Patronising husband?

[Railingsohno]

Am I overreacting here?

We were having a chat about a few books I loved when I was younger . He then said “It saddens me that you don’t read any more”. It’s true I don’t read much fiction these days. I mainly go on my phone but I read blogs/news items/ Mumsnet/twitter/Instagram etc... so am pretty well informed and quite politically minded. I do read but not nearly as much as I used to.

I am so annoyed by that comment. He has history for being a bit patronising. I quite often have to say “I’m not your 4th child you know”, “I am a fully functioning adult you know”. Like he checks I’ve got my coat etc... sometimes when we go out. I’d say it usually comes because he likes looking after us all but this felt really bloody annoying.

I got really pissed off and probably then defensively laid into him about his lack of engagement on political issues.

Was I wrong? Needless to say he hasn’t apologised. Sorry is the hardest word here

alternatively...you could tell him you read a fantastic book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does He Do that?"

@monkeymonkey2010 interesting viewpoint!

A couple of other things have happened that it would be good to get perspective on. The first was last weekend, the morning after my son had been out, got drunk and been ill. He’s 18. I came into the kitchen and said jokily “what was that all about then!” Basically just teasing him. My husband kept shaking his head at me because as he told me afterwards it embarrassed him. I was pissed off as I have a good jokey relationship with my son and I am relaxed about him going out and getting drunk occasionally, in fact I even said to him “we’ve all been there”. My husband’s reaction just made me question myself and it upset me. He also said to me “sometimes you don’t pick up on people’s cues/reactions to what you’re saying” which I thought was quite nasty. When I asked him to elaborate, he couldn’t really think of anything. He does this- generalised something but when challenged can’t back it up. Anyway we had quite a humdinger about that statement and I was very upset as it really made me doubt myself.

The most recent incident was tonight when I was doing the dishes and my 13 year old instead of waiting for me to move, rinsed his bowl under the tap which then poured all down me- jumper, trousers soaked in yoghurt and water. I was annoyed and gave him a row (didn’t raise my voice but told him off) to turn around and see my husband making exaggerated calming gestures with his hands. Now I think it was fair enough that I told my son off. It was an accident but he was told to wait and didn’t. Again I said I don’t appreciate you not trusting me with how to deal with that. He did say sorry but now is acting all hurt and quiet.

Am I being unreasonable? The problem is I don’t know if I’m overreacting/being grumpy? If I am I can deal with it but it’s really knocking my confidence and making me question myself. It’s particularly galling in my dealings with the kids.

I’ve really appreciated all your contributions from before.

You're allowed to joke with your elder son about his having had a big night out.

You're allowed to be grumpy at your younger son for pouring water and yoghurt down you by accident.

Your husband is making you question yourself, in ways he can't even back up.

Stop questioning yourself. It'll drive you mad. I don't know what your husband's intentions are, or how he expects you to feel, but it certainly doesn't seem that he's wanting to work with you as a team. More that he wants to be right and to put you in your place. His behaviour towards you is not healthy.

I should add that making you question yourself in exactly this way is one of the hallmarks of psychological and emotional abuse. I'm not saying that this is what your husband is doing, I'm just saying that that's why you need to stop worrying if your feelings are 'ok'/unreasonable/overreacting. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and you need to respect them, even if your husband doesn't.

Thank you @Eckhart it feels like some weird power struggle at the moment. I don’t know how it’s come to this.

It's interesting too that you've pointed out how intolerant you are, and yet all the examples you've given of his behaviour are to do with judging or criticising you in some way, or trying to change your behaviour.

I wonder if you feel like you're being intolerant because you won't put up with him being intolerant of you? I may be way off the mark... I've been in a relationship with a patronising person who was always very sweet and caring towards me, but invalidated my feelings ALL THE TIME. I felt like I was going mad and blamed myself, but as soon as I was in different company, I was totally fine.

Yes, completely patronising comment imo. Reminds me of my now ex husband!

Totally patronising and totally putting you "back in your box". If it pisses you off - and it would me - then tell him. Every time.

Don't start doubting yourself. You sound like an intelligent person who knows how to behave around your own kids - don't let his undermining comments get to you.

Thanks everyone. Really feeling quite confused! I think I’m probably quite critical of him too in other ways (house mess, domestic stuff) so I wonder if this is part of a power struggle with him pushing back subconsciously? Maybe we need to have some counselling.

He’s very good at looking after me when I need it (his happy place is looking after people) but this behaviour isn’t kind behaviour...

It makes me quite anxious to be in the bad books so to speak. I’m someone who likes to talk/argue/discuss and get things/feelings out in the open. My dad was like that but my mum was a huffer and my husband knows that his huffing is hard on me as it triggers that stress I felt growing up when I knew I had done something wrong.

I think his upbringing -boarding school, father dying at a young age, means that he’s not very in tune with his feelings. For example I know if I’m being bad tempered I will literally say “I’m sorry I know I’m being a right grump” whereas he will deny his behaviour. I am probably not that easy to live with as I have misophonia, I think, so can find noise stressful.

Sorry, this is a right stream of consciousness but it helps to get it down.

Yeah, i think he is being patronising. An honest talk is needed. Is he your son's dad?

Sorry if that question sounds odd, i was just wondering about the dynamics with the two kids.

Hi yes and we have three children. We’ve been together 25 years, married for 20.

If DH said this I'd take it toean he knows its something I enjoy and it makes him sad I don't have time to do something thst makes me happy.

The only way to know what he means (sad you don't get you time, miss the chat about books, feels you're dumbing down) is to ask - what is it that saddens you? He might say "well you used to be smart and interesting and now you just quote MN threads at me" but sounds like he might just care that reading used to make you happy and now you don't do it

I would have taken his comment to mean that he's sad you don't read much anymore as he knows how much you used to enjoy it and you no doubt don't get time to anymore. Sounds like he was being kind towards you!

@SleepingStandingUp and @londonscalling

Thanks both. Fair points.

Would you mind reading my later posts and see what you think? Thanks.

Re the kids, does his famy do feelings? You mention boarding school. I wonder if his default is just to ignore anything that might be embarrassing or might cause a reaction? But you've have neay 2 decades of clparwntomg so I giess it depends if its typical or new

2 decades of Co parenting

I think his siblings are good at feelings but his mum not so much. She also never says sorry either!

I think things have been going downhill a bit the last few years. Definitely more arguments. Not really sure why tbh. He’s been under a lot of stress at work due to Brexit which has been going on ages now. I try to be sympathetic but it’s hard to live under that level of stress about work for 3 years!

His mum and I have had issues in the last couple of years shall we say and that’s caused a lot of arguments between us too. Certainly I don’t feel we’re as much of a team as we used to be.

Hmm I'm wondering if he's hyper-carrying to manage stress. You say you'd happy place is one where he looks after people, so his increased stress at work and now C19 has almost put his caring into manic mode?
Sounds like you need a good, CALM chat about how things are going. If he's taking work stress out on you, he needs a new outlet. Is it the right job if he's struggling with the stress? But also what makes you hyper critical? Is your stress manifesting in ways you aren't seeing so he's trying to moderate thst?

@SleepingStandingUp thank you for your post, I appreciate it.

I think the hyper carrying is interesting. I’ve had to speak to him before about (in my view) overly worrying about people’s situations at work and being grumpy/tired at home on the back of it.

He’s a high earner/partner and I suppose stress is inevitable for the amount he earns (he has managed it very well for years but the company is struggling now due to Brexit and some other reasons)

You asked when I’m hyper critical- well quite often it’s over this stuff (the patronising stuff), but the misophonia makes noisy eating hard to bear, also just when he leaves mess around, the usual domestic stuff. He would say but I’ve done xyz why are you mentioning abc (and he is good at pulling his weight in the house) but he can be very messy. If I ask him to tidy I have to be very careful how I phrase it as he doesn’t like it when I criticise him. It’s hard to know if that’s fair or not. He says if it were him he wouldn’t bring it up but I say I should be able to ask him to tidy stuff without him getting annoyed. One other example would be a couple of outdoor projects he’s embarked on in lockdown. I’m a bit as he’s spent a lot of time and money doing them (one is for the kids which is nice) but didn’t ask my view if it would be helpful and there’s loads of other stuff I think is more of a priority. There’s been a lot of mess caused by both which I find quite annoying. However he was very pissed off at me when I voiced my lack of enthusiasm for one of them in particular!

I’m sure lots of people have niggles and it is mainly that. However I feel that we’re not communicating well.

OP I might be a bit against the grain here, but to me he doesnt sound controlling. He doesn't sound ideal, but then I'm sure you are not either. It's worth considering you 'fight back' so to say, so you are not controlled, uou can stand your ground. It sounds like you dont necessarily always have the same parenting opinions, which I qould say is fairly normal. For example my hubs will laugh at smth naughty my 7yo did, and I will say 'dont encourage him'. Wouldn't have frased it as your husband did ' you embarassed me' , but my point is I wasn't agreeing with hubs and said so. I do agree your husband sounds a bit asswholeish and needs to lear to choose his words better, but you arguing back at his bad behaviour doesn't sound like you guys are in an abussive/controlled situation. Now, whether you are still willing to put up with his sometimes asshole behaviour or not, is up to you. You can explain he needs to chill the fuck out a bit, or decide you have had enough. Guess it depends if he has other qualities that he brings to the marriage.

Sorry for typos

I think you started this thread with a not very good example as you could take his comment about your reading in more than one way (although it would have fucked me right off) but the more you write the more this doesn't sound good.

He seems to regard you as a rather ineffectual employee who needs his advice to keep you on track! You really don't sound like an equal partnership.

I had a slightly similar situation with my exh and it was really difficult to know how to deal with it; I was very reluctant to have massive rows in front of the dc (and me calling him out on something always led to a row as he could never accept any blame). Trouble is, if you don't call them out this behaviour becomes more and more ingrained and it's incredibly undermining.

I would try to have a really firm chat away from the dc where you clearly explain exactly how his behaviour makes you feel. It's possible that he doesn't know how he is coming across but actually I think he does know and his behaviour is all about control.

Sounds like my DH, it annoying but I've never thought it's because he thinks I'm incapable or need to be asked, I just assumed it's a need he has to cover all variables for his own peace of mind.
I just give sarcasm back like, 'have you been to the loo before the trip?', 'no, I'm perfectly happy to piss on the car seats dear'.