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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Looked on bf phone. Now what.??

59 replies

Sandrawatson1 · 08/06/2020 13:41

I have been with my bf for a year now. I met him almost 2 yrs ago when I was still married. I split from my husband last January and we officially got together last summer.
He is very emotionally unavailable and I am the complete opposite. It was a struggle at the beginning of lockdown not seeing each other for a month but then we decided I could go and spend the weekend. I’ve been to his every weekend for the past month and also sometimes to cook dinner in the week. He never leaves his phone laying around, even taking it to the bathroom with him. I woke up this morning and couldn’t help myself. I looked when he was in the shower.
He has been messaging a girl for a while on and off, with mundane things like what we chat about, day to day stuff but also about hooking up. This was in May. They have late night messages too. It transpired they never actually met up but he was thinking about it. By the sounds of it they used to meet up but she wanted more (to be his gf) but he didn’t want that. She has said she won’t meet as she likes him too much and doesn’t want to get hurt again. But I feel sick and so hurt by these messages. I thought we were getting serious. Confronting him isn’t an option. He would never forgive me looking at his phone. I just don’t know how to proceed. To ask how he feels.? What he wants? He is very food at not answering questions.
Please help :-(

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 08/06/2020 14:16

Start seeing other guys.

You just got out of a marriage. Have fun. Don’t tie yourself down and especially to some guy who’s shagging about.

Dery · 08/06/2020 14:16

"I love the time we spend together and we always have such fun. The sex is good and I give him attention, I don’t know why he would want something from someone else."

You say you thought you were getting serious and you have such fun together but also that he's very emotionally unavailable and you are the opposite. So you have fun and are together on his terms, and it seems like his terms involve remaining open to being involved with other women, too. It sounds as if, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to make a serious emotional commitment to you. I'm sure you're lovely but if he's just not feeling it, you can't force him to. Probably all of us have been in the situation of 'just not feeling it' in relation to someone who seems fabulous in every respect and wouldn't it be great if we could just persuade ourselves to feel romantic about them?, and also been the person about whom someone else 'just wasn't feeling it' as much as we were.

You could hang on in there and take what he's offering i.e. keep on having a fun time and good sex with this man and manage without what he's not offering e.g. proper emotional commitment. That might well be quite a healthy thing for you to do if you have been married for a while - after all, why rush into another serious commitment?

Or you could decide that the unrequited element of your feelings makes it too painful for you stay around him. You are actually strong enough to walk away. It will require effort and be painful at first but you can do it if you decide it's easier for you in the long run. Far better to be splendidly single than accompanied by someone who doesn't value you.

AnduinsGirl · 08/06/2020 14:17

@Hatscats is completely right. It's literally the only way you can get out of this while maintaining a scrap of dignity. I don't think you want to do it though, do you... :(

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 15:05

@Hatscats no I don’t want to do it. But I know I have to. I know I can’t change him but I suppose just hoped I could. It just makes me very sad :-(

CorianderLord · 08/06/2020 15:37

He must be very good looking to have women faking all over him when he's so emotionally unavailable. Otherwise can't see why you'd bother

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 15:43

@CorianderLord he is good looking (in my eyes anyway.!) but that’s not what it is about. I think it’s the old thing.. when someone wants you you don’t want them but when they show u no attention it drives you crazy.!
He clearly didn’t want this other women when they were ‘hooking up’ before as she has said in her messages, and with us we’ve had lots of weekends away.. trips abroad, that’s why I feel so confused. It is he wants the comfort and reliability of having a gf but then also wants his fun still.
He has said he wants children but surely he needs to be thinking about settling down for this

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 15:44

It’s so much worse as I’m not currently working and have time on my hands to think about things...

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 15:48

Why would you care if he never forgave you for looking at his phone? He is cheating on you! You looked because you didn't trust him and had a gut instinct, you acted on that instinct and guess what, you were right! Dump him, why would you still want him? He doesn't care about you.

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 15:52

All of this! You don't seem to realise how low a bar you're setting here @Cinders1982?

BumbleBeee69 · 08/06/2020 15:55

Sounds like a womaniser and an asshole.
Why anyone would want to be with someone like that is beyond me.

I have to agree OP... you know you deserve better OP

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 15:58

@backseatcookers I know.!!! And not blowing my own trumpet but I’m a decent catch.! I look after myself, good job, I Cook, bake, am attentive, considerate, and genuinely just go the extra mile. I do think if you took my effort out of the relationship, what would be left.?!
It just breaks my heart...

Crystalspider · 08/06/2020 15:59

Having time to think about it is a blessing, it's giving you clarity.
He really isn't showing any signs of wanting to settlle down even if you tells you this (or he means in 20 years time), imagine having his children and he still wanted his fun, that is too risky.
I think you just have to see him as a bit of excitment and nothing more.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 15:59

Thanks @BumbleBeee69

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 16:02

Did you have an affair with him?

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:06

@Crystalspider I know this is what I should do but I am too involved. My feelings are too strong for him.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:08

@backseatcookers yes. Unfortunately. That should have been my warning sign. We met on a ‘no strings attached’ website.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:09

I have given him plenty of ‘outs’ and made it clear how I feel about him

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 16:10

If he is cheating now when you should be in the honeymoon period of your relationship, than he is not going to be commited years down the line!

You have got to get over your feelings for him, he doesn't care about you at all. Have some self respect, you deserve better than the measly scraps he gives you.

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 16:13

Not really a huge shock then surely?

You were seeking out someone to shag while remaining in your relationship.

On a no strings site.

Turns out he is still seeking out people to shag with no strings.

Your husband probably thought you were "serious" too, as you were married to him while shagging this guy.

I think it’s the old thing.. when someone wants you you don’t want them but when they show u no attention it drives you crazy.!

FYI this isn't a thing for people remotely in the headspace for a healthy relationship.

Based on that and the way you met this guy it sounds like you basically want monogamy unless the other person does too? If the other person "wants you" you want to cheat.

You're not going to be happy in the long run unless you do a lot of work on yourself.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:16

@TippledPink I can see now that it’s just scraps I’m getting, and I am lapping them up.! It helps so much to talk things over on here. I don’t want to involve friends/family they are too close to the situation.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:19

@backseatcookers I appreciate this. Thank you. And I have seen a councillor.
I guess I just don’t want to go back to the mundane life. I love the excitement of my weekends but then feel down when it’s over.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 08/06/2020 16:52

[quote Cinders1982]@backseatcookers yes. Unfortunately. That should have been my warning sign. We met on a ‘no strings attached’ website.[/quote]
FFS....

Grow up....

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 16:56

@cinders1982 I have been in a similar position where he couldn't give me as much as I needed, and eventually decided enough was enough, I deserved better! So ended it. It was hard, I loved him, but I knew he couldn't give me enough and I didn't want that for myself.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 16:58

@TippledPink and now..? How are you feeling about things.? I know I deserve more. But it’s making that cut

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 17:11

Well I didn't want to say as I think I am the exception rather than the rule! I managed 3 months no contact, starting dating others. It was hard, I loved him and cried A LOT but I knew it was the right thing to do, couldn't carry on how we were.

So around 3-4 months after going no contact, I still thought about him and I ended up messaging him one night and we met up and he completely changed, said he realised he couldn't live without me. That was 5 years ago and we are still together and very happy (engaged). BUT there was no messaging other women in my situation, he just had a lot of other stuff going on in his life that meant he couldn't give me the time I needed. If there had been other women that would be a different story!

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