Crush getting out of control...

[angelofmum]

I'm finding lockdown really hard as I imagine a lot of people are. There are benefits to it like DH working from home (although he is very busy) and we've had some good times together as a family. However, as time is going on and things are looking even more uncertain especially with schools going back (I have 3 young DC) I find myself feeling an overwhelming sense of despair.
To cut to the chase I've had a harmless crush on a married dad I know for a few years. He lives on my road, so to distract myself from my negative thoughts I've found myself thinking about him more and more. I guess escaping reality for fantasy is more appealing. Now I'm thinking about him all the time and hoping I bump into him for a chat, and when I don't I feel so disappointed. It literally makes my day if I do as otherwise I'm stuck in and it's full on with kids/homeschooling, which isn't exactly riveting.
I know in normal circumstances I wouldn't be like this but lockdown has made me want some excitement. DH works long hours and is tired after working so doesn't have much time for me. I've brought this up with him and he knows it's something he needs to work on.
How do you get over a crush like this? I feel like my crush on this guy is one of the only things making me feel alive at the moment.

Wow. Your husband's a lucky guy.

This is supposed to be a non-judgemental space. I'm being honest...
Thank you for the harsh words I needed to hear it and I don't want to have an affair. I'm missing something in my life and latching on to this guy as a means of giving me some excitement. I will cancel the FB request now and avoid him at all costs. I do feel stupid and I'm sure he thinks I've made it obvious that I like him.

I'm not even that old but no fool like an old fool. Believe me reading through your comments I do feel extremely foolish. FB request has been cancelled. Whether he didn't add me intentionally or he just doesn't go on there, there isn't any benefit from me being friends with him so I'm glad I've done it now.

Please don't beat yourself up... we all crave sexual excitement and when our home life lacks it, it can be frustrating and our thoughts may wander!

You sound very clued up and aware of your feelings - so please ignore some of the previous posters telling you to grow up (how judgmental!!!!!!)

Op, You need to read some realistic car crash scenarios of affairs that have gone wrong and the fall out to families, children discovering lies and people's trust trampled upon. I was talking to a friend today in tears after her affair has crashed and burned.
OP, you sound bored. That's fair enough. Have the fantasy in your head. But keep it in your head. Don't transgress. It's honestly not worth it. Find a job, do a course, speak honestly to your husband, revive your sex life, anything but the path you are toptoeing along now.

This is supposed to be a non-judgemental space
🤣

Your poor husband. Having a crush is one thing and then trying to start something with a married guy is quite another. Put that energy into your husband or leave.

@2020canfuckoff I reiterate that this should be a non judgemental space and if you're unable to offer advice without judging then stick to reading messages rather than replying!

I think you've mistaken an online forum for a therapy session, love...

@Dappledsunlight @itsallgitsandshiggles Thank you, I definitely needed to hear some of what's being said. I knew this was a crush getting out of hand in the daydreaming sense, and having an affair wasn't what I was after. It was some male attention and excitement but I know it was wrong to think about this guy so much, which is why I asked for advice. I will have to talk to DH again about our relationship and what we can do to improve the situation we're in.

@2020canfuckoff you sound like you're the one that needs therapy. Poor you!

@2020canfuckoff Being harsh is fine in a constructive way, but you did it in a mocking way so don't bother offering advice on a public forum in future if you can't differentiate between the two.

Op, do you want people to tell you what you wish to hear or you want the harsh truth?

Grass is not always greener on the other side. Your issues are fixable. Perhaps you DH could reduce his working hours - that is, if there won't be financial consequences. You could hire domestic help so you could at least spend some more time together when he is not working? Stress kills everything and it's obvious his high pressured job is affecting him too. Affairs hardly end well.

Just curious why it's a "crush" for women but an "emotional affair" for men.

Isn't an emotional affair a two way thing? So it's an affair but not in the physical sense. A crush is usually one sided and not always reciprocated as in my case.

Just to say , you say that you're behind the kids in the pecking order of you husbands affections . My first instinct was to say "of course you are , that's only right " , but if there's nothing left for you then that obviously isn't right.

You have three kids , ( I could never have three kids wow) , that's a lot of stress . There's a kind of saying isn't there ... The wife looks after the children and the husband looks after the wife ... (Obviously the wife takes care of the husband too). Maybe if you talked to your husband and framed it like that... If you got time and affection you are more able to take care of the kids? I don't know . But you have a lot of stress and no one looking out for you , i can imagine that would get very , very lonely .

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10

Not advice, a warning. I'm not advocating she pursues this, I'm warning her how easily a simple crush can become an affair. Adding on Facebook is a minor thing, but as soon as virtual communications are open, it's a one way ticket to hell.

Read up on Limerence OP, it might help you understand what you're going through. It did me! I'm through it now.

[quote whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens]@angelofmum

Same for me - I knew my affair partner for years, lots of "hi, how are you?" over the years.... then out of nowhere, I saw him in a new light. I decided to push the interactions further and it just seemed to blossom. I pursued him, and he didn't resist.[/quote]
I'm not trying to be difficult , but that doesn't sound like a warning to me . That sounds like the beginning of a bad romance novel. And , honestly, saying that you pursued him and he didn't resist .. is he married , or are you ? Because , framing it like that isn't great.

Instead of obsessing about this other man who had his own marriage and family to worry about at this time why not try and tackle the elephant in the room? I.e. that your DH's work-life balance is shit and it is damaging your relationship.

Ive had crushes so intense they've almost occupied my mind all day....but they do pass! Just dont act on it. If he accepts your friend request I would advise hiding him from your news feed. Eventually out of sight will = out of mind.

I definitely had crushes in my teens and yes they preoccupied my mind 24/7. Rather glad that stage is over now.

OP I think this is almost a midlife crisis for you. You’re 35, you’re body knows your fertility will soon be on the wane, you’re looking around at your life and wondering if this is it? It’s all completely natural.

You’re obviously not happy in your marriage. If I were you I would try and pinpoint exactly what’s making you dissatisfied and talk to your husband about it. Even admit the crush! That’s the quickest way to throw cold water in it You don’t have to admit who it is, you could make someone up if you need to. But say that you are starting to think about other men and you’re concerned it could be the death null for your marriage, then see if your husband can muster up some attention for you. If he can’t then that speaks volumes all on its own.

I feel like my crush on this guy is one of the only things making me feel alive at the moment.

Are there some pleasurable activities you could do? You could make sure you do something you enjoy every day. Write down things you enjoy and do them.

Having a man as the only thing that makes life exciting is not a good place to be.

I reiterate that this should be a non judgemental space

Are you new here?

OP, it's very natural to get such crushes. Especially when we might feel slightly "trapped" in our domestic situation. Good idea to check out limerence. Also, just use that fantasy to help you. If it helps you through a bad patch, fair enough. But keep in mind it's just a fantasy. Imagine this neighbourhood dad being a pain in the backside, not helping with chores etc. Try to challenge your fantasy with a few realistic images. The fantasy will die down. In the meantime, try to take some time to write down what is your ideal outome: more time to yourself, a holiday, a job, professional training? The fantasy could be a way of knocking on your door to wake you up to unmet needs in other forms. You could get attention and rewards from these other areas. Good luck.

@angelofmum I've had crushes over the years and they do pass. Been with my husband since I was 17 and now 41 with 3DD's. I've had a crush on guys at work, the guy who works in the supermarket etc but once they have passed I wonder why I ever had a crush on them. Similar to you, my current crush is a guy who has just moved into my street with his partner, I worked with this guy 20 years ago. We were close at work but nothing ever happened as I was with my now husband. We are friends on facebook. I hadn't thought about him for years but since he moved into the street I'm constantly thinking about him, wondering what life would like if I'd chosen him. I think it is boredom of lockdown, stuck at home all day with my 3DD's age 12, 6 and 1, DH is a key worker so working all day he comes home and I go to work for a few hours. We've had our issues over the years and more so lately but trying to sort them out. In a couple of months time you and me will wonder why we ever had a crush on these guys, meantime just keep it as a fantasy until it passes and that way no one gets hurt

Is this supposed to be a non-judgemental space? I haven't read that before. It's an online forum. Nothing non-judgemental about it.

You posted about having a crush which is what it is, then progressed into basically asking for advice on how to start an affair! What planet are you on?

He's, thankfully for your husband, not into you.