Split up but still wants to do things as a 'family'

[AtFirstIWasAfraid]

I have a question, because I feel my head is playing games with me at the moment.

I recently split with my ex, who was in a new relationship after 2 weeks (he cheated with this woman). Anyway, he recently told me he still wants to be friends and do things together as a family with our DC. He also said his new partner is happy with this arrangement.

Before he said all this I was in a good headspace and thought I was moving on. Now I feel like he just wants his cake and to eat it, knowing I'm always there if things don't work out with this new woman.

I'm just wondering if doing things together will be good for the children or if it will confuse them more? Their behaviour has changed dramatically since the break up and I'm not sure what to do for the best. I've since gone pretty much no contact with ex as my head is all over and speaking to him fills me with hope.

Thank you

But what do you want ?
It isn't about what he wants ,

Go to a mediator/ solicitor and get everything in writing , days, money , visits etc. Then keep contact minimum. I tried to be reasonable with my ex and he messed me about and started stalking me when he found out I as seeing someone, he was the one having an affairs and moved out to live with his tart. Being nice with an ex doesn’t always work. The kids need a routine and stability .

No - he broke the family unit. All on his own. He doesn’t get to keep it so he can feel zero guilt and lazily coast on your arrangements.

If he dares to tell you that it will make it harder on the kids if you disobey him, just say “You destroyed the family unit, let’s move on.”

If in time you can get to a place where you have an amicable co-parenting relationship then there's no reason not to have some time together as a family, in the sense of two parents enjoying time with their children rather than playing happy families.

So soon after a breakup that was caused by his infidelity it's hard to see his actions as someone who wants amicable co-parenting so much as someone else on hand during the time he sees his kids.

Fuck that for a game if soldiers. All that tells me is that he cant be bothered looking after the kids on his own. Once he introduces the new woman, he probably will have her for child care but in the meantime expects you to do all the footwork.

Fuck that, it’s nothing but lazy parenting and convenience on his part.

This happened to my husband and his ex. She cheated on him, left the home and took the kids. She wanted them to still be a family, along with her new husbands approval (who she left my husband for).

My husband remained single for years and eventually the ex wife controlled every aspect of his life, his money and how many nights I could spend at his flat etc. If she didn’t have that control she said she would turn the kids against him. It’s a messed up situation.

Rather than being together in a family unit I would say go to a solicitor or mediation first and then you can build up a good co-parenting situation.

If he wants to put them to bed he does do at his house and they stay over with him. Simple. He doesnt swan in and out .
You can be civil but dont pretend .

Whoah no!! And don't let him tell you it's for the children's benefit. He was the one who crapped all over your family set-up. He doesn't get to play happy families now.

@Rockandahardplaice - I don't agree with you, but surely that's the point of Mumsnet. Different people with different opinions and different viewpoints. You are entitled to give your opinion as much as the next person! Just because we may not agree with it, doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to give it.

I know a number of couples in this situation. Two of them are working out well- both marriages were amicable splits where the couples had been together for a long time, and from a young age, and had grown apart. Both families tend to go out together as a family once or twice a month, birthdays etc. In one of the families (I'm not sure of the exact arrangements in the other family) there are strict boundaries in place and the ex-dh can't just turn up whenever he wants. It's a very definite planned event when they meet as a family and always outside of their respective homes.

However, another couple I know separated badly. No infidelity as far as my friend knows, but the dh announced out of the blue that he didn't want to be married anymore, and he wanted more freedom. He's basically been spending every Friday and Saturday night out with his younger workmates (he's almost 40, they're 20-25) getting drunk and having sex with anything that moves. My friend is distraught by the ending of her marriage as she had no inkling at all that he was unhappy. She's desperate for him to come home so every time he announces he wants to do "family" time she jumps and cancels all her plans to do this. He guilt trips her into thinking she's being a bad mother if she doesn't put the children first all of the time (ie. when she doesn't immediately drop everything when her ex-dh demands it). He also pulled the old "wanting to be involved in bedtime" routine which she thought was a good sign but what this actually means is he's coming round every evening Monday to Friday at dinner time, she's then feeding him, he then over-excites the children, reads them a story and then disappears home leaving my friend to calm down two exhausted and emotional little boys. She is constantly ringing me crying because she's living in this limbo. Someone at her work place asked her out on a date and when her ex found out he organised a trip out for the afternoon/evening of the date and guilt tripped her in front of her kids to cancel it because "family time" is so important. It's a mess.

So whilst these arrangements can work, I don't think they do in most cases. And whilst I appreciate that your kids happiness is important, I also think that your happiness and healing are also important, and I can't see how this arrangement would be good for you given the circumstances of your marriage ending. I think choosing to be amicable when you see each other, maybe spending birthdays together, is fine and would be the best thing for all you (you and the children) but anything else at this time is not going to be in your best interests. Your children aren't going to be happy and relaxed if their mother is stressed and unhappy due to her ex-Dh's demands.

"No, we're two families now because you set up with someone else, remember?"

At some point in the future it may (or may not) work for you to be able to do things together, but right now it can't. He has made a new situation, he can't just drop in on the old situation and expect it to be the same.

I am in a very similar situation to you. Stbx presumed we would still do loads of stuff as a family, and said I was wrong to say no, and that our child would suffer. But my argument is I wanted him as a husband, not a friend, and he can do family things with our child and his new woman if he wants. Yes, it hurts, really hurts, but if we carried on, nothing would change for me and my mental health would suffer.
So I would back off. Be civil for your children, but for your mental well being, no family togethers. Maybe in the future you/we will, I don't see why not as we were good friends, but not just now.

I think sometimes this can make it more confusing for the children. I remember my DD (similar age at the time) asking if we could get back together now we didn't argue any more. Clear boundaries might be best but will need some work to adjust to them.

Birthdays yes I understand but not everything else. It's almost like he wants you to say no to it because then he can blame mummy for not allowing it, when actually it's his fault for breaking up the family with his affair.
I've never really understood why women find married/taken men attractive. I could never fully trust that they wouldn't then do it to me.

I have this problem also with my ex.
Sending a 🤗🤗
Trying to put some distance between us but he is of opinion that after lockdown he can pop over whenever and we can go on days out with the kids. Now I think for special occasions this is ok but he is pressing me to agree to once a week atm. Then when dc and I move from the family home he wants it to be somewhere he can get to easily without going on public transport to visit us!

He good be acting purely in the interests of the children but given his previous style of being a hands-off dad it seems more likely that his shiny life wouldn't be so shiny if he couldn't keep the kids separate from it.
A true doting father whose relationship with his wife had sadly run it's course and he had miraculously found true love would have no problem forging a new path guiding his new love along her journey into the role of step mum and making room for his children in his new life.
Actually he doesn't want any of that effort so is trying to keep a foot in both camps. 🙁
Second guessing his thought processes aside ... the one thing you do know is that the children's future upbringing will be resting mostly in your hands and you've got a lot of hurt to heal so you need to put your arms around yourself and your children and do whatever keeps that strong.
Sure you can support any effort he wants to make to maintain his relationship with them as he build his new life and includes them in it. But holding his place open so he can dip in and out (in an effort to keep things as much the same for the children as possible), leaving you unable to build your own life without him being a pivotal part of it... That isn't a good idea. So unlikely to be a satisfactory solution that it is just kicking the problem down the road. They are young so one day will have little memory of life when mum and dad were together.
He might find the consequences of his choices uncomfortable but if he has a spine he will face that and do what he can to make a future which will include them and give little opportunity for further wounds.
Good luck

No no no no and no.
Separate lives from now on is the only way it will work.
You need to think about yourself and your dc. Not him.

It’s a nope from me. If he wants to do bedtimes he can do them at his house when they stay over, giving you a night off. If he wants to do outings he can arrange them and facilitate them in his weekends. As pp said draw up a timetable, agree times and stick to it. He doesn’t get to pop in when it suits him or get family day’s out arranges by you with you there taking care of the kids so it’s easier for him.

My sister and her ex do do things as family, and it works for them.
They didn't break up for any sinister reason, they just feel out of love and realised they were more like best friends.
It does work in some situations, however it won't work for anybody. You need to decide if it's something you'd be happy doing.

RockandaHardPlace You said this I think you should disregard that kind of thinking and consider only what is good for the children.

Which forgive my bluntness, is absolute twaddle.

OP should put her own mental health first. That's not negotiable or she'll be useless as a parent.

We're always told on aeroplanes to sort out our own oxygen first...that's for a reason. If you're rendered unconscious, then your child will die or be injured anyway.

Look after yourself first.

Of course as parents we put our children first in MANY ways...but when it comes to the big stuff, your MH MUST come first.

Very well said @FortunesFave. Too many people fall into the guilt trap when it comes to the kids after they've split up with their husband/wife. Kids are resilient and just need a routine. They don't need to be handled with kid gloves and given the world just because their parents have split up.

Nope nope and nope. Also: waaaay to confusion for your kid.

So... No

Sounds like he want you to do all the parenting while he just turns up.

I used to do this when me and my ex first split up, in fact it went on for a good year or two. We wanted to still do things as a family so would have days out, meals out, bedtimes with DD together some nights, trips to the cinema, to visit family, shopping trips etc all together. We thought this was setting a good example for our daughter. I was especially up for this as my mum and dad couldn't stand to be in the same room and so I didn't want that for my daughter.

However, although we had some great days all it did was prevent us from moving on and blurred the lines. We slept together sometimes after these days out and it just caused a lot of hurt in the end cause we didn't allow each other to move on from each other as we were still spending so much time together under the guise of being a family.

Three years later and we are all moved on, he has a new partner and is very happy, we no longer do things as a family. Rather he spends days out with our daughter and his partner and I spend days out with my daughter and friends and family. We did up until recently go shopping for her birthday and Christmas gifts together but they would always end in arguments so now we do that separate also. He is welcome to pop in and see our daughter at any time and comes here Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts, other than parents night, drop off and collection we have minimal contact and never argue as there is nothing to argue about.

I think the couple of years we were trying to play happy families just prolonged the inevitable. It is also not sustainable, this isn't going to be the new normal forever, eventually (perhaps when he becomes more serious with his partner) things will fizzle out, and how will you feel then? How will the kids feel then? Better to get yourself and then used to the new normal now and not spend time as one unit, as that is not what you are anymore.

Good luck