Am I in a casual relationship?

[Anonymouslady88]

Desperately in need of some advice. I have been seeing this guy on/off for 9 years. In the very beginning it was just no strings casual sex, nothing more. He started seeing someone and it got serious but we still carried on as we were. It should have stopped there (I know that) After a while I realised I had feelings for him. I tried to put some distance between us and got in to a relationship of my own. We stayed friends, met for coffees now and again but on the odd occasion we couldn't help ourselves. His relationship didn't work out, he met someone else and while all this went on we stayed in touch as friends and became rather close. My relationship wasn't going well, his one ended badly and he was very hurt. I tried to be there for him and over time we were drawn back to each other. This is a few years down the line now. We both confessed to feelings for each other and began seeing each other again only this time we'd meet for dinners, occasional hotels and we'd talk relatively often. He done a short stint in prison and we'd frequently write to each other, we were able to express ourselves more openly and realised after a while that the feelings we had were increasing, letters signed off love you etc. He has been out of prison 16 months now and ever since he has been out we have spoken every single day, non stop txts, hours on end phone calls, video calls, we spend nights together, go out for dinners, drinks, cinema, he comes round to my house and we both have confessed that we are in love with each other, we tell each other we miss each other, the sex is mindblowing and there is so much chemistry between us its unreal. On a negative note, we argue often, disagree often and have come close to ending whatever this is.This is where it gets messed up. He has told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He is adamant this is a casual relationship. I on the otherhand have told him he is already doing what he claims he doesn't want. I've said this feels exactly like a relationship but just living apart. So this is where the advice is needed guys. What do you think? Does this sound like a casual relationship to you? Or does this sound like an actual relationship? This is the question I desperately need to hear peoples opinions on.

He might love you but he has been clear he doesn't want a relationship with you.

What's important is how love manifests and whether that is in line with what you want. I would say 9 years is plenty long enough to take him at his word when he says he wants a casual relationship only.

if you're happy with that, fine. But it doesn't sound as though it is what you want. In which case you need to decide whether you will ever regret sacrificing a committed relationship, marriage, children (if applicable) for this. You can find love again. Nearly everyone has a 'one that got away' who they would have loved to be with if circumstances were a bit different.

However, you won't get these years back and it doesn't sound as though much is going to change.

Sounds like he's got the best of all worlds really, and while you carry on as you are there's no real reason for him to change things is there. Got all the benefits of a relationship with you but wait... No commitment! Perfect for him really. You need to raise the bar. Hard, but I'd walk away.

He really does doesn't he? 🤔 I feel like such a fool

Don't let him take any more of your time, 9 years is long enough, you need to take back control.

9 years!

Jeez, stop all contact with him and raise your bar for relationships!

We haven't been continuously been seeing each other for 9 years. We both have had relationships in between but yes its a long time 😔

He’s keeping his options open so he can meet someone else.

If he wanted to be with you, he would.
There is no other explanation.

I think I need to end whatever this is. Its been a bit of an eye opener reading all of these messages 😔😢 I need to let him go

"I think I need to end whatever this is. Its been a bit of an eye opener reading all of these messages 😔😢 I need to let him go"

Yes, you do. This man's wasted enough of your time and energy. Cut him loose. It will hurt at first and probably for a while but we can all guarantee that the pain of cutting him loose will pass. The pain of finding yourself still in this same, dangling position 9 years from now and realising you have wasted practically a further decade on this man - and perhaps lost the chance to have children - that pain and the associated regrets would probably continue to hurt forever.

You need to go no contact for a good chunk of time to start your healing process. He will probably resist that. Hopefully you have friends and family IRL who can help you stay strong because the sooner you get through this, the sooner you can be on the road to finding yourself and then finding a man who loves you enough to commit to you. Keep posting here too for support.

Btw - the highs and lows of the kind of relationship you've had with this man can be addictive. As part of moving on, you might find it helpful to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Good luck.

Thank you

Why did he go to prison? How long did he serve? Did he commit the crime while you knew him? If so, why didn't you dump him at that point?

He's not a nice man OP. He's a criminal who's used you for sex for years.

He has told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He is adamant this is a casual relationship. I on the otherhand have told him he is already doing what he claims he doesn't want. I've said this feels exactly like a relationship but just living apart.

It feels like a relationship to you. It isn't to him. He's told you what he thinks- he's hurting you and he'll carry on hurting you and wasting your time.

He literally txts me first thing in the morning before he goes to work, all throughout the day

I was seeing a married man and he was chatting like this to several women - for some men trying to get laid is a full time job.

And yes, narcissists and wankers will date you etc, to keep their supply (your sex, attention, whatever they're getting out of it.)

Sometimes it actually feels like we are married

Oh OP, it feels like that to you. To him it's no strings or whatever casual means to him (you could ask him.)

But maybe I have rose coloured glasses on because I really love him.

Yes, you are deluding yourself and seeing what you want to see. Take him at his word.

What is this aggro there might be if you got together? Is it related to him being a criminal/chav and knowing other rough people? What do your loved ones think of him? (They're usually right in my experience.)

know he loves me

No, you don't, that's just something he's said a few times. Twats say all sorts of things to get what they want. How he's treated you over the years says otherwise.

I feel like such a fool

Be proud of yourself that you've realized his game now, and block him. It seems impossible if someone's been a part of your life, but it's so nice to get rid of someone who's messing you around.

To him you’re an ego boost when he wants it and an easy option. He’ll find someone else again sooner or later. If you go cold turkey from him you’ll be thanking yourself a year or two down the line, when you’ve found someone who thinks you’re amazing enough to commit to.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

He has said several times that it's only a casual relationship to him. Believe him.

He sounds awful. You deserve so much better.

Don’t waste any more of your life on him op 💚

Thank you

What do you think? Does this sound like a casual relationship to you? Or does this sound like an actual relationship?

There isn't a checklist of what makes an 'actual relationship' or not.

You're asking a question that is irrelevant.

Surely THE most important thing if you want a definition of a relationship is that both parties believe they are in one!!

This situation has frankly gone from him being a dick to you willingly humiliating yourself.

Why would he change this situation. He gets the benefits of a relationship and gets the benefits of not being in one.

This sounds harsh but it's tipping into being embarrassing and a reflection of you as much as him.

You're in control of your own life. Stop being passive and looking for it to be official when he does not want it to!

There's no possible way he would be seeing someond else and I trust him.

Again this is going to sound harsh but if you believe that then think of it this way. You say this as if it means he does feel strongly about you. However, what it actually means is that he doesn't even want to be with other people, he just doesn't want to be with you.

Nine years of your life on and off?

Come on, time to move on.

Have you ever ended it with him during the 9 years OP?

Yes I have. When he wanted us to go public and I wasn't sure it was the right time(roughly a year ago) , I told him I wasn't even sure I wanted this and he asked me to meet to talk and he cried said he didn't wanna loose me. I said ok we can just see how it goes and now its like he's done a complete u-turn. Thats what I don't understand.

Definitely a commit-a-phobe imo. They don't want to commit but can't stand it when you walk away, they chase when you do then back off when you try to get close again. Ball's in your court OP, you have to decide if you can tolerate this for the foreseeable as I don't think he'll change.