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Original poster

I miss him. Talk me out of replying

58 replies

LostandLockeddown · 09/06/2020 19:55

I was with my ex for 18 months ish. We met online. It took a while to get together properly and then it was just lovely and honest for about 6 months until Xmas.

We're in late 40s/50s. But then he ended it a couple of weeks into lockdown.

He said we're too different. There are things that don't sit right with him. But now, 2 months later, he's still texting to say he misses talking to me and he is thinking about me.

I haven't replied. But his latest messages have set me back. I love him. I want him back but I know I shouldn't. I'm so sad.

I feel awful ignoring him. Help. 😢

OP posts:
Mrsmorton · 09/06/2020 19:57

Can you bring yourself to block him? Flowers sorry OP. It's shit.

backseatcookers · 09/06/2020 20:00

Block.

Block block block.

The second you reply and he doesn't reply back or doesn't reply back the way you want, you undo any of the work you've done to move on and will still to go through all the inevitable heartbreak steps - just from the start again.

Chin up, it's worth it. You must block if you're finding it this tempting - no good can come of continuing contact!

Bannerwag66 · 09/06/2020 20:01

Nope, he is probably bored as not been out meeting people.

backseatcookers · 09/06/2020 20:02

Nope, he is probably bored as not been out meeting people.

Also this. Don't let him use you as filler.

The only positive step you can take to protect yourself is to block him.

TwentyViginti · 09/06/2020 20:02

Keeping you on the backburner in case nothing better comes along.

Crystalspider · 09/06/2020 20:03

How do you feel about the indifferences? is there a way to solve?
If you do decide to start again make it clear it's the only and final chance, you don't need someone that's always going to end it instead of working things through.
If you really don't want to, don't go back out of pity.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 20:03

Talk you into not replying...

He's a headfuck.

He messed you around

He played with your emotions

He maybe found something he thought was new and shiny , it didn't work out and now he's back..

He couldn't love you or he wouldn't risk losing you like that .

He's bored and that's why he's contacting you

You deserve better

FizzyPink · 09/06/2020 20:05

Honestly block. I’ve been in this situation a few times in the last few years and when they come back nothing good ever comes of it and you end up right back in square one a few weeks later.
I know how difficult it is and if you’d have told me to do it at the time I’d have come up with a million reasons not to but honestly it’s the only way.
The most recent time it happened I ended up eventually blocking him on WhatsApp so he then ended up messaging me on Instagram until I blocked him on there at which point he switched to LinkedIn Hmm

Original poster
LostandLockeddown · 09/06/2020 20:21

@Crystalspider the difference he mentioned seemed superficial to me. I know he has deeper issues with emotional connection. I don't for a moment think he's a player or has been looki g elsewhere. 8ts about what's in his own head. I can't solve it. He has to want to. But I don't have any idea from these messages whether that's remotely a possibility.

It hurts so much. I want him to be OK. I don't want to be cruel and ignore him.

OP posts:
Susanna85 · 09/06/2020 20:23

He's bored. Or it didn't work out with the person he had his eyes on.

What's the point of going around in circles. Don't reply.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 20:25

Serious question... You were together 18 months but only six months were good? Why was that?

Oly4 · 09/06/2020 20:26

Ignore him for your own sanity.
Because if you text him back and he doesn’t reply ... you will feel utterly awful and back to square one.
And he’s very likely to do that to you.
Ignore him. You deserve better.

DoingMyOwnThing · 09/06/2020 20:31

I'm confused about the 6 months of the 18 months together were good - what about the rest of the time?

SO he ended in March? Does he suffer depression?

He might just struggle with relationships? People do have doubts you know and he said so, but misses you. Did he ever ghost or cheat or was he nasty? How did he make you feel when you were together?

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/06/2020 20:32

"Ah you miss me. Bless. Do you know why you miss me? Cos you fucking dumped me! You made the choice to be in the situation where you can miss me, not me. So miss away!"

Then block. He didn't worry about being cruel when he dumped you for no good reason. And ignoring the man who dumped you is NOT cruel - it's normal and respecting yourself. Don't use not wanting to be 'cruel' as an excuse to yourself to contact. Accept you want to to feel better and because you miss him - not because you're a moral person.

Why was only a third of the relationship good? That's mean two thirds of what should be the honeymoon period were not good.

Fuck. That.

Raella50 · 09/06/2020 20:36

Basically he has his head turned and thought he stood a chance with someone else. That’s when he dumped you. That hasn’t worked out/ is dwindling off and he’s keeping you on the back burner in case he needs you back for a bit. He will do the same if someone else comes along. If he loved and respected you he would not treat you like that.

Original poster
LostandLockeddown · 09/06/2020 20:40

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 took six months to work out that we were in a relationship. He's a commitment phobe. The last 6 months have just unravelled with one circumstance after another. We live an hour apart. Both have kids. Life hasn't synched up easily but mostly, if i'm honest, I think we got v close and he freaked out and backed off. He's looked for reasons it can't work and is now perhaps questioning it.
.

OP posts:
kgal3542 · 09/06/2020 20:42

@ Lostandlockeddown
Don't reply. It's not easy, but as backseatcookers said, if you reply now, you undo everything you have done to move on.
He dumped you.
Be classy and ignore. You don't have to block him if you want to read his pathetic, pleading messages, just don't reply.

Original poster
LostandLockeddown · 09/06/2020 20:45

@DoingMyOwnThing no, he didn't cheat or ghost but often said he struggled with feeling good enough and with relationships. Yes all those childhood issues. I understand it all which makes it harder to walk away from because he isn't horrible. He's lovely and funny and sweet but mixed up and complicated.

OP posts:
CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 09/06/2020 20:46

Honestly ... I don't see this relationship going anywhere good . He seems like a lot of hard work especially with the kids and distance. It would be okay maybe if you didn't know he would bail on you at a difficult time ( the beginning of lockdown was a transitional stage for everyone).

I think that alone would affect my level of trust in him . And the only way I would forgive it is if he wrote to you with a sincere explanation as to why that happened that you are able to get on board with . That hasn't happened .

I think you have to keep walking away . I'm sorry .

Crystalspider · 09/06/2020 20:47

If it's not going smoothly and not in sync it's not a good sign, it shouldn't feel stressful and hardwork. Commitment phobes don't normally change, I think your better off finding someone that makes you feel secure especially when you have kids.

YummyBelicious · 09/06/2020 20:49

You sure he's not married, and lockdown made if difficult to keep the lie?
Either way, you dont need to be picked up and put down whenever he pleases. You're better than that

monkeyonthetable · 09/06/2020 20:50

Oh honestly, you really don't want to be arsing around at your age with someone who is 'sweet but mixed up and complicated'. Not yet sorted out his childhood issues? What the jeff has he been doing for forty years? Why not treat yourself to a nice grown up, reliable, appreciative man and have some fun together. No one needs this sort of drivelling man child. They are dull enough when young and pretty but in their fifties? Nope.

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/06/2020 20:51

If he hasn't done any work on his issues and you let him back into your life, it'll all happen again. He'll freak out, you'll be dumped again, but this time you'll ave wasted 24 months instead of 18.

He hasn't even said he wants you back. That he's sorry for dumping you and he wants to change. Just that he misses talking to you. What isn't actually unexpected seeing as he DUMPED you. He hasn'teven said he misses YOU - just talking to you. And I'd read talking to as shagging.

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/06/2020 20:53

Six months of couldn't commit. Six months of good. Then six months of him obviously freaking out about being committed. Not exactly loves dream is it?

TwentyViginti · 09/06/2020 20:56

@monkeyonthetable

Oh honestly, you really don't want to be arsing around at your age with someone who is 'sweet but mixed up and complicated'. Not yet sorted out his childhood issues? What the jeff has he been doing for forty years? Why not treat yourself to a nice grown up, reliable, appreciative man and have some fun together. No one needs this sort of drivelling man child. They are dull enough when young and pretty but in their fifties? Nope.
Harsh but fair Grin

lovely and funny and sweet but mixed up and complicated might be cute when you're 17, not so cute in middle age.