Do I give him another chance ..dont know what to do..do i go it alone

[Kaitkyn76]

Hi

Been in a 3 year relationship. In the last year it's been a nightmare to be honest. We moved into a new home together. In his name not mine due to council rules they say you dont know someone until you actually live with them.......from day one from when we moved in its gone down hill...his temper . Moods. Anger and sulking moods..its hard to explain to be honest..any slight thing that he dont like sets him off into like a mood...frustrated mood..he has trashed the place twice now ..badly...throwning my belonging down the stairs everything I own telling me his house his rules telling me if I stop pushing his buttons it all be ok...etc etc..blaming me for his actions....i dont know what buttons I push ? next day he is ok like nothing major had happened..as usual I put it all back and carry on....if he is frustrated he calls me every name going and alot of accusations towards me...like who I am I sleeping with etc etc something so simple like when I spilt the sugar pot by accident and you would of thought it was the end of the world for him..then he started saying I dont respect his house what a mess etc etc I may want to live in a hole but he dont etc ..it was a sugar pot....it made me feel like crap and gulity...or if I say somthing wrong that he dont like sets him off. In the end I started to read..so when he is in one of these moods I kept quiet to let him deal with it ...
Month or so ago he went into another temper rage it resulted in me leaving not by my choice ! he stated it's his house his rules etc etc he fed up with my attitude..hand on heart I did nothing that day...
Any way since then he has texted me everyday or left voice mails saying he is stressed and He will get help go counselling etc he been crying down the phone..
He said he wants me home..then gives me a time to be back by then says If I dont turn up forget it..for example 2pm tomorrow or dont bother....next minute he saying he loves me and missed me and wants me....
Now if I dont reply straight away to these texts his texts hey become hostile saying why is he bothering he wasted 3 years who am I shagging who am I with hope hes worth it..etc etc..then next minute I should go home as he misses me...its split personality....
When we chatted nicely by text when he is nice it's lovely sounded like the old him...then next minute he goes into this uncomfortable sexual.mode....then if I dont reply or say i like what he is saying or if i dont say how nice the thought of it is or say to him what I want to do to him then it gets hostile again..very hostile ..he starts saying I dont want him i am not interested in him.. Hes not good enough..why should he bother..he makes me feel bad..then guilty...its really uncomfortable....and its constant.
There has been times it's been great...fell in love with him very quickly..first two years where brilliant went everywhere shared hobbies then it all stopped and changed when we got this house.. .do you think he would change....I have given him so many chances..I lost count how many I have given..do I give him another.....God I am so confused I dont know what to do next.....
I just wanted a nice trustworthy loving happy relationship....all I ever have done is cry...
Do I.miss him or miss being with someone

God, it all sounds absolutely fucking awful. Why would you even contemplate going back to that level of abuse? Block him and thank your lucky stars you escaped

He's an abuser.

Text book.

I'm sorry.

He's never going to stop, in fact he'll probably get worse.

Online version of why does he do that.

It's mostly about physical abuse so you might think it doesn't apply, but it covers all types of abuse, please give it a read.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Do some research on personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder etc. He sounds very unstable emotionally. He wants you back but not because he misses or loves you. You are his emotional punching bag and he needs you there for him to project his feelings of anger, rage, insecurity, control etc on you.
I have been through this my self with a very immature and unstable man.
Check out some videos on YouTube about personality disorders. He is a child in a grown up man's body who struggles to regulate his own emotions. I recommend a YouTube channel called ASSC DIRECT...That guy has helped me. Also, Richard Grannon..check out his video on covert narcissist. Stay away from this man

He's a textbook abuser.

For your own safety and well-being delete, block and never speak to him again. He sounds very dangerous.

Get busy with work, family, friends, hobbies, pets and you won't miss him.

Total abuse, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never communicate with him again

Do NOT go back. End the relationship. Block him. He IS abusive.

Block him.

And it's not that you 'press his buttons,' that's what they all say.

He is abusive.

Thank you for all you advice

He texted me on whatts app yesterday saying he misses me. Loves me...And he going to put in for a exchange to move to a new place just for me so I can come home as he knows i wont go back to that house. As bad memories etc ..then next minute he saying he dont want to.move as he loves his house and it's only a house and I can decorate it like I want... but he doing it for me as he is sorry...and he loves me.....cos I didn't reply to his texts next text he saying I can collect rest of my stuff furniture etc as he dont want it in his house and he going to throw it otherwise...next text he is sorry he wants me home then next text I am fucking with his head....what have I done...god I am confused.....today he left voice mail he wants me misses me wants me home now....just had text ..I am fucking with his head and collect my stuff tomorrow

Have you got a male relative who can collect your stuff?.

He only wants you back so he can abuse you. Your his toy to do as he pleases with.

I love my husband, never kicked him out or thrown him out and he wouldn’t stand for it if I did because he’s not in a controlling relationship.

Just the way he's swinging between nice and nasty tells you he's learned nothing and will change nothing if you go back, he's deep-down abusive and you'd just be signing up for more of the same. You need to detach now, stop reading/listening to messages which are only designed to mess with your head and focus on you and what you need

I’m concerned that you don’t see him for the dangerously unstable creature he is. What was your upbringing like? Did you have a loving stable Home life? You need to do some work on your self esteem. Some counselling maybe, otherwise you are likely to end up with another one just like him if you even dump this one.

Do not give hi another chance. He's trying to convince you'll he will change but he's not even capable of holding it together long enough to maintain the facade in a single WhatsApp chat. Please please please do not think this is normal or acceptable.

Don't fetch your stuff unless you have someone with you.

Block him on all communication channels and move on. I have seen people on here recommend the Freedom program - it might be something for you because this is clearly absolutely not okay and the fact that you are still questioning it is a very bad sign.

I came out of work today with a letter under my windscreen.
Yes it's from.him
Saying he loves me misses me. He started counselling and found it tough..talking about his past to them and saying his anger built up over time from.his previous ex treating him badly ( never heard that before)until he met me and then he exploded and sorry for taking it out on me etc etc
He moving to a different council.propety so in time I can move back in with him.he is moving by his sister so he will have family support that will support us..
He saying he knows I want him back and he wants me etc etc
He wants me to make a effort to contact him to give us another go etc as before I made no effort ..
My God its messing with my head

Ah, someone else made him behave like he does - it's always someone else.

Block him, don't read any more letters from him, bin them, he doesn't love you, he just wants his victim back. Do not entertain him at all in any way.

Plan a new life without him in it, in 3 months time you won't recognise yourself, you'll be more confident and happier. Onwards and upwards.

He’s stalking you.

Block the bastard. He’s abusive and won’t change

Been in a 3 year relationship. In the last year it's been a nightmare to be honest.

Are you insane? You didn't need to write any more than the first two sentences - that would have been enough for me. Ffs - block him and cut him dead.

Of course it's an ex's fault . Please don't fall for it - it's a lot of crocodile tears, emotionally manipulative bullshit and future-faking. He's still not respecting any boundaries. He hasn't changed.

I didn't even have to read your original post. Just from reading your title, my answer was NO. Your story just confirmed it.

Op speaking as a mums net user and as a therapist this guy may or more likely hasn't started counselling as it would be very quick and he's showing the Classic not taking any responsibility for his actions by now blaming his anger on his ex and childhood. This guy in my personal experience sounds like he has some form of personality disorder, borderline probably and trust me some consoling will not fix him. Treatment for personality disorders takes years and years and it is not counselling, it's called dbt. He's probably lying to you and he is a classic abuser. Please don't get reeled in by his lies, as that's what they are, I see it in my line of work all the time xx

Op

This bloke hasn't even started yet, Ide get a Claire's Law check on him very quickly, he's stalking you at your work place

"My God its messing with my head"

Of course it is. That's why you need to keep away from him. This is text book abuse stuff. He behaves appallingly but nothing is ever his fault. It's always yours or someone else's. Of course, he can behave lovingly some of the time - no doubt when you're behaving precisely as he wants you to and/or when he wants something out of you. Bottom line is he has a massive sense of entitlement - you belong to him and he should be able to treat you as he wishes.

The highs in an abusive relationship can be quite addictive for various reasons including that it's such a relief to the partner to be treated kindly by the person who is supposed to love them but so often belittles and hurts them, and because abusers can lovebomb like there's no tomorrow - precisely because they've got so much truly sh1t behaviour to make up for.

Please do NOT be taken in by the loving messages. Words are cheap. You don't owe him a relationship and he's run out of chances now. You owe it to yourself to be in a relationship where you feel secure and content and know that you can express disagreement or spill sugar etc without causing all hell to break loose.

As you recover from this relationship, you might find "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood helpful.

STOP and re read the message

ALL about him - he even has the nerve to say he knows what you want - so not even giving you the right to your own thoughts or feelings

Don’t give in

You're being abused - run.

He'll start hitting you soon if you go back. You can't change him this will happen forever.

Why are you ignoring everyone telling you to RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AS POSSIBLE from your abusive ex?

Fucking run! It's unhealthy, he doesn't love you no matter what he says and he will scream and shout at you forever.

You shouldnt even be considering going back. Run ffs.