Met someone online but is this appropriate convo ?

[ROZ12]

So Been single for ages and I started speaking to someone . To cut a long story short I was with an Abusive ex , very arrogant etc and said to myself this time I want someone quiet, kind and gentle . I have a teenage daughter so want to set examples.

However on first convo we started talking about ex’s instead of hobbies etc . He started on first convo talking about lack of sex life in previous marriage . Funny thing I didn’t feel uncomfortable but was this appropriate ? Am I going fir the bad boy again ?

Advice needed been out of the dating game for ages.

What has other people first online chat been about?

Just to give you some hope OP, I've got a Muslim friend, single mum with a DS, who is now with someone new, also Muslim - and he's lovely, and brilliant with her son. There are good guys out there! (Even if sometimes it feels like they're rare as rocking horse shit.)

But from the sound of it, this guy isn't it (and I stand by my earlier post - best case, he's still messed up from his arranged marriage, worst case, he's a potential abuser testing your boundaries).

If you feel like you're drawn to "bad boys" then, as Bananafloofabix suggests, it's probably worth doing the freedom programme.

Your feelings are yours OP and what we would feel doesn't matter (I think I would feel uncomfortable too, though.)

Given the cultural expectations for behaviour between men and women in Asian communities, his talking to you like that is even more unconventional.

I would say he's telling you how important sex is to him, and I would find it unlikely if if you dated him that he wouldn't try and push for sex before marriage. At the very least he's saying that he expects a woman to put out when married, or something.

Plus you're probably right that it's oversharing so soon.

OP I don't think you know your dealbreakers yet, which is why you started the thread.

I would have a think and draw up a list of dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are things that mean you don't move forward.

Potential dealbreakers:

1. Refers to women as 'crazy' or used derogatory names when referring to women 'bitch' 'slut' etc

1. Wants to start talking about sex immediately either about preferences or in a flirty way.

1. Is separated from partner, not divorced.

1. Has recently finished a long term relationship.

1. Has strict criteria for women. They must have long hair, a size 10, be 'feminine'...

1. Believes in strict gender roles eg women in the kitchen waiting on the man hand and foot.

1. Has an angry and negative list on his profile of what he won't tolerate.

1. Wants to come to your home for the first date.

1. Endlessly wants to chat with no intention of meeting.

10. Tells you how he'll 'fix' you or how you can 'fix' him.

These are just examples. Draw up your own list of dealbreakers and don't be tempted to ignore them just because you seem to be getting along with someone.

@

Hi

I Been single for 15 years, like being on my own . Just will feel lonely when dd leaves for uni and want to just grow old with someone . It’s a cultural thing too to be with someone than single . I get the whole aren’t you capable of finding a man !

@CaraDune

Mind if I ask how she found someone? Online ? Has he got kids?

This is most Muslim Asian men 🤭

Depends on the context.
If you asked him why his marriage failed and he was answering your question and been honest then I would say no it's fine UNLESS it then continued and it became uncomfortable for you or inappropriate.

@strawberry2017

Depends on the context. If you asked him why his marriage failed and he was answering your question and been honest then I would say no it's fine UNLESS it then continued and it became uncomfortable for you or inappropriate.

This is the thing I did ask him as I was open about my Abusive ex and then I asked him to go into detail about his ex but just wasn’t expecting it to be about sad drives ! He did keep saying I just want a loving relationship and didn’t get anything from ex. It is unusual for a Muslim girl not to have sex till three months after marriage ? Also he accepted my daughter and that she comes first in my life and not expect me to cook and clean all day like my ex wanted . It was refreshing to hear .

He has not contacted me today so it seems like I put him off anyways !

OP, would you consider someone who wasn't a Muslim?

A completely westernised Muslim is probably what I mean.
Someone who will be OK with you having a daughter and not be expecting a traditional relationship.

Are you looking on general OLD sites or on ones specific to your background and religion?

@MikeUniformMike

Due to my own morals I would like a Muslim and sticking to Muslim sites.

Also just to add most men want kids even teh ones who have them and I don’t , this one guy I spoke to last night didn’t.

He ticked so many boxes

I understand.

Don’t let all the ‘box ticking’ blind you this guy being horny and possibly wanting to basically use you for sex. Just know it’s ok to say no. And get std checks done on both of you before you have sex. My friends Muslim husband basically used girls for sex prior to meeting her as he was horny. Do you know if he’s telling the truth or if he’s still in his arranged marriage and you are just the bit in the side? Just be careful. Don’t be desperate. Plenty more fish etc.

Not that this helps you, but I think they met through work, and no, he doesn't have children of his own. I know it can be slightly annoying when someone says "look it is possible", but I do mean it in the sense of "you don't have to settle for second best."

@Elieza

Don’t let all the ‘box ticking’ blind you this guy being horny and possibly wanting to basically use you for sex. Just know it’s ok to say no. And get std checks done on both of you before you have sex. My friends Muslim husband basically used girls for sex prior to meeting her as he was horny. Do you know if he’s telling the truth or if he’s still in his arranged marriage and you are just the bit in the side? Just be careful. Don’t be desperate. Plenty more fish etc.

I don’t know anything for sure but I believe he is divorced now , I wish there was plenty more fish ? I’ve been single for so long .

I tried to meet at work didn't happen and as Muslims we don’t go to bars and clubs . I’m also a homebody .

some people may think it's strange that you discussed your abusive ex in the first conversation, (i understand why you did) and it sounds to me more that you were chatting and discussing what went wrong in your previous relationships and he gave you an honest answer just like you have him an honest answer. I don't think this is strange personally. I think when looking at something that's been said you have to look at the context it was said in.
His previous partner may not have wanted to be with him, she could have had feelings for someone else, wasn't attracted to him etc but may have felt she had no choice but to marry him.
I personally would find it very difficult to be affectionate towards someone I hadn't had a relationship with first.
Doesn't mean he's not a good guy.
Only you know your full conversation and what was said.
If it in anyway made you feel uncomfortable then yes it's a red flag.
If it was just a statement in answer to a question and then you moved on from the topic I wouldn't at this stage see it as a red flag.
I would base my opinion on how subsequent conversations went.
X

@strawberry2017

Yes looking back I did find it comforting talking about my ex as it’s not something I feel can share in my Muslim community and I did ask him what happened in his marriage . We both had arranged marriages and he said his wife thought the attraction would grow and it never did so he had a lack of sex.

Consequently we have spoken and we have decided to stay friends as we can talk to each other but my morals are too high for him.

I'm glad you have found someone you can talk to, especially someone who understands the position you were in and you feel you can talk openly too.
Good luck with your future search. X

@strawberry2017

Thank you