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Original poster

Is this normal? Thinking about other people

57 replies

Bexta147 · 04/06/2020 08:33

A bit of a back story.
Things in my relationship haven’t felt ‘right’ for a couple of weeks now. I kept asking my partner if something was wrong, he kept saying no. I genuinely thought he was having an affair because of the way he changed.

Anyways we had a bit of an argument on Sunday when he was off work, he works full time and currently is doing over 100 hours a month overtime. I didn’t contact him all day on Monday other than to check what time he would be home at.
We had another huge row on Monday night and he told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. We argued a lot after that obviously, he is terrible with words and expressing how he feels and everything that came out of his mouth just hurt more and more so I just went to bed. We slept together in tueday morning, we then argued all day over text and he didn’t come home Tuesday night and stayed with a friend.

He came home yesterday morning and it turns out the reason he doesn’t think he loves me anymore is because he thinks about other women and if he truly loved me he wouldn’t do that. I told him that’s a normal thing to do, he doesn’t think it is and thinks it means he doesn’t love me. I always thought it was natural and everyone did it but maybe not?

He says he feels trapped and like we never get to do anything. We have three children and do things (Meals, weekends away etc) whenever children are with grandparents.

This has completely come from no where and I feel he is just lashing out at me because it’s the easiest thing to do. I have said for some time due to things he has said etc that he has some depression. Also working up to 16 hour days, up to 7 days a week can’t be good for anyone. He also at best has a drink problem, at worst is a full blown alcoholic.

I don’t know what I’m asking really but it just feels
Good to get it all down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bexta147 · 04/06/2020 11:18

@emilybrontescorsett

He is out from 5am until 11pm!! Wow just wow. If you weren't there who would do his washing, cooking and cleaning? If I were you I would tell him the situation is untenable. If he is warning that much overtime then I would tell him you want a slice too, after all he couldn't do it without you being there to look after the kids and provide a clean home for him. I would then (when lockdown permits) employ a cleaner and a child minder. I would make sure that I used that time to look after myself. Do something you want to do op, whether that be exercise, swim, meet friends, go for a walk, persue a hobby etc. What about your sex life, do you have one? If the tables were turned would be tolerate this? I doubt it. He is being unreadobable. Does he expect you to stay up after 11pm then get up with the kids? You need to start thinking of yourself and children. Don't let him frighten you op. If he left he could not meet anybody else as when would be ever have the time to see them?
I just wrote a huge reply to this and then lost it!

He is great with the money, doesn’t spend it on himself and keep hold of it. He will spend it on things for the home or booking a holiday or if we don’t have anything we need or want he will give me a big chunk of it to do what I want with. He probably does this so I don’t complain though.

Our sex life is good. It obviously goes through stages where it’s better or worse than others but I think that’s pretty normal.

I’m usually up late anyway but even if I wasn’t he wouldn’t expect me to wait up. But even the nights he gets home around 7-8 he is that tired by the time he has his tea he goes straight to bed.

He has had about five full days off during lockdown and a couple of half days. Unless he has a wagon or something to load he will take the two older kids with him for a run around the fields while he does what he need to do.
Even his boss has told him he needs to slow down on the overtime.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 04/06/2020 11:23

My husband told me that when he was unhappy in his marriage he would stay late at work. It was a way of not only avoiding his wife but also he could pretend he was working hard for his family rather than face the reality of how unhappy he was there.
He's unhappy, you're unhappy. Covid may have brought this more to a head, but has probably been brewing for a while.
Think about how this work home balance affects the family as a whole. Do you want to stay with a man who is only notionally being a husband and parent? Who has stated he doesn't think loves you? Who has admitted he thinks about other women? Sure it's normal to fantasised about an 'other' life, be that being single, having a different career, living in another country...but that's just an idle daydreaming. Thinking about it enough to actually confess ot to your spouse means it's something rather more serious. Do some soul searching. Sit him down for a frank talk. Be prepared for him to want to separate. Make sure he does his fair share of parenting if so. Do not consider it your failure. You can't be responsible for someone elses feelings.

mildlymiffed · 04/06/2020 11:24

I wonder if he finds his current life stressful, how stressful he'd find a divorce, and having the kids solo once a week, and every other weekend. Whilst having less money. I reckon that might sharpen his mind a bit. Sorry to be callous, but I get pissed off with guys who honestly think the grass would be greener if they left what sounds like a decent set up.

Aerial2020 · 04/06/2020 11:25

So why isn't he slowing down on the overtime then? He doesn't need to do that much. What is it covering? Why does he want to be out the house so much?
He's avoiding.

Original poster
Bexta147 · 04/06/2020 11:31

@mildlymiffed

I wonder if he finds his current life stressful, how stressful he'd find a divorce, and having the kids solo once a week, and every other weekend. Whilst having less money. I reckon that might sharpen his mind a bit. Sorry to be callous, but I get pissed off with guys who honestly think the grass would be greener if they left what sounds like a decent set up.
He couldn’t handle having the kids by himself, he’s admitted he couldn’t. I went abroad with the girls for a friends 30th for 4 nights, he says it was the hardest few days of his life and that was when the two boys were in school! Yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so stressed and tired all the time.
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 04/06/2020 11:34

He does understand, he doesn't want to hear it.
He's staying out the house and drinking to cover up his unhappiness.
Until he faces that, there is nothing you can say to him or help.
BUT you can start looking after yourself and what's best for you and the children.
If you don't want your life like this, look at small steps on how this is going to change

Original poster
Bexta147 · 04/06/2020 11:41

@Aerial2020

So why isn't he slowing down on the overtime then? He doesn't need to do that much. What is it covering? Why does he want to be out the house so much? He's avoiding.
He’s money greedy. He sees his payslip one month and makes himself determined to make it even bigger the next month. He thinks he needs to work all these hours to give me and the kids nice things but he can’t seem to understand that the kids don’t care how much money he has or what he buys them, what they will care about and remember when they are older is whether her was there or not. He’s always worked hard and done overtime. He couldn’t do his job if he didn’t do any overtime but over the last 2/3 years it has got ridiculous. I put my foot down around this time two years ago, it got to the point where the two youngest children wanted nothing to do with him because he was never there. He stopped all but essential overtime and everything was great. He says himself this is when he was truly happy. We were going for local days out every weekend and a bigger day out once a month or so because we both had the energy and the time to do that. We have slowly slipped back into the old way of working all hours and him never being here again.
OP posts:
TimelyManor · 04/06/2020 13:43

BUT you can start looking after yourself and what's best for you and the children. If you don't want your life like this, look at small steps on how this is going to change

Please listen to what Aerial is saying Flowers

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/06/2020 14:04

What on earth does he do ?

Original poster
Bexta147 · 04/06/2020 14:23

@TheStuffedPenguin

What on earth does he do ?
He works on a type of farm.
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 04/06/2020 14:36

However you put it OP , you are not happy with the current situation and how is this going to change?
If he's money greedy, drinking, saying he thinks about being with other people, whatever it will be next , this is not the family life you want.
You are not happy.
You can go on indefinitely trying to ask him to understand, he's not hearing you.
Start to think about your happiness. Now.
Before it's 10 years down the line and you've spent all this time hoping it will change and then he leaves you anyway.
And he throws it back at you 'well you knew I wasnt happy'
That is a possibility.

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/06/2020 15:14

Sorry but I also think he has his eyes on someone else but doesn't have the guts to own up.

Original poster
Bexta147 · 05/06/2020 13:18

An update for everyone. We talked last night, seemed like there was some hope. Woke up this morning and he was crying again saying he doesn’t know if he can live like this and keep hurting me anymore.

I said to him but you haven’t done anything to actually hurt me, the situation is hurting me but you can’t help how you feel. So unless there is something more to it then you haven’t done anything actually wrong, the silence told me all I needed to know.

He got to work and messaged to say he slept with someone else the weekend before lockdown began. His bags are packed ready for him to collect.

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 05/06/2020 13:24

I'm so sorry that he did that to you!

TimelyManor · 05/06/2020 13:41

As I suspected. So sorry Bexta Flowers

Aerial2020 · 05/06/2020 13:46

So sorry OP Flowers
And to tell you in a text? What a coward.

wildone84 · 05/06/2020 13:54

So sorry OP :( You must be in a state of shock.

famousforwrongreason · 05/06/2020 14:36

Maybe I missed something but why did his friend have to text you to say he was there?
Was your dp hammered or was friend providing an alibi?

emilybrontescorsett · 05/06/2020 17:54

I'm sorry to hear this op.
It is what quite a few of us suspected, it does follow the script.
Take care.

bronzedgodesswannabe · 05/06/2020 18:22

Fuck
So sorry op :(

NoMoreDickheads · 05/06/2020 18:26

He stayed with a mutual friend Tuesday, he didn’t tell me this, it was our friend (male) who text me to say he was there.

Him not letting you know is not considerate of your feelings at all OP. Sad

Could some of the overtime be to get out of the house? (That wouldn't be your fault- I don't like the sound of him.) He's fucked up, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, and has a wandering eye.

Original poster
Bexta147 · 05/06/2020 18:57

@famousforwrongreason

Maybe I missed something but why did his friend have to text you to say he was there? Was your dp hammered or was friend providing an alibi?
No, I had text friend and asked him to let me know if he turned up there. It was only there or mother in laws that I thought he would go.
OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 05/06/2020 19:46

So sorry OP.

caketimeisover · 05/06/2020 21:26

Eurgh, my heart plummeted when I read your update @Bexta147, I'm so so sorry. My stbxh did the "I'm so unhappy" number, let me believe he was depressed, lied outright and denied there was anyone else... That conversation you had where you said it was the situation that was hurting you not him - we had that same conversation so many times. I have no idea how they all seem to behave exactly the same way. It's all so obvious once you know the truth, but it's so not when you're stuck in the middle of it. What a headfuck. I'm glad you've got the truth out of him at least and packed his bags. I'm so so sorry he's done this to you, you deserve so much better, but try to remember it is not about you, this is 100% his crap, his bad choices, his lack of character. What a massive dickhead.

You are going to be ok. Practically sounds like he did bugger all and you were carrying the load anyway, so you've got that side of things covered (I have 3 young kids too, and was amazed at how little a difference it made when ex left in terms of day to day). But this is the worst, he has treated you appallingly, chucked a hand grenade into your family and fucked off (or rather been thrown out - you absolutely rule by the way). You need to look after yourself and grieve and get as much support as you possibly can. I hope you have friends and family around you can lean on.

If you need a virtual handhold any time, maybe this thread might help - it's got me through some pretty dark days since ex left, just being able to vent amongst people who are going through or have gone through similar has been a life saver:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3917881-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-Part-4. Also get yourself onto chump lady pronto.

This really is the worst, but it will get better. All the Flowers for you tonight, hope you are ok.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/06/2020 12:40

So sorry to read your update