Crush getting out of control...

[angelofmum]

I'm finding lockdown really hard as I imagine a lot of people are. There are benefits to it like DH working from home (although he is very busy) and we've had some good times together as a family. However, as time is going on and things are looking even more uncertain especially with schools going back (I have 3 young DC) I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense of despair.
To cut to the chase I've had a harmless crush on a married dad I know for a few years. He lives on my road, so to distract myself from my negative thoughts I've found myself thinking about him more and more. I guess escaping reality for fantasy is more appealing. Now I'm thinking about him all the time and hoping I bump into him for a chat, and when I don't I feel so disappointed. It literally makes my day if I do as otherwise I'm stuck in and it's full on with kids/homeschooling, which isn't exactly riveting.
I know in normal circumstances I wouldn't be like this but lockdown has made me want some excitement. DH works long hours and is tired after working so doesn't have much time for me. I've brought this up with him and he knows it's something he needs to work on.
How do you get over a crush like this? I feel like my crush on this guy is one of the only things making me feel alive at the moment.

I agree with you both and my judgement isn't clouded. I think we all agree no contact, no anything is the best way forward. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind for me! I know I need to make changes.

Hi Op, I really feel for you and and trying to pour cold water on a crush myself (I'm also married , I have a workaholic DH and am currently SAHM with two extremely young kids). In my case we are friends on Facebook and the object of my crush is divorced and available - believe me that not having him on FB is a VERY GOOD THING! I think you've had some am good advice, and I can see why folk have been tough-lovey about it. In my situation I am realising/focusing on:

-The fact that crush is a symptom of boredom/lockdown/feeling lonely in my marriage. There are other issues in my marriage such as no longer finding DH attractive/him being lazy around the house etc etc etc (not good I know) but I'm going to try and work on things:talk to him and am really trying to separate my fantasy/crush from real issues in my life that need dealing with.

-I'm trying to work on myself , think about what I'd like to do when I return to work (looking at courses etc).

-sounds silly but I'm spending time looking at nice clothes / researching better skincare / hobbies - anything I can think of to turn my focus on to making MYSELF feel happier and not just "lost my identity SAHM" (and taking the focus off the object of my crush).
I think I need something frivolous and fun to steer my attentions away from my crush (not just the serious stuff like the next two points...)

-I'm focusing on this guys negative qualities and repeating to myself that I DONT REALLY KNOW HIM and that he might be an awful partner. I know his ex wife left him when they had 2 young kids. I keep telling myself he must have been awful for her to do that.

-I'm focusing on how awful the fallout would be if I pursued this. The upheaval and the stress, the effect on my children - thinking about these things isn't nearly as lovely as fantasising about a crush but I'm making myself do it!

-I'm trying to avoid any 1 to 2 contact with this man, online or in real life. Even a couple of weeks ago I'd be hoping to bump into him etc... (he lives locally and takes his kids out to the same park etc). I'm really trying to actively avoid that now.

I gtg as my kids are waking up from naps (they are very young and all consuming at I think this is part of the root cause). I will try to type more later but I just wanted to say : I understand , you're not a band person , focus on yourself and enriching your own life xxx

Ps sorry for any typos

*trying to avoid any 1 to 1 contact

*youre not a BAD person, bloody iPhone keyboard !

I have crushes on married men all the time. I think it's normal, well, amomg my friends it is. What's not normal and will make you very unhappy ultimately is pursuing it. Enjoy the crush but avoid actual conversations with person like the plague and it will pass. Definitely don't be friends on Facebook. Read a novel for some escapism

@hassletassle Thank you for being honest and sharing how you feel. Completely relate to some of the issues you've mentioned with DH and being a SAHM! I think it's easy to develop a crush on someone as a form of escapism from the reality of life. Being a SAHM can feel like groundhog day with young children and lockdown has really not helped! That must be hard that you're friends on FB and he's divorced too - more scope for letting yourself think what if. It's great you've recognised this and sounds like you're doing a great job of distracting yourself from thinking about him and putting the focus back on yourself💞I will definitely be taking note of some of your suggestions!

@Emmapeeler1 So true, I'm glad I cancelled the FB request. Praying that he never actually saw it but I guess I'll never know. I feel so much better having read through everyone's messages, it's really helped me.

Op we've all had crushes so don't beat yourself up over that. You can't help that, but you can help whether or not you manoeuvre yourself into an affair, and you appeared to have swerved it. So well done!
How old are your children? I ask bc there's def a low pout relationship wise at some point when they are in tweens/teens. At least that's what I found! No privacy! They never went to bed to allow mummy and daddy time 😁. When they're young and abed early it's easy, and when they start going out themselves it's easy, but the bit in between isn't. And lockdown must make it worse. X

Too late now, but you should have sent a friend request to both him and his wife, and maybe some other nursery mums, then you wouldn't look like a potential bunny boiler.

Anyway, you sound as if you have come to the right decision in deleting the friend request and blocking his profile. Now work on getting your marriage back on track. Be kind to yourself though, lockdown is hard on all of us.

Thank you I definitely will. I did add some mutual nursery/school friends it wasn't just him. He kept coming up on my people you may know list and he's been on it for years but I've never even thought of adding him! Lockdown madness made me do otherwise in a moment of pure madness, lesson learned🙈I'm so glad I came on here and anytime my resolve waivers I'll read back over these messages! My DC's are 18m, 4 & 6yrs x

[quote angelofmum]@milcmxxx I'm honestly not looking to have an affair, I've just had a crush that's got out of hand but thankfully I've been aware as to why. Will have to speak to DH again about our relationship🙁[/quote]
We’ve probably all been guilty of it at some point!! Crushes are harmless and probably very normal too xxx