Crush getting out of control...

[angelofmum]

I'm finding lockdown really hard as I imagine a lot of people are. There are benefits to it like DH working from home (although he is very busy) and we've had some good times together as a family. However, as time is going on and things are looking even more uncertain especially with schools going back (I have 3 young DC) I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense of despair.
To cut to the chase I've had a harmless crush on a married dad I know for a few years. He lives on my road, so to distract myself from my negative thoughts I've found myself thinking about him more and more. I guess escaping reality for fantasy is more appealing. Now I'm thinking about him all the time and hoping I bump into him for a chat, and when I don't I feel so disappointed. It literally makes my day if I do as otherwise I'm stuck in and it's full on with kids/homeschooling, which isn't exactly riveting.
I know in normal circumstances I wouldn't be like this but lockdown has made me want some excitement. DH works long hours and is tired after working so doesn't have much time for me. I've brought this up with him and he knows it's something he needs to work on.
How do you get over a crush like this? I feel like my crush on this guy is one of the only things making me feel alive at the moment.

Thanks everyone some really good advice and I appreciate your replies. I'm glad I've had this space to say how I've been feeling, as reading through it I know how pathetic it sounds. When it's in your head it's easy to get carried away daydreaming, hence the Facebook add which I wouldn't have done pre-lockdown. I not only cancelled the request but blocked him so I can't ever look him up again. As someone said he's quite clearly rejected me by not accepting the request which I sent on Friday. I tried to convince myself he hadn't seen it. This is a neon flashing light of how I'm embarrassing myself by having a crush on him and it's definitely poured cold water on it. I don't see him much anyway considering we live a few doors away and I will avoid him.
I am having a mid-life crisis I think. I'm done having kids and I was looking to go back to work but the pandemic has put my plans on hold for the foreseeable. I feel in a weird limbo and like I can't look forward to anything. I don't know what's next and I feel like being in my 30's I'm still young and I want to make the most of it and have fun but it's not happening. I'm not sure if anyone else feels like this, but I miss being desirable as well?
DH knows how I feel, I didn't tell him about the crush but did say his lack of effort and intimacy was making me crave the attention of other men. He understood but I don't think he's in a great place atm either, so a lot of work needs doing all round.

Hopefully the Facebook thing is embarrassing enough to snap you back to reality. And if that isn’t - Consider he may well be discussing this with his wife. That’s going to make for an awkward neighbourhood going forward.

@haveyoutriedgoogle he's invited me round pre-lockdown to look at his extension while his wife was out. I don't think he's a loyal saint who tells his wife everything. I'm sure inviting me in was him being neighbourly and not untoward, but not very nice of him to do as I'm pretty sure he knows I like him.
The reason I cane on here was not to peruse an affair but to pour cold water on a developing crush, which you'll be pleased to hear has been achieved!!!

Oh my, you and your dh sound like decent people who are paddling hard to stay afloat. In the hierarchy of needs - shelter, food, and keeping your kids ok definitely come above anything else.
It sounds to me that your dh is spread very thin and his inner resources are spent before he gets past those first three things... and he is doing a great job of prioritising the things that keep body and soul together with the finite resources he has.
Hearing you're being pulled away from him probably dwindled his self esteem and took away even more spring in his step even while he understood why and didn't judge you for it.
You are each others life partner which means that when the going gets tough you battle it together or the wheels come off the wagon. Can you put all this emotional energy into uplifting your dh and helping him feel valued for what he is doing for the family.
None of us, including you of course can uplift ourselves alone, but if you stand shoulder to shoulder with him, you will encourage him and give him the optimism he needs to be able to give some of that back. You get out of things what you put in.
I admire your dh for showing up to his life with you and the kids day after day and showing his love and care as a dad and partner by ensuring his family get what they need. I admire him for keeping going even when he knows his wife would like more.
I admire you op for getting through the daily grind while giving your best, and the tyranny of multiple relentless tedious needs which is three small children in these difficult times.
I hope you can find the will to channel all this desire for something more into making what you have be what it deserves to be and happier than what it is for all involved.

Thank you @HalloumiSalad some wise words. I've done my best to support DH and suggest ways we can improve our relationship but ultimately you can only help yourself to get out of a certain state of mind. As neither of us is feeling particularly good atm it has a knock on effect. If we both work on ourselves I'm sure our relationship would improve.

Wow just read up on limerence and it certainly rings true for me. Can't believe I've never heard about it before! Reading up on it now to see how I can help myself.

I’m not suggesting he’s a loyal saint. But if you’ve crossed a line with him with your flirtation, you can bet your bottom dollar he’s pre emptively had a chat with his wife making you out to be the one pursuing things (true) and him the innocent victim (maybe true, we don’t really know his intentions, only yours)
I’m glad you acknowledge that you and your husband could improve things if you both work on yourselves. Things will never be fixed looking outside your marriage.

It is not limerance. It's boredom.

@haveyoutriedgoogle I know his wife to speak to and she has been friendly to me so I'm pretty sure he's not said anything. I don't think he even told her he invited me in while she was out. He's told me lots of personal things and if I was his wife I wouldn't be too pleased. I've never been outwardly flirty or suggestive with him but I'm sure I've made it obvious in other ways that I like him. I hand on heart am so embarrassed and can honestly say I will not look at him in the same way again. Looking back over the last few years when my crush first started it has only intensified when I've not been satisfied in my own life, which tells me everything. I have enjoyed that dopamine high you get when you fancy someone. I'm still attracted to DH but after many years married and having kids, love doesn't give you that same feeling.
All very interesting when you look into the psychology of why we behave like we do.

he's invited me round pre-lockdown to look at his extension while his wife was out.

Did you post about him before OP? That sounds really familiar.

I'm glad the Facebook thing snapped you out of it somewhat and has encouraged you to reflect on what's going on.

He's told me lots of personal things and if I was his wife I wouldn't be too pleased.

Was he the guy who said that he didn't want them to have the most recent child they had?

@backseatcookers That's the one, well remembered! Lockdown happened the week after he invited me round. Having read up on limerence I can't honestly say whether I've read into things or he has been inappropriate too knowing that I like(d!) him. Not adding me on FB was a clear message anyway and I'm glad for it now. I am committed to re-focusing my energies elsewhere.

Well one thing I think you can say for sure about this guy .... He is indiscreet and disloyal . An absolutely terrible choice of friend let alone anything else . You dodged a bullet with this one.

Please don’t go for a man who has a family and ruin two families, if anything think of the children that would be involved they are the priority. Sounds like it’s due to lockdown, can’t wait for it to be over!! Make a habit of date night at least once a month with your husband or something? Time for just the two of you 💗

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 Yes that's a good way of looking at it! For some reason he has a group of admirers. Some of the mum's at my DC's nursery were laughing and giggling the other day and when I asked why they were saying they fancy this guy (they are actually good friends with his wife unlike me and he's accepted them as friends on FB😂). I didn't say anything and the less said about him from now on the better!

@milcmxxx I'm honestly not looking to have an affair, I've just had a crush that's got out of hand but thankfully I've been aware as to why. Will have to speak to DH again about our relationship🙁

Ugh @angelofmum do you know why I remembered that with barely any detail in this thread?

Because he sounded like such a massive twat and you sounded so starry eyed! Honestly, he's an arsehole.

Imagine telling someone you don't know well that your child wasn't wanted by you.

Seriously.

Think about how much of a cunt that makes him.

It worries me that despite that you still have this huge crush. Really worrying for your sense of what is appropriate or attractive about your interactions with this man and that you've continued to pursue the idea of connecting with him more, like the friend request you sent.

He's skin crawlingly horrible and you're being complicit in him being that way if you continue to engage with him other than a hello here and there,

@backseatcookers I guess a crush is a fantasy and you don't focus on that person's negative points🤷‍♀️I think that's pretty common!

I disagree. If their negative points are that they are a disloyal arsehole who has conversations like that, I think for most people it's hard to continue that crush.

If they have annoying habits or lesser character flaws then yeah maybe people look past it.

Someone who would say that about their child, to a woman they don't know that well? Wouldn't matter how much I fancied someone, I wouldn't fancy them anymore. Even if I was really unhappy in my relationship and had previously fantasised about the guy.

Imagine your husband saying he didn't want one of your kids, to a woman he didn't know well. And that woman then friend requesting him and having a huge crush on him. What would you think about her?

This isn't me trying to kick you when you're down, I'm trying to confront you with the fact that it's not a normal response to how he has behaved and so I think there's more work to do on yourself than you realise.

Just a thought , could you send a Facebook request to a few other people you don't know that well. If it's ever brought up about the request you can say it was you trying to be more community minded and brought on by all the lockdown madness that's going on , he was one of many ?

You can even create it as a new narrative in your head ... Cause that's what you were really trying to do, wasn't it ? Just an idea . It's what I would do.

@backseatcookers I think you're remembering bits of a conversation I relayed but you weren't there. He had lost his job and was worried about having another child, it wasn't planned and I can understand why he was unhappy at the time. I agree telling me about it was disloyal and not on.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 I don't think he'll bring it up with me and I'm planning to not speak to him or see him if possible. Recently it's just been hi and goodbye so the less I see and speak to him the better🙂

Obviously I wasn't there. It was disloyal and inappropriate as you say.

His reasons behind not being prepared for their most recent child are immaterial in my opinion.

The point I made in my post was that he said those things to a woman he doesn't know well. I said that repeatedly.

He wouldn't be an arsehole to discuss his concerns with a close friend.

He was an arsehole to discuss them with you.

As you say, your stance on that is still clouded by your crush. I hope you manage to stop it continuing and focus on yourself and working out what to do to make you happy.

Yes , the issue with him being upset about an unplanned pregnancy isn't important. It's that he told someone he doesn't know very well private details of his family . Best case he's indiscreet and disloyal , worst case he was showing you that his marriage is struggling and inviting you to take advantage of that . He's not a nice person. I think you're doing right to avoid him .