Met someone online but is this appropriate convo ?

[ROZ12]

So Been single for ages and I started speaking to someone . To cut a long story short I was with an Abusive ex , very arrogant etc and said to myself this time I want someone quiet, kind and gentle . I have a teenage daughter so want to set examples.

However on first convo we started talking about ex’s instead of hobbies etc . He started on first convo talking about lack of sex life in previous marriage . Funny thing I didn’t feel uncomfortable but was this appropriate ? Am I going fir the bad boy again ?

Advice needed been out of the dating game for ages.

What has other people first online chat been about?

It does seem to be a bit full-on for a first chat. I would be a bit wary of this.
If any guys talks about sex in any way I'm usually out of there. I would expect someone to ask about work, hobbies, likes and dislikes etc.

Short answer: I'd read this as a big red flag.

Longer answer:

At worst, this is a very popular technique among abusive men. It's a form of grooming. Lay out all the bad stuff early on under the guise of "honesty", but actually what they're doing is testing boundaries. "No sex in my previous relationship/ Bad sex in my previous relationship" = "Quickly test to see if this woman is gullible as they come and will believe my ex was the frigid monster who withheld sex and I was the poor put-upon one." In which case, run.

Best case: he's not over the previous relationship and still feels the need to endlessly go over what went wrong in tedious detail, inappropriately early in knowing someone new. In which case, walk away (unless you really have a massive sexual kink for "fixer-uppers", in which case walk to the nearest therapist).

Block, move on. If he tells you about his caravan decked out as a dungeon, that's a bad sign, too.

Seems quite full on for a first conversation and could be a red flag. But if his previous relationship ended because of mixmatched sex drives (there are so many posts here of people in similar situations) maybe he's starting a conversation around that. You can't know if his partner didn't want to have sex with him because he is a numpty, or if she got to a place in her life where she didn't feel the need for sex etc....

Not on at all. He may be setting you up to 'prove' how much better than his ex you are sexually, and ramp up sex chat for wank fodder.

Yeah the problem with this is that he is setting a tone right away that sex is important to him, and you may find yourself trying not to be like he says his ex was.
It’s just too forward so it’s doubtful he’s actually looking for anything deep and meaningful

I think he is telling you he left his last partner because if lack of sex, so you better not withold/give him less or he's out of there.

Thanks all @ @TooSadToSay to give a bit more detail he said his wife dint want to have sex with him until after three months and he just felt unwanted- arranger marriage .He said he just felt undesired, my ex was not affectionate at all.

It's normal to chat about yourselves - hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes, what you'd like to do on a date.

Keep any information about abuse in the past until you decide you want to have a relationship. You are putting yourself at risk.

I'd assume that a man talking about lack of sex or bad sex in his previous relationship to be looking for a no-strings shag partner.

I'd go on the dating thread if I were you.

Of course it's inappropriate at this stage. You know, if he's on Tinder and from somewhere in the southern hemisphere, he may be the same guy i dropped v quickly when he started complaining about his ex's low sex drive. Er, maybe she just got bored of sex with you?!

Noooo that is such a red flag!

Even if true, surely a decent person just says they grew apart or something and saves the details for when you know each other better.

If you want 'kind and gentle' this is not that

He's playing the victim and he's wanting his new women to feel sorry for him and give him what the last ' supposedly didnt'

Don't mess with men like this, you will be the next person he is ' A Victim' too.

Also I say Supposedly because my ex used that with me and his ex, and ex and ex. It's the feel sorry for me lol

Move on - there will be someone out there much better than this.

I use the 'any mention of anything sexual, even in a peripheral manner and I don't want to talk to them any more' measure. In all forms of conversation (I'm not dating). The second a man starts to talk about sex then basically they are measuring you up for it. They wouldn't talk about dog training to someone who had no interest in dogs, would they?

He is trying to set you up for sex talk by seeing how many times he can mention 'sex' and in how much detail before you say 'shut up now'.

@MikeUniformMike

It's normal to chat about yourselves - hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes, what you'd like to do on a date.

Keep any information about abuse in the past until you decide you want to have a relationship. You are putting yourself at risk.

I'd assume that a man talking about lack of sex or bad sex in his previous relationship to be looking for a no-strings shag partner.

I'd go on the dating thread if I were you.

Dating thread ?

He had an arranged marriage? Are you from the same culture OP?

thing is he is just showing you that he needs sex or the relationship wont last.

some people are okay with once a month or once a week etc but a lot of people require it multiple times a week or they will walk whether you are in a relationship for a week or 10 years.

I wouldnt say he was inappropriate as he is telling you his ultimatums, either your into lots of sex or your not in which case he isnt interested.

OP, @CaraDune has said everything you need to know. Please pay attention to that poster.

I cannot stand when they start banging on about their ex and how awful they are. They shat on them and are crazy.
I spent a third of a date listening to how crazy the ex was and how this has made him wary of women.
Bye you complete prat

@ROZ12, General chat about dating.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3906927-Dating-Thread-189-The-One-Where-We-Date-Without-Meeting-or-Leaving-Home

The initial online chatting is for establishing if there is enough spark to be worth meeting up IRL. It is very easy to be 'groomed' in messages and e-mails. Keep details that suggest vulnerability until you know the person.

Don't message too long or you'll run the risk of getting emotionally involved with the electronic person not the real one.The real one might be quite different. Meet up for a coffee or light lunch in a safe place like a coffee bar or cafe, in daylight, and set a time limit.

If he is already discussing sex, it's a red flag and I'd guess he'd turn up for a date on a mission to get a leg over.

I'd be wary of dating someone from a different culture, especially from a different religion. Just as I'd be wary of dating someone when there is a big age gap, or if one of you has young children and the other has none.

If you are asked something about your ex, 'It just didn't work out' is enough until you feel ready to say more.

@TwentyViginti

He had an arranged marriage? Are you from the same culture OP?

Yes I’m Muslim we don’t date before marriage and it’s hard to find someone who will accept me single mum.

He seemed accepting which is a first for me.

@MikeUniformMike

I made it quite clear that no sex before marriage . So even if we met he would know not toe yet anything . I would meet in a public place.

But after listening to all of you I’m not going to .

Red flag OP. Sex-talk early on is, to me, a red flag.
Modern dating seems like a minefield - please be very, very wary, and build strong red-flag detectors and have high standards and don't lower them. Good luck OP

Yes I’m Muslim we don’t date before marriage and it’s hard to find someone who will accept me single mum

Do you have to get with someone right now?
Can it wait a bit longer?

Have you learned to be on your own and happy enough with that, I ask because very often one lives alone after a lousy relationship and then likes it so much they never change or only change the status quo when it's really worth it.
Could you or have you done the freedom programme?