Anyone else find internet dating emotionally exhausting and wonder why men would rather text forever rather than pick up the phone?

[FizzAfterSix]

I actually think internet dating is a great idea and know of many people who have found lasting happy relationships this way.
I signed up on a good site a few months ago and only got as far as reading a few of the messages as I just couldn’t face taking it any further. But a week ago I replied to 3 messages from nice sounding men.

I’m wary of endless messaging so was pleased when all 3 of them gave me their phone numbers. It nearly killed me to do it as I’m an introvert and quite shy, but I called 1 of them, left a message and he called me back. We got on well so he suggested meeting up for a walk at 10.30am (no idea why he wanted to meet so early). A lovely guy and we got on really well but he had said he was 5ft 9 but he was more like 5ft 6, so this was a deal breaker for me.

I had given the second guy my number so he sent me a few messages. Most men love to message endlessly but won’t pick up the phone so I bit the bullet, again it nearly killed me, and called him. He was wanting to schedule in a time to call, and I just think, oh pick up the phone already. Again he was a nice enough guy but wanted to schedule in a Zoom call before meeting – he said he wouldn’t meet anyone in person until the government lifted restrictions. Having gone on about how healthy he was I thought it utterly wet to wait till utterly useless Boris and Matt Hancock decide it’s possible for healthy adults to meet up. So now I’ve got to compose a polite message saying I don’t think we’re compatible and no doubt will receive a cross message in return.

I gave the third man my number and again, endless messages – even sending me a map of his latest cycling trip, and could we schedule in a Zoom call? Why can’t he just pick up the phone? The thought of scheduled telephone calls makes me feel like I’m having a job interview. I know quite a lot of people don’t like speaking on the phone and they find it very invasive and intrusive so I suppose each to their own. But we’re in our 50’s/60’s so speaking on the phone shouldn’t be a huge stretch – they are all perfectly happy to be rung but they won’t actually ring themselves.

I was once pursued by a nice-sounding friend of a friend on FB, he endlessly asked for my number and when I gave it to him, just started texting… I have no idea why he bothered switching from messaging on FB to messaging on the phone.

The first guy was great, just picked up the phone and planned a meeting but the height thing is a deal breaker, though I hope we can stay in touch as friends.

I’ve only dealt with 3 of them but already I feel wiped out and emotionally exhausted. Online dating is a full time job.

Just wanted to ruminate really and ask if anyone has had positive experiences. It’s only been a few days and already I feel like Charlotte in Sex in the City who shrieked, “I’ve been dating all my life and I’m exhausted!”

@LemonsLive I agree. One of the reasons 'Man 2' put me off over the phone, which might not have been apparent via message, was that he was banging on about finding a soul mate and asking me endless questions. It was very earnest and intense. I agree, keep it light and bright.

I tried online dating before I met DP. I’m 40 now but was early 30s then. Even though I’m of the “texting/messaging generation” I ruled out anyone who didn’t want to meet after a week of messaging.

I suspected they were just after an ego boost - look at all these women messaging me!

@TazSyd before I knew any better I spent literally weeks messaging a handsome hulk I was really taken with. But he never wanted to speak or meet and I realized he was still not over his late wife. He would message about her endlessly and even sent pictures of her and whole screen plays she had written. And then he suddenly disappeared. Some men just want pen pals. 3 messages and then it's time for a phone call or meet up!

Yes, agreed, some might just be dipping their toe in the water after a break up or bereavement. Then decide it’s too soon.

There’s no vetting process with online dating. When we were younger we just dated friends of friends, so we could reference check any potential partners.

I don’t know if you’ve tried other methods? I eventually met my DP randomly but I’d found meet up better than online dating. Particularly the hiking groups.

My friend (over 60) also met a lovely guy through a walking group ... obviously the thing to do .

Definitely not a "men" thing.

Phone calls are uncomfortable for many. I, for example, can be quite sarcastic which doesn't always translate well if you can't see my face.

We live in an age of video calling where you can at least see the other person's expressions and body language when talking to them.

I agree with you OP, if a guy cant handle a phone call then what does that say about him? Wetter than water! The majority of guys just seem to message endlessly, I can't bear the endless how are you texts, once you've covered the basics what else is there to text about? I find these fizzle out quickly for me.

I would also give Mr 5ft 6 a chance too! He sounds ok, and I say this as a 6 footer myself.

Not sure if it's a generation thing? I'd be classed as older but HATE talking on the phone. I much prefer texts, emails or messenger etc!

I totally agree that dating is emotionally exhausting, Fizz!

If talking on the phone is really important to you than yes, keep suggesting it but (maybe I'm not speaking for your generation) it doesn't really seem to be the 'etiquette' of online dating.

Yes, I'm well aware of the irony in ascribing an etiquette to a sphere where sending dick pics to all and sundry seems the height of acceptability .

I think people expect to be in touch with a number of matches at any one time until they pair off or become exclusive. Phone calls are time consuming and don't tell you that much about the person's mannerisms, whether their photos are genuine etc so that's why I think messages then date or in this climate, video call, are preferred, 'better value', so to speak. Plus a lot feel uncomfortable talking on the phone.

5'6" guy sounds nice though, not great that he added a couple of inches on but would you give him another chance?

Scheduling a call may be because they are busy working and want to arrange a time that is convenient for both of you?
I hate video calls and would be reluctant as a first meeting.
Lockdown does change things, doesn't mean they are 'wet'. Maybe it's an excuse cos they have no intention of meeting up. A lot of men message for the ego boost and have no intention of meeting.
It's a luck game in OLD and it takes a while to get used to it.
Tbh, you're coming across as quite pushy. This may put some men off.

If it was the other way around and a man was calling me 'wet' because I wasn't immediately picking up the phone, I would be wary. It's up to me who I want to call.

You’re allowed your preferences (height, attitude to coronavirus, attitude to texting), they’re allowed their’s (attitude to quarantine, attitude to calls).

If those preferences don’t overlap sufficiently, move on or re-examine your preferences.

To be honest, your preferences about height and attitude to quarantine are as least as likely to be baffling to some as preference for texting is to you.

In some cases, people prefer texting because it gives them a better chance to keep their guard up, some people also just find it easier to express themselves via writing than speaking- it’s got to do with where the visual and auditory centres of the brain overlap I think.

Equally, being happy to message and not progressing to meeting can be a sign you’re just not clicking with one another sufficiently to progress, at least not yet.

Also, it is a bit of an unusual time, people are unsettled, not sure why the new norms are.

I'm surprised that women actually refuse to date normal men that aren't tall. My best sex partner was shorter than me (oke, I am slightly taller than average) and I absolutely fancy the pants off of Peter Dinklage. Must be me then...

isthisfinallyit I would Peter Dinklage too!

Men lie about their height because of responses like yours! Height is not something that anyone can do anything about - what a ridiculous and shallow thing to judge someone on.

The boyfriend I felt most sexually attracted to - was the shortest boyfriend I had. Tall or short, you can't really predict. I think you do have to open your mind a bit, as OLD can make you overly prescriptive. OTOH you are allowed to fancy who you want - no-one wants a mercy date!

I wouldn’t personally appreciate some stranger randomly calling me before checking first if/when it suits me, I would find it disrespectful of my time and boundaries.

Regarding Mr. 5ft6, I am not heightist but if height is a criteria that is important to you, I would feel cheated if a guy purposely lies on his profile to con me into a date. I really wouldn’t see him again as he feels it’s ok to ok ignore your preferences to get you where he wants. It is also disrespectful of your time.

I have heard often people lie on their profile/pics so I would definitely go for zoom to weed these out. Granted you can’t judge height but you can see if they lied on how old their pics are etc

I hate talking on the phone. I'd be super put off by anyone who insisted they wanted phone calls.

I do believe this is a generational thing, I also have bad anxiety talking on the phone before I meet someone. After we've met I feel much more comfortable.

@AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea you can't force yourself to find a certain characteristic attractive. We are not machines. I'm a thin woman, I wouldn't feel in the least offended if a man didn't fancy me because he preferred women with a different shape. Your comment is utterly bizarre.

But your comment makes some sense if you are a short man, lol. It would be so much easier if everyone was honest on their profiles and didn't add or subtract 3 inches from the height or years off their age or whatever.

@AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea
I don’t think it’s the point though. If OP wants to open her mind on height, that’s something she can decide. If she can’t find a partner because her criteria are too restrictive, it is also for her to work out. Do you not think there is something wrong about someone lying to her knowing they are not her type (assuming she selected a certain height range) to trick her into dating him? Be it too short, older, not the right marital status, whatever her criteria are?

Why waste someone time and face face to facd rejection rather than being filtered out anonymously on a website i don’t get it.

If a guy had a certain physical preference and I’m the opposite, I’d happily elect myself out. It would be ridiculous to push it and call him shallow.

How tall are you OP? Is there a huge difference between you and Mr 5’ 6” ?