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Looked on bf phone. Now what.??

59 replies

Sandrawatson1 · 08/06/2020 13:41

I have been with my bf for a year now. I met him almost 2 yrs ago when I was still married. I split from my husband last January and we officially got together last summer.
He is very emotionally unavailable and I am the complete opposite. It was a struggle at the beginning of lockdown not seeing each other for a month but then we decided I could go and spend the weekend. I’ve been to his every weekend for the past month and also sometimes to cook dinner in the week. He never leaves his phone laying around, even taking it to the bathroom with him. I woke up this morning and couldn’t help myself. I looked when he was in the shower.
He has been messaging a girl for a while on and off, with mundane things like what we chat about, day to day stuff but also about hooking up. This was in May. They have late night messages too. It transpired they never actually met up but he was thinking about it. By the sounds of it they used to meet up but she wanted more (to be his gf) but he didn’t want that. She has said she won’t meet as she likes him too much and doesn’t want to get hurt again. But I feel sick and so hurt by these messages. I thought we were getting serious. Confronting him isn’t an option. He would never forgive me looking at his phone. I just don’t know how to proceed. To ask how he feels.? What he wants? He is very food at not answering questions.
Please help :-(

OP posts:
Downton57 · 08/06/2020 17:21

What are you feeling torn about? You don't even have to say you looked at his phone. Just leave. You really don't have an alternative if you're looking for a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 17:22

Wow... @TippledPink. Congrats.! Contrary to what it sounds I know he does ‘care about me’. He can be very attentive and thoughtful. But I do think it’s me that puts all the effort in. I know he has separate issues regarding family etc, again I am very close to my family.
It just feels now that I am the safe bet. He’s comfortable with me

Cinders1982 · 08/06/2020 17:23

@Downton57 yep I know that’s what I should be doing.!!!

Downton57 · 08/06/2020 17:28

So why aren't you? There are no small children involved, and I can't imagine another reason why I'd stay with a man who was messaging another woman. From now on every time he's 'thoughtful and attentive' you'll be aware he's no such thing.

VenusTiger · 08/06/2020 17:33

Emotionally unavailable my arse! He's just a liar and keeps his secrets close to his chest - won't open up incase he forgets what he's said and screws it all up.

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 17:45

It just feels now that I am the safe bet.

This is shockingly hypocritical...

Other than the fact the person you cheated with is cheating on you, you say the above when you said yourself when someone wants you (ie they are comfortable / safe) you aren't interested and only like them when they are basically being a dick to you.

Maybe he's the same and only wants people who aren't so desperate for his attention they put up with this shit.

Living for the weekend means you'll spend 5 out of every 7 days unhappy for the rest of your life. And the 2 days you think you're happy, you're actually just in a fantasy.

Sorry OP but this is a drama of your own doing and if you were a mate of mine I would be giving you some seriously tough love - time to grow up.

NoMoreDickheads · 08/06/2020 17:47

Confronting him isn’t an option. He would never forgive me looking at his phone.

You've caught him out and so he's worthy of the bin. What he did was far worse than you looking at his phone. He would've shagged the other girl if she hadn't said she wasn't up for it.

The sex is good and I give him attention, I don’t know why he would want something from someone else.

Sleazy men are sleazy men. Some men are obsessed with sex. There is little limit to the amount of sex these guys want in my experience. They don't just want one sweet (you.) They want a bottomless bag of pick and mix. It's the ego boost as much as anything else. It's not solely a physical desire for them- it's a psychological need to conquer, ego boost and novelty.

Contrary to what it sounds I know he does ‘care about me’. He can be very attentive and thoughtful.

That's what they do to keep you sweet and keep getting the sex and attention they want. You can never know how much of this 'care' is a lie to get what he wants so it means nothing. You cannot trust him.

You could get a guy who is better than this in a week or something (but you should start actually following the law and stay 2m apart for now, assuming that's the law where you are.) It'd be away of getting a decent one. This one you've got is not a good guy- he's treating you badly.

When lockdown's relaxed eventually, you know that you could get a bloke off Fabswingers the same evening.

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 17:48

He can be very attentive and thoughtful.

So can most people when they want a shag. Not so much other times.

I’ve been to his every weekend for the past month and also sometimes to cook dinner in the week.

I hadn't even registered this is all during lockdown. And that he's got you coming to him to make him dinner and shag him then messaging other women... and you're still desperate to hold onto him.

Argh OP this is embarrassing.

TippledPink · 08/06/2020 18:09

Please don't stay with him! You should be with someone who you mean the world to- he is not that person. You are wasting your time with him when you could meet someone who puts you first.

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