Is this normal after being cheated on?

[Constantlysad]

My husband had an affair lasting 2 months and I found out 6 months ago. It took a hell of a lot for me to stay.. I initially left to stay with my parents but I came home eventually after a lot of persuasion. He has said and done literally everything he possibly could to make things right. He’s begged, pleaded, given passwords to his phone, couples counselling, constantly telling me he can’t live without me etc. I just do not seem to be able to forget what he’s done. I’m suffering with night terrors where I’m dreaming of him killing me/leaving me. This is almost every night and I’m waking up screaming and sobbing. I think about what he’s done upwards of 50 times a day. I’m totally done in. I must add that I do absolutely love him but I don’t know if I love what I thought we had and the person I thought he was. I hate the thought of not being together but I also hate the thought of living like this forever.

Am I ever going to get over this? Will more time help?

I am hoping there’s someone out there that has been through this, knows how I feel and could advise me on what I can do to help myself get over this? He says he can not be without me. I went to stay at my parents at the weekend as I was overwhelmed with sadness.. he messaged the whole time saying he misses me and can’t live without me.

Sorry this is so long.. can anyone relate? Advise? Or tell me how to just forget about what’s happened. It’s so draining.

Just to add quickly that we have no children together (I have two teenagers who don’t know what’s happened) and we are tied financially with a 5 year fixed mortgage.

[Littlemissp33]

My ex did this to me it went on for over a year possibly even 2 and I found out through reading emails and texts when I had just literally had my youngest son. I stayed and it ate away at me every day. He made it out to be my fault and blamed me for not giving him enough attention. We lasted a few years after that when he became controlling over me and accusing me of doing things and not letting me out of the house. I know this situation is different as you say he’s not blaming you but I don’t think you ever get over it. The trust is gone. I personally would never go back if this was done to me again but if you do stay I hope you can start to feel better. Xx

[NoMoreDickheads]

I know things were bad in our relationship when he was cheating and I do take responsibility for my part in that.

I wouldn't recommend that. He didn't have to do it and it's not your fault. And why would you feel sorry for him? I suggest getting angry.

It sounds like the situation has understandably got you down. Have you tried having a word with your GP? If you've tried anti-depressants in the past then it's worth talking to them again and explaining how're you're doing now. They could try a different dose, and there are dozens of different things they can try. I would suggest it, and keep working with them.

Getting treatment for your perfectly reasonable low mood could make you feel more able to consider a wider range of options.

I've had EMDR for some things and if painful memories keep replaying, or you experience issues stemming from them, then I'd recommend. Some people have had it for 'D-Day' (discovery of an affair.) They describe the experience of discovering an affair and the surrounding time as giving them PTSD-like symptoms or PTSD.

This is a lovely forum about affair recovery BTW community.affairhealing.com/ It's quite low traffic but the people on there are really nice.

[FlamedToACrisp]

My DH put his hand up someone's skirt. In front of me, so I know that's all, but it was enough. My love for him disappeared instantly, although I have no doubt he only had sex with me throughout our marriage (he's just a tosser). I took my marriage vows seriously and tried really hard to forgive him and move on, but I just spent 3 years crying and then we split up anyway.

But if you still love him, it's worth trying again.

Does he wear a wedding ring? Do you know why he was unfaithful?

[FlamedToACrisp]

Tell him to STOP saying he 'can't live without you' - right now. That is a veiled threat to commit suicide, and a nasty, blackmailing thing to say.

[Nousernamehistory]

Honestly, life is too short to spend it with someone who could treat you so terribly..
He'll know what it takes to get you to stay the next time he messes up

[CallMeOnMyCell]

It took me a year to get over the initial shock and upset and another year to start to feel better about it all. It’s now 7 years later and I still don’t trust him and had my suspicions again just before lockdown started.
Looking back I should have just left him and wish I had as life is more complicated now we have a child.

[MsDogLady]

I am sorry for your pain, OP.

Relationship counselors estimate that it can take the injured partner 2-5 years to regain trust after infidelity. Of course, some never do and some don’t try.

Affair Recovery requires the cheater to respect the betrayed partner’s need for space and time, without exerting pressure. Your H is manipulating you with his constant calls and “I can’t live without you.” This is selfish and controlling behavior. Don’t overlook this red flag.

Has he worked on himself? He felt entitled to pursue illicit sex/ego boosts and to make a mockery of you. He needs to dig deep in individual counseling to examine his selfishness, weak boundaries, and poor coping strategies that enabled him to lie and cheat. If these character flaws haven’t been addressed, they still exist.

Do you know the full story? You cannot move forward until you know what you’re forgiving. His affair would have been longer than 2 months, as there was a period of flirtation and connection before it became physical. He also needs to come clean regarding what he told OW about you and your relationship.

You are not responsible for his infidelity. His unethical decisions were not due to anything you did or didn’t do. If he had issues, he had an array of ethical options to use to deal with them.

In your shoes I would continue your counseling as you navigate these waters. You are still experiencing much trauma.

Remember that you can change your mind about staying. Personally, I would end my marriage, as I would have lost all trust and respect.

[Xandrats]

Am I ever going to get over this? Will more time help?

No and no sorry.
You can think about it less over time but it will always have a way of coming between you. You just have to get used to the new normal of it being a "thing" it won't ever be gone.

So stay and accept it will always be there or move on. Up to you. I'd give anything to have had that advice 20 years ago.....

[Monty27]

My exdh did that. I was straight to the courts for a divorce. DC's were 2 and 4.
We're all different.
Take your time. It's horrendous.

[Shoxfordian]

Its ok if you can't forgive him, he broke your trust
Don't get back with him just because he's apologised

[madcatladyforever]

I used to get bad dreams and night terrors when I was married to my first husband. I had forgotten all about until I read your post and it brought it all back from 30 years ago. My first husband was deeply abusive. It was my subconscious telling me to get the he'll out of there. I did get out of there and the dreams stopted.
Get the he'll out of there. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you. It knows what you don't see.
I guarantee if you leave your life will be better. There is something very wrong here.

[minmooch]

If there is any chance to save this marriage then your dh needs to move out. He needs to give you time and space to breath without all this emotional pressure from him. He needs to earn your trust and respect gently. If he is serious about saving your marriage then he should be willing to give you some space. It is his actions that have got you to this place.

Personally I'd not forgive the cheating and it would be over for me. However if I tried to stay I think all this I can't live without you business would soon piss me off as much as his cheating.

Ask him to move out. Give yourself time and space to recover. Without his constant emotional pressure you will soon see if you can get past this.

But you do not have to forgive him. It is your choice. He is trying to bully you into forgiving him.

[Yeahnahmum]

Let the penny drop op. If you hadn't found out, you would still be in the dark now.

It wasn't an oops , 1 time kinda thing. It was 2 full months of him cheating on you and everything you guys ever stood for.

All gone now

So stop torturing yourself and let him go. Let yourself fall to pieces and set yourself back together.

[user1481840227]

It would be over for me.
I think at the very least you need some space from him and for him to move out.

If he really and truly genuinely loved you IN THE RIGHT WAY then he wouldn't have done this, but he would also HATE that you were still feeling like this and wouldn't be so selfish to try to make you stay for him and would want you to figure out what you want.

Ignore all the constant messaging saying he can't live without you and so on, that's not loving you in the right way, that's not showing basic respect and care for your wellbeing. It's selfish.

[copycopypaste]

I was a mess for three years after I found out about his affair, yes, I stayed with my dh for 3 whole years. It was horrendous, I tried to work through it, it did get easier but I found myself still being obsessed with the ow. I didn't trust him, I'd snoop, I'd think about it daily, it was awful. I didn't want to fail, I wanted us to work.

The relief I felt when I left him was immense. I think I'd put so much into it, I'd made myself miserable and lost 'me' leaving him was a god send and the best thing I ever did.

[flamingochill]

My ex left me but it was a year before I had days where I didn't think about his affair (it was 6 months long) It happened 8 years ago and I am occasionally reminded as we have kids so he crops up in conversation but it's not like the overwhelming sadness stage at the beginning where I physically and emotionally melted into goo.

If you can't hack it any more, I'd understand. It's much easier to move on without him than with him.

[endchauvinism]

I think it's better to drop him. Of course that's ultimately up to you. But two months of cheating is very different than having a one time thing--which is also bad.

I have a male co-worker who always seemed nice, mature and responsible. He revealed to me recently that he cheated on his wife of 25 years and when I asked if it was the first time, he said it wasn't.

He feels super guilty about, and probably felt guilty the other time(s?) he did it. But that guilt wasn't enough to stop them apparently.

[supercatlady]

Could it be possible you have PTSD?
Maybe consider EMDR or similar, or you may find it doesn’t go away even if you do decide to leave.

[Needhelp101]

I second the suggestion of reading Chumplady. That'll open your eyes.

Just leave, seriously. These kind of selfish men don't change.

[vixxo]

Well to be honest OP, I don't think it will ever be the same again. It's really true what they say, once the trust is gone you just see them in a different light.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

He says he can not be without me. I went to stay at my parents at the weekend as I was overwhelmed with sadness.. he messaged the whole time saying he misses me and can’t live without me

Wasn't thinking about that when he was sticking it in someone else though was he, and would have carried on doing so if you hadn't found out.

To bombard you with these messages is also incredibly selfish and emotionaly abusive imo. You are not responsible for the concequences of his actions.

There are loyal people out there, but sadly this manipulative prick isn't one of them. You only have one life, don't waste it being anxious and miserable.
.

[WoollyMammouth]

You are allowed to change your mind, it’s ok.

Him texting you constantly is not ok. He can’t live without you, it’s all about him. Me me me. He isn’t giving you any time or space to consider anything, it’s very selfish. Tell him to stop contacting you.

You have every right to take as much time as you need to think things over. Any decision you make is yours only.

[Mum45678]

My ex moved back in briefly after he cheated, in the guise of working things out for the sake of our children. It didn't work because shock horror, he was still cheating. Then he left for good anyway. I was desperate to fix things but now I'm divorced I realised how much we are better off without him. The marriage I thought I had was gone the moment I found out about the cheating. It's no fun playing marriage police and constantly wondering what he is doing.

You don't have kids, so run and don't look back. 18 months on it is still really painful but for me, the hardest bit was always dealing with how much it has affected and still affects our kids. I also got the utter shit sandwich of having to deal with all that because he wasn't really around after that.

You did nothing wrong, it was never your fault he cheated. My ex tried to blame me for his behaviour and it utterly tore me apart at first. Chump Lady absolutely saved me from that BS.

[Chocolate123]

Regardless of how your marriage was it's not your fault he cheated. Of course he's lovely now because he knows he's been caught and knows what he can loose. What happens next time? If he didn't get caught it would probably be still going on. I personally would rather struggle financially and live a peaceful life instead of the way things are now. What would you tell a friend in this situation?

[Seesaw9]

All men are lovely once caught. He wasn’t thinking about how he couldn’t live without you when he was shagging someone else was he? Funny how only being caught makes him realise.

If you feel like this move on. You don’t have kids with him and a mortgage together really isn’t a good reason to stay.

Love isn’t enough. He didn’t have love for you when conducting an affair.

It would probably still be going on had he not been caught.

To be honest I would have more respect for someone if they admitted that they did it because they were unhappy and they then moved out rather than all this wailing and crying.