He's been messaging prostitutes

[cataclysmiclife]

I found out that my husband has a secret phone. It had messages from women which looked like he was enquiring about services, availability and prices. When confronted he said he was just flirting and messing about but has never met up with anyone and just doesn't turn up to meets he's arranged.

I just don't believe him. Why would he message and then never go through with it? He says just for the thrill of it.

He also had kik installed and Snapchat installed to message people and has admitted to looking for women on Craigslist and Gumtree(?) so it's no accident.

We have 3 under 2 year olds, are married and I've just gone back to work part time. I have no real money to my name.

I didn't get any screenshots as I was so shocked. He immediately went and deleted his accounts and took the phone back to factory settings.

I don't want my family to be destroyed but what's the alternative?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First off, please see about getting an sti check. Because I'm sorry, but the sort of men who message prostitutes for prices...they are of course using the services.

Dont let him turn this round on you. He has already chosen to destroy your family unit. He may even have put your sexual health at risk. Perhaps even your children's if he was doing this before they were born.

Add to that he is cheating. And exploiting vulnerable woman. Using their bodies as he would a toilet. And, lying to you.

He is disgusting.
Throw the bastard out and speak to a solicitor asap.

What an awful discovery.

Personally that would be too far for me, and anyway I wouldn't believe him saying it's never gone further. One day he WILL turn up to a meeting, if he hasn't already. Every man I have known who messages prostitutes has gone through with it.

Restoring to factory settings - what else didn't he want you to see???

The money will work itself out, it always seems like a disaster at first but it works itself out in the end. What's the alternative? Living with a dishonest man who doesn't respect women and sees them as services he can purchase, like a takeaway pizza delivery? Thinks he can mug you off by deleting things off his phone?

Think about your children, do you want them to think this is normal? It will be easier on them to separate while they are younger.

Yes I will get an sti check although all services are suspended due to lockdown.

I can't believe how he could do this

God it's so fucking cliched

I think I read on here they could send you tests in the mail or something. Your gp will be able to direct you I would think.

He's the one that's destroyed things. Not you.

I'm so sorry. This isn't an attraction that happened over time. This is a complete disrespect for you and your children. Clearly not even just satisfying himself with one sexual partner as he's actively looking on all these other sites.
I'm so sorry but that would be it for me. Things will eventually work out financially but if you stay you self esteem and morale will be shattered.
Go to family if you can and just take time to process it all x

@Alpacamabags yes it's worse than an affair in my eyes. Very premeditated, different accounts and forms of communication.

A year or so ago I found a text on his phone asking him for £10 - he said it was spam and I stupidly believed him. He admitted recently that that text was the same thing and he'd sent someone £10

So, he actually arranged meetings, and claims he didn't go. Utter lie.

He has a whole other phone for arranging to meet prostitutes and stuff!

So sorry you're in the situation you're in OP but please don't let this slide.

Start planning how you're going to split with him, and don't let him sucker you back in. If he tries to charm you, keep reminding yourself what he's done.

Nobody flirts with prostitutes. Why would they need to? It's a cash transaction.

@silenceofthemams god yes you're right

He thinks messaging sex workers is flirting! Flirting? Asking for prices and booking is flirting? And he thinks it messing around to book a sex worker who is probably vulnerable and desperate for money and then waste her time! So she's losing money at best and being punished by her pump at worst. And that's messing about? WTF.

And as for he didn't turn up - If he was using an 'agency' he'd be banned pretty dam quick for time wasting. Repeated booking and not being banned means he's turned up. If he's messaging independent sex workers they'd have blocked him after the first no show - so if he's repeatedly booking with the same women he's turned up.

Your family is not destroy if he leaves - changed yes, destroyed no! He has fucked up the family as it is now only. That doesn't mean you can't be a different type of family. You (without STIs and being treated so disgustingly) and your dc, and him and the dc. Your dc will be fine. It happens to families ever day.

As long as you can keep it amicable they will not be traumatised. And I suggest blackmail here - he behaves like a decent human being (for once) or you tell all and sundry about his 'little' habit!

Get your ducks in a row. Play this smart!

Good lord you poor thing. I'm so sorry you must be in shock.

I'd say leave him alone for now, you need to be able to cope mentally and have a think about what to do.

I'd definitely say LTB, but that's your choice.

If you do want to I'd say if you can access his email then you may be able to get email receipts from the app and make copies.

Also find out all of the bank accounts he has. If you can find bank statements great - you need to know what he has and there may also be transactions to places like AdultWork etc which may fly in court.

Have a sugary cup of tea and a bath if possible so you can think in privacy (maybe have a cry).

Do you have any RL support?

A betrayal of the highest form.

You have the evidence in front of you Op, please do not believe him for a second. He’s been using the family money for this.

Please see if you are eligible for a postal STI check. Bank statements would be a good place to go.

What are you going to do?

@CorianderLord Yes I have RL support I have confided in my sister (we are very close) and talked through it with her. I am currently biding my time, and have told him I have to think about things.

I really don't know what to do. I have to asses my situation if I do leave him. I do know that I couldn't trust him again which if I did stay would be no way to live. How would I build up that trust again?
Thanks to my sister talking to me, I have been very calm and level headed in approaching it. I am not sure what that says about me and how I feel about our relationship but shouting and screaming won't do anyone any good I guess :( Mumsnet has always taught me to get my ducks in a row but when I found out about it I didn't do any of the things that they say you should do. Stupid really.

He thinks messaging sex workers is flirting! Flirting? Asking for prices and booking is flirting?

@Thingsdogetbetter Maybe you're playing devils advocate or something, but he doesn't believe this. That he hasn't followed through with it is a lie to try and get away with it without being dumped.

When confronted he said he was just flirting and messing about but has never met up with anyone and just doesn't turn up to meets he's arranged.

If you believe this, I have a bridge to sell you. He is lying straight to your face. No one "flirts" with prostitutes.

He’s probably been doing this years before you met him.

I’d leave. He’s a liar and he’ll never change. Buying sex is something he’s addicted to now.

@MashedSpud he admitted that he did it before he met me :( I would NEVER have expected him to do something like this. I am so sad for my family.

I'm so very sorry, OP; it happened to me too, only that was after 32 years of marriage and she also blackmailed him to the tune of tens of 1000's

There's no way of coming back from this, but I suspect you know that already. Unfortunately he's way ahead of you planning-wise and the deceit has already involved financial matters, so as well as the STI check you urgently need legal advice to protect yourself - preferably while you're still feeling calm and before the crash comes

As a wise PP said the finances can eventually be worked out, but the real cost of staying with such a man would be too awful to contemplate

Ugh they're so textbook aren't they. The ones that get caught are always the ones who "just book for thrills" but don't show up. And if only one incident is uncovered, it's always "the only time". Bullshit. Sad how many people do this, you poor thing OP

It's not stupid OP, when your life has imploded in a moment you're hardly able to immediately jump to the pragmatic.

Glad you have your sister. I think you may know you can't stay with him. Do you have a separate bank account which you can move some cash into for now?

He will never change. This sort of thing titillates him and always will.
So probably better to get rid sooner rather than later.

We do have a joint account that I have access to but it looks like I can't do anything until lockdown restrictions are eased. I should talk to a solicitor and understand what I need to do. Thank you everyone, you have affirmed what I already knew :(

In the case of a relationship breakdown you can change households. I'd tell him to leave, personally. He might not go, but it'd be worth a punt.