I miss him. Talk me out of replying

[LostandLockeddown]

I was with my ex for 18 months ish. We met online. It took a while to get together properly and then it was just lovely and honest for about 6 months until Xmas.

We're in late 40s/50s. But then he ended it a couple of weeks into lockdown.

He said we're too different. There are things that don't sit right with him. But now, 2 months later, he's still texting to say he misses talking to me and he is thinking about me.

I haven't replied. But his latest messages have set me back. I love him. I want him back but I know I shouldn't. I'm so sad.

I feel awful ignoring him. Help. 😢

@YummyBelicious yes, 100% certain not married or with someone else.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 thank you, I think I struggle to feel like I'm worth more. That's a helpful pov.

@monkeyonthetable you're brutal but made me laugh. Thank you! I'm not sure I'll find someone grown up, reliable or appreciative tbh. I think he is to a large extent. I had an abusive marriage before him so he is beyond what I thought I'd ever get.

Block him. You dont wanna be anybody's plan B. And he sounds like a LOT of work, emotionally speaking.

You are worth more , and I get the feeling that most of your relationship was about him, his difficulties and his feelings . You matter just as much as he does . Not one iota less .

You need to block him. 6 good months out of 18 doesn't sound like it's worth getting back into. It's highly unlikely he's sorted himself out during lockdown.

I have childhood issues, but I also know when I'm onto a good thing!
Block him or you will allow him to keep coming back. I learnt this only recently when 4 exes popped up in 2 weeks during lockdown, basically wanting sex...eye roll.

It hurts so much. I want him to be OK. I don't want to be cruel and ignore him.

This is going to sound harsh but he will be absolutely fine. Honestly.

People like him just find another supply for what they need. If you didn't reply for a month then he'd make contact with someone who did and send her exactly the same messages he would send you.

In his mind, you aren't "you", you are what he likes about you. That you're kind, that you tell him he's good but just damaged not a wanker, that you're attracted to him... you are a mirror to his needs not a whole person in your own right.

I promise you he doesn't feel how you do. I know that hurts but it's true - please stop putting your mental health on the line for this when it will not end well.

Plus have children, if they were adults in your situation what would you tell them to do? Do that.

@LostandLockeddown

I don’t know, OP. I am of similar age as you and realised that by now I don’t judge people as quickly and see shades more than a younger me would.
I also know that meeting someone and clicking with them, and actually developing feelings is precious and doesn’t happen often any more. Maybe because I am a lot pickier these days.

So - all of that said - what exactly do you have to lose by giving it another go but on YOUR terms? Making it clear to him that you don’t want a repeat of what happened. And agreeing on some ground rules - where open communication is at the forefront of everything.
He clearly has issues and relationship scared him early on. But also - lockdown affected everybody. It is possible that things became more clear and focused In his head.
He could have just as easily even chatting to women online - and having non-relationships with them.
Yet he is trying to have something with you. It is clear that just like you - he has feelings too.
Maybe at a second go you can figure things out as grown ups?

@B1rdflyinghigh ha, I wanted far more sex than he did! He really isn't with anyone else or looking I'm sure.
@backseatcookers thank you. That was ouch but helpful x

@MMmomDD "Yet he is trying to have something with you".. But is he? He says he misses talking to me and that he's been thinking of me a lot.... But he doesn't say he regrets his decision to end our relationship. I dunno, I feel like i want to believe we could still work it out but I think maybe that's a fairytale?

Thank you though to all of you taking time to reply. Its so kind. I'm touched anyone can arsed m I feel rather pathetic if I'm honest at my age.

Well , what I do when I'm feeling conflicted is I got through each thing that they did and imagine how I would be feeling if I did that thing....

For example if a shopkeeper was cheeky to me (yep , still got my chip on my shoulder about that)... I'd think I would have to be really stressed , I'd have to think it was okay to be rude to someone who has done nothing to me , I'd have to have a sense of entitlement that I am justifiable in doing this ... And then I decide if I can "get on board" with what the person has done .

If I can't get in board it's because we don't have similar viewpoints in life about how to treat others. It's not awful , but it's straightforward . We aren't a match in this fucked up thing we call life .

So much better to spend time with people we understand and who understand us . Who we respect and who treats us with respect .

The world according to crazy xxx

Oh... My point is I think your not a match with this man . Just in case that wasn't clear .

A new relationship shouldn’t be that much emotional work.
Total head fuck. It’s not your job to fix him.

@LostandLockeddown

All I am saying - you will never know unless you talk to him.

He says he misses you. This is all you know. Rest is for the two of you to figure out.

I haven't seen this mentioned yet OP, but I don't feel that texting is a big enough sign to show you that he wants you back. If you felt you had made a giant mistake pushing somebody away, would you settle for sending them the occasional text to tell them that? I think most people would try a lot harder to mend a bridge they'd burned like that.

I'm sorry, I hope you don't think I'm being blunt or mean. You sound as though you could do so much better, and personally, if somebody had pushed me away the way this man did to you, I hope that I would be as strong as I'm suggesting you should be. I would probably fall for the texts. But deep down I would know that it should at least have been flowers and a meaningful effort.

He says he misses talking to her .

I could say that to my workmates who I haven't seen since March and it would be true . I'm sorry but don't you think if you split up with someone and you wanted to get back with them you should come up with more than " I miss talking to you" . And frankly , if he's incapable of coming up with more because he's emotionally prohibited in some way ...then that would not be a good person to spend your life with.

He says he misses talking to me and that he's been thinking of me a lot.... But he doesn't say he regrets his decision to end our relationship.

I'd be so wary of this. Did you used to listen sympathetically while he was all confused about his issues? Does he miss your sympathy and kindness but want to get his leg over elsewhere?

Please either don't reply or reply with a breezy, cheerful brush off. You sound nice and you deserve a grown up.

Thank you again. You're so kind to reply all of you. He did ring but it wasn't any proclamation of making a mistake. It felt more like me lapsing into providing emotional support and deluding myself. So a month ago I ended up crying on the phone when he rang and after I told him not to contact me. He lasted 2 weeks then texted. Another week and another text and then 2 days later, the last one. I haven't replied to any of them.

I sent my last message to him nearly a month ago. He replied with about 12 messages but all mixed signals.

Hmm, as suspected, he wants you as emotional support on tap for free. Sod him. Strangers on MN think you are worth more than that so someone who has shared your life for 18 months certainly should!
Just block him and start looking for someone more suitable. You will look back on this as a very lucky escape when you meet a lovely caring man.

Going against the grain here but maybe he realises he made a mistake.

I’m not saying go running back, make him work hard to get anything sort of response from you and absolutely don’t rush into anything. Sometimes people don’t realise what they’ve got until it’s gone, everyone makes mistakes.

I'm sorry @LostandLockeddown, it sounds emotionally exhausting . And I think it sounds like maybe if he had given you anything substantial to work with you would have run with it.

Your instincts are telling you that something is amiss with this relationship and you are really worth so much more than this .

@LostandLockeddown I feel your pain. He sounds like my ex. I was dumped cruelly out of the blue by my ex. We hadn’t been having any issues, I thought all was good and we were happy. He seemed a really very decent bloke until then.
I got told all sorts of absolute rubbish like ‘I’m crap at relationships’ and ‘I don’t know how to be a parent and in a relationship.’ I then got messages that he missed my company etc blah blah. I actually asked him if he meant he wanted to try again. He didn’t. I was humiliated and hurt. Don’t be me. Leave him to stroke his own ego. Don’t let him keep you dangling. You’re worth more than that.
I found out about a year later that he’d met someone else months before he dumped me. Someone else to be his emotional crutch. Looking back I supported him emotionally through crisis after crisis. It was exhausting. I didn’t react at all when I found out about OW. I was totally over it by then.
What I’m trying to say is this guy sounds very similar. Like some sort of emotional leech bleeding you dry. He’s messaging you now so he can satisfy himself that he’s a ‘good guy’ really and he can use you to continue emotionally supporting him if he fancies. Urghhhhh
My relationship like this only lasted about a year and I’ve never seen him since (been over about 3 years now). I’m totally moved on and happy but it still pisses me off that he misled me as to who he really was.
Don’t engage with him at all. You owe him nothing. His attempts at communicating are purely for his benefit, not yours. Yuk

Block. It's not being cruel. He hasn't treated you well.

Well, I've come back on my thread to re-read messages. I gave in when I was feeling unwell (poss mild covid) and we talked a bit.

He said he missed me. He was sorry for being daft. That maybe we could work something out if we met up and talked. I didn't take it for granted. We did meet up. It was emotional. He cried. I cried. We didn't get to the conclusion we should try again and I felt in limbo still. He was still ringing regularly in the days after we met up. I asked if he would like to meet up and talk again. He said OK and pencilled a day in.

Then one final normal chat on the phone and a couple of WhatsApp messages and.... Nothing. Ghosted.

It hurts so much. I've not contacted him. I'm trying to stay strong but god it hurts. He's left a big hole in my life and I'm so disappointed that he could do this. He should have just left me alone when we weren't in contact before.

I'm trying to keep busy and do the right things but I'm still crying most days. I miss him even though its no good and I know he's behaved very badly 😞

BLOCK. HIM. And delete.

Seriously.

If you don’t, you will keep checking your phone, wondering. And in a couple of weeks get sucked back in. He’s using you. You deserve better.