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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How did you get over being the OW/OM

64 replies

affor · 03/06/2020 17:51

This is not a thread about the morality of affairs. Clearly they are wrong and I'm trying to process both my guilt and shame over what I did, and also the decisions that got me there so it never happens again.

My question is, if you've ever been the other person in an affair, how did you get over the breakup? A normal breakup is bad enough when you both become single, but how do you cope knowing they still have someone, aren't alone, aren't going through what you are?

Breakups are bad enough but with the guilt, the jealousy he has someone, the fact of lockdown meaning I can't just go out and get over it... I just feel so trapped and in pain. How do you get over it?

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 03/06/2020 20:50

I’ve lost someone who loved and cared for me.

Affor, you’ve lost a liar. If he loved and respected you, he would have told you his wife was pregnant. Instead, you found out from her SM in April that she was 6 months pregnant with twins.

This selfish, manipulative cake eater is no prize. I feel terrible for his wife.

Original poster

affor · 03/06/2020 21:05

@Interestedwoman

I absolutely am conditioned to please him and have realised and been open about this. And it has made me think twice before about telling him I'm unhappy, but ultimately didn't stop me and I gave him hell a couple of times. I'm no wallflower in life.

OP posts:

Original poster

affor · 03/06/2020 21:08

A few people have mentioned telling his wife and ultimately no I wont. For a variety of reasons, including selfishly the fact I could't bear to see that pain.

I also don't believe she'd be happier knowing. He's the kind of man everyone would look at in disbelief if they knew, the last person you'd expect etc etc. Better her have that version no matter how untrue it now is, especially given she's about to have twins, than be left wrecked by this and trying to cope alone.

And lastly I have no desire to hurt him. I reuse to carry on having an affair or supporting him through this, but I don't feel malicious towards him, which I would need to be to blow up his life.

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Original poster

affor · 03/06/2020 21:12

how you’ve allowed yourself to be used for sex.

I just want to talk about this. I get how it looks but this is a really simplified and actually quite infantilising assumption people make about affairs. It also suggests I have no responsibility for what I did.

No-one used me, no-one fed any lies to me, no-one tricked me. He never said he wasn't getting sex, or that his wife didn't understand him, or that his marriage was basically I over.

I made a (bad) decision with all the information because of how I felt about him.

OP posts:

Sugartitss · 03/06/2020 21:36

@Interestedwoman I agree his wife should know but not for op to tell her to affirm her power.

Yes he’s been a twat, so has op but twat is putting it lightly.

Original poster

affor · 04/06/2020 09:23

I'm going to see him today and taking what you have all said with me.

I won't be telling his wife to regain any sense of control but I am drawing lines where I need them, regardless of how he feels.

I have to prioritise me in this break up not him. I can't take on his feelings too.

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 04/06/2020 09:57

Why on earth are you seeing him in person?

There's no need. You don't work together so there's no reason to and while you're still feeling low meeting up is asking for trouble.

You're going to feel even worse afterwards.

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 10:58

IMO Seeing him in person to say this is just another excuse to see him- and why is he seeing you anyway if he's gone back to his wife?

Both of you need to draw the line and just not see each other again- especially you. He doesn't deserve you or his wife.

Not telling you she was pregnant- OMG!

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 11:05

No-one used me, no-one fed any lies to me, no-one tricked me. He never said he wasn't getting sex, or that his wife didn't understand him, or that his marriage was basically I over.

He did though. He lied and deceived about the situation at home, even to the extent of her being pregnant. From what you've said, at times he implied he might end up with you.

I made a (bad) decision with all the information because of how I felt about him.

How you felt about him was partly based on the line he spun you about himself.

shellsbells999 · 04/06/2020 11:18

I am the wife granted I'm not pregnant but have two kids... 8 years he's been at it I've shown proof to him that I've caught him and he continues to deny it and won't allow a divorce so he'll defend it which is pointless and expensive. I want to know and hear from one of them but that's not going to happen. I wish the you in my triangle would step up so we can talk like adults.

Please think about this.. how do you think she's going to feel 5-10 years down the line when he has used someone else or maybe 3! and it started when she was pregnant. I would rather know sooner rather than later.

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 11:20

I've lost someone who loved and cared for me, someone to share my day with and spend peaceful time

This loving and caring and spending time wasn't his to give. That should ALL have gone to his family, not a side woman.

These men want their cake and then some.

popsydoodle4444 · 04/06/2020 11:42

@affor

I'll say it takes guts to admit to being the OW.

Well done to you for taking the decision to end things with this man.What I'd ask you to consider was were you really being told the truth by him?,during your affair his wife was getting the edited version of him and being deceived and lied to;how do you truly know you weren't getting the same.

It's the usual cliches;

"I don't love her anymore"
"We've grown apart"
"She doesn't understand me"
"I only stay for the kids"
Etc,etc,etc

It's bullshit.The wife is often at home doing the grunt work in the home,the family and the marriage;she's so busy taking care of everything and everyone she doesn't get time for herself or to take care of herself.

Then her selfish man child of a husband decides he's no longer getting the attention he craves and isn't getting spontaneous sex and finds someone to get from instead.

If he left his wife for you,what would happen if you ended up getting married and having children with him?,would he lose interest in you too?,would you be able to trust him?,you'd always be wondering if he could have done to you what he did to his wife.

I really hope you find a lovely single man that you can have a happy settled life with.

FlowerArranger · 04/06/2020 12:06

I have had to accomodate him and be ok with not being a priority, which is hard and played havok on my mental health at times.

Really???!!!! Wow.

Original poster

affor · 04/06/2020 12:11

Why on earth are you seeing him in person?

Sorry I haven't been clear. I need to breakup with him, not done it yet. And I could do it by text but I will feel better ending it in person.

@FlowerArranger yes really. Why?

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thecatsarecrazy · 04/06/2020 12:28

It will get easier. I didn't have a full blown affair, just secret meetings kissing and groping in his van when he could get away, messaging when his wife wasn't about. I knew it wasn't worth it but I also didn't want to stop.
He ended up breaking all contact. No goodbye just ghosted me. That really hurt. I would have preferred an explanation but I knew what he was like. It's been weeks now. Last contact was April 18th and i have finally lost the horrible knot in my stomach. Don't feel sad every time my phone goes and it's not him.

thecatsarecrazy · 04/06/2020 12:33

What popsy said is bang on. He said all that shyte.
Staying for the kids
She hates me
We don't have sex I knew that was shit.
Im married and I'm the woman running around after kids, house work, cooking etc my husband could say that about me.

Thatcouldbeme · 04/06/2020 12:37

You found out in April that his wife is expecting twins and you haven't broken it off yet? He's the oldest cliche in the book! Man seeks sex elsewhere while his wife copes with pregnancy. Please, please, pick your self-esteem off the floor and leave before he does any more damage to you (that ship has sailed for his poor wife). He is NOT a good man, I don't care how long you've known him, he is not.

FlowerArranger · 04/06/2020 12:45

@FlowerArranger yes really. Why?

You've got to ask?

WTF.

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 12:47

Oh ffs you're meeting in person to break off your involvement with a married man with a wife pregnant with twins?

You two are not star crossed lovers, just a cheat and a rather delusional woman who is romanticising a common or garden affair.

Thought you were blocking and deleting as you should?

backseatcookers · 04/06/2020 12:53

Sorry I haven't been clear. I need to breakup with him, not done it yet. And I could do it by text but I will feel better ending it in person.

Oh for goodness sake. If you actually want it to be over because of the guilt you mention and the fact it's all been on his terms so far, you'd have done it now. You've known since April.

Oh ffs you're meeting in person to break off your involvement with a married man with a wife pregnant with twins? You two are not star crossed lovers, just a cheat and a rather delusional woman who is romanticising a common or garden affair.

I agree with a PP who said this - you don't want to be infantilised or pushed into a role of victim and I agree with that.

You knew what was going on and have had full disclosure for over a month. You also know he hasn't chosen to leave for you or continue seeing you.

So you need to be an adult, message him to say it's over and that you'll be blocking him for a clean break. Then do it and stick to it.

Meeting up is not only unhelpful for you, it's an added bonus of nastiness from you both to his wife. After all I'm not sure meeting your affair partner then going home to your pregnant partner is really in the spirit of social distancing is it? But then he sounds like an arsehole.

Don't behave like an arsehole any more either, tell him no contact, block and move on.

richtea12 · 04/06/2020 14:35

Block him, feel the pain and grief and time will heal. Eventually you'll be wondering what you saw in him and glad you got out of it. If you meet him you are still going to want him and will be back at square one.

ravenmum · 04/06/2020 17:54

It would take guts to admit being the OW to someone in real life. But online, it can just be an expression of the excitement of your illicit affair. All part of what makes it so heart-thumpingly thrilling. My exh used to invite his OWs to bbqs at our place as "work colleagues" for the same reason.

Get yourself a proper relationship affor. Make that exciting; it is possible.

Brandyb · 04/06/2020 19:24

I don't blame you for doing it, I've done it, but you should listen to the advice here - it's nuanced and useful esp p1 and prepare yourself to survive and thrive alone

backseatcookers · 04/06/2020 21:07

Did you meet today him then @affor?

Original poster

affor · 05/06/2020 08:16

@BackseatCookers I did yes and we have agreed it's over.

Regardless of the circumstances this is very painful. Having worked together closely for years I can't believe I'll never see or speak to him again.

OP posts:

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