Split up but still wants to do things as a 'family'

[AtFirstIWasAfraid]

I have a question, because I feel my head is playing games with me at the moment.

I recently split with my ex, who was in a new relationship after 2 weeks (he cheated with this woman). Anyway, he recently told me he still wants to be friends and do things together as a family with our DC. He also said his new partner is happy with this arrangement.

Before he said all this I was in a good headspace and thought I was moving on. Now I feel like he just wants his cake and to eat it, knowing I'm always there if things don't work out with this new woman.

I'm just wondering if doing things together will be good for the children or if it will confuse them more? Their behaviour has changed dramatically since the break up and I'm not sure what to do for the best. I've since gone pretty much no contact with ex as my head is all over and speaking to him fills me with hope.

Thank you

@FortunesFave

Rubbish! I never said to disregard her own MH! Obviously if we are in that territory then it will be terrible for the children too, and therefore my logic is still entirely watertight. It's only if the parents can put their differences aside to make close co-parenting possible that shared outings etc. be possible. My contention is that it is perfectly possible for some people, albeit not all (and probably not most).

If you can (and some of the stories on here seem to have done this), then I would say you owe it to your children to do so. If you can't, then fair enough - but dressing it up as it's "always best for the children to have clear boundaries" and "they'll get confused" is absolute garbage.

Based on your updates it sounds like he wants to see the kids but for you to do the work. If he saw the kids on his own he'd have to feed them, entertain them and be woken up early by them... where as if you hang out as a "family" he gets to look good for little effort.

Kids are resilient and will cope fine with having some outings with Dad and others with Mum. Having "family" outings risks prolonging the pain for them and fantasising that you'll get back together like in kids movies. It will be easier for you to heal if you see him as little as possible too.

No, absolutely not, especially as you said your head is all over the place in relation to him. Confusing for the children also. He wants to do things with them, he takes them and does all the organising of whatever it is he wants to do with them, while you get a break for yourself. Something tells me he won't be as anxious to do stuff 'as a family' if he has to do the grunt work related to it. It will do him good to have to do it.

No. He can sort his own activities out. He wants everything his own way. Why play pretend happy families when it's all a load of bollocks? The kids aren't going to suffer for it.

He wants you to be around to support his relationship with the dc for when he has no choice but to come clean about the gf. He will be able to tell the dc you are OK with it because you are allowing him to tag along /be friends still so it's OK - - - conniving twat...

Also imo dc need to see you can be civil but not friends with someone who has treated you badly. Lesson for them regarding friends /not friends irl...

I think you have to do what is best for you, and it is probably too soon (if you're feeling upset about it - it sounds too soon) to be considering this.

But when my parents split up, we used to do things as a 'family'. Not every weekend, but maybe 10 times a year. Meals out, some sort of sporting event I was participating in, we even went on a holiday together every year. I think it was a really good thing for me. I didn't see much of my dad and we didn't have much of a relationship. I wouldn't have really enjoyed going off and having a meal out just with him, but it made it a lot easier to have my mum there. She really facilitated these interactions because she knew it was probably best for me to do it that way.

I think the important thing is though that it can't be done as a manipulation tactic and it shouldn't be so he can get out of actually doing any parenting (unless that's truly what's best for your dc - realistically, my dad was probably happy with it for that reason, but it really was the right choice, given that he was otherwise a pretty useless parent).

In your case I’d say no. It doesn’t sound the right thing. He is still affecting your life and he has cheated.

We do it and it is ok for 80% of the time. But a) neither of us is in a new rel b) we do not want to be together c) we are both on best behavior so usually ok d) dc do enjoy it e) quite amicable split.

However the 20% makes me want to go little
Contact and also I am sure that it stops us moving on. At the moment I am not interested in a new rel so it suits me but it’ll
Not be forever.

Thank you everyone. Glad to hear about others and how/if it works for them or not. Maybe once everything has settled down and emotions aren't so raw it will be easier.

Looking at it from the outside, I don't think it would be best for the DC. They're just starting to adjust and I think it would be a massive step backwards.

I'm going to ask him to sit down and sort a proper routine and maintenance for the children. Once that is sorted I can just do minimal contact for the foreseeable future.

If it's going to do your head in, and stop you moving on (or worse, going backwards) it will by extension be bad for your kids. Please trust me on that. Your kids can thrive without you forcing yourself into a painful charade. I'm so sorry for the shit time you've had

Just for a different perspective my exdh and I go out with our DC about once every month/two to the cinema/ extended family events/ school events ie parents nights. While I would happily not go my youngest dc10 asked if we could continue to do this as it made her happy. We generally sit at opposite ends to the dc. However we have always remained civil and managed to co parent effectively. No issues with maintenance or access. Works for us and our dc.

It’s a big no from me. You and kids need to get used to the new normal. Playing happy families gives everybody hope that it will all go back to how it used to be. Best to do the painful cut off now. Do birthdays and Xmas and that’s it. The rest he has to parent on his own. You need to be able to be single and move on. You can’t while he’s hanging around like a bad smell

he's having a laugh!
tell him you are two separate family units and will be behaving as such.
He takes the kids on his allotted access time and is responsible for everything whilst they are with him.
YOU will be doing your own thing!

he sounds like the type to always find a way to wheedle someone else into 'sharing' his time with his own kids - so he doesn't actually have to do much cos the 'women' always fall into the default carer/adult role around him.

Tell him you might see him at birthday parties (depend on your kids age) and on their wedding days!
He does not cheat on you, leave you and the kids then get you to play happy families with him!

My ex and I do heaps together but our DD is young and because of this I have 100% care (Breastfeeding etc) he comes over for dinner, bath and bed time, I go there for dinner and for our DD to see her DB, and we do things on weekends so the kids can spend time with each other. We currently have a very close relationship, his like my best friend, but none of us are focused on moving on yet. One our DD is a bit older he will take her on her own and we will seperate things a little and I can move on.

Nope.
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Cheeky fucker.
he's made his bed and he can go lie on it.
I wouldn't let him inside the door.