How do we live together?

[Unread00]

I've been with DP for 3 years. 3 kids between us (none together). Currently live separately. DP has recently said we should start thinking about living together, and to have a look at what houses are around. My issue is:

I currently own my home (mortgage). DP lives with family after separation from his ex (pays rent). My DP can't move in with me as my house is tiny (there would literally be no room at all for him or his DC).

I wouldn't be happy to sell my house to then rent a house with him.

To me it seems silly to sell my house and buy one with him when we have never actually lived together.

DP thinks it'll be fine to just go ahead and buy together and doesn't really see what the issue is I'm having.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Would be much appreciated!

Yeah...don’t do it. It won’t end well. It’s hard enough to work it out with differing parenting styles when mum and dad are both biologically connected to the children...much, much harder when there are stepchildren/stepparents in the mix.

What’s wrong with living near to each other and maintaining your relationship and your children’s contact with each other the way it is now?

You really need to listen to your instincts on this. If he isn’t able to respect your views and your boundaries then that’s really not a good sign in the long term. Might be okay for a relationship where you each maintain your own spaces and especially where your children are afforded their own respective spaces, not that great when you’re all trapped together and finances all tangled up in a property.

Parenting styles need to be very similar imo. Imagine you sending your dc to bed while his is still up likely smirking...
You only know of his current set up from what he tells you.
Imagine living together and it's a nightmare.. Will you be too scared he will be peeved if you tell him to move out..
Sorry op but your feelings and your dc's - must be your priority here..

I don't agree with pp that he can't be a good dad if he lives with family, people tend to notale this same judgments about women going "back home" but I do think you need some test runs.
How big is your house? Does he sleep over at all when kids are there? How old are his kids?

@SleepingStandingUp My house is very small. He does sleep over at mine on the weekends that he doesn't have his DC. I don't sleep over at his very often as he does have family there.

My DC are 7 and 14

@SleepingStandingUp And his DC is 9

Our parenting styles are quite different

That’s all you need to know really. It’ll be a disaster if you try and blend your two families. Don’t do it.

I quite like the idea of it just being me and the kids until they are a bit older and off doing there own thing, even if it meant living separately for quite a while. DP thinks by now we should be more of a family unit, hence moving in together!

What DP ‘thinks’ is not more important than what is best for you and your DCs. Deep down you know what is best, you just don’t want to say no to him.
Would it benefit your DCs in any way to have to move into a house with this man and his D.C.?
Would it benefit you in any way?
Trust your instincts on this.
If he gets pissy because you say no to him, that tells you all you need to know.

Is there a way you can reorganize your house so that he and his dc can sleep over? Like if you have a separate living room dining room, you turn one into another bedroom. Or sofa bed for you in living room? Or bunk beds in one of the kid's rooms.

From not sleepovers with dc to blended family living together is a huge jump for children to cope with. Let alone the financial implications for you if it goes tits up.

Living with family support and dc isn't a true reflection of his parenting. ..
He should be more than willing to be alone with his dc for a time.

[quote Unread00]@anditgoeson The kids are 7, 9, 14.

We've had days out and the odd holiday but we've never actually had sleep overs with them at each other's houses.

Our parenting styles are quite different - he's quite laid back and for example will let his DC go to bed late whereas I have more of a routine with mine. Bed on time (normally) and all school work to be done etc. [/quote]
So how on earth is this going to work? Is he hoping you'll be the disciplinarian to his DC, so he can remain cool (CBA) dad?

The more you post, the worse it gets.

Why are you scared of him being 'peeved' at you asking him to adult and live away from his family? You have a lot to lose, as do the DC. It's only right you see how he does in his own place for a good while.

Ask yourself who gains most from jumping into buying a house together. Clue - it's not you or your DC.

There are no "shoulds" when trying to blend a family. It has to be a solution that works for everyone.

Has he ever owned a house? If not he really needs to look into this himself as he might not be aware of the costs.

The reason you have to proceed with caution is that you and your 2 dc risk more than him and his 1 dc. I assume his child has a permanent home with mum. You risk yours which is why it is different.

Secondly work out the selling, buying and moving costs of the transaction..these are costs you will face. Assume that the relationship will not work out...it might appear hard nosed but over 50% fail. How would you afford to move back into your own home?

I assume you could both get a mortgage? Has he tried to get a mortgage in principle? If not ask him to take that as a first step.
Do you agree on having a Deed of trust to record unequal shares of house ownership. Could he afford to pay larger mortgage and 50% of bills plus his CMS?

Have you factored costs of getting this completed. Do you know how you would handle Wills? What if one of you died before the other, would you agree to the house being sold so children inherit? Could you pay for additional life insurance so that you are each others beneficiary? Allow for costs to draw up Wills.

How will you parent and manage household tasks?

On the relationship side do you have effective conflict resolution, have you resolved all major disputes in the past or does stuff get swept under the carpet.

How do the children get on?

@Techway He's not tried to get a mortgage, we earn roughly the same and I have one so I don't think he'd have a problem. We just can only get very small ones separately.

The kids haven't spent huge amounts of time together really. His DC can be a little tricky sometimes, and it's quite obvious that we have different parenting styles. I don't mean that in an awful way.

@Techway And as for conflict resolution, his is to sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

Don’t do it. Non-negotiable.

Don't do it op!! Seriously!

I would stay as you are. It's been just DD and me from when she was born, and on a couple of occasions I have been close to/considered living with someone - never any other children involved either. If I had desperately wanted to do so, I would have made compromises and gone ahead but both times, I knew underneath that my reluctance meant that I was half hearted. They were the keen ones, wanting to view houses and full of future plans. If we'd been meant to be, they'd still be around (well, one of them). DD is 23 this year and I'm so relieved that I didn't introduce anyone else into our living space.

How much does he have his DC? I can see if he only has them EOW for example why he'd want to maximise time with later bedtimes and that might not be so much of an issue with you and your DC. However, if he has his DC 50% of the time that's a bit different.

Would you be able to switch your mortgage so you could rent your house out at some point in the future? Do you actually want to live together soonish or are you just exploring it because he wants to? If it's the latter, I'd just have a really honest conversation with him. He could buy his own place now and get settled even if it was small and you could combine in, say 10 years time.

When I was dating (with small child) I was always very wary of men who hadn't put their own roots down but wanted to fastrack to "settled home" via me! I'm not saying that's who your DP is but it's worth some thought.

Let him buy a small house near you.

Then no issues with parenting approaches. His tricky dc or his sulks .
Do not sell your house!

Oo a sulky man child. How appealing...

his is to sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

Very mature.

Two small separate houses sounds perfect

Yes just to be clear, both my daughters are over 21 now, and we got married this year.

his is to sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

This is something I learned through painful experience, is really important. If you can solve conflicts then there is a higher chance of success. The converse is true, weak conflict resolution predicts poor relationship outcomes.

Flashpoints are finances, parenting, especially perceived equality for children, and household workload. You need to be able to discuss these really well without defensiveness. If not then that is a warning.

Tell him to see what mortgage he can get.

Does he want you to be with you because he can't live without you OR because with you his life will be easier from a lifestyle and finance point of view.

@Windyatthebeach That did make me laugh! Yes not ideal that he sulks a little. Never for long though (not that it makes it much better!)