Is this normal after being cheated on?

[Constantlysad]

My husband had an affair lasting 2 months and I found out 6 months ago. It took a hell of a lot for me to stay.. I initially left to stay with my parents but I came home eventually after a lot of persuasion. He has said and done literally everything he possibly could to make things right. He’s begged, pleaded, given passwords to his phone, couples counselling, constantly telling me he can’t live without me etc. I just do not seem to be able to forget what he’s done. I’m suffering with night terrors where I’m dreaming of him killing me/leaving me. This is almost every night and I’m waking up screaming and sobbing. I think about what he’s done upwards of 50 times a day. I’m totally done in. I must add that I do absolutely love him but I don’t know if I love what I thought we had and the person I thought he was. I hate the thought of not being together but I also hate the thought of living like this forever.

Am I ever going to get over this? Will more time help?

I am hoping there’s someone out there that has been through this, knows how I feel and could advise me on what I can do to help myself get over this? He says he can not be without me. I went to stay at my parents at the weekend as I was overwhelmed with sadness.. he messaged the whole time saying he misses me and can’t live without me.

Sorry this is so long.. can anyone relate? Advise? Or tell me how to just forget about what’s happened. It’s so draining.

Just to add quickly that we have no children together (I have two teenagers who don’t know what’s happened) and we are tied financially with a 5 year fixed mortgage.

[Seaside1234]

2.5 years later for me. I'm still not fixed. It doesn't help that he hasn't kept up the promises he made in marriage counselling. Finding out was the worst thing that has happened to me in my life, and my experience was that you do have a PTSD-like reaction. I've given myself over 2 years, and I still don't trust him - I also sometimes thought before lockdown that he might be at it again, so I've ended up snooping on his phone, which I hate myself for becoming that person. As a pp says, presumably he might have learnt to hide it better, so I still don't know. I think at the end of the day I'll never trust him again. Our relationship wasn't in a great place when it happened, but instead of reaching out to me he shagged someone else. You didn't do that, and you are not responsible for his behaviour. Huge, huge virtual hugs OP. It's a horrific thing to go through, whatever you choose.

[Constantlysad]

I did think maybe I was showing some signs of PTSD but I’m not sure. I totally agree with everything everyone is saying.. there’s no way you can love someone if you do what he’s done. I do just need to pluck up the courage to take my children and leave. In 6 months it has gotten easier but it’s on my mind all the time and I can’t carry on like this. Thank you all for your replies.

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

I can answer from the other side. When I was 20 with 2 DC, I cheated on my DH with his friend. Awful I know. I’m not going to try and justify it or give my reasons. But I did love DH, it just all became separated for me.

When he found out it was horrible, awful. I saw the raw pain I caused him and wanted to do anything to make it better. I gave him my phone, didn’t have one for a year and I also stopped going out. We went to counselling but he hated it so we stopped.

We stayed together for 7 more years after and he was definately affected. I think I broke his trust forever and it also carried on into his subsequent relationships.

It was me who ended the relationship, not solely due to the affair but I have to admit it was a relief not to have to live with the guilt anymore and to finally put it behind me.

I am writing this because other posters have said he doesn’t love you if he can cheat and I don’t think that’s correct for some people. I certainly loved my DH and I also never ever did it again to him.

[DisneyMillie]

An year on for me and I’m still having ptsd episodes where I just want to die but it’s getting better. I’d recommend talking to a doctor and considering anti depressants - they’ve helped me and I was very anti the idea.

I’m not even worried he’ll do it again but I’m not sure how I’ll ever stop obsessing about her / what they did / the betrayal.

Sorry - that’s not helpful - but it’s the realistic truth I think.

[Theoscargoesto]

I don’t envy you. My h had the affair and he left, so I haven’t been in your shoes. My guess is that time helps one accommodate what’s happened, that your own therapy may help you decide what YOU want, and also help to give you the strength to do what’s right for you.

Just one thing, about some friends of our family. The DF had an affair many many years ago, the DM feared losing him/the life she had. They stayed together. She has never forgiven him, and they both live miserable lives too scared and now too old to change things. Please don’t do that. It’s such a waste of 2 lives. I didn’t have the choice when my H left and I have a happier, better life now than then. I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to choose it at the time, so give yourself time and space to make the best decision you can for you

[ravenmum]

Am I ever going to get over this? Will more time help?
I didn't stay with my exh, and it took me years to get to a position where I no longer hate him for what he did. So time helped for me, but only in combination with not being with him.
If he had otherwise been a great guy, and it had just been the affair, I could even imagine getting back together with him now, as we got on fine in many ways. But only because we have been apart so long and I have been able to get my head together again.

Maybe if you broke up now, and were split up a year or two, you could reconsider it then? But I have to say that he sounds quite manipulative... Part of the reason I would not actually consider returning to my ex is that the distance, time, and comparison with other partners showed me what else I was missing out on apart from fidelity.

[Thewookiemustgo]

So sorry OP. I know first hand how utterly terrible the pain is. It attacks on many levels and causes great damage. Apologies for the essay, maybe it will help to know about somebody else’s decision making after a starring role in the munted shitshow from hell.

I have given my husband a second chance because we had a great marriage for many, many years (36) and he has been totally committed to putting things right again. To throw away what we had for the fantasy island crap he had with the OW would devastate our teenage children, me and him and be a waste of four lives. The OW cared nothing for hurting me and our kids, she had none so wouldn’t have a clue about what she could potentially cause, she just wanted my husband. The blame is all his, however, whether it takes two to tango or not. Her weakness in believing his tripe and letting him shag her in hotels every week shows how many issues she had and I feel sorry for her in a way. Would never forgive her but she allowed herself to be used for sex and believed all a man nearly 20 years her senior told her without question and that’s something she has to deal with about herself. I read a quote “Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love” and whilst not always true, this was very true in their case. He would say anything to keep the shagfest coming and she desperately wanted him to love her so the dysfunctional crap fed off itself until exposed to daylight. I am in no way, however, underestimating or trying to understand their shitty behaviour. He was an absolute fucking idiot and has hurt me to the core of my being.

My ramblings are to try to show you that only you can know whether you can give him a second chance. I am only giving my husband a final chance because despite all you read here I’ve been with him for 36 years, and only one of them and even then in retrospect, was shit. Then he was an arse of galactic proportions.
Trust will take a long, long time to get back. The only reason it could carry on was because he had my total trust and I would have bet my house on him not having an affair. I still have no idea now, 13 months after discovery, why the penny finally dropped for me. I felt like a complete idiot for not seeing it before and trusting someone so blindly.

All relationships are different, I know many people on MN will think I’m a still a complete idiot for staying and I respect that opinion completely. Hopefully time will tell that the second and only chance he has won’t be wasted. Any other crap and he’s fucking toast. Only you can know whether your husband deserves his second chance or is worth it.

Only you know him well enough to know whether what he is showing is genuine contrition or emotional blackmail. My husband has shocked himself to the point of ruining his mental health and his career over what he did. He couldn’t even recognise himself. He still hates himself for what he did and wishes he’d never even met the woman he obsessed over for over a year. He can’t believe what a stupid, hateful twat he’s been.
No, they weren’t thinking about us when they were screwing their mistresses. They were living in their selfish, entitled little bubble where they could reinvent themselves and give themselves permission to do whatever they liked. She apparently
asked him once if she was “just his midlife crisis”. Yes, she was. And that is still NO excuse. I’ve had chances to prove “I still got it” but the difference between him and me is that I turned them down. I’m no saint but I live honestly and with integrity. He has a second chance because he’s no serial cheater, he loves me and has had the biggest kick up the arse life could hand him about how precious his life with me and our children actually is. He made a series of terrible, terrible choices and only when exposed to reality did the exciting become shameful and sordid.

One more dick led decision and he knows where the door is.

Trust your gut. If he’s worth it, then try. It’s murder, but there it is. If he isn’t or you can’t get past it, then go. Don’t make decisions if the pain is deciding for you. The bitch of it is that you’ll hurt whether you stay or go, so make sure whatever you decide is absolutely right for you. He abdicated his choices and forfeited the right to use how he feels to make you stay. Only you can know if he’s genuinely contrite. Best of luck and I sincerely hope that you make the right decision for you. Don’t let anyone judge you for staying or going. They’re not you, they don’t know what you know or how you feel. Even as a complete stranger my heart totally goes out to you. This stuff is the absolute pits.