Am I in a casual relationship?

[Anonymouslady88]

Desperately in need of some advice. I have been seeing this guy on/off for 9 years. In the very beginning it was just no strings casual sex, nothing more. He started seeing someone and it got serious but we still carried on as we were. It should have stopped there (I know that) After a while I realised I had feelings for him. I tried to put some distance between us and got in to a relationship of my own. We stayed friends, met for coffees now and again but on the odd occasion we couldn't help ourselves. His relationship didn't work out, he met someone else and while all this went on we stayed in touch as friends and became rather close. My relationship wasn't going well, his one ended badly and he was very hurt. I tried to be there for him and over time we were drawn back to each other. This is a few years down the line now. We both confessed to feelings for each other and began seeing each other again only this time we'd meet for dinners, occasional hotels and we'd talk relatively often. He done a short stint in prison and we'd frequently write to each other, we were able to express ourselves more openly and realised after a while that the feelings we had were increasing, letters signed off love you etc. He has been out of prison 16 months now and ever since he has been out we have spoken every single day, non stop txts, hours on end phone calls, video calls, we spend nights together, go out for dinners, drinks, cinema, he comes round to my house and we both have confessed that we are in love with each other, we tell each other we miss each other, the sex is mindblowing and there is so much chemistry between us its unreal. On a negative note, we argue often, disagree often and have come close to ending whatever this is.This is where it gets messed up. He has told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He is adamant this is a casual relationship. I on the otherhand have told him he is already doing what he claims he doesn't want. I've said this feels exactly like a relationship but just living apart. So this is where the advice is needed guys. What do you think? Does this sound like a casual relationship to you? Or does this sound like an actual relationship? This is the question I desperately need to hear peoples opinions on.

It would definately seem that way. I can't help but wonder what would of happened when he did want us to go public. But I thought it was too soon then and now it would appear that he's being a dick

He would've been a dick sooner or later. Why change the habit of a lifetime?

In fact, he is a dick.

All those years seeing him? Why would it have been too soon to go public though?

He hadn't been out of prison that long. He became so overly affectionate and I didn't quite know how to deal with it. I guess I wanted a bit more time to make sure if it was the right thing or not. We have got closer since then but he's just being a bit of a dick about this relationship thing. Maybe I should just call his bluff. Sit him down talk to him and tell him I'm prepared to walk away. I don't know what to do for the best. We have been in each others lives for so long its kinda hard imagining him not being in it.

There's no possible way he would be seeing someond else and I trust him.

Again this is going to sound harsh but if you believe that then think of it this way. You say this as if it means he does feel strongly about you. However, what it actually means is that he doesn't even want to be with other people, he just doesn't want to be with you.

I posted this earlier OP and I think you need to face up to it - he has outright told you he doesn't view this as an official relationship.

Why on earth are you humiliating yourself like this? It's chipping away at your self esteem every day. You need to end this, it's madness.

I presume he used to be in a relationship with one of the OPs relatives.

No it is the other way round in fact.

Maybe I do. My head tells me that often enough

Haha yes he is.

I think you're beating yourself up a bit thinking that if you'd made a different decision last year you could have had the relationship you wanted? Well, I doubt it. Like others have said he's VERY keen when others desert him or are unavailable (when in prison and just out) and he's so complacent now. Maybe he's got another prospect on the horizon.

The horrible thing is he's telling you this is a casual relationship so that if he shags someone else or even starts a "proper" relationship with someone else, you can't complain (he thinks) because he's been "honest". That's what he's working towards isn't it.

I know you have a lot of history and if you/he have cheated on partners with each other over the years maybe it feel like you only have each other (because other people think it was a shit thing to do) and you've bonded due to that. But the bottom line is, he doesn't want to be your partner or husband. He's said so - you can't be plainer. Whether he loves you or is great at sex etc etc etc - he doesn't want to be with you. That's the only thing you need to know.

Meanwhile he's taking up your partner space and preventing you finding someone who loves you properly and without all this baggage and mixed messages. There will be a nice man out there. He's not a nice man.

Just a quick update, I had it out with him over lock down and gave him the option of you're all in or out, no in between anymore. We had a heart to heart and have decided to give it a real go, commit fully. So far so good. He's been attentive, caring and loving. He looked after me after a recent operation I had and we're happy. Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice.

@Anonymouslady88

Just a quick update, I had it out with him over lock down and gave him the option of you're all in or out, no in between anymore. We had a heart to heart and have decided to give it a real go, commit fully. So far so good. He's been attentive, caring and loving. He looked after me after a recent operation I had and we're happy. Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice.

I remember this thread well and almost every single persons advice was to end things with this man because he had treated you so badly and showed so little care - all the while being on and off. That had been the case for nine years when you posted in June. I really hope you haven't given up too much to be with him as it seems desperately unlikely he will have changed permanently. Fingers crossed there aren't children involved in the fallout if it does go wrong and I hope whatever happens you come out of it OK

Reading this thread for the first time not realising it was old. I was about to type out a response suggesting you give him an ultimatum that he's fully in or you're fully out but it seems you did exactly that.

I am very happy you had the desired outcome. How are your mutual people reacting?

Fingers crossed it all continues to go well. I hope the operation was nothing serious. But remember - no matter how nice he's been if he starts messing you about again just walk.

Long may it continue OP