Anyone else find internet dating emotionally exhausting and wonder why men would rather text forever rather than pick up the phone?

[FizzAfterSix]

I actually think internet dating is a great idea and know of many people who have found lasting happy relationships this way.
I signed up on a good site a few months ago and only got as far as reading a few of the messages as I just couldn’t face taking it any further. But a week ago I replied to 3 messages from nice sounding men.

I’m wary of endless messaging so was pleased when all 3 of them gave me their phone numbers. It nearly killed me to do it as I’m an introvert and quite shy, but I called 1 of them, left a message and he called me back. We got on well so he suggested meeting up for a walk at 10.30am (no idea why he wanted to meet so early). A lovely guy and we got on really well but he had said he was 5ft 9 but he was more like 5ft 6, so this was a deal breaker for me.

I had given the second guy my number so he sent me a few messages. Most men love to message endlessly but won’t pick up the phone so I bit the bullet, again it nearly killed me, and called him. He was wanting to schedule in a time to call, and I just think, oh pick up the phone already. Again he was a nice enough guy but wanted to schedule in a Zoom call before meeting – he said he wouldn’t meet anyone in person until the government lifted restrictions. Having gone on about how healthy he was I thought it utterly wet to wait till utterly useless Boris and Matt Hancock decide it’s possible for healthy adults to meet up. So now I’ve got to compose a polite message saying I don’t think we’re compatible and no doubt will receive a cross message in return.

I gave the third man my number and again, endless messages – even sending me a map of his latest cycling trip, and could we schedule in a Zoom call? Why can’t he just pick up the phone? The thought of scheduled telephone calls makes me feel like I’m having a job interview. I know quite a lot of people don’t like speaking on the phone and they find it very invasive and intrusive so I suppose each to their own. But we’re in our 50’s/60’s so speaking on the phone shouldn’t be a huge stretch – they are all perfectly happy to be rung but they won’t actually ring themselves.

I was once pursued by a nice-sounding friend of a friend on FB, he endlessly asked for my number and when I gave it to him, just started texting… I have no idea why he bothered switching from messaging on FB to messaging on the phone.

The first guy was great, just picked up the phone and planned a meeting but the height thing is a deal breaker, though I hope we can stay in touch as friends.

I’ve only dealt with 3 of them but already I feel wiped out and emotionally exhausted. Online dating is a full time job.

Just wanted to ruminate really and ask if anyone has had positive experiences. It’s only been a few days and already I feel like Charlotte in Sex in the City who shrieked, “I’ve been dating all my life and I’m exhausted!”

I hate phone calls, they make me anxious and put on the spot. I think lots of people feel that way?

I know it is exhusting, all those message and does he like me/does he not.
I think some people are nervous of phone calls incase it's akward and don't know what to say on the spot. Personally I'd rather phone call than zoom/video though because if it goes badly it's easier to end a phone call.
Hopefully the right person will have the same views as you op.

I hate talking on the phone, a fair few people are like that. I would always message a few times and then arrange a date. Never spoke to them on the phone until we were actually dating

If someone I just gave my number to started randomly calling me I’d think they were an utter weirdo.
Also I don’t know why your expecting them to just pick up whenever it suits you. They could be busy and can’t talk until later.

The one that said he wouldn’t meet was just being sensible too... how do you know he isn’t looking after someone that’s vulnerable?

The first guy was great, just picked up the phone and planned a meeting but the height thing is a deal breaker, though I hope we can stay in touch as friends.

I might rethink this.

I work in sales so spend most of my working life on the phone, but I'd not be keen on a phone call before at least a few messages. Each to their own I guess!

@BluebellForest836 How peculiar. If I give someone my number I'm happy for them to call. If I don't want them to call, I don't give them my number.
And I'm not expecting anyone to pick up `whenever it suits' me. I don't know if you have a telephone, but when I ring a friend or they ring me, if one of us can't/doesn't want to speak right then, you leave a message and they call back - I know, crazily spontaneous!

And he wasn't being sensible, he was being wet. Entirely his prerogative of course, but my profile made it very clear I wasn't interested in meeting lockdown bedwetters. Though I didn't phrase it quite so bluntly.

I'm amazed that people are often happy to exchange messages with someone they've never met practically indefinitely but find the thought of actually speaking to them on the phone a step too far.

He also lived on his own and spent some time telling me how healthy he is, so not in a vulnerable group or shielding anybody. In these cases I would understand that he wanted to be careful.

I have just started talking to someone on OLD. We did two weeks of messaging, photos and voice messaging. Next was a zoom call. It was fun. Because of time difference he was drinking at night and i had just woken up. We both agreed that actually talking means you cover much more personal ground. But i really hadn't been ready before that.

Now roll on travel restrictions being lifted so he can get back here..

In non covid days, we would have met after a few days though. Texting does have its place and i am enjoying the slow build. Patience can be a virtue, but pics and zoom give you many of the clues you need.

I would rethink height as well btw. My last boyf was 5'6" and i usually go for over 6'. It didn't matter at all

Mr 5ft6 might be the one. Don't rule him out.

It’s probably a generation thing considering you are in the older generation which is probably why you see a telephone as a device that you call on if you have someone’s number and not for also messaging amongst other things.

Maybe they have moved on from the dark ages and understand that messaging for a few days prior is normalised now.

I agree with you, maybe it is our generation? I grew up talking to people, getting phone calls on the landline (even had a shared party line in those days ). I just don't understand the fixation with texting or communicating via 'social media' ( except Mumsnet of course).

Not just regarding dating, you read endless threads on here about miscommunication via texts, FB etc .... I don't understand what's so hard about picking up the phone.

Once I had a passive aggressive message via text, I immediately phoned (not from a mobile so they couldn't see my number) and the other person backed down and apologised. I would never use texting for important or sensitive messages ... but plenty of people seem to .

@BluebellForest836 I have no problem with a few messages but have no wish to message for weeks and weeks without either meeting or speaking to a person. I'm looking for a boyfriend not a pen pal. Sorry if that sounds crazy and old fashioned.

If a man finds the thought of picking up the phone too terrifying, I doubt we'd have much in common - I'm looking for a bloke with a bit of oomph. And as for scheduling calls... that sounds too grim for words.

It's only picking up the phone, not arriving at someone's house with a suitcase, lol!

I dated off and on for years and think I had one actual phone call in that time.

Even with DH: message, meet.

I rarely speak on the phone. Even in lockdown it’s video calls, not phone calls.

@Ragwort - yes, it's a generational thing, but as I'm only looking for someone my age or older you'd think they'd feel the same.
But I suppose phoning is more of a female activity - not too many men ring each other for a chat like we do.

I'm glad I did pick up the phone with `Man 2' as he was going to whatsapp me to death. As it was, we had a nice chat and I realized from that we weren't a match. It's saved weeks of texting/messaging/whatsapping.

But sadly he just whatsapped me and now wants take things to the next level' and schedule a Zoom date' so now I am composing a polite message bringing things to a close. I know it will elicit an irritated/petulant response back and I have no wish to cause any offence. It's all using up a lot of emotional energy.

Mr 5" 6 did everything perfectly (well, perfectly for me) so maybe I should revisit my heightist prejudices.

I guess the `arranging a date' modus operandi is as good a way as any of weeding out those that are not compatible.

I worry about Zoom dates as you can't see the full person or their nuances... also having to put one's face on and do one's hair. But I suppose you'd have to do all that for an `in the flesh' meeting.

I must confess I enjoy writing about OLD far more than actually doing any of it.

Text messages are lazy communication IMO.

It creates false familiarity as well, with zero effort on the man's part.

Also, some people are good at texting i.e. GLIB! It doesn't give you any insight into the true measure of a person.

IMO texts are only good really to arrange the first few meet ups. Even then, a phone call is better as sometimes things get mixed up (I accidentally stood someone up once as they didn't get my text :-()

Finally, isn't it just boring and vacuous activity, pointlessly texts to strangers ...?

Whats wrong with people?

Op, I’m with you on this. A few messages at the start is fine but after a week or so, why not ring and say hi?

Is it because they are not confident at “live” conversation and need to think and rethink and edit messages before they send them?

Maybe the zoom is being used as the first date given the unusual circumstances we find ourselves in - you have to schedule a first date hence scheduling a first zoom?

I don't know @Mintjulia, I guess because ringing someone seems more intimate and makes them feel uncomfortable. But somebody has to break the ice!
What I really don't want is someone whatsapping me their cycling itinerary and then complaining when I haven't responded quickly enough and can we schedule in the dreaded Zoom call etc etc, cont. page 94.

@Thisismyusernamefornow I honestly think if a man is too scared to meet up for a quick walk in the park or a takeaway coffee he won't be compatible. I do understand there are special circs for some, but we can't stay lockdowned forever. Is dating along with every other social interaction to be banned until a vaccine is found?

I think the reason for the zoom calls is to check you look like you do in your photos.

I believe people are notorious for posting photos of themselves in their prime, on online dating sites. Even if prime was 20 years ago .

I have friends who have met up with men who look nothing like their photos. They frequently lie about their age too.

I understand speaking on the phone might seem "intimate". I think for that reason its best to keep it short and casual, talk about the weather etc. It really is best to meet up soon though, almost the sooner the better. Some nice or interesting messages back and forth might be helpful before making arrangements to meet. But jeez answering "Howz your day?" by text, I'd rather iron my sheets on synthetic setting.

Yes, I see that @TazSyd but chatting by Zoom you can't check someone's figure or crucially, how tall they are. And men always seem to lie about their height. It's depressing.

Some nice or interesting messages back and forth - by that I mean complete sentences online. Much more pleasant and formal.