So sorry OP. I know first hand how utterly terrible the pain is. It attacks on many levels and causes great damage. Apologies for the essay, maybe it will help to know about somebody else’s decision making after a starring role in the munted shitshow from hell.
I have given my husband a second chance because we had a great marriage for many, many years (36) and he has been totally committed to putting things right again. To throw away what we had for the fantasy island crap he had with the OW would devastate our teenage children, me and him and be a waste of four lives. The OW cared nothing for hurting me and our kids, she had none so wouldn’t have a clue about what she could potentially cause, she just wanted my husband. The blame is all his, however, whether it takes two to tango or not. Her weakness in believing his tripe and letting him shag her in hotels every week shows how many issues she had and I feel sorry for her in a way. Would never forgive her but she allowed herself to be used for sex and believed all a man nearly 20 years her senior told her without question and that’s something she has to deal with about herself. I read a quote “Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love” and whilst not always true, this was very true in their case. He would say anything to keep the shagfest coming and she desperately wanted him to love her so the dysfunctional crap fed off itself until exposed to daylight. I am in no way, however, underestimating or trying to understand their shitty behaviour. He was an absolute fucking idiot and has hurt me to the core of my being.
My ramblings are to try to show you that only you can know whether you can give him a second chance. I am only giving my husband a final chance because despite all you read here I’ve been with him for 36 years, and only one of them and even then in retrospect, was shit. Then he was an arse of galactic proportions.
Trust will take a long, long time to get back. The only reason it could carry on was because he had my total trust and I would have bet my house on him not having an affair. I still have no idea now, 13 months after discovery, why the penny finally dropped for me. I felt like a complete idiot for not seeing it before and trusting someone so blindly.
All relationships are different, I know many people on MN will think I’m a still a complete idiot for staying and I respect that opinion completely. Hopefully time will tell that the second and only chance he has won’t be wasted. Any other crap and he’s fucking toast. Only you can know whether your husband deserves his second chance or is worth it.
Only you know him well enough to know whether what he is showing is genuine contrition or emotional blackmail. My husband has shocked himself to the point of ruining his mental health and his career over what he did. He couldn’t even recognise himself. He still hates himself for what he did and wishes he’d never even met the woman he obsessed over for over a year. He can’t believe what a stupid, hateful twat he’s been.
No, they weren’t thinking about us when they were screwing their mistresses. They were living in their selfish, entitled little bubble where they could reinvent themselves and give themselves permission to do whatever they liked. She apparently
asked him once if she was “just his midlife crisis”. Yes, she was. And that is still NO excuse. I’ve had chances to prove “I still got it” but the difference between him and me is that I turned them down. I’m no saint but I live honestly and with integrity. He has a second chance because he’s no serial cheater, he loves me and has had the biggest kick up the arse life could hand him about how precious his life with me and our children actually is. He made a series of terrible, terrible choices and only when exposed to reality did the exciting become shameful and sordid.
One more dick led decision and he knows where the door is.
Trust your gut. If he’s worth it, then try. It’s murder, but there it is. If he isn’t or you can’t get past it, then go. Don’t make decisions if the pain is deciding for you. The bitch of it is that you’ll hurt whether you stay or go, so make sure whatever you decide is absolutely right for you. He abdicated his choices and forfeited the right to use how he feels to make you stay. Only you can know if he’s genuinely contrite. Best of luck and I sincerely hope that you make the right decision for you. Don’t let anyone judge you for staying or going. They’re not you, they don’t know what you know or how you feel. Even as a complete stranger my heart totally goes out to you. This stuff is the absolute pits.