How did you get over being the OW/OM

[affor]

This is not a thread about the morality of affairs. Clearly they are wrong and I'm trying to process both my guilt and shame over what I did, and also the decisions that got me there so it never happens again.

My question is, if you've ever been the other person in an affair, how did you get over the breakup? A normal breakup is bad enough when you both become single, but how do you cope knowing they still have someone, aren't alone, aren't going through what you are?

Breakups are bad enough but with the guilt, the jealousy he has someone, the fact of lockdown meaning I can't just go out and get over it... I just feel so trapped and in pain. How do you get over it?

You grieve like any other loss. You make decisions about what you want your new life without them will be like, then make a plan to make it reality.

I’m Passing no judgement at all but I think when you are able to, it would be helpful to reflect on why you entered into that situation in the first place - not in a morality sense but in terms of what it is that underpinned it - I’m not going to psychoanalyse you but someone close to me has had several relationships with people who already have partners because it’s like a built in insurance against getting rejected - she can say she doesn’t want them to leave, she has a built
In reason for the relationship ending that isn’t about her - if you see what I mean.

I think I'd try and seperate the emotions from the facts and try to adjust ny thinking on the situation. Take a long hard look at what the logistics of your 'relationship' involved. So it could be:

Small chunks of time that he allocated to you when he was free or in the mood.

Communication with him when he allowed it.

Sex with him wasn't exclusive. He would have been going back and forth between the two of you.

Emotional unavailability, you're needs were secondary and irrelevant to him as long as he was having a good time.

Drag your relationship out into light and analyse it forensically. Look at it as if you were writing a report and explaining it to a third person, with no emotion involved.

You need to retrain your brain on this

To be honest, even if neither of you were married, the person being dumped really isn't going through what the person doing the dumping is going through. Dumped = pain. Dumper = relief.

I think separating emotions from facts is a very good point. Regardless of intention there's no denying that I have had to accomodate him and be ok with not being a priority, which is hard and played havok on my mental health at times.

It's not even a dumper/dumped situation I can rage against. We got to the point where we needed to make a decision and I couldn't bear the guilt anymore, and he couldn't cope with the idea of restricted access to his child. So there was no option to end the marriage, and neither of us were willing to do this long term.

how do you cope knowing they still have someone, aren't alone, aren't going through what you are?
If he's not going through anything after breaking up with you, then surely it meant little to him and you've had a lucky escape? Why would you be jealous of someone who dumps and runs without any feelings?
What does "not alone" even mean? Comforted by someone's presence? Secure in a relationship? Fulfilled with a partner? If he was all that, what was he doing with you? If he wasn't feeling all that before you met, why do you think he is now?

@ravenmum

It's not that he's not going through anything, but not the same as me because he essentially got to choose between two things he wanted - his marriage and access to his kids, or a life with me.

Obviously he has made his choice and I have to process that I was rejected, but no matter how sad he is (sat on my sofa sobbing) he still gets to have something he wants. Where as I have to loose the thing that was keeping me sane in lockdown.

So I suppose what I mean by not alone is the distraction, comfort, someone nearby. I've lost someone who loved and cared for me, someone to share my day with and spend peaceful time with. He still gets that even if it's now built on a lie. Ultimately it will be worse for him long term, but harder for me short term.

And I can't do all the things I would instinctively to to get over it, and I can't even cry to friends and family as I'm too ashamed to have told anyone.

He can't cry to his family or friends either; he can't even risk looking a bit sad or acting differently. He has to put on a happy face and pretend it's peaceful - that's not the same as it being peaceful. Many people will tell you from personal experience that it is lonelier to be with someone who doesn't understand or sympathise with you, than to be physically alone.

He's still at risk of losing his marriage. She could find out in five years' time and dump him, or ten. You are at less risk, and thus in greater control, than him.

Did you love him? Are you feeling sad for him?

I can tell you about the pain of a wife who sees and hears her husband sexting making calls in the middle of the night... I can tell about 8 years of utter destruction to my mental health.. I now want a divorce and he won't let me ... he'll defend it... the other woman in his life can have him but he won't leave... I am now in more pain than ever because of what he wants and who's to say he won't change his mind again... if it's my husband you can have him!!

(Assuming that she hasn't already worked it out or got suspicious, and that's why he's suddenly got cold feet.)

As above, he can't talk about it. Can't show any emotion within his home. His main relationship has been compromised and may no longer bear any resemblance to the marriage he had previously.

You get the space, the time, the ability to channel your grief and lessons learned into a new relationship. The potential of falling in love again. And soon.

Read “The End of the Affair” by Graham Greene. It’s pretty good for catharsis in any circumstance of interrupted or unrequited love. IIRC, it’s set during WWII, so in a times when emotions are running high and actions are constrained by outside events. Film version is also pretty good.

‘Sputnik Sweetheart” or “South of the Border, West of the Sun” by Haruki Murakami are also relevant, albeit in a more tangential way.

The film “Allied” and “Talking it Over“ by Julian Barnes might also help.

But mainly, read “The End of the Affair”.

I've been in your position.

All @Nattyjackie 's points were true, and also:-

Where as I have to loose the thing that was keeping me sane in lockdown.

Think about it a different way. When you look at it you can realize this 'relationship' was actually causing you pain each day. You truly were lonely, away from the person you liked. You were not truly with him for a lot of the time when you wanted to be. You feel sad now and a bit bereft, but the loneliness of being sat alone until the bloke can be arsed to contact you is actually worse.

I've lost someone who loved and cared for me

He didn't really Not in a significant way anyway. Yes, he spent some time on/with you but not at other times, and at the end of the day he chose someone else, leaving you hurt.

someone to share my day with and spend peaceful time with.

You never had that with him, at least not most of the time.

He still gets that even if it's now built on a lie

What he had with you is what was built on a lie unfortunately, clearly as can be seen by his actions. He didn't love you enough to put you first, whatever his excuse.

What helped me after I dumped him not to love the married bloke at all, was to realize I can never know what was the real him, I can never trust him as I don't know what was fake. This meant I had no love for him anymore as it could all have been fake for all I know. And I started to realize some of his motives/character.

I know that's not the same situation, but you could take some of your power back. Block him on everything if he hasn't done that already- FB etc, phone, email, everything.

You may know of previous affairs he had (or maybe he told you you were the only one.)

I would consider telling his wife somehow, if you feel she has a right to know.

And I can't do all the things I would instinctively to to get over it,

Lockdown has eased a little in most places, so you can think of some things you could do; visit friends in their garden and have a drink, BBQ or whatever, have a wander out social distancing with a friend etc. Pick up takeaway coffees and sit in the park with friends. Chat to friends on messenger/video chat. Anything else you can think of.

You may find it helpful to join FB groups for OW's (they will be closed groups so no-one can see you've joined) or forums. This forum is quite low traffic but I found the people there helpful. community.affairhealing.com/

My 'ex' was actually a very nasty narcissist which I didn't realize until the end, with the help of MN.

It might help you to watch YouTubes or read stuff about married men or narcissists just in case he is one.

Look back and think of all the many times he hurt you/you were in pain during the relationship.

Best wishes and don't do it again.

You work out what you have gained, the chance of a relationship that doesn't exist in the shadows, with someone that doesnt have to steal the odd hour for you. I've been there, and it's hurts to end because you're giving up a fantasy future that will never be.

Don't tell his wife, and I know you won't.

Move on, wish him well and find someone who can give you their all.

I would consider telling his wife somehow, if you feel she has a right to know.
I was the wife, and would have appreciated this. I had a lot of suspicions but didn't know what was going on. Took me ages to find out, and during that time he was pretty unpleasant to the entire family. Especially when (as I discovered later) he briefly broke up with OW and took out his pain on us.

I have to say that your comments don't make it sound like you had a positive, loving relationship - sorry if that's the wrong impression, but you sound like you're actually resentful of him. I wonder if you've been resentful all along. This sounds like a competition to see which of you is the worse victim.

Did you trust him? Do you believe the reasons he's given for breaking up with you? My exh lied to us both. Are you sure his wife hasn't already got wind of something, and he's pressed you for a "mutual" breakup to stop you wanting to get your revenge by revealing all?

@affor you knew this was the situation, that he was unlikely to leave. And if he had, could you have really wanted a relationship with a man you know has that capability to lie?

Don't get me wrong, I had an affair and I know your pain but few affairs have happy endings.

Wow thanks everyone. Going to try to reply given you've all taken the time to help.

He's still at risk of losing his marriage. She could find out in five years' time and dump him, or ten. You are at less risk, and thus in greater control, than him.

Yes is think this is right, and what I was trying to say when I said it will be harder for me short term but him long term. He has to go back and deal with what he did to her and why, and face the fact that he marriage and therefore access to his child might be impacted anyway.

Did you love him? Are you feeling sad for him?

Yes completely. He's the first person I've ever said I love you to. I'm not particularly young or inexperienced in relationships, I just never felt that strongly before.

And yes I feel sad for him and recognised that this is a bit of an issue. We used to work together (have known him years) and our whole relationship was built on me making his life easier, walking him to realisations, problem solving for him etc. which I realise I still subconsciously do even now when breaking up.

As above, he can't talk about it. Can't show any emotion within his home. His main relationship has been compromised and may no longer bear any resemblance to the marriage he had previously.

Yes this is what he keeps saying to me. When I was angry about the situation we'd created and saying how it was fine for me, he got very upset and asked how I thought that given he was essentially losing both the possibility of happiness with me and the reality of happiness in his marriage.

Thanks @JessicaDay and @Interestedwoman for the reading suggestions, both fiction and self-help. Will definitely check out.

Interestedwoman so much of your post is right and I know it. The highs have been really high, but the lows have been horribly low. I realise I'm not really grieving anything real but the loss of the fantasy, the possibility, the man I thought he would have been for me.

And you're right about the lie, I didn't mean to suggest their relationship was somehow false compared to ours, but that it is now based on something untrue as the vows have been broken.

I am going to block and delete him on everything which he was very taken aback by. We've known each other for years and I think part of him just thought we'd go back to before. But I've made it clear I'm not interested in that and I don't see the point. And a flippant part of me thinks even if I wanted he, why does he deserve to get everything he wants?

how you feel now is not a patch on how his wife would feel had she found out. Does that help?

Remind yourself what a mug you’ve been and how you’ve allowed yourself to be used for sex.

The bit about not wanting to have restricted access to his child, yeah that was bullshit cos you can’t argue with that can you.

our whole relationship was built on me making his life easier, walking him to realisations, problem solving for him etc. which I realise I still subconsciously do even now when breaking up.

So you are a people pleaser (at least with him) and the nature of a relationship with a married man is it's an imbalance of power to an extent as they have more control over whether or when it goes anywhere, assuming you love them and don't want it to end.

I bet it wasn't easy for you to tell him if you were ever unhappy with anything.

asked how I thought that given he was essentially losing both the possibility of happiness with me and the reality of happiness in his marriage.

He sounds self-absorbed (these men tend to be- or at the very least at a time in life when they're focused on their own needs.) He isn't thinking so much of the hurt he's caused you or the nasty way he's treated his wife, mostly his own feelings.

I do think these wives deserve to know because then they can make informed decisions about how they want to spend their lives. It also might help you affirm your power after how he has treated you and rendered you in some ways powerless.

Don’t affirm your power by telling his wife. What a crock.

Sugar- this bloke has been a twat and he deserves all he gets. Aside from which, his wife could have the choice to choose whether she wants to spend the rest of her life with this traitorous liar. But each to their own.

And a flippant part of me thinks even if I wanted he, why does he deserve to get everything he wants?

Nothing flippant about it. You gave him everything and owe him nothing, and if you block him it'll help you reclaim your sense of how you should be treated. I promise you, it gives you a real boost.

I don’t think you should be allowed to get over it. You reap what you sow.

I think in most cases the person doing the breaking up already has someone, unfortunately.