Are there really any good men out there?

[Tillylils]

I've been single for a while and I just seem to be meeting to talking to online, a long stream of horrible men.
My father is a good man but I don't know any others. When I think of all the men I know, there isn't one that I think you make a good partner and would treat a woman correctly.
I don't think I'm asking for too much, he doesn't have to be amazing looking, just someone who will behave decently.
Feeling a bit hopeless at the moment.

Don't give up @TIllylils, there are definitely good men out there. Met mine online in my fifties and he's moving in shortly. Has all the qualities you are looking for and more.

I think with the online dating you have to be a bit 'ruthless'. I didn't waste too much time chatting, met up very quickly for coffee only with any potentials and didn't waste anymore time if there wasn't chemistry. I did it with upmost politeness and consideration for their feelings so no harm done.

I also used the paid sites as I figured the men were more committed to wanting a partner, not just a fling.

Perhaps you need a bit of break, do something nice for yourself (when circumstances allow). It will happen, keep the faith!

Sorry OP but I'm with you.
My dad is wonderful.
Why can't we just clone good ones and get rid of the rest?
I've given up all hope as I'm so much happier single.
I can call on 'people' if I need to go out on a date or get some sex.
But at my age the sex really isn't that great so I've given up on that too for now.

I met my DH on OLD over 5 years ago and he is perfection. My kids adore him, he's not lazy or ignorant, he buys me flowers constantly and packs my lunch every day, we don't argue or even bicker, the sex is great. He's literally the bravest person I know, he has the heart of a lion... Oh, and he looks like Kit Harrington, minus the long hair. I'm very lucky.

However, it's all subjective isn't it? I've seen his ex wife posting online that she was in a domestic violence relationship with him and he's abusive and a cheater(shes actually married to the person she ran off with whilst married to him 7 years ago sooooo...). I guess everyone sees something different 🤷‍♀️

Yes!

Met my boyfriend 6 weeks after I left my abusive husband. My God he’s just the best man ever. I could list all the great things about him but really all I can say is he’s just so sound.

He’s really good looking too and I never would have thought I’d be his type.

Don’t settle op that’s my advice. Sometimes when we want something we’ll settle for less than what we deserve.

When we met there were no games, he was open about his feelings, just brilliant.

Best of luck x

Yes there are lovely men out there. I was single and on OLD for 4 years. I met some nice men but nothing clicked. Now I am with a lovely gentle man who I knew 19 years ago and our paths crossed again last year. He is very different from all the other men who I have had relationships before. Very stable and grounded. No games or attitude , so they are out there.

Of course there are good men out there. I've got one, and hes bloody wonderful. I did OLD for 18 months or so, had a lot of fun, met a lot of pleasant men and a few unpleasant ones, but noone that i really wanted a relationship with. Then my friend from work set me up with another colleague / friend.... that was 2 years ago and we are in a very good place indeed.

There are plenty of good men out there, but sometimes OLD isnt always the way to find them.

It really is a numbers game, and some of us strike it lucky sooner than others. I have chatted to literally thousands of the “horrible” men you describe, and been on over 100 OLD dates. I’ve felt like giving up so many times. However, I’ve now met someone who seems to be wonderful, and thinks the same about me, though it’s still very early days. Even if things don’t work out with him, he’s restored my faith that there are still some decent men doing OLD. I recommend writing a list of dealbreakers (and sticking to it) and being ruthless in blocking/deleting at the first sign or disrespect or lukewarm interest. You deserve someone who is really into you, and you them.

I don't think so and I'm glad I've learned this while still being in my early 20s. People can come for me and call me a man hater but I don't care because I'd rather not be potentially abused or raped. I choose to stay single. Maybe there are some half decent men out there but the more time I spend reading things, seeing things with my own eyes and looking at the internet the more I've come to realise that I'd rather not waste my time on them.

Of course there are- I'm married to one, my friends are all married to really decent men, my dad was a decent man, so was my grandfather. My FIL is a decent man etc

I dont know if its a coincidence but all the men ive ever met online have been utter twats. I met H in real life and he's a wonderful guy.
Ive heard dating described as being like "searching for an eyelash in a bucket of shit" and I think thats pretty accurate! That said, you are just going to have to get firm about immediately dumping the men who give off red flags early on. Dump them without hesitation and on with the next. It really is a numbers game- you are going to have to wade through quite a lot of shit to find a decent one.

I met DH 5 years ago OLD. He’s a good man - don’t get me wrong he can be a grumpy arse at times, he leaves the toilet seat up and never replaces the loo roll, so I’m not saying he’s perfect. But he’s loyal and kind, he bring me a cup of tea in bed each morning even though I’m furloughed and he’s still working, he makes me laugh and I trust him with my life after thinking I’d never ever trust anyone again.

I broke up with long term ex about 6 years before meeting DH, and was online dating for much of those years. I met some lovely guys and had some short relationships, and I met plenty of absolute wankers. It can be absolutely soul destroying. Whenever it started to get me down or knock my self-esteem I’d take a break.

My brother is a good guy and a good husband and father. At least three of my friends have friends/husbands who are lovely, supportive, do their share etc. The rest not so much though sadly.

I think the bigger issue is are there any good looking men? I meet plenty of lovely guys but never fancy them!

apparently there are good men out there. I've yet to find one in my mid forties. Abandoned by my dad, cheated on by boyfriends, abused, stalked, father of my son is useless and has technically washed his hands of any responsibility towards him, emotionally unavailable men wanting free therapists and shags. And I haven't even started on OLD yet - gave that up years ago due to the disgusting sexual way these pervy weird abusive blokes think it's acceptable to talk to women, sending dick pics, harrassment, stalking.
I've walked into supermarkets and been told by elderly men that I 'don't look happy enough' when i'm concentrating on shopping. I've come home from nightshifts and been shouted at whilst on my driveway that I must have been out all night shagging. WTF! leave me alone! I don't even engage with men and still get abuse.

No thanks, I don't know what other women are seeing, but I think i'm one of those people who is 'meant to be single'. 4 years so far and feeling relieved I don't have to spend all my time looking out for all these red flags. Far too much hassle. Even the sex was crap, don't miss that either and hated being hassled for it every night when I was basically cajoled into being a skivvy slave and felt exhausted to start with. There is literally nothing in it for me, at all.

I've just got a kitten

I think there are but sadly they’re all taken 🙄 If you’re past your 20s/30s and OLD all that’s left is saddos, weirdos and other people’s rejects ime. There’s reasons why they’re single unfortunately.

There are plenty of good mien you have to find them first. My first dh was a compleate git but my second is a darling not perfect has his irritating habbits but a good man who works hard provides for his family and treats me and the kids with love and respect.

They are out there. I have one. We've been together for six years and married for three. I had to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs before I found him though, and I'd given up hope of ever finding true love when suddenly he appeared.

I have a good one, I met him at 17, married him at 19. He is best man I have ever known. All I knew growing up from male relatives were that men are abusive and bullies, but not DH. He is the kindest most thoughtful man I have met.

The good ones tend to be taken though.

@AGoodYearfortheRoses

I think there are but sadly they’re all taken 🙄 If you’re past your 20s/30s and OLD all that’s left is saddos, weirdos and other people’s rejects ime. There’s reasons why they’re single unfortunately.

Maybe they're thinking the same about us women who are past 20s/30s and looking for a relationship. Saddos, weirdos and rejects.

Yes. Plenty!

Trouble is they tend to have options and end up snapped up pretty quickly. The ones left are likely to have fewer catches amongst them as they’re the ones who struggle to find someone. Anecdotally amongst friends there seem to be people who find a decent relationship pretty quickly when they decide to (doesn’t always work out of course but they’re never unwillingly single) and people who just don’t seem to find anyone year after year.

I reckon as you get older it’s harder to find the great guys cos someone has married them already. Same goes for men trying to find women. Until your 40s+ when divorces start and you have a fair few back on the market.

I think increasingly modern life is incompatible with relationships, in large part they only worked because men were able to subdue and control women

I don't know any single men in my wide social circle (30s) who are dateable. All the gooduns are shacked up. The second round of breakups in our 40s might throw up some new combinations I suppose.

I can vouch that the dating pool in your forties is grim. If you are looking at the second round of breakup theory, just think they have broken up for a reason.. if you are using OLD then many of them haven't even broken up yet but are pretending to be single to find someone else dishonestly. Come across it loads unfortunately

Yes - but we (apart from being immensely modest) tend not to be as visible/available because we're busy looking after our partners and not cheating on them. Good luck though.

Yes - but we (apart from being immensely modest) tend not to be as visible/available because we're busy looking after our partners and not cheating on them

I'm not a bloke but I agree with this. Think about it- noone posts all over the internet "my partner is great, he's kind and supportive and we have no problems" and if they did they'd probably get very few responses - eg "thats nice dear" etc.

However, when someone has a nightmare relationship and posts about it, they get a ton of replies and its very visible as it garners a lot of attention. Its like anything else- people dont tend to post about stuff theyre content with- they post about horrendous service or extreme things that cause them to need to vent and offload. Therefore, you rarely hear about all the happy relationships out there or the kind and supportive men but you hear A LOT about the abusive pricks who treat women poorly.

Yes, met my DH youngish, he'd not had much luck with women in his teens as a sensitive, shy guy and I constantly think how if he became single now he'd be shocked by how in demand he'd be. I do believe that men like DH are few and far between though. Keep going, you will hopefully have it proven to you one day.