Is this normal? Thinking about other people

[Bexta147]

A bit of a back story.
Things in my relationship haven’t felt ‘right’ for a couple of weeks now. I kept asking my partner if something was wrong, he kept saying no. I genuinely thought he was having an affair because of the way he changed.

Anyways we had a bit of an argument on Sunday when he was off work, he works full time and currently is doing over 100 hours a month overtime. I didn’t contact him all day on Monday other than to check what time he would be home at.
We had another huge row on Monday night and he told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. We argued a lot after that obviously, he is terrible with words and expressing how he feels and everything that came out of his mouth just hurt more and more so I just went to bed. We slept together in tueday morning, we then argued all day over text and he didn’t come home Tuesday night and stayed with a friend.

He came home yesterday morning and it turns out the reason he doesn’t think he loves me anymore is because he thinks about other women and if he truly loved me he wouldn’t do that. I told him that’s a normal thing to do, he doesn’t think it is and thinks it means he doesn’t love me. I always thought it was natural and everyone did it but maybe not?

He says he feels trapped and like we never get to do anything. We have three children and do things (Meals, weekends away etc) whenever children are with grandparents.

This has completely come from no where and I feel he is just lashing out at me because it’s the easiest thing to do. I have said for some time due to things he has said etc that he has some depression. Also working up to 16 hour days, up to 7 days a week can’t be good for anyone. He also at best has a drink problem, at worst is a full blown alcoholic.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but it just feels
Good to get it all down.

@caketimeisover

Eurgh, my heart plummeted when I read your update *@Bexta147*, I'm so so sorry. My stbxh did the "I'm so unhappy" number, let me believe he was depressed, lied outright and denied there was anyone else... That conversation you had where you said it was the situation that was hurting you not him - we had that same conversation so many times. I have no idea how they all seem to behave exactly the same way. It's all so obvious once you know the truth, but it's so not when you're stuck in the middle of it. What a headfuck. I'm glad you've got the truth out of him at least and packed his bags. I'm so so sorry he's done this to you, you deserve so much better, but try to remember it is not about you, this is 100% his crap, his bad choices, his lack of character. What a massive dickhead.

You are going to be ok. Practically sounds like he did bugger all and you were carrying the load anyway, so you've got that side of things covered (I have 3 young kids too, and was amazed at how little a difference it made when ex left in terms of day to day). But this is the worst, he has treated you appallingly, chucked a hand grenade into your family and fucked off (or rather been thrown out - you absolutely rule by the way). You need to look after yourself and grieve and get as much support as you possibly can. I hope you have friends and family around you can lean on.

If you need a virtual handhold any time, maybe this thread might help - it's got me through some pretty dark days since ex left, just being able to vent amongst people who are going through or have gone through similar has been a life saver:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3917881-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-Part-4. Also get yourself onto chump lady pronto.

This really is the worst, but it will get better. All the for you tonight, hope you are ok.

Thank you for your kind words.

They do behave the same way, it’s crazy. One of my friends went through the same think with her ex and it was almost to the letter the same.
He knew from day one, no matter the circumstances, I would not accept any cheating in the relationship. I put up with that when I was younger and I wouldn’t do it again.

I am now the bad person because our eldest won’t speak to him. He is 10 and him and his dad had the most amazing relationship. He has come to take them all out today and he has refused to go. He only knows what has happened as I went to visit a friend to talk to her and her son was listening in and has told my son what he heard 😢

I’m lucky that I have the most amazing friends, family not so much. I haven’t told any family yet and not sure when I will. To be honest I can’t be arsed with the judgement from my so called mother but that’s a whole other thread.
I will probably speak to his mam later and tell her what’s going on. She will be furious but I know I can vent to her and not be judged.

I don’t know how to feel, I don’t even feel hurt or sad just really angry.

He wants to come and ‘talk’ later but I don’t want to listen to whatever bullshit he is going to spout.

Thank you for the thread recommendation.

He says he just thinks about what a relationship would be like with someone else, if he would be happier and have less stress. He probably would be since there wouldn’t be three kids to take care of etc too.

Men eh? Oh the way their minds work. I wondow how quickly the blood would drain from his face if you replied, quite pleasantly:

'I agree, we need some time apart. I've arranged to stay with my parents for a few weeks. The kids? Oh! No, I wasn't planning to take them - you'll manage. Sounds like you need some practice at parenting on your own anyway if we might split.'

Oh OP I'm so sorry - I too have only just read your update.

Fucking prick.

I'd give it to him both barrels, if he doesn't like the feel of being judged by his own son then maybe he shouldn't have been a cheating slimebag. And tell him EXACTLY how his son knows and say 'That's kind of how it works. I suggest you don't make things worse by showing our son that you'd quite like to turn yourself into a complete instead of a partial asshole by trying to blame this on his mother, the one you cheated on. Instead, apologise. To him. To me. And to everyone else who pprobably knows now and no, I didn't tell them. Then you can apologise some more. You fucking prick.'

Both barrels. How DARE he blame you.

Bexta do what you need to do for yourself and your children just now. If your mother is only going to add to your woes now is probably not the time to tell her. Surround yourself with people who care and who can support you

@FizzyGreenWater

Oh OP I'm so sorry - I too have only just read your update.

Fucking prick.

I'd give it to him both barrels, if he doesn't like the feel of being judged by his own son then maybe he shouldn't have been a cheating slimebag. And tell him EXACTLY how his son knows and say 'That's kind of how it works. I suggest you don't make things worse by showing our son that you'd quite like to turn yourself into a complete instead of a partial asshole by trying to blame this on his mother, the one you cheated on. Instead, apologise. To him. To me. And to everyone else who pprobably knows now and no, I didn't tell them. Then you can apologise some more. You fucking prick.'

Both barrels. How DARE he blame you.

My silence towards him will hurt him more than any words I could say.

He genuinely believes we will have an amicable, friendly relationship. He has always said this in the past too, he thinks he will be able to come round and sit and have tea with me and the kids and still have days out etc. He lives in a fantasy world.
Maybe if we hadn’t split under these circumstances yes that would be the case but not now. I will be civil In front of the kids but that is as far as it will go.

It's still very raw. Let it process.
He is not your concern right now.
Your well being, mental health & children are your focus. He can come last.
When you're ready, I would suggest counselling to help with the anger. You need the anger to grieve and a counsellor can help you.

He wants the fanstasy world where it's all cool between you because then he doesn't have to face the pain from his children. And your pain.
And remember he is further ahead in the splitting up process then you. He has been thinking this for a while. And all along you have been trying to make it work. So it's shock to you right now that he could do this.
So take your time now. Don't let him rush you. Your needs are important, not his.