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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I give him another chance ..dont know what to do..do i go it alone

54 replies

Kaitkyn76 · 07/06/2020 12:41

Hi

Been in a 3 year relationship. In the last year it's been a nightmare to be honest. We moved into a new home together. In his name not mine due to council rules they say you dont know someone until you actually live with them.......from day one from when we moved in its gone down hill...his temper . Moods. Anger and sulking moods..its hard to explain to be honest..any slight thing that he dont like sets him off into like a mood...frustrated mood..he has trashed the place twice now ..badly...throwning my belonging down the stairs everything I own telling me his house his rules telling me if I stop pushing his buttons it all be ok...etc etc..blaming me for his actions....i dont know what buttons I push ? next day he is ok like nothing major had happened..as usual I put it all back and carry on....if he is frustrated he calls me every name going and alot of accusations towards me...like who I am I sleeping with etc etc something so simple like when I spilt the sugar pot by accident and you would of thought it was the end of the world for him..then he started saying I dont respect his house what a mess etc etc I may want to live in a hole but he dont etc ..it was a sugar pot....it made me feel like crap and gulity...or if I say somthing wrong that he dont like sets him off. In the end I started to read..so when he is in one of these moods I kept quiet to let him deal with it ...
Month or so ago he went into another temper rage it resulted in me leaving not by my choice ! he stated it's his house his rules etc etc he fed up with my attitude..hand on heart I did nothing that day...
Any way since then he has texted me everyday or left voice mails saying he is stressed and He will get help go counselling etc he been crying down the phone..
He said he wants me home..then gives me a time to be back by then says If I dont turn up forget it..for example 2pm tomorrow or dont bother....next minute he saying he loves me and missed me and wants me....
Now if I dont reply straight away to these texts his texts hey become hostile saying why is he bothering he wasted 3 years who am I shagging who am I with hope hes worth it..etc etc..then next minute I should go home as he misses me...its split personality....
When we chatted nicely by text when he is nice it's lovely sounded like the old him...then next minute he goes into this uncomfortable sexual.mode....then if I dont reply or say i like what he is saying or if i dont say how nice the thought of it is or say to him what I want to do to him then it gets hostile again..very hostile ..he starts saying I dont want him i am not interested in him.. Hes not good enough..why should he bother..he makes me feel bad..then guilty...its really uncomfortable....and its constant.
There has been times it's been great...fell in love with him very quickly..first two years where brilliant went everywhere shared hobbies then it all stopped and changed when we got this house.. .do you think he would change....I have given him so many chances..I lost count how many I have given..do I give him another.....God I am so confused I dont know what to do next.....
I just wanted a nice trustworthy loving happy relationship....all I ever have done is cry...
Do I.miss him or miss being with someone

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 07/06/2020 12:44

Jesus he's an abusive arsehole. Stay the hell away from him or he'll do worse than throw your clothes down the stairs. You need better boundaries. Why would you think this relationship is good enough for you? You want a nice trustworthy and loving relationship but you are not going to get that with him. Don't waste any more of your life on this man.

Goingtogetflamed · 07/06/2020 12:46

Even if you miss him is that really what you want for your life? Missing him will be temporary and will fade but if you go back his anger/ temper/ mistreatment/ abuse will not.

Kaitkyn76 · 07/06/2020 12:49

I been told by few family is a form.of abuse but being in it I dont know ..never been in this siuation before ..I have questioned my self alot may be what am i doing that's setting him.off

OP posts:
JustC · 07/06/2020 12:50

Wow, get out. Really, just get out of this relationsip as fast as you can.

Mix56 · 07/06/2020 12:53

run & run far

GreenTulips · 07/06/2020 12:54

Run. He won’t change. He sucks you on and spits you out.

Block him. Don’t look back.

TARSCOUT · 07/06/2020 12:55

Read down 12 lines and no need to read any more to know you should leave.

Blueuggboots · 07/06/2020 12:58

Why are you putting up with this? Get out now.

grassyhillocks · 07/06/2020 12:59

@Kaitkyn76

I been told by few family is a form.of abuse but being in it I dont know ..never been in this siuation before ..I have questioned my self alot may be what am i doing that's setting him.off
This is massive abuse. Please stay away from him.
ilikemethewayiam · 07/06/2020 13:03

Google abuse.

Read

Why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft

Look at this checklist

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Contact women’s aid helpline

He is a violent abuser, you need to get out now.

Honeyroar · 07/06/2020 13:06

Walk away and never look back. This is not a good relationship.

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2020 13:07

Stay away. Are you living apart from him now. Definitely don't live with him again

category12 · 07/06/2020 13:08

Stop all contact and never see the guy again, he's awful.

babycakes1010 · 07/06/2020 13:10

Is this the guy who got a bigger council house due to your ds living there then got your son to leave and then threw you out?
Sorry if it isn't the same person but if you are why are you still speaking to this twat

Parky04 · 07/06/2020 13:12

A relationship should make you happy. Are you? He will never change therefore you should leave.

merryhouse · 07/06/2020 13:12

Do not return. Ever.

If he can throw your things, he can throw you. And he will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day. (Probably once you have a child and no job.)

Do you have any belongings still there? If so, think very carefully about whether you really need them.

Save every message he has sent to you. Send him a brief unemotional text: "This relationship is over. Do not contact me again. If you continue to harass me I will inform the police." - and do so.

Yes, it's lovely when he's lovely. But a chocolate-coated turd is still a turd. And flowers and foot rubs and shared hobbies don't mean an abusive relationship is ok.

Hidingtonothing · 07/06/2020 13:19

There's a book OP which describes pretty much every type of abusive man there is, i doubt you'll have to look too hard to find your man described to a tee. This is a free pdf version of the book, have a look at the 'Types of abusive men' section and then get as far away from this man as possible www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Kaitkyn76 · 07/06/2020 13:26

Babycakes1010 @ no ????

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 07/06/2020 13:32

I have questioned my self alot may be what am i doing that's setting him off

No, no, no!! Stop questioning yourself. You are being abused. Remember: the only acceptable level of abuse is zero.

Please do read Lundy Bancroft's book - it's available as a free PDF online. Also The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.

Bedsidetable · 07/06/2020 17:19

Please don't consider going back. He sounds unhinged and won't change. If you go back you are giving him permission to behave as he always has - or even worse. I believe if you go back you are putting yourself in danger. Please please don't do it Flowers

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 07/06/2020 20:06

Moods anger and sulking moods. These are all constructed to scare you and control you. He was pretending to be angry about the sugar pot in order to abuse you. There is nothing that you are doing or saying that is causing his anger. What is causing his abuse is he is choosing to abuse you. Please exit the relationship and in time you will see how wrong it was

Holothane · 07/06/2020 20:24

Get out and stay out.

Gobbycop · 07/06/2020 20:38

This is an easy one.

Leave him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/06/2020 21:38

No of course not. It would be utter madness to go back and by living with an abuser you’re at risk if ending up on the mortuary slab way before your time.

willowmelangell · 07/06/2020 21:52

Run run run, buy a train ticket and then get further away.