Am I in a casual relationship?

[Anonymouslady88]

Desperately in need of some advice. I have been seeing this guy on/off for 9 years. In the very beginning it was just no strings casual sex, nothing more. He started seeing someone and it got serious but we still carried on as we were. It should have stopped there (I know that) After a while I realised I had feelings for him. I tried to put some distance between us and got in to a relationship of my own. We stayed friends, met for coffees now and again but on the odd occasion we couldn't help ourselves. His relationship didn't work out, he met someone else and while all this went on we stayed in touch as friends and became rather close. My relationship wasn't going well, his one ended badly and he was very hurt. I tried to be there for him and over time we were drawn back to each other. This is a few years down the line now. We both confessed to feelings for each other and began seeing each other again only this time we'd meet for dinners, occasional hotels and we'd talk relatively often. He done a short stint in prison and we'd frequently write to each other, we were able to express ourselves more openly and realised after a while that the feelings we had were increasing, letters signed off love you etc. He has been out of prison 16 months now and ever since he has been out we have spoken every single day, non stop txts, hours on end phone calls, video calls, we spend nights together, go out for dinners, drinks, cinema, he comes round to my house and we both have confessed that we are in love with each other, we tell each other we miss each other, the sex is mindblowing and there is so much chemistry between us its unreal. On a negative note, we argue often, disagree often and have come close to ending whatever this is.This is where it gets messed up. He has told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He is adamant this is a casual relationship. I on the otherhand have told him he is already doing what he claims he doesn't want. I've said this feels exactly like a relationship but just living apart. So this is where the advice is needed guys. What do you think? Does this sound like a casual relationship to you? Or does this sound like an actual relationship? This is the question I desperately need to hear peoples opinions on.

Why doesn't he want a relationship with you but he did with other women?

It's been a bit of a difficult situation. Mutual people between us might get hurt. However when he got out of prison he did say maybe we should just tell people and I said I didn't think it was right then. But that was 16 months ago. Now its like he's done a complete u-turn but we are still in the same situation. Talk every day, speak on the phone almost daily for hours and see each other when we can.

This will probably come across as really judgemental (I'm sorry) but what on earth was he doing in prison? It just doesn't bode well tbh. It sounds like he sort of cares for you but not in a proper respectful way. Also how do you know there aren't others like you? If he's lied to others?
Even if it's not his fault and he's a decent person, he isn't going to be able to have a proper relationship with you.

How would he feel if you started a relationship with someone else and couldn't 'be there' for him anymore? He doesn't sound like a keeper tbh but I understand how attached you'll be after 9 years.

Why does it matter to you what kind of relationship you/other people think you're in over the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? What anyone here thinks won't change how he feels.

Just cut your losses.

He is just taking the best bits of your life away really and isn’t prepared to give you much in return
He isn’t worth this upset

There's definitely not others, I'm 100% certain of that. He literally txts me first thing in the morning before he goes to work, all throughout the day and as soon as he's home and had a shower we are video calling sometimes for hours, that's if he doesn't come to see me. I had a recent bereavement in the family and he has been my rock, held me while I've cried, supported me and always makes sure I'm ok.There's no possible way he would be seeing someond else and I trust him. Sometimes it actually feels like we are married 😂 But I am wondering myself now... why is he saying he doesn't want a relationship when it pretty much seems like we are having one

You could ask him?

He is keeping his options open and stringing you along until he meets someone else.

He said he just wants an easy life. I do know that if we become official there will be aggravation and mutual people will not be happy. We had butted heads a few times because when we have spoke about it and he's said he doesn't want to be in a relationship I'm trying to explain to him that that is exactly what we have been doing for the last 16 months. But maybe I have rose coloured glasses on because I really love him.

This isn’t a relationship at all; it’s just convenience for him. Think about the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed about. You won’t be able to move on and find that relationship while you’re still involved with this man. Also, the prison thing would be a hard no from me.

This is a faux-relationship. You are his faux-girlfriend while he keeps his opinions open. If you want more then accept it's not going to happen with him.

He's told you it's casual so you have to prepare yourself that he could find someone else to be in relationship with once again.
I expect you maybe the only one for now but the reason he's told you it's casual is because he wants to keep his options open.
If he really wanted you he wouldn't worry about mutual knowing people unless he already is involved with someone still.
Being an ex con he's probably not the most moral person.

My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me something different. I'm so torn

Maybe you're right

Honesty I know you love this man but he really isn't deserving of it. Putting all your love into him your wasting time and could find someone with mutual love that wants a relationship with you, raise your self esteem and stop being with bad men like this.

So you have spent 9 years with this guy screwing him when he has been having relationships with other women ? His declarations started to crank up when he was in prison ? He's told you it's casual ....what don't you understand here ?

OP you have seriously low standards on men. Run.

I was in a messy situation for years. From experience- leave. You will resent your decision to stay the longer this goes on. It's a fantasy. He said he does not want you which hurts but it's the truth. Be kind to yourself and leave. It's the best decision you will ever make. Believe me.

"He's told you it's casual so you have to prepare yourself that he could find someone else to be in relationship with once again.
I expect you maybe the only one for now but the reason he's told you it's casual is because he wants to keep his options open.
If he really wanted you he wouldn't worry about mutual knowing people unless he already is involved with someone still."

This. OP - I can see how this must be a very painful and frustrating position to be in but it all sounds a bit Romeo and Juliet. Perhaps I'm being overly simplistic but assuming you are both single, who else would really be entitled to be so hurt and offended that you are now together that you cannot publicly declare your coupledom? But the bottom line is, it seems that mutual people's feelings are more important than making your relationship official. And he's saying it's casual so that despite all the connections you have between you, you can't complain if he goes off with someone else.

You've given him 9 years. Given the feelings you describe, I suspect that with him on the scene - giving you enough to keep hold of you but not actually committing to you - you will find it hard to move on but do you really want to give him another 9 years? And then find he moves on to another woman anyway? He's been able to do that in the past despite the connection between you and he's planning to do it again - hence the insistence on this being casual.

You've said your head knows what to do. Of course, it will be very painful to end the relationship to start with - and you'll need to get through that - but it also sounds like you're coming to the end of your ability to expend so much energy and emotion on someone who won't commit to you and that you're starting to envisage a future without him in it. You don't mention your age or whether or not you would like to have children, but perhaps you have an eye to your fertility window also. This guy is preventing you getting on with your life and having a meaningful relationship with someone else. It sounds like it's time for that and like you're ready.

He is stringing you along and doesn't want to commit to you. That isn't going to change. If you're happy with that then fine, but it doesn't sound as if you are.

I would recommend going cold turkey, OP. You're in love with him and he is happy to leave you uncertain, while he repeatedly gets into relationships with other people. During which he continues to see you. Do you really want a relationship with someone who does that?

I had a friend in exactly this situation. It span out for years and years. she was convinced there would be some happy ending and they were romantically meant for each other once a few obstacles had been navigated and he had grown up a bit.

Turned out he had exactly the same going on with another woman who he had a baby with. my friend was broken but still continued to waste her time on him, lapping up his excuses. All the while he really, really enjoyed the drama and attention. He considered himself far too good for either of them despite being a violent criminal.

I don't know whether you have a family, want a family, how old you are (I'm guessing early 30s from your username) but it does sound as though you want love and genuine companionship. Don't waste your time on this man. To his credit he has said he cannot offer you a relationship. Listen to this and believe it.

Sometimes I do wonder if he's stringing me along if I'm completely honest 😔 but I know he loves me and I guess that's what makes it hard for me. If I didn't think he did, I'd have walked away long ago.

It sounds like he just doesn't want to bother looking for another woman-on-the-side, which he will have to do if he starts a relationship with you. His best bet is to kill some time with you whilst he's single and keep you hanging as an already built-in woman-on-the-side for when he finds someone he does want to pursue a relationship with.

I'm sorry OP but it looks like you have been type-cast as the other woman. He doesn't see you as someone to have a real relationship with.

Have you ever watched the film "He's just not that in to you" OP? That is exactly what's happening here.

You're not his big love. You're his bit of convenience who is willing to put up with literally anything.
Other girlfriends, prison stints, illegal activity etc.
When no other mug will, you will. Until something better comes along then he drops you onto the back-burner.
Have some pride and self respect.