Once a cheat, always a cheat?

[WomblingTree]

I've been chatting to a few guys online during lockdown, ready to hopefully meet a nice chap when the world starts again! There is one guy I'm talking to who seems perfect. I've had a few phone calls with him too, and one video call. He is articulate, intelligent and well educated, interesting, fun, cute, clearly interested in me but not pushy at all. You get the idea - I like him! I basically lost interest in talking to anyone else once I'd started chatting to him.

In our video call, we started talking about past relationships (for the first time), and I asked him if he had ever cheated on a partner. He winced, sighed and told me that he had. He said his marriage ended (last year) due to a lack of intimacy, with his wife losing interest many years before and not even wanting to kiss him. He said that after staying faithful in a sexless marriage for about ten years he finally caved in and had a brief affair. He said he thought about leaving at the time (instead of having the affair), but couldn't bring himself to do so because he couldn't bear not to see his children every day, and so had an affair instead. He said it was only brief because he felt so guilty. He admitted it to his wife, and they stayed together (again, sexless) to co-parent the children. He said she had affairs too, but that he had his one first.

He finally left her last year (three years after the affair), because he and his wife had grown so far apart it was starting to impact on the children.

I'm really torn. I hate cheaters, but he seemed so sad and genuine about it, and he didn't try to hide it from me when I asked. I can believe that he would have gone to great lengths to stay in the marriage to be with his children - he obviously adores them (he's talked about them loads - which is fine with me as I've talked about my kids loads too!) and spends lots of time with them now (they are all teenagers, the oldest nearly being an adult), with them living with him roughly half the time.

He says he will completely understand if it is a deal breaker for me, and is just glad he had the opportunity to spend a few weeks chatting to me.

Aaaagghh! I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Should I give him a chance, or is it a case of "once a cheat, always a cheat?"

Thanks!

[2ndtimemum2]

Zombie thread

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

There are plenty of people who post on here saying they are unhappily in sexless marriages. Plenty. Statistically, sexless marriage is quite common. No particular reason to think this man was lying about being in a sexless marriage. And it is not uncommon for people to cheat while in a bad relationship, and only then to actually leave, because they realise it's no way to live.
I've never cheated, but this would not put me off. In the real world it seems to happen to lots of people and things are not often as cut and dried as they can seem on MN. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect other people to be either.
Do you have friends you can discuss this with, perhaps to get some wider opinions? It sounds like an excellent discussion topic for a group of women friends, and I would be interested to hear how opinions varied.

[TacCat49]

Well he talks a good story. He said "she had affairs too". Did he say this to justify his own behaviour? Also, I'm wondering why does he fear her moving away with the kids? Is he not going to let her stay in the house while they work out the details of their divorce. I'm not in the UK so I can't say this for a fact, but aren't there are restrictions on the resident parent leaving town with the kids.

[nolovelost]

I wouldn't neccessarily let it go straight away but I think it sounds like he's learned from it.

I cheated and it's one of my biggest regrets ever. I think about it all the time, even after years and years. I'd never ever do it again. Maybe he's learned by his mistakes.

[BillMasen]

There are a number of women posing on here who had affairs, regretted and learnt from them and would never do so again.

Yet it seems impossible to believe that a man could do the same?

[HappyDooDaaa]

Tbh he didnt have to mention it. You asked and he did. There are always 2 sides to every story and I think the cheating partner in most circumstances is seeking something they are missing in their "committed" relationship.

People have the ability to learn from their mistakes. I dont think it is a nice thing to paint a person's future on their mistakes if they are genuinely remorseful. But you won't know that because the truth is you don't know him. You're in that "getting to know you" phase where he can be whatever he wants and his intentions are not as clear because youve probably not met up to get a sense of him.

Personally if I knew that someone I was interested had an affair, I'd stay very clear. But that's just me...everyone is different.

[celticmissey]

Be wary about this OP. You only have his side of the story don't you? Many men told their affair partner a load of lies about their wives or partners that is just not true so the affair partner will get into a relationship with them. He is only telling you what he wants you to know. I imagine if you spoke to her it would be a different story.

You do realise that you are believing him don't you. He has managed to get you to feel sorry for him very quickly so you can sympathise with his circumstances and agree that it was ok for him to have the affair ? You will never know if he may get bored in your relationship and do the same to you .....be very cautious!

[pinkandstripey]

Meh, should RTFT!

[pinkandstripey]

@hugefanofcheese

I would be more sceptical about how it sounds like the perfect, blameless (for him) set of circumstances.

Possibly he wanted to be honest but limit damage and thinks this makes him sound less bad than having his head turned or whatever. Possibly it is true. Either way he is apportioning responsibility onto his wife which I would be wary of.

Yeah, poor him. He was so lonely and hard done by he had no option but to cheat. 🙄 I bet his ex wife has a whole different view on events.

[Pyewhacket]

Firstly this is a Zombie. Secondly you are speculating in your head about a previous relationship of a guy you are nolonger seeing. That's a little bit weird. I'd forget about it and move on.

[MonkeyToesOfDoom]

What's that old cliche?
"If someone tells who they are, make sure you listen"
Or words to a similar effect.

If a guy tell you he's cheated that means he's broken someone's trust, lied repeatedly, disrespected their partner, put their needs or desire before their partner and family etc etc.

If you get into that bed, don't be surprised if that knowledge is always niggling, trust will be tough, you'll feel.pushed into sex as you don't want him off cheating if he doesn't get it etc. That's not a 'dont go there', more a 'if you go there, keep your eyes open'

[hugefanofcheese]

I think I agree with Frankola in that I don't think there's some division between potential cheaters and non potential cheaters. Therefore I don't think it is inevitable he will do it again because he is programmed that way. Or that someone without form will never cheat.

like I say, t's the perfection of the circumstances he has presented that I wouldn't like and find a bit cynical. As though he has thought 'what would be the one acceptable reason for cheating that I could cite?'. It may be true. But either way he acted on his feelings of attraction to someone else when married.

[HoneyBeeHappy]

But look at what the alternative is to once a cheat always a cheat.

Never cheated doesn’t mean never will.

People are making judgements based on what they know, and yet every person who cheats was once in the position where they hadn’t cheated.

As for suggesting that if the man was in a sexless marriage he could have been to blame, when a woman posts here that she’s in a sexless marriage do we look to her and suggest that it’s her fault her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her?

And why would he be honest? Well why not. I was honest with my partner because it’s who I am, and besides regardless of my reasons he had the right to make the decision not to want to be with me if a previous affair had been a dealbreaker. Since getting together with him he has seen first-hand how abusive my ex can be.

[Covidkate]

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me

[Itsallpointless]

@NoMoreDickheads Indeed I didn't HAVE to do it, I did it because there was no relationship left, I didn't cheat whilst maintaining (the appearance) of a 'loving' relationship.

I didn't care, nor respect (at the end) either of the men I cheated on, there was nothing left to salvage.

[Xandrats]

Why would a man who was dishonest to his wife be honest with a stranger ?

Absolutely agree. He's going to say what his pursuit wants to hear. Yes he said he did it, but he can't guarantee he won't do it again.

And by "just taking a chance" or "just give it a shot" might see you emotionally invested down the track and if it happened again you will be hurt all the same even if you knew the history and that it could very well happen to you.

He isn't going to give indications early on it will happen. It would only happen after you're well entwined so just meeting up to suss him out won't give you an answer one way or the other.

Good luck with it. I'm sure you knew no one here could 100% predict how it will turn out and I'm sure you intended to meet up regardless.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I love that some people are assuming he's being honest.

eliminating any shades of grey on the issue of cheating has just been my way of protecting myself since then but that does need to change. My trust issues definitely need some work!

@Nousernamehistory You could have more understanding of cheaters theoretically in debates etc if you like, but I wouldn't recommend letting them into your intimate life.

the way I was treated led me to do what I did.

@Itsallpointless You didn't have to do it, to be fair. I say that as someone who's done all sorts of stuff.

You even admit yourself that you "imagine" that his ex wife has a different story - that's your imagination speaking, not knowledge about the truth.

@Rockandahardplaice of course his ex wife is going to have her own perspective on it, and it's very likely to be different from his. That's not much of a reach.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Agree with @DontBeRickDiculous especially the following...

If someone was really terrified of losing their kids, they would end a relationship as respectfully as they could, so that they could maintain good relations with the ex to co-parent with them successfully

People are the sum of their actions

Leave the cheaters to date each other

Its up to you on how you proceed OP but at least you're not walking into it blind...you know what the person is capable of if that makes sense.

[Frankola]

I dont believe once a cheat always a cheat.

I believe that life is never black or white.

Everyone has the potential to cheat. We are all human.

I haven't cheated on anyone. But I just dont believe the world is so straight down the middle.

[Confused124]

He could be a massive liar or he could be telling the truth sorry that’s not helpful

You could ditch him , have the exact same convo with another guy and they could just lie but turn out to be a serial cheat The fact he was honest is kind of a good indicator I think anyway .

If it helps , I have cheated in a (Miserable) serious relationship . I absolutley wouldn’t do it again

[Mikeymoo12]

He could have lied and said no but he didn't he told you the truth and I think as a lot of other posters here have said cheating is often a symptom of something wrong in a relationship. I would give him a chance

[Rockandahardplaice]

@GilbertMarkham

Those are spurious arguments, and you know it.

I COULD cut my own hand off. I COULD blow my own head off with a shotgun. In both cases I technically CHOOSE not to, for obvious reasons.

But it would be entirely reasonable for me to say that I couldn't BEAR to do those things.

So stop being absurdly pedantic.

The reality is, life is about choosing between alternatives.

I could choose:
(1) sexless, celibate marriage (grim, as I know from experience)
(2) open relationship (if permitted, in my case it isn't)
(3) Cheat (currently under debate on this thread)
(4) Separate (financial consequences for me AND my wife,, wife doesn't want to for her own reasons (we've discussed it), kids would need to move to much worse schools (currently in a private school, nearby state schools are shite, no equity in house to move, couldn't afford private school fees if we split), and so on and so forth. These (among others which would be specific enough to identify me) are the costs which are more than I can bear.

Of course its up to me to choose which of these to go for. Right now, I'm at (1). I'd rather (1) than (4). (2) isn't an option.

To be honest, at this point I'm not at all sure that cheating is the wrong thing to do. The main reason I don't is the reason you state in your second message - that it might potentially result in separation anyway, and under much worse circumstances. Besides, I really don't want to hurt my wife, irrespective of how painful our current situation is.

[NameChangeNugget]

The once a cheat always a cheat line is rolled out by people normally with their own agenda. People change, I’d give it a shot