He's been messaging prostitutes

[cataclysmiclife]

I found out that my husband has a secret phone. It had messages from women which looked like he was enquiring about services, availability and prices. When confronted he said he was just flirting and messing about but has never met up with anyone and just doesn't turn up to meets he's arranged.

I just don't believe him. Why would he message and then never go through with it? He says just for the thrill of it.

He also had kik installed and Snapchat installed to message people and has admitted to looking for women on Craigslist and Gumtree(?) so it's no accident.

We have 3 under 2 year olds, are married and I've just gone back to work part time. I have no real money to my name.

I didn't get any screenshots as I was so shocked. He immediately went and deleted his accounts and took the phone back to factory settings.

I don't want my family to be destroyed but what's the alternative?

You don't want your family destroyed?
OP your family is already destroyed.

Seperate all ties with this man, leave.

I don't want my family destroyed

It is already.

Is there nothing women won't put up with?

Week after week on MN. Partners doing live web cams with prostitutes, visiting actual prostitutes, and so forth. And the woman still wants to be with him and is wondering what to "do"!. I appreciate the woman is coming here for support - but I mean, no fucking standards, no self-respect, why does she have to even ask?

sorry OP, not meant to get at you, its just so wearing .

I need a break from MN clearly....

I'm so sorry OP, sending you an unmumsnetty hug. You're in shock right now but when that fades you will find your anger and that's what will get you through this next bit. Try not to look at the big picture too much for now or it will feel overwhelming. Get some support around you, friends, family and a good solicitor and just focus on one step at a time, one day at a time if needs be.

You will be ok though, you can build a new, happy life for yourself without him whereas you would never be happy with a man you can't trust and who thinks women's bodies can be bought. Take care of yourself now, he isn't worth a second more of your time

@LemonsLive I do understand what you are saying- I'm am just frustrated that the decision to leave, and therefore break up the family, in a way rests with me.

I'm am just frustrated that the decision to leave, and therefore break up the family, in a way rests with me.

It doesn't though. When he chose to cheat on you, he's the one that chose to break up the family. You just didn't find out until later on. So it was already broken up, you just didn't know until now.

If he broke your favourite mug, assembled it back together enough, and hid it in the back of the cupboard enough that you didn't spot the crack until down the line, he still broke it. Just because you decide the mug has to go in the bin does not mean that you had anything to do with it breaking. Clumsy analogy but you get my drift.

The practical part might be up to you but the breaking up of your family has already been done, by him. He has broken your trust and (presumably) his promises to be a decent partner and father, without which few of us would ever stay in a relationship so it's really not you doing the breaking. Don't make the mistake of taking on any of the blame, responsibility or shame for this situation or it's outcome, this is his doing and his alone.

The above posters are spot on. HE broke up the family and now he's paying for the consequences of his own actions. If you had a friend leave a cheating husband wouldn't you ever blame them for destroying the family. Show yourself the same kindness and empathy

Ltb

Don't look back

He's a dickhead and it's all on him

Stop thinking YOU would or are breaking the family! The person who decided to go get some thrill outside of the marriage should shoulder all that responsibility!
If he was not happy he could have man’d up and had an adult conversation and he could have gone on his merry way to do what he wanted. He could have been honest with!No need to be underhanded and get your rocks off by someone else whilst still pretending to be a faithful spouse.

The thing is, it shouldnt rest with you. He should be so disgusted with himself that he leaves.

The fact that he hasn't, further shows you what an asshole he is. No...how, inhumane he is. You cannot stay and subject your kids to someone thos cold, immoral and messed up.

You are not breaking apart a family. You are saving them from a monster who was pretending to be a man.

We do have a joint account that I have access to but it looks like I can't do anything until lockdown restrictions are eased.

If you come across a bloke that says he's visited a prostitute in the past again, I wouldn't get with them. I had one that claimed he visited a prostitute once on a stag weekend in his teens. Turns out that even 35 years later he was the type to be obsessed with sex of every kind, with as many people as possible.

I'm am just frustrated that the decision to leave, and therefore break up the family, in a way rests with me.

It's him that cheated on you with prostitutes- his actions caused this.

You are not breaking apart a family. You are saving them from a monster who was pretending to be a man

This, he has deceived you (and DC) about who he is so what you're 'breaking' by leaving him is nothing but an illusion of his own creation.

I agree, he broke up the family. Sadly if you stay you accept he will continue. He has likely continued doing this since you met. He never stopped.

I have a friend who was involved in sex work. If men didn't turn up or cancelled frequently they were black listed. He has definitely been going to appointments. Prostitutes don't flirt, the men going to them already know what they want

First of all the good news: you found out and you don't believe him. Well done. Secondly the even better news: you can divorce him and live your life free from his lies and although the next few months won't be easy, it will be so worth it this time next year

I couldn't bring myself to be intimate after this...so it would simply be over. He's a liar...who gets a second phone to send messages and never go through with it.

Oh love this is such a shock for you please be kind to yourself and continue to reach out to real life support.
I have had to add my story here too often recently, but please listen when I tell you, it is nothing to do with anything you may or may not have done. You are not breaking up your family, your children are young you will get through this once you have processed the shock of him leading a double life.
My exh led a double life all of our marriage, luckily we did not have children together, but it did cost me me career, mental and physical health.
I ended up with genital warts and in a mental health unit due to the non stop gaslighting.
Please do not stay. I forgave him 4 times, each time he git better at hiding it.
When I finally escaped I discovered 4 mobile phones.
The first time I snooped he rung 5 local brothels several times a week.
On one occasion he called a brothel and ten minutes later withdrew £50 ( the going rate seven years ago)
When confronted he said it was for a haircut, ridiculous really as he was nearly bald. Yet I believed him again and again.
He went on a site called puntersnet which is a forum for men to share tips on how to get away with a double life, share reviews etc.
He said it was for the thrills etc, but sadly I found him on kik, snap chat, webcams hook ups the lot.
He must have hated me to not admit it instead of using me as a respectable cover.
I finally left ( a shell of a person going on five years from first discovery)
He was sending pics of himself at work in his uniform to women on fb groups. ( He had at this point moved it to work as by then I was completely paranoid).
Sad to admit but I did blackmail him after taking copies for evidence.
Walked away with the money.
But I regret it getting to the point where I needed to do that jobless by that point after a total mental breakdown, I was diagnosed with disassotiative disorder, I needed the money for a divorce and to get through the next few years.
I am not proud, but so little I meant to him his job/ life was unscathed. He cost me everything.
Please do not end up like me. I was a healthy sociable, fit person. At my worst I could not make a cup of tea as he wore me away with lie and excuse.
Make plans now, clear debt, squirrel some money and rally support. Then leave with your dignity and health intact.
Men like him never change they hide it better but need a family front. That is not love or respect. He making choices and you sadly are way down there. I really wish you all the best. In time you really will be.

As someone who has been in a very similar situation (except in my case it was hook up sites, not prostitutes) and has stayed with him. Don't stay. He'll beg you to give your marriage another chance and 'not to break up your family', he'll lay the guilt on thick and promise you the world. Honestly it's not worth it. What I have gone through mentally, no man is worth that.

You need to get him to leave now, tell him he needs to stay somewhere for a few days so you can get your head straight.(It doesn't need to be only temporary, but he doesnt need to know that). Dont let him stay and lovebomb you. That's the mistake I made. He talked me round.

The weird thing is we're actually quite happy now, it was absolutely fucking miserable for months and now we're actually doing OK. We get on well, I love him, I know he loves me and he knows what a fucking idiot he was. I know he would have been gutted if he'd lost me.

The problem is I'll never look at him in quite the same way again, and if someone asked me could I honestly say he regrets it enough to never do it again? My answer is I don't know. I trusted him 100%, I saw things like this happen to other people and I was one of those stupid smug people who thought 'thank god my husband would never do anything like that'. How wrong I was. Once you find out someone is capable of doing something like this, however much you work on 'rebuilding the trust' you will forever know that they are capable. You will never get that unbroken trust back.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy and miserable. I'm actually fairly happy and just getting on with it right now. But there's always that little nagging feeling that I'm better than this, that I'm worth more than someone who could do that to me. It's a very strange feeling.

Anyway, whatever you decide, i promise you that in the end it will all be OK. The practical and financial side of things all seems very overwhelming but when you break it down and do it bit by bit it's never as bad as it seems. And if you do want to stay with him, don't be afraid to still come back and ask for support. Obviously I realise I've told you above not to stay with him, but it's your life. People on the internet can tell you you're stupid and you should have left him but ultimately you are the one who has to live with your decisions. Please feel free to PM me if you want to

Having a 2nd phone is a lot of hassle to go to just for a flirt.
That's a guy who didn't wanna get caught.

The decision to break up your family doesn't lie with you. He made that choice when he started messing around!

An illusion can't be destroyed - because it doesn't exist.

So, starting point for division of any assets is 50-50.

You'll be entitled to child maintenance, to child benefit (not much but), you should be entitled to some universal credit, and if you are to 85% of childcare with registered nursery or whatever or registered child minder paid, plus whatever income you bring in, and you may get relief on some costs eg council tax.

Citizens advice is v good, they may do Tel appointments.

All info online too.

Solicitor also important. Some do first session free.

IDK what happened with my post.

I'm pretty sure there will be a way of you sorting out the finances with the bank during lockdown, as I'm sure you're not the only person wanting to do anything financial. xxx

My exh was found on adultwork. He made a booking said he didnt go thru with it but on his phone bill there was exact timing of an hour each side.

They never look.

I'm am just frustrated that the decision to leave, and therefore break up the family, in a way rests with me.

It doesn't in any way. It already is destroyed.
A relationship must be built on trust.
A family unit like that must have 2 adults who love and trust each other.
It's already broken and not what a family should be.
Staying together doesn't mean the family isn't broken up!!
It won't ever be the same!!

It's not a decision at all really because he cannot offer you a real relationship based on trust anymore.

So sorry this happened!

I'm am just frustrated that the decision to leave, and therefore break up the family, in a way rests with me.

There is no decision for you.

He made the decision (repeatedly).

Just because he's saying it hasn't been made and wants to stay with what he's done, doesn't mean there's any decision.

He doesn't want to face consequences, he wants to continue with a double life when it's convenient.