Is this normal? Thinking about other people

[Bexta147]

A bit of a back story.
Things in my relationship haven’t felt ‘right’ for a couple of weeks now. I kept asking my partner if something was wrong, he kept saying no. I genuinely thought he was having an affair because of the way he changed.

Anyways we had a bit of an argument on Sunday when he was off work, he works full time and currently is doing over 100 hours a month overtime. I didn’t contact him all day on Monday other than to check what time he would be home at.
We had another huge row on Monday night and he told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. We argued a lot after that obviously, he is terrible with words and expressing how he feels and everything that came out of his mouth just hurt more and more so I just went to bed. We slept together in tueday morning, we then argued all day over text and he didn’t come home Tuesday night and stayed with a friend.

He came home yesterday morning and it turns out the reason he doesn’t think he loves me anymore is because he thinks about other women and if he truly loved me he wouldn’t do that. I told him that’s a normal thing to do, he doesn’t think it is and thinks it means he doesn’t love me. I always thought it was natural and everyone did it but maybe not?

He says he feels trapped and like we never get to do anything. We have three children and do things (Meals, weekends away etc) whenever children are with grandparents.

This has completely come from no where and I feel he is just lashing out at me because it’s the easiest thing to do. I have said for some time due to things he has said etc that he has some depression. Also working up to 16 hour days, up to 7 days a week can’t be good for anyone. He also at best has a drink problem, at worst is a full blown alcoholic.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but it just feels
Good to get it all down.

Hmmm. Sounds like he might be thinking about a specific "other person". I'm sorry OP, it doesnt sound good at all. Not sure what you can do beyond counselling or asking him to leave

I'd bet my bottom dollar that 'thinking about other women' is thinking about one specific woman. And I'd be concerned that he spent Tuesday night with that other woman.

Obviously you know better than me, but this sounds like he's minimising something that's already happened. The guilt was too much, so he had to let a little bit of the truth out.

I'm sorry to have to say this.

NB; thinking about other people from time to time is normal, so long as it doesn't affect the relationship you're in, and as long as you're not betraying the trust of the person who loves you.

This is what my husband said to me. He then left me to have a 2 month affair with his work colleague- although the emotional affair was going on for a lot longer. Time to ask him outright if there is someone else on his mind.

This sounds very much like my ex before he finally admitted he 'had feelings' for someone else (who he had been fucking for years).

Good morning, honestly it just sounds like lockdown overload. About 3/4 weeks ago I got wound up into a sad, paranoid state about DH and his phone, utterly convinced he was betraying me. I'm usually happy and dismissive of what he is up to. Anyway we talked and talked, he changed his phone use behaviour, I returned to being otherwise occupied and it's ok now, not fully returned to pre-lockdown-breakdown but 90% there.

We are not in usual times. My advice, find something to focus on. Sounds like you are both coiled springs at the moment.

Hope you sort it out. It's rubbish being unable to plan or see anyone as normal. Distraction is your best friend.

I agree it sounds to me he is thinking about a specific other woman sorry.

Why is he doing so much overtime, that’s a ridiculous amount.
I too think “thinking about Other women” is code for thinking about one, specific woman.
I would be surprised if he isn’t already having an affair.

Frozendaisy with all due respect, what are you on about? I think you're projecting your own situation. This isn't about lockdown he's already mentioned a hypothetical other woman without OP even bringing it up. You don't have to be Sherlock fgs.

I kind of agree with him really. I don't think thinking of of women or men in a relationship is normal. Now I'm not saying you can't see another person and find them attractive, or appreciate them. However when you go home and constantly think of other people, that aren't your partner that isn't normal. I'm also assuming he probably means sexually.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but if that's how he feels you need to decide if it's something you're willing to work on with him. If not, leave. You deserve better than somebody who doesn't know their feelings for you.

Can he verify that he is genuinely working all that overtime? It seems suspicious to me that he has said that he is thinking about other women (which WILL be one particular woman) and it coincides with him ‘working lots of overtime. Could he be seeing someone else during that time?

Yes he can verify. He brings his timesheet home every week and his payslip home every month.

He stayed with a mutual friend Tuesday, he didn’t tell me this, it was our friend (male) who text me to say he was there.

He says it’s not just one person and it’s just random people. He says he just thinks about what a relationship would be like with someone else, if he would be happier and have less stress. He probably would be since there wouldn’t be three kids to take care of etc too.

I think the stress is partly due to all the overtime he is doing. I think this needs to stop.
I also think young families are hard work, but rewarding to. I think people have an idealist view of happy families. A lot of people will be unaware of the hardship parents go through raising a family.
There are also lots of pressures showing other people having fun, other people looking sexy, other women who are fit and look fun without the hassle of young kids.
He can’t have it all, fact. If you have a family then they come first.
You need to ask him what exactly he wants and tell him what you want to.
Don’t fall into the trap of succumbing to what HE wants all the time. Again, who is looking after HIS kids whilst he stays out and works, not him.

If he's saying this now, from my experience, he is looking for a way out.
Random people? What random people is he thinking about?
I think in a clumsy way he is trying to tell you he's not happy. This will only get worse, with or without overtime. Maybe he is using the overtime as a distraction but everything will still be there without it.
It's heartbreaking but it's not your job to fix it. You can't
He has to want to be with you.

Excellent thread, I think you must think about the other peoples.

Oh and there wouldn't be less stress if he was with someone else. He would still have 3 kids. He would still have that responsibility. Being with someone else won't change the stress of being a parent. He will have new stresses instead (co parenting etc)
It all sounds very selfish. If he's not happy with you then he need to sort that out or leave. There is no fantasy alternative.
What about you OP, how are you feeling about it all? You're important too.

Why is he doing so much overtime? Can he stop this?

Id be specifically pointing out if he left the family home, how would he manage alone with all his hours, his three children 50% of the week? Dont let him think he would be having an easy ride.

@emilybrontescorsett

I think the stress is partly due to all the overtime he is doing. I think this needs to stop. I also think young families are hard work, but rewarding to. I think people have an idealist view of happy families. A lot of people will be unaware of the hardship parents go through raising a family. There are also lots of pressures showing other people having fun, other people looking sexy, other women who are fit and look fun without the hassle of young kids. He can’t have it all, fact. If you have a family then they come first. You need to ask him what exactly he wants and tell him what you want to. Don’t fall into the trap of succumbing to what HE wants all the time. Again, who is looking after HIS kids whilst he stays out and works, not him.

This is it. The overtime is ridiculous. Some days he leaves the house at 5 am and isn’t back until 11pm! He gets sucked in by the money and can’t see past that. Me and his mam have been telling him for years he will cause himself to have a breakdown. Tensions are always high this time of year when the overtime is this much. He doesn’t no how to say no to more work.

If I thought there was another women or more too this then his bags would of been packed for him and on the doorstep and he wouldn’t get a chance to look back.

I’ve asked him to take some time off and see if it helps but whether he does or not is another matter.

He has agreed to not have a drink through the week and only on a weekend but I don’t think he will even be able to do that but time will tell. He even admits himself if he hasn’t had a drink for 3-4 days he feels 10x better. Half the time lately he can’t even be arsed to drag himself out of bed for work and leaves it until ten minutes before he has to leave and says he doesn’t feel like going half the time, that to me speaks volumes about his state of mind because he has always loved his job.

He says now is the worst he has ever felt in his life. I’ve told him if he genuinely feels like that then that’s fine, but I won’t be his ‘punching bag’ just because he feels bad there is no need to put that all on me.

@Aerial2020

Oh and there wouldn't be less stress if he was with someone else. He would still have 3 kids. He would still have that responsibility. Being with someone else won't change the stress of being a parent. He will have new stresses instead (co parenting etc) It all sounds very selfish. If he's not happy with you then he need to sort that out or leave. There is no fantasy alternative. What about you OP, how are you feeling about it all? You're important too.

I just feel a bit shit to be honest. As I said it has come completely as a shock to me.

I’m trying not to blame myself but it’s hard not to. If he is genuinely as unhappy as he says he is then surely that’s not all on me. I just don’t know what to say or do for the best. I feel like he’s reflecting all his problems onto me and that’s not fair.

Would you though? Would his bags be packed?
You've told him the over time is too much and he's still doing it. So where is your boundary?
He has to do this himself. He has to want to.
The drinking is a red herring to being un happy and prob being used as a prop to cover/deal with this feelings. The overtime also.

I'm not surprised you're feeling shit. Where is your support for the kids? If he's getting up 10 mins before work, what about the care of the kids?
The stress in your household must be huge right now and you seem to be taking it all on. Which is not a partnership.

If he's not happy, this isnt your fault. He needs to face that and talk to you.
Not running away with work and drink.

He is out from 5am until 11pm!! Wow just wow.
If you weren't there who would do his washing, cooking and cleaning?
If I were you I would tell him the situation is untenable.
If he is warning that much overtime then I would tell him you want a slice too, after all he couldn't do it without you being there to look after the kids and provide a clean home for him. I would then (when lockdown permits) employ a cleaner and a child minder.
I would make sure that I used that time to look after myself. Do something you want to do op, whether that be exercise, swim, meet friends, go for a walk, persue a hobby etc.
What about your sex life, do you have one?
If the tables were turned would be tolerate this? I doubt it.
He is being unreadobable.
Does he expect you to stay up after 11pm then get up with the kids?
You need to start thinking of yourself and children.
Don't let him frighten you op. If he left he could not meet anybody else as when would be ever have the time to see them?

He has always been a drinker. He Has always admitted he has a problem but Doesn’t think he is an alcoholic because he says he can take it or leave it. I don’t think he can. He will say he is doing a dry month every now and again but more than once he has had a pint on his way back from work and thinks I won’t know.

The overtime, I think part of the problem is I’m just that used to this happening every year, that I kind of just put up with it now and then I end up getting to breaking point because no matter how much i think I can handle it and cope with it, I can’t. It’s bloody hard work. I’m guilty of just letting it build up and then losing my head about it.
He says when he is home we never get to do anything or there is just stress but he doesn’t realise that if he was actually at home more to help out, it wouldn’t be this way. By the time he gets in from work on a night I just don’t have the mental capacity to even hold a conversation with someone. This is obviously 10x worse with the current situation in the world.

So he knows you put up with it. He knows you will take care of the kids.
He can carry on and and on and then say he's stressed completely ignoring your stress or your needs.
And then he can have a drink and say he doesn't have a problem. Then drop in a conversation he's thinking about other people????

What a very selfish man.