How do we live together?

[Unread00]

I've been with DP for 3 years. 3 kids between us (none together). Currently live separately. DP has recently said we should start thinking about living together, and to have a look at what houses are around. My issue is:

I currently own my home (mortgage). DP lives with family after separation from his ex (pays rent). My DP can't move in with me as my house is tiny (there would literally be no room at all for him or his DC).

I wouldn't be happy to sell my house to then rent a house with him.

To me it seems silly to sell my house and buy one with him when we have never actually lived together.

DP thinks it'll be fine to just go ahead and buy together and doesn't really see what the issue is I'm having.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Would be much appreciated!

So you want to inflict a great sulking manchild on your DC as well as moving them into another home with other kids who are virtually strangers.

You seem to be apologising for him here an awful lot. His DC are 'tricky' possibly because of lack of boundaries when with their father. This is not an awful thing to say, it's just another reason to not to let him ride roughshod over your wants and needs.

How would your DC feel being forced to share a home with these 'tricky' kids?

There is no gain at all here for you OP. None, except keeping this man sweet by doing exactly what HE wants, to your own detriment, let alone your DC.

@Techway I'd like to think it was the first rather than the latter, he would definitely be worse off finically if we moved in together compared to how he is now

@TwentyViginti I totally hear what you're saying.

My DC are pretty laid back and generally do as I ask / have great manners. His DC is quite highly strung (for want of a better word) and doesn't always behave as he'd like. I'm trying to be careful how I word it! Not a bad kid though.

Nothing about this sounds like a good idea. You absolutely need to put you and your children first. Sulking is actually a form of emotional abuse and he sounds controlling and selfish. Please don't do it

Of course, most couples just move in together eventually, but I think you're very sensible to keep your own home. Most relationships break up (1 in 2 marriages, and more in co-habiting couples.) To me it isn't really worth it.

And as for conflict resolution, his is to sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

Not good, and that you find his DC's a handful and think he doesn't give them enough structure (and it sounds to me you're right BTW) wouldn't make for a smooth ride either.

I married a man child who's dc was also highly strung..
Lack of parenting as I discovered.
His behaviour regressed until it was like having an extra teen - the dh not the actual dc..
I divorced him and life was suddenly great..
Honestly op you would do your dc a huge disservice by living together..
Ime.

first he needs to live on his own, and you need to see how he is with housework, cooking and parenting his DC when he has them.

This, absolutely this wot @twentyvirginti said

think he'd be a bit peeved if I suggested him living on his own first

And then this just shows my why he needs to live alone first. Living with family he will have a lot of backup which he might not even notice .... until he is still expecting it but from you.

Our parenting styles are quite different - he's quite laid back and for example will let his DC go to bed late whereas I have more of a routine with mine.

Shudder. Nothing about this tells me that you have anything to gain from living together, never mind buying together, with all the added complexity of joint ownership of a major financial asset.

sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

Picture that, along with different parenting styles for the rest of your life. Never mind what you do when it gets to inheritance.

Honestly, OP, you would be quite mad to do this. Why not unjust stay as you are.

There is a such a lot to be said for having your own front door. Don't let anyone talk you out of that without a really, really good reason. Certainly not to make his FB life easier.

It sounds like you'd rather stick with the stays quo. It sounds to be working ok so I think you're right. Of course he wants you to give him a leg up the property ladder!

2 small houses seems perfect. Your children are still quite young and there seems to be no real driver from you.

Could he afford to buy a house? Can he really cope with paying more as that will mean less disposable income, is he discipline enough to cut back. If not it means you will be picking up the tab because once you live together you will feel compelled to help. If he can't afford a meal out would you pay or let him stay home?

He should be driving this by doing the research and coming to you will proposals. He needs to know the figures..romance flies out the window when money worries appear!

Oh no no no..a little tricky turns into ALOT worse when you're all living together and kids go through major adjustments, and change brings challenges. Parenting him will involve you when you're kids are there to cant boy when you're living like that. Please I urge you to at least trial regular sleepovers if you're determined to do it and give it a long long time, you're in a great position as a homeowner do not jeopardize it for the unknown. Please.

[quote Unread00]@Ninkanink I quite like the idea of it just being me and the kids until they are a bit older and off doing there own thing, even if it meant living separately for quite a while. DP thinks by now we should be more of a family unit, hence moving in together![/quote]
There is nothing wrong with wanting to live separately while you raise children. Lots of couples who have children from previous relationships do this.

He however does see you living together as one family. Sounds to me like you want different things out of your future. On this one of you will need to compromise or you go your separate ways.

In terms of rushing straight in and buying a house together, that seems quite an immature and reckless thing to do. There's far too much for you both to lose (and obviously, for you, more to lose financially). For both of you to uproot children and force them to live together when you haven't really lived much together before, is a big step and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. Particularly children of the ages you're talking about.

I think you need to both sit down and realistically talk about where you can want your relationship and lives to be in the next 5 to 10 years.

I know you said you can’t rent the house out at the moment but is there a time point where you can change to a buy to let mortgage?
Makes sense to rent together for a year to make sure you can live together. Yes, might be more expensive BUT not as expensive as making a mistake buying a house together when you have different parenting styles etc.

Why hasn't your DP lived on his own with his DC before now? If he is living with parents then he isnt running a home and parenting like he would be with you.

I'm so sorry to be negative OP but if I were you I would stay put.

I deeply regret living with my ex but the one saving grace was that I point blank refuse to leave my family home until I knew how it would work or if it would work. I'm so glad I did that now it would have been a lot worse for me and my children if i hadn't.

Is there anyway he can stay at yours for a few nights a week as a testing ground? Sometimes with his DC too?

DP and I had this discussion a while ago as he wasn't keen to move into my house as its mine and he would have felt unsettled but I said we can't live together for the first time if I sell in a couple of years then get somewhere together.

He did move in so we can test it out. I'd never sell and buy somewhere with someone before trying living together.

Your only options are; find space for him to stay at yours a lot more, even if it isn't full time or he has to have his own place until the children are older.

The fact he lives with family etc is irrelevant and I have no idea why posters insist on picking apart details like that.

I would however be very wary with the differing parenting styles as that is guaranteed conflict right there. Especially when it involves Disney dad and a highly strung child with children who are generally better behaved and used to a routine.

@OhYeahYouSuck I mentioned him living independently to make a point, and I think it's a fair one. I mention it because running a home and parenting is very stressful. It was to bring into consideration the OPs understanding of her partners ability to manage stress, manage home finances, family household chores and parenting (he will be living with OPs DC full time so will be around children full time).

If you've never lived together, how do either of you know it's going to work? Do not get a mortgage together until you've lived together.

I'm not sure why he is still with family so long after separating from his ex. I understand why he did initially but it's been 3.5 years. Maybe it's so he can save more money that way?

I can't say too much in case outing but there is no way I can rent my house out due to mortgage so that's not an option.

I don't think he'll want to rent / buy his own place first as he seems to want us to be more of a family unit now.

Of course I'd love to live with him but I'm not happy about giving up my financial security in case it all goes wrong. I'm stuck really!

It is such more of a risk when you've got children and been through it all before already. You've already found a way of managing as a single parent and settled.
And got your kids lives as well to think of. So if it goes wrong, it's not only your life.
It's really hard OP. It does feel like a stuck situation until the children are older.

I think you need to understand why he is still with family..he should be open with his finances especially if he is proposing joining households.

If you don't want to live together yet and he does I think your vote wins.

@Unread00

I'm not sure why he is still with family so long after separating from his ex. I understand why he did initially but it's been 3.5 years. Maybe it's so he can save more money that way?

I can't say too much in case outing but there is no way I can rent my house out due to mortgage so that's not an option.

I don't think he'll want to rent / buy his own place first as he seems to want us to be more of a family unit now.

Of course I'd love to live with him but I'm not happy about giving up my financial security in case it all goes wrong. I'm stuck really!

You've never asked why he's still living with family 3.5 years on after his split? A simple and understandable question, surely? Do you find yourself not bringing up subjects in case he starts sulking?

HE wants to be a family unit - with your well- behaved DC - but there's also his 'tricky' and 'highly strung' DC who has had a different upbringing.

You aren't stuck, you are happy to continue as you are, it's your BF who is pushing for this.

You know it's not right for you, but you're afraid of saying no to him, or asking him to live alone first, basically.

His wishes do not come before yours op.. That the point of being single and independent surely? You are entitled to put you and your dc before him - whether he spits his dummy out or not...

I guess it would be a stuck situation whoever you dated and wanted to live together with. There are so many factors to consider. It's not 2 single people starting out in life, you both have other considerations. Not saying it can't be done but it's harder.
BUT his situation does seem a bit odd that he isn't wanting to trial it first with renting by himself and slowly build it up with sleepovers etc? Or discuss things without sulking? That's worrying.

You’d be mad to give up your financial security.
How do your children feel about living with this man? It’s sounds like it would be messy with your different parenting approaches.
I think he needs to put his big boy pants on and get his own house.

The more I read, the more I'm thinking no ways.

I'm sure he's quite keen to move away from family, but why should it be at your risk?

I completely get the wanting to keep the harmonious home that you have. It's how I live now and wouldnt bloody change it in a hurry.

Don't let him push you because it's what he wants and it benefits him more. If it's a deal breaker kr for him, then so be it.

I've made his DC sound terrible, that wasn't my intention at all! It's just simple things like can you get in the shower please, my two would do this straight away whereas his would point blank refuse and sulk for an hour first.

I know he moved back in with family rather than rent on his own so that he could save, although I don't think he's saved as much as he planned too.

My youngest DC loves him and would love to live with him, my oldest I don't think would be fussed either way (teenager and keeps out the way most of the time!).

I am concerned about the different styles of parenting - I would tell youngest to go bed at 8pm for example and DP would say aw let them stay up a bit later tonight. But that would happen every night, if you see what I mean.

If he doesn't want to rent or buy on his own first then I guess I have two options - stay where I am or sell my house to move in with someone me and the kids have never lived with before