Once a cheat, always a cheat?

[WomblingTree]

I've been chatting to a few guys online during lockdown, ready to hopefully meet a nice chap when the world starts again! There is one guy I'm talking to who seems perfect. I've had a few phone calls with him too, and one video call. He is articulate, intelligent and well educated, interesting, fun, cute, clearly interested in me but not pushy at all. You get the idea - I like him! I basically lost interest in talking to anyone else once I'd started chatting to him.

In our video call, we started talking about past relationships (for the first time), and I asked him if he had ever cheated on a partner. He winced, sighed and told me that he had. He said his marriage ended (last year) due to a lack of intimacy, with his wife losing interest many years before and not even wanting to kiss him. He said that after staying faithful in a sexless marriage for about ten years he finally caved in and had a brief affair. He said he thought about leaving at the time (instead of having the affair), but couldn't bring himself to do so because he couldn't bear not to see his children every day, and so had an affair instead. He said it was only brief because he felt so guilty. He admitted it to his wife, and they stayed together (again, sexless) to co-parent the children. He said she had affairs too, but that he had his one first.

He finally left her last year (three years after the affair), because he and his wife had grown so far apart it was starting to impact on the children.

I'm really torn. I hate cheaters, but he seemed so sad and genuine about it, and he didn't try to hide it from me when I asked. I can believe that he would have gone to great lengths to stay in the marriage to be with his children - he obviously adores them (he's talked about them loads - which is fine with me as I've talked about my kids loads too!) and spends lots of time with them now (they are all teenagers, the oldest nearly being an adult), with them living with him roughly half the time.

He says he will completely understand if it is a deal breaker for me, and is just glad he had the opportunity to spend a few weeks chatting to me.

Aaaagghh! I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Should I give him a chance, or is it a case of "once a cheat, always a cheat?"

Thanks!

I'd give him a chance too. He was honest at the first opportunity - you haven't even been on a date yet (or you haven't mentioned it?).

There is a bit of a pattern here op. All the women who cheated did it once. All the men who cheated did it again.

Honestly I'd say be very very careful. You do not know that he is telling the truth. My now ex husband cheated on me multiple times. The first couple of times (I found out in one go so tend to lump together) he said was due to us growing apart after our first baby. We had counselling and rebuilt. The next time I found about he even admitted nothing was wrong at all. He just got flattered and gave in.
Would he tell you this if he started dating you? I can guarantee you he would not. He is a brilliant liar and would probably tell you we were in a loveless and sexless marriage and that he stayed for the kids. This would all be lies but he would never admit he just cheated as he could and he enjoyed it! (And to be fair I can sort of see why! What woman in their right mind would!)

I think 'sexless marriage' is a very common lie cheaters use nowadays.

If you speak to a cheater they're always going to say they're never going to do it again to someone they're trying to pull, but there's a spectrum of a defect of character that's needed to cheat (I would know, I've known plenty of them intimately and been one once or twice. ) It shows a lack of integrity.

They're never going to say I' cheated and I fucking loved it,' either, though they probably did.

I'd be particularly concerned that he said sex was the issue. It implies at the very least that if everything isn't exactly as he wants it in bed, or you're off colour for a bit or don't fancy it or whatever, he will stray.

And my experience of these 'oh noes, I'm in a fake sexless marriage' guys is they are obsessed with sex, they get up to all sorts of different things. Even if their wives and partners do what they want in bed, they're still out looking for other things, cos it turns them on.

Do you think this guy I'm talking to is just making it all up about the sexless marriage

Yes. Absolutely. And if his marriage broke up mainly due to sex, is that the sort of guy you want? Someone that into sex? What if you weren't in the mood for a while, or didn't like all the same stuff as him?

10 years in a sexless marriage

This is EXACTLY the line my ex gave me- the poor soul selflessly waited ten years before seeking a sex life of his own. They say that because it sounds more acceptable. They're lying their fat arses off.

It's only honesty if it's the complete truth and OP has no way of knowing that.

My experience of cheating, abusive ex is that once that boundary has been crossed, doing it again is never as difficult as the first time.
Might be wrong about 'once a cheat, always a cheat' but I can't see me ever respecting someone who'd treated a partner or spouse like that.
I'd rather think the way I do and be wrong about the odd man than have rose tinted glasses about men miraculously changing their toxic behaviour and putting myself in that position again.

Only you can decide though.

@WomblingTree There are plenty of men you can like or love who are not sex-obsessed cheaters and don't have the same amount of potential/likelihood of being.

I think it depends on the individual circumstances and, in the scenario outlined, I would not consider it to be a deal-breaker.

@FourPlasticRings I believed it too, when I was spun exactly the same line.

I believed it too, when I was spun exactly the same line.

Thing is, if he was going to lie about it, why bother at all? Why not just say, 'No, I've never cheated' and leave it at that?

I have a dog that's bitten - I know in my heart I can't trust him again. he's passed that threshold, he knows he can resort to that behaviour if he judges the situation is needed.

I would trust this guy more than someone who lied about cheating, but less than someone who could honestly say they have never cheated - and I've got to believe there are some of them of them left!

There were other options available for him rather than to cheat - he could have asked about an open marriage, he could have divorced and accepted his children would move away but go out of his way to move his business, or sell his business and move to be close to them and do any job available, he could have spent a huge amount of time travelling to spend time with his children. He didn't do any of those things. He chose to cheat.

Because it gives the appearance that he's being intensely honest in a way. They often claim that they never lie, when they lie every day.

Also, the message it sends to someone hearing it is 'if you're with me and don't give me the sex I want I will cheat on you or leave you.'

@FourPlasticRings

It's a tactic that many many cheaters use. Tell half truths as you're more likely to get away with it if it's ever discovered in the future. In their warped minds, they believe omitting details is not a lie.

It's a tactic that many many cheaters use. Tell half truths as you're more likely to get away with it if it's ever discovered in the future. In their warped minds, they believe omitting details is not a lie.

Fair enough, but I'd imagine many cheaters also say they've never cheated. He could just as easily be telling the truth here.

I cheated on a boyfriend once, because he wouldn't let me dump him and I was fed up. The cheating led to me actually breaking up with him (via text and blocking after, every other time I tried it was in person and he'd manipulate me into staying). I've not done it since and wouldn't do it in my current relationship, but would tell the story if asked because I'm actually a fairly honest person.

I was seeing someone that cheated on his ex wife..
he also said he would never cheat..
found him on tinder and messaging other women. We ended.
His also cheated on the one after me..

When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

@FourPlasticRings

Christ, he sounds shit

I'm 100% aware that my experience of an awful relationship has an impact on my view of the situation so I was open about the fact I don't have an objective view on it.

I don't even think I'd consider what you did cheating, sounds like you were clear about wanting to end the relationship but were emotionally coerced into staying.

To ask someone if they have every cheated is a strange question I think and one that no matter what they say will leave doubts in your mind? They are honest and say they did and you pull them apart, they tell you they never have and do you trust that?
Mindfield...

I was in a sexless marriage. He refused to have sex with me, but shagged around himself, whilst threatening me physically and with child arrangements when I tried to leave him.

So he would have told the truth, the marriage was "sexless". But for his wife, not for him.

It's a type of abuser.

@Nousernamehistory

He was a bit of a nightmare tbh. Objectively though, I did cheat on him. I should have dumped and blocked without the cheating occurring but I think I needed the catalyst of knowing that the relationship was dead in the water, that to be able to look myself in the mirror, I'd have to end it immediately. It forced me to act.

A person listening to me though, could decide that I'm probably telling a half lie and that it can't have been that bad and why didn't I just dump and block in the first place, without cheating? They could decide that I'll always be predisposed to cheat. This is why I'd personally be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt in a case such as this, but we do all operate from a sphere of our own experience.

Come on everyone... We all know the statistics.
LOTS of people cheat - men and women
Don't assume all the women on here are telling the truth - seems like all you have to say is you had an abusive exH and the cheating is excused
At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut feeling OP
There is no way of proving that anyone in the world would "never cheat"

@FourPlasticRings

but we do all operate from a sphere of our own experience.

Always good to hear an alternative experience. Especially one that gives me a different perspective.

Mine is that I've never cheated but have been cheated on. Also spent years on the receiving end of emotional abuse and a couple incidents of physical abuse due to ex's steroid addiction and uncontrollable anger. Eliminating any shades of grey on the issue of cheating has just been my way of protecting myself since then but that does need to change. My trust issues definitely need some work!

Ooo tricky. Ordinarily I am in camp 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but reading this maybe I'm more understanding of certain scenarios. It sounds like their marriage was well on its way to being officially over for years... If he only stayed for the children? I can sympathise with this sentiment. I wonder why she stayed with him in return though? She had affairs too, but didn't want that relationship with her own husband?

If probably give him a chance and give it time to see if you trust him.

I cheated twice, first and second LT relationships. Both men had no time for me, and the father of my children was a drug abusing liar. I was not in a position to leave at the time.

My last two relationships I'd never have cheated on, neither of them gave me a reason to do so.

I despise a cheat, which sounds contradictory to my behaviour, however, the way I was treated led me to do what I did.

I'd never cheat on a decent person, and don't understand why you'd need to do it if they were.

I can only speak from experience. I have known two people who cheated on their spouses. Both married the OW/OM. Both , so far as I know, stayed faithful. "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is too simplistic in my view.

He's been honest with you....he could have lied and said no, and you would have never known the truth but he never!Give him a chance.