’d separate as I then chose to have my youngest in 2018).

To give you an idea of the issues that I feel are in the relationship:

• Broken Trust – I don’t think my husband would cheat on me, so I guess I’m lucky in that sense. But I have had my trust broken - for example, when my husband knew I wouldn’t approve of a particular boy’s weekend away he lied and told me he was going away with his Dad and cousin on a racing weekend. He continued to lie when asked about it (to the point of showing me pictures of his cousin with a horse and suggesting I was in the wrong for even questioning him) and only admitted it when I told him I had seen messages on his phone. Another example is where he didn’t tell me about a payrise (we put all of our money in a joint account) – he withdrew it and kept it in the wardrobe instead. Looking back I think we should have handled our finances differently as I think the issue was that maybe he felt like he always had to explain how he was spending his money because of it being in a joint account – but I don’t like that he was deceptive instead of talking to me about it. These particular examples are from 2016 and 2018 but I’ve found it hard to get past in the sense that I find myself suspicious about things now 

• Compassion - I often don’t feel like my husband really cares for me/my feelings. From simple things like speaking over me on a night out, to when on holiday he left me to get out of the swimming pool and find my way to medical help on my own after I hurt myself. He’ll also walk away from me even if I’m in tears during an argument. He’s a massive football fan and we’ve also had many arguments about times when he’s put football over family occasions. My husband in fairness to him doesn’t go out drinking etc that often and I don’t have an issue with him going to the football but it feels like it comes first and the family are expected to fit around it? Am I expecting too much?

• Communication – my husband gets frustrated when I’m upset by something and often says things like “are you still going on about this”, “why do you always make things into an issue” etc. I pick and choose which issues are big enough to discuss and he quite often gets frustrated if the conversation goes on for longer than he would like.

• Volatile Mood - my husband seems to over-react to things, for example, he might swear about being woken by one of the children or get easily annoyed if things don’t go smoothly to plan. I’ve noticed I’ve started feeling anxious when the children are “playing up”, but I think moreso because I don’t want him to get stressed out and then the whole thing spiral from there – rather than it being the children’s behaviour itself that’s bothering me. I’m also starting to worry that my daughter is being affected as she has become more emotional recently.

Of course my husband has positives too – he works hard and splits childcare and housework with me equally. He has tried to make improvements in the past when we’ve had discussions and I genuinely think wants to do right by us. Particularly since our last discussion in March he does seem to be trying to be less snappy etc… but so much has happened that I'm wondering whether this is just to get me to stay and then old habits will return - but then think I'm being unfair to him. I'm very confused!

Is there such a thing as too much water under the bridge? Am I over-reacting to things and should be more grateful for what he does and more laid back?

Please help!

Why not leave it up to him? You could tell him it's 'last chance saloon', and that if he screws up again, it's over. That would give you more time, save you from the anxiety of 'maybe he'll really sort himself out this time/maybe not', whilst still keeping you in control of your life.

Tell him how you want to be treated, and how you want to feel, and then, going forward, if he doesn't treat you that way/you don't feel that way around him, you agree to break up. You could even put a time limit on it, so that you don't end up dribbling your life away on repeatedly 'giving him one more chance'. 3 months or something. Long enough to 'try again' and slip, if he's just pretending.

@Eckhart Thank you for your advice. I am considering that approach so that it takes the pressure of the decision off me and in a few months I'm either happy or I'm not. I still need to see whether wiping the slate clean is something I can or want to do too though, it takes quite a lot of trust to do that I think. Plus my husband is saying he needs affection from me and as I've said in earlier messages I'm just a bit shut down and emotionally numb right now.

Well, you can't fake it. He knows he's hurt you, otherwise he wouldn't be saying he was willing to change. Is he not willing to accept that you probably will be distant for a while, as a direct result of the way he's treated you?

If not, he's already screwing it up, despite all his talk of changing, and new beginnings. He simply needs to respect your feelings. If you don't feel like being affectionate, you can say no. You can say 'I don't feel like it', you can say 'I'm still hurt and I'm going to need you to respect that I need some space.'

If he won't play according to your boundaries, then it's game over. Relationship 101 is 'Respect your partner'. Make your boundaries clear. All the time. If he hurts you, tell him. If he doesn't listen to you, tell him. If he makes you feel shit in any way at all, tell him. You don't have to be horrible or tearful or dramatic. Just tell him straight. If he sulks, he's making an idiot of himself, and he is wrecking the relationship. You are not wrecking the relationship by having your feelings. If you were, that would mean you were wrecking it simply by being yourself, in which case, you'd be incompatible anyway.

@Eckhart I think he sees it in recent history as I'm equally to blame, because I've been distant since March and he's felt like he's been getting no attention or affection from me. He wants us to spend time together and be more affectionate towards each other and thinks that will make a big difference to how cared for we both feel. He said he wouldn't do something like leave me when I've hurt myself again. I guess I'll have to speak to him about how understanding he can be about me holding back for a while. I think he would accept it but it's whether it would be the start of another vicious circle.

I think you're right that I probably do need to work out what my boundaries actually are and make them clearer. And also that I'm not in the wrong for having feelings. My husband was at least honest when we sat down to chat and agreed that he's not an empathetic person.

Gosh OP, I could have written your post. I am in exactly the same position.

A couple of weeks ago I actually thought I was going to say we should separate and started thinking what life would be like in my own place with our DD.

He knew something was wrong & challenged me & it all came out that my feelings have changed and numerous things that he had said or done that made me feel unloved which in turn did not make me want to be intimate.

He is now trying very hard to make things better and has apologised lots. I think he is very shocked (although not sure why as we have had problems for a long time).

I am not making any rash decisions and said let’s see how things go over the next few months to see how I (& him feels). I am hoping my love for him returns but I also wonder if too much damage has been done.

Your DH sounds like mine. It’s very weird reading this thread as it mirrors my life!

Your second point in you OP, and a few other times, you've mentioned his lack of compassion, and how that's hurt you. You need to be in a relationship with a compassionate person. He is telling you now, straight out, that he lacks empathy. He is demonstrating his lack of empathy right now, by trying to get you to show him affection when you don't want to, due to him hurting you. What if it was 'thoughtless'? You know, walking away when you'd hurt yourself? And he told you 'Well, I'm just a thoughtless person.' D'you think it's ok to just accept that? Because that's kind of what he's done in admitting he lacks empathy.

I really think that the reason you keep going back and trying again, round and round the vicious circle, is because you don't want to accept that you are incompatible.

I would say that his behaviour is abusive, or bordering on it. He's got you questioning your own reality. He lies. He doesn't seem to care until you say you're leaving, and then he turns on enough charm to get you to stay. This has a name, you can google it, 'the cycle of abuse'.

But if you don't want to see it when it's so plainly before your eyes, nobody can help you. Read about emotional abuse, though. The more you realise how many boxes he ticks, the sooner you'll say STOP, once and for all.

I think he sees it in recent history as I'm equally to blame, because I've been distant since March and he's felt like he's been getting no attention or affection from me. He wants us to spend time together and be more affectionate towards each other and thinks that will make a big difference to how cared for we both feel

Is this is euphemism for he wants more sex?

Or do you really not give him any attention - have Conversations with him, watch Tv with him, cook meals for him or launder his clothes ?

You say he wants spend time with you and that you’ve not been on a date night in 12 months. How often has your husband arranged a babysitter so you could go out?

Because If he’s arranging Babysitters , places to go and weekends away and and you refuse to go then I can see his point.

But if he says he wants to spend time going out with you and does nothing to make it happen then he’s bull shitting you.

@Eckhart Thank you for your honesty, what you're saying does make perfect sense. I think you're right that it's hard to accept that you're incompatible with somebody who you've been with for 14 years and have 2 children with. Although I totally see that we have been unhappy and having frequent chats etc for a lot of that time. I do need compassion in my life. We've had another chat tonight and both seem to be in agreement that we should start the process of separating. I'm scared but hopefully it'll be for the best long term.

@PussInBin20 It's funny how people can live such similar lives sometimes isn't it! I really hope that things pull together and you start to feel happier. We've had conversations before and never really managed to fix it so I think I'm probably lucky that at this point my husband is admitting he's going to struggle to give me the emotional attention I obviously need. It sounds like your husband is putting effort in, hopefully he's had the shock he needed!

It is scary, and big changes ahead, but from this objective viewpoint on my sofa, after all you've said on this thread, I've just done a little air-punch for you because I think separating will do you all the good in the world.

It's showing compassion for yourself, and that's a huge step in the right direction. I don't normally do these, but here you go:

@Eckhart Thank you, I really appreciate all of your help and messages throughout this thread - honestly, it's made a massive difference. I feel like I've tortured myself for the last few days but hopefully we can start to move forward now. I have no doubt that I'll have days where I doubt myself all over again but I'll try to hang in there and hope for a happier future.