Looked on bf phone. Now what.??

[Sandrawatson1]

I have been with my bf for a year now. I met him almost 2 yrs ago when I was still married. I split from my husband last January and we officially got together last summer.
He is very emotionally unavailable and I am the complete opposite. It was a struggle at the beginning of lockdown not seeing each other for a month but then we decided I could go and spend the weekend. I’ve been to his every weekend for the past month and also sometimes to cook dinner in the week. He never leaves his phone laying around, even taking it to the bathroom with him. I woke up this morning and couldn’t help myself. I looked when he was in the shower.
He has been messaging a girl for a while on and off, with mundane things like what we chat about, day to day stuff but also about hooking up. This was in May. They have late night messages too. It transpired they never actually met up but he was thinking about it. By the sounds of it they used to meet up but she wanted more (to be his gf) but he didn’t want that. She has said she won’t meet as she likes him too much and doesn’t want to get hurt again. But I feel sick and so hurt by these messages. I thought we were getting serious. Confronting him isn’t an option. He would never forgive me looking at his phone. I just don’t know how to proceed. To ask how he feels.? What he wants? He is very food at not answering questions.
Please help :-(

Well you can't trust him but don't want to confront him either. What do you want us to suggest?

If you're subtle about asking him so you don't let on you've snooped you'll never know if he's lying or not.

If it were me, I'd get my things and walk out right now tbh.

What can he say really though? The proof is there right infront of you, he is inappropriately messaging another woman, that's not the actions of someone who is in a committed relationship

Ask not what he wants but what you want instead.

He clearly is not the man you thought he was or is and you now need to be on your own to decide what you want for your own self going forward. Love your own self for a change.

You had your suspicions re this man; he kept his phone on him at all times, even taking it into the bathroom.

Why did you at all get with this man, someone whom you yourself describe as emotionally unavailable, in the first place when you are the opposite?. Opposites do not always attract.

I know I should be strong enough to walk away.. I really wish I was. And any of my friends in this situation I would do just that.!

So why can't you walk away?. What is keeping you there with this man now?.

And why a namechange?.

I was going through a difficult period with my husband and he made me feel good again (such a cliche.!) I love the time we spend together and we always have such fun. The sex is good and I give him attention, I don’t know why he would want something from someone else.
I know I sound like a pathetic little girl and just saying it out loud to you guys just confirms this.
I’m so torn...

@AttilaTheMeerkat I used a conspicuous name to start but then thought I’d be a little more creative. I’m a newbie ;-)

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know that’s what I need to do. Be more assertive. Tell him what I want and see if that’s what we wants too, if not at least I know.

It's a shock but he's emotionally unavailble to you - red flag and you have the evidence that he wants to hook up with another woman, if you ignore this it's going too become a reality or he will find someone that will.

I guess you checked his phone because something was telling you it's not right and it isn't.

A year is quite a long time - certainly long enough for someone to know if the relationship has a future or not.

I would do what was suggested and think hard about what you want out of a relationship. And then think honestly - are you getting it from him.

Don’t kid yourself things / he will change.

If you wanted to start a discussion with him about it, but didn’t want him to know you’ve gone through his phone, I would have the - where is this going / how do you feel about me / boundaries - are we in agreement about what is cheating etc.

You’re only hope is that he admits to the texts etc, and vows to change. But don’t hold out hope for that.

You are on a winner to nowhere with this one, I’m afraid. Cut your losses. Emotionally unavailable men do not change. I speak from experience. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking if you can hang in there for x years then that will somehow equate to a more serious committed relationship. It won’t.

Go find someone you can have a better relationship with.

He's not serious partner material if he was happy to have an affair with you while you were married. Sounds like he was your exit affair and he likes chasing unavailable women

Walk away, tell him it’s over and don’t tell him why. Just say you don’t feel it’s working.

Find someone better! Good luck x

Sounds like a womaniser and an asshole.
Why anyone would want to be with someone like that is beyond me.

I mean this kindly but you are your own worst enemy here and you do sound pathetic.

You've gone from one probably poor relationship straight into another and without overlap. You do not know what you want and you chose this man to be with also poorly. If he can do this one time he could all too easily do this again. If there is no trust there is no relationship and trust once broken is nigh on impossible to repair.

Have a read of the Baggage Reclaim website; it may help you a bit.

Love your own self for a change and do not date or have another relationship for the time being; you need to be on your own and love your own self for a change. You do not need a man to validate you.

What exactly do you want to hear OP? What do you want us to say?

You asked what next ....

Well you either carry on seeing him & now you know what to expect as you've found out what he is up to ...

Or you just walk away with your self respect & dignity intact.

You can't make him commit nor can you 'fix' this/him.

It's up to you!

This man was likely your exit affair from your troubled marriage but emotionally unavailable men are in themselves bad news too. You basically went from the frying pan into the fire and now he has shown you who he really is (a womaniser and someone who really does not respect women at all). You cannot unsee what you have seen here and he keeping his phone on him at all times aroused your suspicions.

Rebuild your life without this man in it; you owe yourself that much at least.

You have to do one of two things;

A) Admit you went through his phone, confront him with what you found. Demand answers.

B) Never admit you went through his phone, never trust him again, stay with him and resent him forever or leave him without explaining why.

I know it's going to be so so difficult to tell him what you've done, but you will never know if the relationship is worth fighting for if you don't confront him. Do you even want it to work after finding this out?

If yes; You have to tell him that you looked through his phone so you can start re-building the trust, and to reduce risk of resentment settling in.

If no; What do you have to lose? Nothing. Just do it, then leave him. Tell him you deserve better.

There's a lesson here somewhere

Now what? Er, sumo the emotionally unavailable man who’s happy to cheat on you. Next obvious step.

If you stay with him begging for crumbs, you’re deliberately choosing misery because you don’t want to face reality.

Protect yourself, be in your own side, and be strong.

Sumo = dump

The fact you felt the need to look through his phone, clearly means a lack of trust on your point. You've found proof that your lack of trust is justified. So now you walk away.

Tell him what I want and see if that’s what we wants too, if not at least I know.

He’s already made it utterly clear what he was wants: to have his cake and eat it too. You already know that by his actions. Any words from him can’t change that now.

As others have said, the key is what do you want? Or, sadly, what are you willing to put up with?

He’s doing the same thing to you as you did to your husband. What did you expect? It seems that neither one of you are capable of being faithful to your partners.

Surely this is completely cut and dry.
Leave him. If you don't want to admit you looked at him phone just say you don't find him attractive anymore.