How do we live together?

[Unread00]

I've been with DP for 3 years. 3 kids between us (none together). Currently live separately. DP has recently said we should start thinking about living together, and to have a look at what houses are around. My issue is:

I currently own my home (mortgage). DP lives with family after separation from his ex (pays rent). My DP can't move in with me as my house is tiny (there would literally be no room at all for him or his DC).

I wouldn't be happy to sell my house to then rent a house with him.

To me it seems silly to sell my house and buy one with him when we have never actually lived together.

DP thinks it'll be fine to just go ahead and buy together and doesn't really see what the issue is I'm having.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Would be much appreciated!

[Windyatthebeach]

Being a Disney df is all well and good in his eyes. Not so much yours - and I agree. How would he be managing to nurture a relationship with you with dc up late every night for example? Is it just me who counts down to bedtime??
You allowing one rule /him another. Him the goody and you the baddy isn't a good family unit. Him sulking and you backing down?? Or keeping to your decision? Dc would be divided and resentment potential - unless you are on the same page.
My exh(Disney df) had a dd aged right between my dd's. Difficult at times.. Very. And a bought property is harder to walk away from than a 6 month rental..

[Unread00]

And yes I do think if I told him that I'm not in a position to move in together for a few more years he wouldn't be that pleased!

[Aerial2020]

If he can't wait a few years, he's not the guy for you.

[Happynow001]

@Unread00
* And yes I do think if I told him that I'm not in a position to move in together for a few more years he wouldn't be that pleased!*
I think you'll probably need to risk it and see. There's too much at stake here for you, your home, financial health and your own children who may not care now, in theory, but may feel quite differently in reality.

Frankly if your partner isn't willing to listen to you and live alone with his own child for a year, doing not just the Disney chilled Dad part, but all the grunt work as a single parent (which he's probably receiving a great deal of help from his parents and his partner before that) as well as taking on the full mental load alone with good grace/no sulking) then what future is there for you anyway?

[fluffi]

Definitely don't sell before you live together - its so hard to get on the property ladder its not worth the risk!

@Unread00 Can you stretch to paying your mortgage & bills and also the extra (but not half) of the rent/bills for you to rent a house together? E.g make up and pay the difference in rent, council tax, electric between say a X bed house that he would need for himself and children and X+Y bed house that you'd need to live together as a unit? (which would cost less for you than equally splitting all the rent & bills for a X+Y bed house)

[TwentyViginti]

I keep coming back to this thread, and your general tone still seems to be more worried about his feelings and wants, rather than yours. Why is this?

His DC sulks for an hour when asked to do something? Seems to be a theme.......

could you and your DC happily share a home with two sulkers?

Honestly OP, please put his idea firmly on the back burner.

[backseatcookers]

And as for conflict resolution, his is to sulk for a bit then not discuss it again!

This and having very different parenting styles is even more reason to trial living together before buying.

You would be mad and frankly stupid! to even consider selling your home to buy with him when you've never lived together.

If he's a good dad and responsible, kind man he will understand this and work on an alternative.

If he isn't, he isn't the kind of man you should be with as you need to put your kids first.

[londonscalling]

Now is supposedly not a good time to sell your house anyway. I've read that property prices have gone down due to coronavirus. Can you contact your bank and change your mortgage into a buy to let one? You can then rent your property out and rent somewhere separately with him. Alternatively, let him rent somewhere on his own. You can still stay together every night, but some nights at yours and some at his.

[Unread00]

@TwentyViginti Yes DP and his DC are very similar! My kids aren't particularly moody (one is a teenager so has their moments!), but my youngest especially finds it a little amusing that DP's DC strops over things. Not sure they'd find it so amusing if they lived together though.

I guess I just feel like I'll upset DC if I say no I don't want to live with you. Because I do want to live with them, I just want to find another solution that lets us trial it first before selling my house and instantly regretting it!

[AuntieDolly]

I think he wants to 'leave home' and sees you as his way out.

[PickAChew]

I don't think he'll want to rent / buy his own place first as he seems to want us to be more of a family unit now.

That should not impact on what you want. You're happy in your family unit and it would be unfair to take such a big risk. If he does rent or buy, by himself, then you have the prospect of more sleepovers and the kids getting to spend some more time getting to know each other. You at least need to take a few uk holidays, together - ones you can easily drive home from if it's all too much. You have a lot more at stake than he does.

[Windyatthebeach]

Ime family unit (with his dps) to one with you = less responsibility for his dc for him in his eyes..
Imo.

[Windyatthebeach]

Do his dc see their dm at all?

[Unread00]

@Windyatthebeach DP has his child every other weekend, a couple of nights a week for dinner, and then for a week or two during the school holidays

[Windyatthebeach]

Ime that's the reluctance to parent effectively.....
When we had exh's dd she regularly told us she didn't have to do such and such as her dm said so.. And exh wasn't being the bad guy and making her. Basic rules nothing major but no way did she fall into the same band as my dd for behaviour.. And they aren't angels!
I don't envy you op. Tough decisions ahead.

[wiltingflower]

I don't think I could move in or be in a relationship with your partner, sorry op. I think the clash on parenting styles, the sulking is too much and could signify far too many differences in healthy behaviour and values. People who sulk tend to be childish and petty in other ways as well, I wouldn't want to be with that kind of person.