How did you get over being the OW/OM

[affor]

This is not a thread about the morality of affairs. Clearly they are wrong and I'm trying to process both my guilt and shame over what I did, and also the decisions that got me there so it never happens again.

My question is, if you've ever been the other person in an affair, how did you get over the breakup? A normal breakup is bad enough when you both become single, but how do you cope knowing they still have someone, aren't alone, aren't going through what you are?

Breakups are bad enough but with the guilt, the jealousy he has someone, the fact of lockdown meaning I can't just go out and get over it... I just feel so trapped and in pain. How do you get over it?

When you say you can't believe it do you mean as in it's a heck of a realisation, or do you literally mean you think you will bump into each other again?

Just think how his wife would feel if she found out, pregnant and a husband cheating on her. She may still find out somehow I guess.

I think you have to focus on the fact that while painful now, you've been lucky not to have been found out as it would have been more painful for everyone involved then.

I'm sure you had a final kiss and all that stuff, makes me feel so sad for his wife at home with no idea about it.

Hopefully you can move on now.

Both I suppose backseat but mainly that I can't wrap my head around it. For exactly the same reason the affair started - because I saw and spoke with him 5 days a week for years. Going from that to this to nothing seems unbelievable.

But you're right now I think about it that I also don't see it happening. We work in the same sector now I've moved jobs and actually have a joint project just starting. Though I'm going to try and hand that over so I'm not involved.

Lockdown will buy me distance as normally it's the kind of work where you're at constant external meetings and events so we would definitely bump into each other regularly.

how do you cope knowing they still have someone, aren't alone, aren't going through what you are?

Well he's there with someone he's betrayed and disrespected to the inth degree knowing it, while they don't. Hardly a great situation, is it. Every minute is tainted whether he feels it or not.

At least you're not her.

I know this is not about the morality and I'm not trying to hijack the thread, but I'd be interested in your views on affairs now OP?

Knowing what you know now, would you get involved with this type of situation again in the future? Do you have more or less empathy with those cheating on their partners?

This might sound blunt @affor but I think it's very telling you responded re not seeing him again but didn't acknowledge my comments about his wife.

She is a real person, a real person who is pregnant and whose husband has been kissing, cuddling, shagging and speaking intimately and emotionally to someone else.

Hopefully focusing on what an absolute arsehole that makes him might help you focus on something other than you and him. It's not a fairytale and you weren't in love in the way you think you were, or he'd have left her and at the very least not continued shagging her.

You were a fantasy to each other, you've no idea if you'd live together happily or have day to day harmony outside of your affair bubble.

Affairs are innately selfish and as I say it's telling that you say you've felt guilt and shame but continued it until now, even after finding out she was pregnant.

You still chose to meet in person yesterday- I doubt you kept to social distancing rules? And then he went home to his pregnant wife.

It's time to snap out of the fantasy and stop lamenting what you think you've lost, because deep down you must know it wasn't 'real' life.

I bet he gets in touch by the end of the day

I was the innocent party when my partner had an affair. I found out by accident. I text the OW to say she could have him. It turned out he had told her some massive lies about how things were in our relationship. How do you know he has not done the same with you? It is the cake and eat it scenario! I was devastated as was my daughter. I never thought for a minute he would do that! but he did!

I really wasn't angry with the OW - I was damn angry with him though....this sounds strange! I actually felt sorry for her - she believed all the rubbish he told her - what a complete idiot! it turned out when I threw him out she didn't want him full time anyway. Part of me wished she had so at least all the pain I went though had an end product of some sort (if you know what I mean).

Some say that people who have affairs are not happy with themselves - they have an issue inside which they can't fix which is why they often go on to do it again. You have done wrong and you know it. He did wrong and he knows it.

No doubt he is still unhappy and making his wife's life a misery. If I were you I would tell her. She has a right to know what a lying cheat he is and make her own choices. He didn't think too much of his child when he knew there may be implications once he was found out now did he? He didn't care much about the effect on his child then now did he?

Do yourself a favour and work on yourself and your own self esteem so in future you do not get used again because that is exactly what he has done to you. He didn't love you. He used you. Move on....

@BackseatCookers you're right I don't think of her. I've never met her, I've never witnessed him in husband or parent mode so I genuinely forget about her.

I know that doesn't mean she's not real and on an objective level I'm appalled that anyone might put someone else through that. It just went out the window when I developed feelings. I just didn't think about it, at least not consciously. I suspect I just didn't want to and it was easier not to so I buried it.

But you are right that it's all a fantasy and it does help to remember that. I fell for carefree childfree him, which I was never getting however it played out. And it's one of the reasons I've been so clear with him about no contact - for my own sake - because how can I bear to hear about him playing happy families when his twins arrive?

@Tatty101 good question. I still feel the same way about affairs - I wasn't pro them before and I would never have believed you if you'd be this. About either of us actually.

I don't think empathy is quite the right word but I do have more understanding now as to how they happen. Not that therefore it's excusable but I no longer think there are affair-proof relationships. He was the person people used as an example of someone who would never cheat, so I think the fact we did what we did even though it was a long time coming, breaks my faith in people a bit.

Ironically and deservedly I'll find it harder to trust someone fully in the future.

Time heals a lot

@affor Also, unless they're born again Xtian or something, I would tell some of your friends (maybe just any unmarried/single ones IDK.)

I suppose you can't always predict how every person will react, but you're best friends will support you I think..

Especially if you explain to them it's over, he lied to you and fucked you up, you regret it etc.

@affor

I've been following your posts and I'm sorry you're going through this. I've ended up in a similar situation, never would have thought it and it's extremely painful. You've taken the first step though. You will move on and your feelings for him will change. Just take a day at a time for now.

@affor I’m in a similar situation and it’s a very lonely and painful place to be

I’ve ended it numerous times and we’ve ended up slipping back into it. It’s hard to find the strength to stay away even if you know it’s the right thing to do. I’m yet to manage it.